pablo neruda stop yourself now

blueintheface

Pablo Neruda stop yourself now
it's a far too cold night to be walking
all alone, and besides
we can't all just fly on whims
home where things may be broken
but in peace we see the best of things
even cigarettes
smoking coffee hot when judged
if we all get along someday
we can sing songs about each other
instead of ourselves and weird constructions

i can't make the world or a sentence
and subjects fall flat in times of crisis
land in haifi, walk across the world
holy lands are like stepstools
of childhood, everything seems so easy
so plain, we complain
let hurricanes like staples tie us down
and the reason i feel so comfortable in your arms
is utter immobilization by the sweep of silent noon.

chadwick

that's pritty dang awesome.

justam

blueintheface wrote:

Pablo Neruda stop yourself now
it's a far too cold night to be walking
all alone, and besides
we can't all just fly on whims
home where things may be broken
but in peace we see the best of things
even cigarettes
smoking coffee hot when judged
if we all get along someday
we can sing songs about each other
instead of ourselves and weird constructions

i can't make the world or a sentence
and subjects fall flat in times of crisis
land in haifi, walk across the world
holy lands are like stepstools
of childhood, everything seems so easy
so plain, we complain
let hurricanes like staples tie us down
and the reason i feel so comfortable in your arms
is utter immobilization by the sweep of silent noon.

I like this one.

theskyabove

I keep coming back to this one.

Why do you keep changing the subject, mid-line? If you do that, and the similies aren't set up properly, you loose your clarity. You'd do well to keep the second stanza in plain-speak, like the first one. Keep your subjects, but continue speaking about them in a way that can be understood.

That being said, I like the first few lines a lot. I love the title, and that you're telling Neruda to go someplace with all his joy... it's an excellent idea, but you let it go half-way through.

blueintheface

youre right.....

Pablo Neruda stop yourself now
it's far too cold of a night to be walking
all alone, and besides
we can't just fly home on whims, Pablo
things may always be broken
but in peace we see the best
of even cigarettes
or my smoking coffee hot when judged too harsh
if you and I could get along someday
it'd make beautiful singing
about each other
instead of ourselves and weird science

i can't make your world or sentences
subject themselves to me
they fall flat when I ask too much of them

so when you land in haifi to set out
across the world of pigeonholed vagrancy
think of my childhood and where I lost holiness
it all seemed so easy back then

let poetry bounce like hurricanes
stapling us to our matted world
and the reason why I feel so comfortable
in your world
is utter immobilization by the sweep of silent noon.

theskyabove

holy smokes... worlds.... and i mean WORLDS better

geeze. i knew this was a good poem.

now. At least a hundred poems have "it all seemed so easy back then" in them. Cross that line. You don't need it.

and either edit or expound on your last three lines:

"I feel uncomfortable, immobilized by the sweep of silent noon."

if you wanna cut it short and move on to the next thing. or not. promise, I'm not trying to be bossy...

if you don't cut it short, you should make it a whole new stanza.

i'll shut up now. Good Work.