How do you get over a death in the family?

You don't 'get over it' and 'move on'. You loved your Dad. Death is like a grain of sand in an oyster. Slowly you create a pearl around it, so it doesn't hurt so much, but it doesn't ever really go away. You just enter a new way of existence. I lost my Dad last year and my mother 13 years ago, and my sister's going to go in a few years due to Huntington's. You get used to it, and after a time maybe not think about them so much, but you still miss them.

failedpersephone wrote:

I am curious, if you have had a death in the family, how do you "move on" ??

I keep getting told that I need to move on, and (the worse thing anyone can ever say) that he lived a "full life" but, that doesn't help. I know it is selfish to feel like this but my father was a very important part of my life. I feel selfish, like its all about me - but I can't really help the way I feel.

life is just less good, now. can't even try to care anymore...it seems strange that some one who was so full of life and just such a great force of life could be extinguished in such a mundane slowly leaking way.

sorry - I hope this isn't a "downer" and normally I do not come here and "vent" but I just don't understand how the mendacity doesn't just deal you all out.

how to move on...that is the question.

i think your dad won't be happy seeing you so down...i also lost my father almost 5 years ago, he was diabetic and he died of complications from it...for me, it was much better for him to pass on rather than to continue living in the condition he was in (being in the hospital for almost two months and seeing your loved one suffer is very painful)...just think that your father is in a better place right now...and like i said, he will not be happy seeing you this way...

i lost my grandfather to cancer in may of 06... i'm still not over it.
sometimes its hard, when you see granddaughters and grandfathers together... makes you remember all the good times and that you'll never get them back. Sometimes I can talk about him just fine, other times I break down in tears with even a tiny thought or something that reminds me of him

even though he was 70 when he died he was in such great health until the cancer came, and i felt like i was being robbed in a way. he was so close to seeing me graduate high school (for him I was the grandkid that was going to actually do something and get some sort of degree - as mean as that sounds but the graduation thing would have meant a lot to him since he grew up on a farm and didnt have that opportunity).

these are parts of life, but things you'll never really get over I don't think.

and i don't think it helps to block out things, because then you forget things, and what good does that do? you'll forget all the great times and then what's left of them and how they were a part of this world?

There has been some great advice on here and I really don't have anything to add, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry that your lost your dad.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

This year is the 10th anniversary of my Dads death. He died very suddenly at age 54. I was completely devistated at the time. I didn't know how I was going to live the rest of my life without him as I wasn't that close to anyone else in my family.
The best advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time. For me the first little while it was more like one hour at a time, but eventually I learned to cope and to move on. I still think about my dad to this day...a lot actually. Sometimes I even still cry. Please don't bottle it up or avoid it with work or school. I buried myself in work and school (I was 23 when my dad passed) and it came back to bite me in the ass later and I ended up in a very dark place I hope to never EVER return to again. It will take a lot of time, but eventually you do start to feel normal again. I promise you.

Someone spoke of Sunshower...that song was a huge comfort to me in my darkest times...and also Long Road.
Once I made the decision to not let my insecurities, sadness and grief get the better of me I started listening to U2's All That You Can't Leave Behind album...esp Stuck in a Moment and Walk On and found the strength I needed to pick myself up and say ok I want to LIVE my life again...and that its OK to feel weak and in pain...but you can't let it destroy you.. "Well I know it aches, your heart it breaks, you can only take so much....walk on" was a VERY powerful line and I used that as my rallying cry when I felt my sadness taking over. As time went by it took over less and less. I started seeing things more clearly and FINALLY came to the final stage of my grieving..acceptance.
My point is...we all deal with grief differently...some people can fly through the stages of grieving while some of us take years to go through them...but eventually we all get there. If possible...let yourself cry, let yourself open up to someone (or a therapist) about how you're feeling...and most importantly LIVE your life the same way you would if your father was still here. Don't let his death stop you from doing anything you really want to do. I don't believe he would be happy knowing that after he left you stopped living too. Being the best YOU, you can be is the best way you can honour your father and the best way to move on.

Good luck to you and I hope some of my insomniac rambling made sense and is of some help to you.

failedpersephone wrote:

I am curious, if you have had a death in the family, how do you "move on" ??

I keep getting told that I need to move on, and (the worse thing anyone can ever say) that he lived a "full life" but, that doesn't help. I know it is selfish to feel like this but my father was a very important part of my life. I feel selfish, like its all about me - but I can't really help the way I feel.

life is just less good, now. can't even try to care anymore...it seems strange that some one who was so full of life and just such a great force of life could be extinguished in such a mundane slowly leaking way.

sorry - I hope this isn't a "downer" and normally I do not come here and "vent" but I just don't understand how the mendacity doesn't just deal you all out.

how to move on...that is the question.

i am sorry about your father. i don't think you're being selfish though. as far as your question, i don't know. my husband...ex husband...(we were separated a long time but not divorced) died this past summer and i am still crying every single day. bad days or good days, doesn't matter, the tears are still there. so if you find an answer...

I too am sorry for your loss.
My dad's mom died when I was 3 or 4 and then my mom's parents died within four years of each other, granny passing when I was in college. I remember driving home for the funeral and feeling kind of numb. It was tough day and, really, it wasn't like when grandpa died because I was too young and caught up in myself, I guess, to let it affect me much. But when granny died I was really sad. I remember leaving home to head back to StarkVegas the day of her funeral and giving mom a hug on the way out. I happened to have Clapton unplugged in the cd player and I cried like a baby when Tears in Heaven came on.....the last time I really cried.

My best friend's grandmother -- who had been more like a mother to her -- died last year and she has had a terrible time getting over it.

The thing I told her is that you never get over it and you never forget and you shouldn't try to. It will always hurt and there will always be times when you wish you could talk to that person, but eventually it becomes a little easier to accept and you are able to look back and appreciate all the great times you had with that person. You can just be glad you had them in your life at all even though that lasted no where near long enough. There is hardly a day that goes by without me thinking about my grandparents but it doesn't revovle around them being gone so much anymore....I remember things like how grandpa used to rob hornet nests with his bare hands and how he used to give me and my cousins a nickel for every butterfly we could catch in his garden. I remember how granny always sang 'Turkey in the Straw' at Christmas and how she would stick her falsies out at us to make us laugh.
Memories, I think, are how you get by. Strangely enough, though, its the memories that torture you so much in the beginning, but in time the memories are what helps you go on

as people have said, you'll never get over it..... but you will learn how to cope with it.... and your life will never be the same.... the death changes you, the way you think about things and even how you act.

have you thought of joining any groups... online or in person? talking about it (like you are on here) will probably help in the end.

and i wouldnt worry about or get upset with the people who say "hes in a better place" etc.... its just their way of justifying it... we all have our ways of dealing.

and i also dont think 6 weeks is that long!

good luck.

i am sorry.
it is hard.
time is what mends.
i've lost my dad and one of my younger brothers.
lots of crying and music always found me.
it actually becomes you, the music and tears do.
i listened to megadeth's "a tout le monde" for about 6 months strait when dad died.
played it at his funneral even.
and ac/dc's "ride on".
pink floyd;s "wish you were here".

btw, no one really has the right to tell anyone it is time to move on.