Invitation

Ali
Ali Posts: 2,621
edited February 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Very good...i like it...
Hows the weather en France? :)
A whisper and a thrill
A whisper and a chill
adv2005

"Why do I bother?"
The 11th Commandment.
"Whatever"

PETITION TO STOP THE BAN OF SMOKING IN BARS IN THE UNITED STATES....Anyone?
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    charles wrote:
    To B. for the very the first spark, to F. for her rythm, and to anyone who wants to share.

    Desert sky
    Lone crow caws
    Life!

    Dark forest
    Invisible wings flap
    Company!

    Heavy rain
    Invisible bird sings
    Hope!
    a bird
    alone
    unheard
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    water drop
    on one bird
    ruffled feathers
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    dead wolf
    covered in snow
    melting
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Felicity
    Felicity Posts: 339
    arrival
    and departure
    of body only

    think
    constant mind
    a treasure trove

    dream
    i believe
    infinitely
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    in the snow
    in sunshine
    a leaf
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    charles wrote:
    whistling wind
    strips my thoughts
    as i fall asleep

    Welcome back! I don't have a haiku response yet, but I'll work on it.
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    charles wrote:
    whistling wind
    strips my thoughts
    as i fall asleep
    half a leaf crosses the street
    last week of December
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    bright colors
    bounce under a grey sky
    tourists
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    rush hour
    two opposing turnstiles
    new year's eve
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    charles wrote:
    It's raining
    the tick-tack of my clock
    mixes with the rain drops
    rain
    flows down concrete stairs
    measured
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    charles wrote:
    drizzle
    I hear time flow
    unmeasured
    jackhammer
    consistent crunching
    grey sky
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    charles wrote:
    above city jangling
    holding on
    a crumpled kite
    let me see if i can try a tanka:

    Seattle skyline
    covered in kites
    bouncing with children's laughter
    my hands hurt from typing
    another black and white memo
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    charles wrote:
    across the skyline
    suspended echoes
    time zone

    and- what is a tanka?-
    The popularity of the Sonnet in English poetry is equal to the popularity of the Tanka in Japanese poetry. For both it seems the focus is on relationships and beauty. As we learn that haiku is 3 lines 5-7-5, we would learn that tanka is 5 lines 5-7-5-7-7. As with haiku, once a poet is comfortable with the form it becomes less strict in syllables and is probably shorter in the English version.

    Tanka started renga which is linked haiku, which is what we do here. Some consider Haiku as the first three lines of Tanka. Poets more interested in the spiritual "now" of poetry broke the haiku away from tanka. Poets more interested in beauty continued with tanka. Some say that haiku is the first three lines, and then the last two are a response to the first three. I don't necessarily agree with this.
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    charles wrote:
    across the skyline
    suspended echoes
    time zone

    and- what is a tanka?-
    small children inside the tunnel
    older children on top
    delayed echo
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    charles wrote:
    My good friend died, I get in the subway, stunned, closed eyes, let rails slam into my head, till I feel nothing else, stay in that train, cross the city, cross many worlds, uptown cheep, hip-hop bark, yuppie quibble, tramp smell, lover whispers, baby cries, prostitute perfume, beggar laments, tourist gibberish, ghetto creoles, back and forth, back and forth, words, life snapshots, and the rail bang, connecting me, network of experiences, all there, pulsing, beings, cursed and blessed, believing themselves unique…as that one I call “I”, and his burden, not so unique after all, not so blade sharp anymore.

    This is a bit Conradian. The good friend that dies was reason, home, a clear use of episteme, proportion, social balance and psychic stillness; everything that presumed itself in place under the last dust until the wind caught up is scattered in the roar of an urban subway train in a tunnel. The wind of modernity, the metropolis, alienation and the fluxing manyworldedness of the urban consciousness tears apart a sense of old monolithic, epistemic certainties. The mind is Othered by the gallimaufrey of carnival on the train.

    I like this, but I'm a bit uncomfortable about the linguistic equivalences "tourist gibberish, ghetto creoles".
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    On their own the phrases are fine but linguistically in a sentence, you get this pattern:

    uptown cheep (adjectival noun/noun)
    hip-hop bark (adjectival noun/noun)
    yuppie quibble (adjectival noun/noun)
    tramp smell (adjectival noun/noun)
    lover whispers (adjectival noun/noun)
    baby cries (adjectival noun/noun)
    prostitute perfume (adjectival noun/noun)
    beggar laments (adjectival noun/noun)
    tourist gibberish (adjectival noun/noun)
    ghetto creoles (adjectival noun/noun)

    There's a wealth of studied and oftern convincing linguist argument that poetic language (even in prose poetry) works communicatively, differently from prose (which communicates meaning through the way words are placed grammatically in a sentence). It communicates meaning through patterns such as repetition of linguistic effects such as rhyme, assonance, alliteration and repetition. Now, in a long list such as this which is meant to convey the disparate hubbub of various urban life on a metro the list works really well in setting up antitheses (tramp smell/ lover whispers). We get an idea of different cultures and peoples and lives thrown together in the train. But there's something about the successive clauses 'tourist gibberish/ghetto creoles' that works differently. The concepts almost seem synonymical, that ghetto people are tourists uptown and that creole is gibberish. I know this isn't your desired effect but there will be readers who see it this way. I would place the line 'ghetto creoles' somewhere else in the list: maybe before 'prostitute perfume'?

    I'm only offering this suggestion because I think this is a fine piece of work, Charles. Thanks for sharing it.
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:
    It communicates meaning through patterns such as repetition of linguistic effects such as rhyme, assonance, alliteration and repetition.

    Sorry, my sentence in the last post should read,


    It communicates meaning through linguistic effects such as rhyme, assonance, alliteration and repetition.

    Thanks.
  • Righteous Jammer
    Righteous Jammer Posts: 509
    I love simple words to poems
    It doesnt hurt.... when I bleed
    but memories...they eat me
    I've seen it all before,...
    bring it on cause I'm no victim.
    -Ghost
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    No problem. It's just that a lot of people are culturally sensitive to such effects in language.

    I enjoy your work. :)
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    charles wrote:
    My good friend died, I get in the subway, stunned, closed eyes, let rails slam into my head, till I feel nothing else, stay in that train, cross the city, cross many worlds, uptown cheep, hip-hop bark, yuppie quibble, tramp smell, lover whispers, baby cries, prostitute perfume, beggar laments, tourist gibberish, ghetto creoles, back and forth, back and forth, words, life snapshots, and the rail bang, connecting me, network of experiences, all there, pulsing, beings, cursed and blessed, believing themselves unique…as that one I call “I”, and his burden, not so unique after all, not so blade sharp anymore.

    I didn't know how to respond to this, but I thought of the following after a bit:

    a friend who
    wore a string
    around a finger
    to remember the scenes
    always rerunning


    it may or may not apply, it's just what a thought
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird

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