dealing with flaky people - can I get some advice?

goo

first of all this is something I thought I'd never be doing... but I know there are some intelligent people on these forums that actually have people skills, so I need some opinions. here's my story and I'll try to keep it short and to the point:

I was talking to an old acquaintance the other day online and suggested that we maybe could hang out sometime soon. she says that would be nice (to my pleasant surprise). so I asked her what she was doing Saturday and she said she'd get back to me. so a few days later I send her a txt just to casually ask how Saturday was looking, and she said that her parents had asked her to have dinner with them and that she couldn't really say no... but she would let me know if anything changed. I told her not to worry about it and I was understanding... mind you this isn't someone I really know well and we've never dated before, so I wasn't about to act like she had slighted me even though I did ask her first. but anyway, I woke up Saturday morning and got online to see that she had updated her status to say something like "running errands this morning and spending the afternoon with friends." with friends, huh? what happened to mom and dad? I'm the kind of guy who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt... and when I talk to her again which will probably be tomorrow, I'm going to ask her how it went with her parents that night. if she says she didn't get with them... should I play it cool and just say something like "oh, so you blew me off for nothing?" and say it kiddingly of course. but if she says something after that to the extent of "I'm sorry, didn't mean to disappoint you" and all that condescending bullshit, I'm gonna have a hard time not getting irritated. I don't want to be a jerk, but what would be the next good thing to say? I'm hoping it doesn't come down to that at all, but would something like "if you really didn't want to do anything in the first place, you could've just said so. it wouldn't have crushed me" be appropriate? I want to play it cool, yet get the point across that I'm calling her out for being inconsistent. ladies, what would be an effective thing a guy could say to you if it were you who were in this position?

prytocorduroy

Not a lady, but.....

I would not get back in touch with her. Just let it go. Wait to see if she tries to contact you, if no, she's not worth your time.

Lesbelges

Interesting, I am in a similar position so I'm interested to see the responses.

As far as what I think....I think you shouldn't make any wise comments when you talk to her. If you really want to see this person, I don't think you're really in position to act offended because you might just end up pissing her off and ending it. I'd say forget about it and try to organize something else later on. If she blows you off again, then I'd assume that there is no interest at which point you could probably say something.

Oh and I'm a guy so what do I know!

Red_Dot

Oh I feel for ya. Iv had a similar thing with a friend I lost touch with (we were good friends when we were young, but stupid teenage things got in the way). Every couple of years I end up emailing or texting her, and she always seems keen to catch up, and then she bails.
It sux, because she always seems really enthusiastic about it, so I get excited, because we were really really close, and then nothing ever happens.

Its easy to say 'just give up on it, she isnt interested' but Im a person who needs answers. If they say things are good between you now, and they want to catch up, then do it, or tell it to me straight.

So I say, talk to her again, and just ask her straight out. Otherwise you will always be looking for answers.

gobrowns19

Flaky people suck :(

Although I know in the past i've been flaky so I probably deserve it.

_

I'm a woman and I hate flaky people just as much as the next guy, but it's situations like this that make me think twice before agreeing (or even tentatively agreeing) to ever go out with a guy. I too frequently feel a sense of entitelment (for lack of a better word) from guys I barely even know... like I owe them something - my time, my attention, an explanation, or whatever. I don't like to feel like I need to provide a reason for every moment that I can't spend time with someone, call them back right away, or whatever - and then to worry about whether or not my reason will live up to his standards.

While I undersand how you feel, my opinion is that you're probably making a bigger deal out of this than need be and you should just let it go.

For one thing, she never actually made plans with you so there's nothing flaky about what happened.

Secondly, it doesn't matter that you asked her first so there's nothing for you to be understanding or feel slighted about. If having dinner with her parents that night is more important to her than spending the evening with you, that's her prerogative and there's nothing wrong with that. You don't know what details factored in to her decision-making process and, even if you did, it's not for you to judge.

Third, running errands in the morning and spending the afternoon with friends does not preclude having dinner with her parents. (I don't eat dinner in the morning or afternoon, do you?) She's probably doing that too. She's not obligated to mention it on her website. She certainly shouldn't feel compelled to mention it just to appease her suitors. (I swear, all these networking sites have just made interpersonal relationships more complicated. 15 years ago you wouldn't have been able to see her "status" online and this issue wouldn't even exist.)

Finally, even if she did change her plans, so what? She has a right to change her plans and doesn't owe you the evening or even an explanation. It doesn't necessarily mean she blew you off. You just really don't have enough information to judge. And if you want to develop a relationship/friendship with this person, you probably shouldn't start out by judging or giving her a hard time anyway.

That's just my $0.02. But maybe I'm sensitive. Good luck!

justam

It sounds like she told you a small lie because she didn't really want to get together with you and yet didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you that.

You should probably just let it go.

ZiggyStar

Move on....

fanch75

You could stalk her, that would be pretty awesome.

Cinnamon Girl

scb wrote:

I'm a woman and I hate flaky people just as much as the next guy, but it's situations like this that make me think twice before agreeing (or even tentatively agreeing) to ever go out with a guy. I too frequently feel a sense of entitelment (for lack of a better word) from guys I barely even know... like I owe them something - my time, my attention, an explanation, or whatever. I don't like to feel like I need to provide a reason for every moment that I can't spend time with someone, call them back right away, or whatever - and then to worry about whether or not my reason will live up to his standards.

While I undersand how you feel, my opinion is that you're probably making a bigger deal out of this than need be and you should just let it go.

For one thing, she never actually made plans with you so there's nothing flaky about what happened.

Secondly, it doesn't matter that you asked her first so there's nothing for you to be understanding or feel slighted about. If having dinner with her parents that night is more important to her than spending the evening with you, that's her prerogative and there's nothing wrong with that. You don't know what details factored in to her decision-making process and, even if you did, it's not for you to judge.

Third, running errands in the morning and spending the afternoon with friends does not preclude having dinner with her parents. (I don't eat dinner in the morning or afternoon, do you?) She's probably doing that too. She's not obligated to mention it on her website. She certainly shouldn't feel compelled to mention it just to appease her suitors. (I swear, all these networking sites have just made interpersonal relationships more complicated. 15 years ago you wouldn't have been able to see her "status" online and this issue wouldn't even exist.)

Finally, even if she did change her plans, so what? She has a right to change her plans and doesn't owe you the evening or even an explanation. It doesn't necessarily mean she blew you off. You just really don't have enough information to judge. And if you want to develop a relationship/friendship with this person, you probably shouldn't start out by judging or giving her a hard time anyway.

That's just my $0.02. But maybe I'm sensitive. Good luck!

Well put.

iluvcats

you checked her status online.

it said she would be with friends.

she may have told a fib and the you checked up on her, what's that? is that mildly being nosey?

I'd move on.

Phantom Pain

Don't let it get to you

She didn't want to hang out and didn't have the balls to tell you

Forget about it....Don't over analyze it either and drive yourself crazy

iluvcats

"(I swear, all these networking sites have just made interpersonal relationships more complicated. 15 years ago you wouldn't have been able to see her "status" online and this issue wouldn't even exist.)"

Yep.

ajedigecko

we are all flaky.......you think she is flaky and someone you know, thinks you are flaky.

Heineken Helen

scb wrote:

I'm a woman and I hate flaky people just as much as the next guy, but it's situations like this that make me think twice before agreeing (or even tentatively agreeing) to ever go out with a guy. I too frequently feel a sense of entitelment (for lack of a better word) from guys I barely even know... like I owe them something - my time, my attention, an explanation, or whatever. I don't like to feel like I need to provide a reason for every moment that I can't spend time with someone, call them back right away, or whatever - and then to worry about whether or not my reason will live up to his standards.

While I undersand how you feel, my opinion is that you're probably making a bigger deal out of this than need be and you should just let it go.

For one thing, she never actually made plans with you so there's nothing flaky about what happened.

Secondly, it doesn't matter that you asked her first so there's nothing for you to be understanding or feel slighted about. If having dinner with her parents that night is more important to her than spending the evening with you, that's her prerogative and there's nothing wrong with that. You don't know what details factored in to her decision-making process and, even if you did, it's not for you to judge.

Third, running errands in the morning and spending the afternoon with friends does not preclude having dinner with her parents. (I don't eat dinner in the morning or afternoon, do you?) She's probably doing that too. She's not obligated to mention it on her website. She certainly shouldn't feel compelled to mention it just to appease her suitors. (I swear, all these networking sites have just made interpersonal relationships more complicated. 15 years ago you wouldn't have been able to see her "status" online and this issue wouldn't even exist.)

Finally, even if she did change her plans, so what? She has a right to change her plans and doesn't owe you the evening or even an explanation. It doesn't necessarily mean she blew you off. You just really don't have enough information to judge. And if you want to develop a relationship/friendship with this person, you probably shouldn't start out by judging or giving her a hard time anyway.

That's just my $0.02. But maybe I'm sensitive. Good luck!

I agree with every word... getting so angry about a date that was never really planned in the first place is just a bit scary if you ask me :oops:

If you're interested either try once more or tell her it's her turn now... don't get annoyed and don't get angry. If she blows you off again, she's probably just not interested... or maybe she has a life... who knows?

ajedigecko

here is another idea............maybe she is on a website asking advice on how to deal with flaky people.

Evil Merlin Part Deux

Just let it go...you're being a bit nosey on a plan that was never set in stone. On top of that, maybe she went out to dinner, and then went out with her friends after that. I don't think you have much ground to stand on to investigate this that much and on top of that...let it bother you when you're not really in any kind of relationship that means anything with this person.

On top of that, it's no offense to you, or anyone this ever happens to, but sometimes people just want to leave their options open incase something opens up for somebody/something they want to see/do more on the day you've made yourself available. If you want to see that as flaky, well then take it for what it's worth and don't bother with that person anymore. If you think they're worth it, then wait til that moment where they feel they have nothing better to do, are bored just sitting at home, and would rather try something and go out with you. That's all. And saying dinner with parents is a very common phrase to use, because most people won't try to talk you out of that one, and if you try to, you'll just come off as pushy and that person probably won't get back to you.

Plus as far as a networking status goes, I can change mine right now to, "Going to work, then hitting up Eva Angelina and Halle Barry after for a threesome."

Doesn't mean that's going to happen.

comebackgirl

justam wrote:

It sounds like she told you a small lie because she didn't really want to get together with you and yet didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you that.

You should probably just let it go.

I agree. If she's interested, she'll contact you. Otherwise, it may mean she just really wasn't that interested in getting together, but didn't want to come right out and say that...in which case you're better off just moving on.

12345AGNST1

this happened to me recently with this chick. I got her number, she kept telling me how we have to chill and shit...time came to chill and she said she couldnt. The worst part was that she told me this a few hours before i was going to pick her up. Then a few days later she tells me sorry and that we have to chill, we made plans for friday, friday came and she didnt pick up after calling her twice.

After that I just texted her saying if you tell me you wanna chill atleast stick with it. I havent talked to her since, im not wasting my time.

megatron

instead of facebook status checks or whatever maybe you should just gaff and tag her like a shark to monitor her movements..

goo

iluvcats wrote:

"(I swear, all these networking sites have just made interpersonal relationships more complicated. 15 years ago you wouldn't have been able to see her "status" online and this issue wouldn't even exist.)"

Yep.

I know man... it's pretty sad. it's pretty typical of our generation.

and thanks to a lot of you with some helpful comments, but others of you need to lighten up on me. I'm not enraged with anger over here over a "tentative" date that got thrown out and it's not like I'm stalking anyone. I can't help I caught site of what she said when I signed onto MY facebook. sheesh.

flywallyfly

RACE THAT CANT BE WON wrote:

instead of facebook status checks or whatever maybe you should just gaff and tag her like a shark to monitor her movements..

Good one ! LOL....

fanch75

12345AGNST1 wrote:

After that I just texted her saying if you tell me you wanna chill atleast stick with it. I havent talked to her since, im not wasting my time.

Shi, you treat a bytch like Seven-Up; neva have, neva will! You tell the bytch like this: you say, "Bytch, you wisout me is like Harold Melvin wisout da Blue Notes, you'll never go platinum! Hey yo, Daz, gimme a light."

_Crazy_Mary_

I say let it go.
If she contacts you, then maybe you can set up another date. If not, forget about it.
Some people have serious trouble saying no. She may have told you 'yes' to not hurt your feelings. Or maybe she did want to see you, but chickened out. She could be extremely shy.
Don't get in touch with her, though. Let her come to you. And don't ask her about dinner w/ her parents.

bee_boy

I thought this thread was about dandruff and psoriasis

mfc2006

bee_boy wrote:

I thought this thread was about dandruff and psoriasis

iluvcats

_Crazy_Mary_ wrote:

IAnd don't ask her about dinner w/ her parents.

I agree

_

goo wrote:

and thanks to a lot of you with some helpful comments, but others of you need to lighten up on me. I'm not enraged with anger over here over a "tentative" date that got thrown out and it's not like I'm stalking anyone. I can't help I caught site of what she said when I signed onto MY facebook. sheesh.

Fair enough. But if you are coming across as slightly... uh, intense (for lack of a better adjective), wouldn't you rather hear it from us strangers before reacting in a way that might cause you to hear it from her? It's not to say that's the way you feel - just that your actions/attitude MAY be interpreted that way.

As for the advice to make her come to you, I disagree. If you feel like hanging out with her, ask her out again and don't play any games. I always think honesty is the best policy. And if you're honest about how you feel and are non-judgemental, it creates an environment where she can be comfortable being honest about how she feels, including telling you straight up if she's not interested.

At this point, any assumption that she blew you off and/or isn't interested is nothing but speculation. Sometimes people are just busy or feeling kind of anti-social. I avoid going out with new people, though, for fear that they won't be understanding of this and will just think I'm blowing them off all the time. It's too bad though, 'cuz there were guys I would've gone out with again had they just not been so quick to think I was blowing them off.

12345AGNST1

fanch75 wrote:

12345AGNST1 wrote:

After that I just texted her saying if you tell me you wanna chill atleast stick with it. I havent talked to her since, im not wasting my time.

Shi, you treat a bytch like Seven-Up; neva have, neva will! You tell the bytch like this: you say, "Bytch, you wisout me is like Harold Melvin wisout da Blue Notes, you'll never go platinum! Hey yo, Daz, gimme a light."

do you smoke crack?

fanch75

12345AGNST1 wrote:

fanch75 wrote:

12345AGNST1 wrote:

After that I just texted her saying if you tell me you wanna chill atleast stick with it. I havent talked to her since, im not wasting my time.

Shi, you treat a bytch like Seven-Up; neva have, neva will! You tell the bytch like this: you say, "Bytch, you wisout me is like Harold Melvin wisout da Blue Notes, you'll never go platinum! Hey yo, Daz, gimme a light."

do you smoke crack?

Negro, please.