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Recognition
chewmauro
Posts: 16
The red pooled nicely in the middle of the vast empty white. I ran my fingers through it and drew a little sun, little but oh so bright and oh so warm. My fingers were warmed as I dipped them into the pool and it gave way to them. I brought them up through the dark cold air to take a closer look.
Finger painting had always been fun, but for some reason it didn't feel quite right anymore. I missed the soft feminine voice of my teacher asking what I was making. The other kids were not painting quietly. The paint didn't smell right, or taste right. The paint, something was wrong with the paint. Or was it the paper? Or was it me?
They were melting away, fading and blending into something different. I saw a dark brown appear where the white had been and my pallet of colors was bleeding from white, green, brown, and red into one large warm red pool. I wished I could ease my cold body into the pool and feel the warmth flow over me, my heart drinking it. I wished I could dive in, leaving only a ripple behind me to slide outward forever leaving a beautiful perfect legacy of my dive. Something was wrong, or rather this wasn't right. I am missing something, part of the story.
"What the fuck did you do? Lucas? Fucking hell. Chris, go get me the cell phone. Hey can you even hear me?"
Oh, I see. This isn't a good story, not as good as the dive or even the finger painting, but I had better play along.
"Shit, someone get a blanket. How the hell did this happen? Does her boyfriend know?" He is going to find out sooner or later, hopefully later. I hope he is understanding. He won't be, Ryan is never understanding, or so I am told. Whoever did this, well whoever did this is an unfortunate man.
"Luke!", Chris wanted my attention, undivided and complete. Sounds like she has something important to say, that tone of voice where you know that you had better clear your mind and brace yourself.
"Can I help you?", I didn't mean to sound uninterested, but I was.
Chris ignored my rudeness, or maybe she didn't even notice it. She seemed pretty focused on something else.
"What did you do to her? What exactly happened?" She paused, I didn't answer I just looked at my watch. "Tell me on the way to the hospital. Here help me carry her."
I looked up, the full moon had been watching. If no one else ever knew the moon always would, even if I didn't. My eyes watered as the moon placed more pressure on my brain, it screamed at me, it scolded me. I could not scream back or make an excuse, not yet. I looked away, averted my eyes. What I saw on earth was much worse than facing the truth, I saw reality.
I was standing under a tree. Where? Where the hell was I? How far from the hospital? Shit, I had better get this straight, before someone gets it for me, I hate listening. Slowly. I have all the time in the world. My mind is quick and the cold air makes it quicker, the adrenaline brings my heart to a booming pace of near mythical speed. The blood runs through it like hydraulic fluid in a behemoth machine, pushing and pulsing, pushing and pulsing. The blood runs warm and hard straight to my brain. My mind suddenly snaps. Like I said, my mind is quick.
Today is October 31st.
I am standing under a large maple tree. The large maple tree at the bend in the river near the bridge on route 216. I was at a party, or a gathering, or a mixer. Call it whatever you like. Christopher's rust red Isuzu Trooper, the one he bought last June, it sat on the bank of the river. Five other people were here, Chris, Christopher, Robin, Seth, and . . . Julia's finger. No. Julia. Julia's ring finger was gone, most of it. I saw the bone, white and virgin. A warm fountain of life dripped it's flow abated by the pressure Chris was putting on her hand, from the savage abrupt end of what once was a thing of beauty. the blood hit the snow, the clean snow. The snow as clean as my conscience, burnt by the hot blood, faded away letting the blood seep into the hard cold earth. The blood stained what it touched refusing to be left, demanding to be remembered. I hated it, I feared it, and I envied it. I begged to follow it; to disappear into the dirt into the earth itself leaving only a stain on the coat of a friend and a droplet on the blade of dead grass.
Julia was beautiful. Yes all women are beautiful, all people are beautiful souls. Yes, some souls are born in beautiful vassals, bodies that are smooth, sexual, lovely. Julia was different. Julia isn't beautiful like Marilyn Monroe was beautiful. She isn't beautiful like a newborn baby, or a woman in a pornographic video. Julia is beautiful like the moon is beautiful, like a sunset on a mountain of god's most triumphant construction, like a unspoiled waterfall in the Garden of Eden. Julia is beautiful like life is beautiful; human lips conceived the word beauty for the express purpose of giving her the title only she is worthy of.
I picked up the hatchet. The cold forged metal was impervious to the wishes of the blood. My wet hair met the cold country air as I removed my cap. The soft comforting cap swept across the sharp steel blade, blood disappeared as it jumped from the instrument of it's new birth to the cap, the hot sweat soaked cap that rested on my head bringing the desperate hateful blood closer to my mind. I could feel it, wet and silky as it touched my forehead. The blood pushed it's way through my skull into my brain, it tainted my thoughts staining them like they were dirty rags. It clouded my vision and screamed in my ears. For a split second the blood enveloped me and my world went dark, darker than it has ever been.
The finger and the hatchet. They clawed at my mind, swung at my thoughts cutting me. I knew what had happened, I didn't want to know but as I looked up at the moon then down at the hatchet I knew that I couldn't just forget. The accusing knowing moon shined off of the hatchet blade and burnt my eyes leaving a mark in them. Like a tattoo on a convict it branded me. I knew, I had to tell the others before judgment fell from the moon and burned through my eyes and scorched my brain that coward behind them taking shelter behind their stare, as sharp and hard as the hatchet.
As I turned to help lift Julia's unmoving fragile shape I buried the hatchet in the side of the maple tree. No blood seeped out of the gash. The few remaining leaves on the tree broke the beams of moonlight away from the shining hatchet leaving it dark and alone. None cried for the tree or asked me what I had done to it. The tree remained standing and would continue to do so long after Julia and I had died. The tree, the guilty party gave no more than a sigh as it felt the breeze caress it's boughs.
The passenger side door on the old Trooper gave out that same rusty scream that all old car doors do when you try to heave them closed.
“Try to keep pressure on her arm Robin”, Christopher gave an unending stream of directions and requests while kicking beer cans out from under the brake pedal and stabbing at the ignition with his key. For a brief moment I wondered if it was safe for Chris to drive, then recalled that none of us had been drinking tonight.
Gravel and stone were sent flying the instant that Chris’ foot found the gas pedal. Our headlights, well headlight, danced up the bank of the riverbed as the old truck jumped over large rocks and pieces of wood. After an agonizing minute or two, wherein each thump of the truck’s suspension was punctuated by a groan from Julia, the front tires dragged us onto the smooth blacktop of Rt. 216. I turned around in my mummified and duct-tape seat to get a better look at Julia. Before I ever got to look at Julia my eyes found the moonscape disappearing in a fog of dust kicked up by our departure. Bright red embers popped and glowed where we had built a fire to stay warm and cook s’mores, orange flames laced around the logs on the fringe of the fire. It was a comforting scene, why would we want to leave the warmth of the fire and blanket of dust for this empty black road to the empty white hospital.
“Twenty five minutes tops.”
“Not if you speed. The road is basically straight and nobody will be out driving right now. Just floor it and we can be there in fifteen.”
“I am not getting a speeding ticket or running down some fucking trick-or-treater for a cut finger”
“It isn’t a cut finger. She is bleeding a lot and she is in shock or something, she wont talk. Just speed up a bit. The cops will let you go when they see Julia anyway.”
“Just worry about her and let me drive. Luke, sit your ass down and buckle-up.”
Chris and Robin sound like my grandparents whenever they fight. Sometimes I wonder if Robin doesn’t enjoy having Chris yell at her. She questions everything he does but never seems to care if she wins the argument.
“Watch out for any animals in the road.”
“Just buckle-up and find my cell.”
“I think that Chris has it”, wow I can’t believe I remembered that, huh.
“God damn it. Well do you have one on you?”, it is amazing how much emotion Christopher can express with his body while never taking his eyes out of that stare he has when he drives. He needs to lighten up.
“Yeah, yeah I do. Or I did. Let me look for it”, the pockets of my fleece were full of useless artifacts of last winter; ski passes, hand warmers, gum, chap stick, and a crushed candy cane.
“Gum?”
“Find the fucking phone!”
“Here, her parent’s number is on speed dial number 3. Ask for her dad, Drew.”
Finger painting had always been fun, but for some reason it didn't feel quite right anymore. I missed the soft feminine voice of my teacher asking what I was making. The other kids were not painting quietly. The paint didn't smell right, or taste right. The paint, something was wrong with the paint. Or was it the paper? Or was it me?
They were melting away, fading and blending into something different. I saw a dark brown appear where the white had been and my pallet of colors was bleeding from white, green, brown, and red into one large warm red pool. I wished I could ease my cold body into the pool and feel the warmth flow over me, my heart drinking it. I wished I could dive in, leaving only a ripple behind me to slide outward forever leaving a beautiful perfect legacy of my dive. Something was wrong, or rather this wasn't right. I am missing something, part of the story.
"What the fuck did you do? Lucas? Fucking hell. Chris, go get me the cell phone. Hey can you even hear me?"
Oh, I see. This isn't a good story, not as good as the dive or even the finger painting, but I had better play along.
"Shit, someone get a blanket. How the hell did this happen? Does her boyfriend know?" He is going to find out sooner or later, hopefully later. I hope he is understanding. He won't be, Ryan is never understanding, or so I am told. Whoever did this, well whoever did this is an unfortunate man.
"Luke!", Chris wanted my attention, undivided and complete. Sounds like she has something important to say, that tone of voice where you know that you had better clear your mind and brace yourself.
"Can I help you?", I didn't mean to sound uninterested, but I was.
Chris ignored my rudeness, or maybe she didn't even notice it. She seemed pretty focused on something else.
"What did you do to her? What exactly happened?" She paused, I didn't answer I just looked at my watch. "Tell me on the way to the hospital. Here help me carry her."
I looked up, the full moon had been watching. If no one else ever knew the moon always would, even if I didn't. My eyes watered as the moon placed more pressure on my brain, it screamed at me, it scolded me. I could not scream back or make an excuse, not yet. I looked away, averted my eyes. What I saw on earth was much worse than facing the truth, I saw reality.
I was standing under a tree. Where? Where the hell was I? How far from the hospital? Shit, I had better get this straight, before someone gets it for me, I hate listening. Slowly. I have all the time in the world. My mind is quick and the cold air makes it quicker, the adrenaline brings my heart to a booming pace of near mythical speed. The blood runs through it like hydraulic fluid in a behemoth machine, pushing and pulsing, pushing and pulsing. The blood runs warm and hard straight to my brain. My mind suddenly snaps. Like I said, my mind is quick.
Today is October 31st.
I am standing under a large maple tree. The large maple tree at the bend in the river near the bridge on route 216. I was at a party, or a gathering, or a mixer. Call it whatever you like. Christopher's rust red Isuzu Trooper, the one he bought last June, it sat on the bank of the river. Five other people were here, Chris, Christopher, Robin, Seth, and . . . Julia's finger. No. Julia. Julia's ring finger was gone, most of it. I saw the bone, white and virgin. A warm fountain of life dripped it's flow abated by the pressure Chris was putting on her hand, from the savage abrupt end of what once was a thing of beauty. the blood hit the snow, the clean snow. The snow as clean as my conscience, burnt by the hot blood, faded away letting the blood seep into the hard cold earth. The blood stained what it touched refusing to be left, demanding to be remembered. I hated it, I feared it, and I envied it. I begged to follow it; to disappear into the dirt into the earth itself leaving only a stain on the coat of a friend and a droplet on the blade of dead grass.
Julia was beautiful. Yes all women are beautiful, all people are beautiful souls. Yes, some souls are born in beautiful vassals, bodies that are smooth, sexual, lovely. Julia was different. Julia isn't beautiful like Marilyn Monroe was beautiful. She isn't beautiful like a newborn baby, or a woman in a pornographic video. Julia is beautiful like the moon is beautiful, like a sunset on a mountain of god's most triumphant construction, like a unspoiled waterfall in the Garden of Eden. Julia is beautiful like life is beautiful; human lips conceived the word beauty for the express purpose of giving her the title only she is worthy of.
I picked up the hatchet. The cold forged metal was impervious to the wishes of the blood. My wet hair met the cold country air as I removed my cap. The soft comforting cap swept across the sharp steel blade, blood disappeared as it jumped from the instrument of it's new birth to the cap, the hot sweat soaked cap that rested on my head bringing the desperate hateful blood closer to my mind. I could feel it, wet and silky as it touched my forehead. The blood pushed it's way through my skull into my brain, it tainted my thoughts staining them like they were dirty rags. It clouded my vision and screamed in my ears. For a split second the blood enveloped me and my world went dark, darker than it has ever been.
The finger and the hatchet. They clawed at my mind, swung at my thoughts cutting me. I knew what had happened, I didn't want to know but as I looked up at the moon then down at the hatchet I knew that I couldn't just forget. The accusing knowing moon shined off of the hatchet blade and burnt my eyes leaving a mark in them. Like a tattoo on a convict it branded me. I knew, I had to tell the others before judgment fell from the moon and burned through my eyes and scorched my brain that coward behind them taking shelter behind their stare, as sharp and hard as the hatchet.
As I turned to help lift Julia's unmoving fragile shape I buried the hatchet in the side of the maple tree. No blood seeped out of the gash. The few remaining leaves on the tree broke the beams of moonlight away from the shining hatchet leaving it dark and alone. None cried for the tree or asked me what I had done to it. The tree remained standing and would continue to do so long after Julia and I had died. The tree, the guilty party gave no more than a sigh as it felt the breeze caress it's boughs.
The passenger side door on the old Trooper gave out that same rusty scream that all old car doors do when you try to heave them closed.
“Try to keep pressure on her arm Robin”, Christopher gave an unending stream of directions and requests while kicking beer cans out from under the brake pedal and stabbing at the ignition with his key. For a brief moment I wondered if it was safe for Chris to drive, then recalled that none of us had been drinking tonight.
Gravel and stone were sent flying the instant that Chris’ foot found the gas pedal. Our headlights, well headlight, danced up the bank of the riverbed as the old truck jumped over large rocks and pieces of wood. After an agonizing minute or two, wherein each thump of the truck’s suspension was punctuated by a groan from Julia, the front tires dragged us onto the smooth blacktop of Rt. 216. I turned around in my mummified and duct-tape seat to get a better look at Julia. Before I ever got to look at Julia my eyes found the moonscape disappearing in a fog of dust kicked up by our departure. Bright red embers popped and glowed where we had built a fire to stay warm and cook s’mores, orange flames laced around the logs on the fringe of the fire. It was a comforting scene, why would we want to leave the warmth of the fire and blanket of dust for this empty black road to the empty white hospital.
“Twenty five minutes tops.”
“Not if you speed. The road is basically straight and nobody will be out driving right now. Just floor it and we can be there in fifteen.”
“I am not getting a speeding ticket or running down some fucking trick-or-treater for a cut finger”
“It isn’t a cut finger. She is bleeding a lot and she is in shock or something, she wont talk. Just speed up a bit. The cops will let you go when they see Julia anyway.”
“Just worry about her and let me drive. Luke, sit your ass down and buckle-up.”
Chris and Robin sound like my grandparents whenever they fight. Sometimes I wonder if Robin doesn’t enjoy having Chris yell at her. She questions everything he does but never seems to care if she wins the argument.
“Watch out for any animals in the road.”
“Just buckle-up and find my cell.”
“I think that Chris has it”, wow I can’t believe I remembered that, huh.
“God damn it. Well do you have one on you?”, it is amazing how much emotion Christopher can express with his body while never taking his eyes out of that stare he has when he drives. He needs to lighten up.
“Yeah, yeah I do. Or I did. Let me look for it”, the pockets of my fleece were full of useless artifacts of last winter; ski passes, hand warmers, gum, chap stick, and a crushed candy cane.
“Gum?”
“Find the fucking phone!”
“Here, her parent’s number is on speed dial number 3. Ask for her dad, Drew.”
.when god lets my body be
..from each brave eye will spring a
tree
.all the while my heart shall be
..with the buldge and nuzzle of the
sea
..from each brave eye will spring a
tree
.all the while my heart shall be
..with the buldge and nuzzle of the
sea
Post edited by Unknown User on
0
Comments
i could go on for ever about the phrasing alone, the imagery, the intensity. i especially loved the paragraph about julia's beauty.
truly a pleasure to read, and hopefully at some point we'll see more.
“Uh oh” I let out a slow groan.
“Julia?” Christopher enquired.
“No” Robin answered, “That was Luke.”
I had forgotten that the very reason why my mind was running scared from the moon was slumped in the back seat. Julia looked bad. I had seen people in a lot worse shape than she was, like the time my uncle wrapped his bike around the fence near the bank driving drunk. It was different seeing Julia like this though, she was not meant to ever suffer like the rest of us.
“Can we turn the stereo on? I need to relax”
“Oh please don’t let us make you uncomfortable.”
“Go to hell Chris”, I reached for the black CD case under my seat and flipped to the back. I slid Marshal Crenshaw into the player and turned up the speakers. “Someday, Someway” began to float out of the speakers, until Chris turned it down.
“Hello, is Drew there?” I forgot about the phone call, “Oh. Hi Jen. Yeah, he is enjoying school and likes the hot weather. I talked to him Tuesday and he told me to tell you he says hey. I am ok, thanks for asking. Well I just needed to talk to your dad about Julia.”
Again he turns the stereo down so I can’t even hear it.
“Yeah, she is with us. We are taking her to the hospital. She cut her finger and is bleeding so we figured it’d be best to take her to get it checked out. No, she can’t really talk right now, she is in shock over the pain or blood I guess. We are still about fifteen minutes away from the hospital.”
“More like seven”, Robin said to her self just loud enough to prompt Chris’ middle finger to leave the steering wheel and salute her.
“Ok. I’ll see you there Jen. Bye.”
The cell phone came flying into my lap and the volume of the music went back to where it had been originally, Chris moved fast enough that Robin didn’t get the chance to poke at him about the phone call. Robin has a habit of wanting to know everything about everyone, all the time. As if taking a cue from my thoughts Robin’s head of short red hair bobbed over my shoulder. Instinctively I flinched away from her and brushed her hair out of my eyes.
“So, what did you do to her Luke?”
“It doesn’t matter, I don’t know. Just sit down Robin.”
“Come on Luke. You know what happened. It was just an accident right.” Not only did Robin ask a lot of questions, but she also got a lot of answers simply because she was as sweet and innocent as child, with a voice like warm summer rain.
“Please Robin, just let me alone. Please.” Every breath and word slipped over my lips dry and brittle a brown leaf through a shattered window. Robin swiftly leaned closer and with one smooth deft motion kissed me on the cheek then slid into her seat.
Completely unphased by Robin’s affection I glanced at Chris. Chris aware of my gaze never took his eyes of the road or made any attempt to communicate, though I could detect the slightest waver of his head in disapproval of Robin’s kiss. From the back seat of the car the faint sound of Robin singing along to the music. I rolled down the window beside me hoping that the night air would release me with its clean high as it always does. Just as I began to escape back into myself, just as a landscape of rock and water enveloped my waking dreams and my body tingled a voice erupted distinct and obscene against the backdrop of my heaven.
“Luke? Luke?” Julia’s voice was nearly inaudible but it was so familiar that it had might just as well have been a thunderclap wrapped in a sonic boom leveled at my head. I sat motionless trying, to ignore her. Not because I wanted to ignore the girl I loved, but because I’d much rather relapse back to subconscious.
“Hey Luke. Snap to man.” Christopher squeezed my shoulder.
I unbuckled and rolled myself over the back of the seat and onto the dusty floor of the old Isuzu. Robin climbed over me into the front seat leaving her warm seat for me. Julia sat up, amidst protests and cautions from Chris. Curiosity, always a step ahead of ration, wandered to Julia’s hand and I studied the blood dampened t-shirt that Robin had buried the small hand in. Julia pulled it away in pain and cradled it in her lap. The lights of the hospital parking lot crept into view illuminating Julia’s porcelain face. Julia smiled at me.
“I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” Julia’s smile turned into tears as she continued to talk, “I am awful, please Luke forgive me. I am so sorry” her sobbing over flowed. Hot tears eared her face turning it ashen grey. Cream colored finger nails dug into the palm of her hand as she clenched her fists squeezing her muscles pumping more blood into the air dripping down her wrist painting her into something new, more alive than what she was.
A scream strafed the inside of the car peppered with the tears and moans burning fast fueled by relentless pain and boiling emotion.
“Are you ok?!?! Chris, drive faster!” Robin was now poised to take the wheel from him.
“Luke, please forgive me. I never meant to do it I just…I’m o sorry.” With those words Julia buried her head in the hood of her sweater.
The Isuzu’s brakes squawked to a halt in front of the hospital moments after Robin’s shoes hit the pavement. Before I could collect my confused slivers of realization Robin was walking Julia’s shivering resistant frame into the hearth of healing and Christopher was busy explaining to an exhausted woman.
As I stood leaned against a trash can Chris and Seth blazed into the parking lot leaving burnt rubber and smeared grass behind. In the corner of my eye I glimpsed Robin mouth something to Christopher. Judging from the string of words Chris mouth back it had been comment on how Seth must have driven fast.
..from each brave eye will spring a
tree
.all the while my heart shall be
..with the buldge and nuzzle of the
sea
..from each brave eye will spring a
tree
.all the while my heart shall be
..with the buldge and nuzzle of the
sea
couldn't help thinking about julia and luke - couldn't stop wondering what has happened with them. really intriguing characters and story.
..from each brave eye will spring a
tree
.all the while my heart shall be
..with the buldge and nuzzle of the
sea
just kidding. kind of.
I feel quite flattered.
..from each brave eye will spring a
tree
.all the while my heart shall be
..with the buldge and nuzzle of the
sea
granted, i love this forum and spend more time here than anyplace else. i'm astounded by the wonderful things i've found here. and this story is one that i've enjoyed reading more than once.
“Hey, was that them walking inside just now?, Seth asked as he walked by me without pause.
“Yeah it was.”
“Did anyone call her parents? I forgot that I had Christopher’s cell.”
“Don’t worry about it Chris. We used mine and her dad will be here any minute now.”
We both sat in the cold air for a while treading water in a sea of uncomfortable silence made all the more unfriendly by the waves of unspoken questions.
“You don’t have to wait around you know. We will be fine.”
“Yeah I know but Seth wants to make sure she is gonna be ok.”
Bullshit. Everyone knows she is going to be fine after a few stitches and body numbing painkillers. All Seth wants to know is what everyone wants to know: What the hell happened.
“Let’s go inside, I need some coffee.”
I didn’t budge for another minute or so, not until I recognized Julia’s family truck rumbling down the road. No need for me to be the one who greets her Dad.
Inside Seth and Chris where sharing a cup of black coffee as Christopher paced chewing on his lip in an effort to ignore Robin’s babble about how the local newspaper needs better comic strips.
“What were you doing outside?”
What the fuck is it to you Christopher.
“Just watching for Julia’s dad.”
“Is he here?”
“Yes.”
Luck settled in to the room. As Seth’s lips spread to bath me in an endless stream of questioning Julia’s dad walked in the room. Drew was a solid guy, not very tall or intimidating but built like battleship. Years spent forging steel had rubbed of onto his body and personality.
“Well where is she?”
“Hello Mr. O’Sullivan. Hi Jen.” Christopher was visibly poised to dictate the night’s events to Julia’s family.
Robin played the savior role and gave Drew what he wanted, “Room 119, to the left.”
Drew marched off to see his daughter, Christopher loathing of Robin boiled over sending him into a fit of conversation with Jen: “So are you happy to be back in town…did you see Lyn…what are your plans for the winter…”
Seth finished had his coffee and had apparently become embolden enough to approach me.
“So Luke, what the hell happened? “
“Nothing happened. She had an accident.”
“You didn’t cut her?”
“Why the fuck would I cut her Seth? Do you really think I would cut her? Sorry I never new you took me for a ax murderer.”
“Settle the fuck down man. That isn’t what I meant. I knew you were chopping wood and I thought maybe you accidentally cut her.” By this point the rest of the room had put their idiosyncratic small talk on hold in order to fully enjoy and absorb what was sure to be a spectacle.
“Yeah well that isn’t what happened.”
“Sorry.”
“Maybe you could tell us what did happen?” Robin did mean to provoke me,, just curiosity, but then I didn’t mean to be rude, just tired.
“Maybe. Or maybe you can all just go home because I don’t feel like doing this here especially right now and I am pretty sure Julia would appreciate it if all her friends just gave her some goddamned space.” With the last word I reached across Seth’s chest to open the door in a not so subtle indication that it was time they leave.
A cold whistle cut the air. Not sure if it had come from Seth’s lips or from the October wind taking the silence as a chance to inject itself into the troubled conversation.
“Well how do you plan on getting home? Should I wait for you and Robin can ride with Seth and Chris?” A thinly valid attempt by Christopher to both be rid of Robin and to extend his time spent here stroking me in the hopes of being a confidant.
“I can walk from here.”
“Are you sure? It is cold.”
“Yeah, I think I’ll survive. Go.”
I was a little shocked that no one else put up any front of resistance to my uncharacteristically sharp words.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.” Like I had said Robin is sweet as a child.
Quietly all four left the lobby and crossed the hard empty parking lot farther away from me and all that I was feeling. Cold sterile lights turned my friends into Halloween ghosts beautiful and dead departing; leaving me to wonder just what was keeping me alive.
The moon had long since been suffocated beneath the weight of the clouds and obscured by my refusal to accept what it held in its glow. Nothing was left here and now. Nothing spoke, nothing shined, no friends accused me, no blood reminded me, but what had been coiled inside the back of my head like a black snake was now unleashed onto my helpless heart. As I stood feeling my mind surrender to venom of self-loathing and fear part of me lamented that the black night was held at bay only by a fake and humming halo. All that protected me from the darkness was a shell of pain. Wishing I could die, that I was dead, and I would be except for the simple logic that no dead man feels pain like I felt. And all for what? Blood spilt from a heart I loved more than my own.
..from each brave eye will spring a
tree
.all the while my heart shall be
..with the buldge and nuzzle of the
sea
i'll be keeping my eyes open for the next installment...hopefully.
the level of intensity stole my heart
it was real iwas there the pinnacle
of creativity
and then my attention problem took over
i faded in and out of love i tried to keep up
overflowing emotion while reading i even
used some of that hand moisteriser lotion
for my work had my skin dry as a bone
and then you ruined the whole story
with the combination of yuck
jesus forgive me sins amen