pablo neruda stop yourself now

blueintheface
blueintheface Posts: 153
edited January 2008 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Pablo Neruda stop yourself now
it's a far too cold night to be walking
all alone, and besides
we can't all just fly on whims
home where things may be broken
but in peace we see the best of things
even cigarettes
smoking coffee hot when judged
if we all get along someday
we can sing songs about each other
instead of ourselves and weird constructions

i can't make the world or a sentence
and subjects fall flat in times of crisis
land in haifi, walk across the world
holy lands are like stepstools
of childhood, everything seems so easy
so plain, we complain
let hurricanes like staples tie us down
and the reason i feel so comfortable in your arms
is utter immobilization by the sweep of silent noon.
"be a philosopher but, amid all your philosophy, be first a man" - david hume

Mitch Hedberg- RIP 1968-2005. your jokes have laughed me through a lot. I thank you.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • chadwick
    chadwick up my ass Posts: 21,157
    that's pritty dang awesome.
    for poetry through the ceiling. ISBN: 1 4241 8840 7

    "Hear me, my chiefs!
    I am tired; my heart is
    sick and sad. From where
    the sun stands I will fight
    no more forever."
    Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
  • justam
    justam Posts: 21,415
    blueintheface wrote:
    Pablo Neruda stop yourself now
    it's a far too cold night to be walking
    all alone, and besides
    we can't all just fly on whims
    home where things may be broken
    but in peace we see the best of things
    even cigarettes
    smoking coffee hot when judged
    if we all get along someday
    we can sing songs about each other
    instead of ourselves and weird constructions

    i can't make the world or a sentence
    and subjects fall flat in times of crisis
    land in haifi, walk across the world
    holy lands are like stepstools
    of childhood, everything seems so easy
    so plain, we complain
    let hurricanes like staples tie us down
    and the reason i feel so comfortable in your arms
    is utter immobilization by the sweep of silent noon.

    I like this one. :)
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • theskyabove
    theskyabove Posts: 77
    I keep coming back to this one.

    Why do you keep changing the subject, mid-line? If you do that, and the similies aren't set up properly, you loose your clarity. You'd do well to keep the second stanza in plain-speak, like the first one. Keep your subjects, but continue speaking about them in a way that can be understood.

    That being said, I like the first few lines a lot. I love the title, and that you're telling Neruda to go someplace with all his joy... it's an excellent idea, but you let it go half-way through.
  • blueintheface
    blueintheface Posts: 153
    youre right.....

    Pablo Neruda stop yourself now
    it's far too cold of a night to be walking
    all alone, and besides
    we can't just fly home on whims, Pablo
    things may always be broken
    but in peace we see the best
    of even cigarettes
    or my smoking coffee hot when judged too harsh
    if you and I could get along someday
    it'd make beautiful singing
    about each other
    instead of ourselves and weird science

    i can't make your world or sentences
    subject themselves to me
    they fall flat when I ask too much of them

    so when you land in haifi to set out
    across the world of pigeonholed vagrancy
    think of my childhood and where I lost holiness
    it all seemed so easy back then

    let poetry bounce like hurricanes
    stapling us to our matted world
    and the reason why I feel so comfortable
    in your world
    is utter immobilization by the sweep of silent noon.
    "be a philosopher but, amid all your philosophy, be first a man" - david hume

    Mitch Hedberg- RIP 1968-2005. your jokes have laughed me through a lot. I thank you.
  • theskyabove
    theskyabove Posts: 77
    holy smokes... worlds.... and i mean WORLDS better

    geeze. i knew this was a good poem.

    now. At least a hundred poems have "it all seemed so easy back then" in them. Cross that line. You don't need it.

    and either edit or expound on your last three lines:

    "I feel uncomfortable, immobilized by the sweep of silent noon."

    if you wanna cut it short and move on to the next thing. or not. promise, I'm not trying to be bossy... :)

    if you don't cut it short, you should make it a whole new stanza.

    i'll shut up now. Good Work.

Categories