elderly parents and care
decides2dream
Posts: 14,977
bit of venting and ranting....probably will ramble on, be long...so if no interest, kindly move along...;)
i realize most here don't have elderly parents, but i do know some do. i am sure many of you are facing, or at least thinking about the inevitable and facing caring/assisting elderly parents. i already went thru it once with my father - he was 'elderly' when i was 16 and onwards - we had a huge age difference. my parents were seperated, and me and my oldest sister, but me most especially, took the brunt of responsibility of taking my father to docotr appointments, finding/supervising his home health aides, etc. the only truly "difficult" thing...aside from watching him grow weaker, more ill - more than likely suffering from alzheimers and repercussions of his diabetes.....was when we had to take his driver's license away. THAT was so difficult, and heart-wrenching...b/c that was the first true realization for him and us, of his diminshing abilities and loss of independence. from that point on, he happily accepted all assistance, deferred to our judgement for his best care, and also thankfully he had the $$$ to afford care on his own, in his own home, until the end.
now, my mom is 80 and as many of you may remember over the last year or 2 has had some major health scares....but overall, she is doing really well and most importantly, her mental facilities are still pretty sharp. she too is financially independent and has made sure she always will be, has a health care proxy and all that, lives in a 55+ condo community so lots of people and assitance around tho not an assited living facility, and she does still drive and get around...b/c she still can. again, getting her to stop driving when the time does come may be difficult....but i too think she will overall, gracefully accept things.
so on and on....wtf is my problem? :P my 86 year old father-in-law. just found out yesterday he is NOT doing well on his own at ALL. my husband and him are NOT close, never have been and never will be. bottomline, his dad was a pretty shit father and quite the selfish asshole, but none the less he IS his father, and of course he loves and cares about him. so there is contact, just very limited, which normally is the best for all involved. only his sister has weekely contact, and that is merely by phone. she called up hubby's bro yesterday insisting he go over to the dad's house b/c she says he's definitely losing it, vbeen ill, all sorts of issues. he does go over. the house is disgusting. once again, the man has plenty of $$$, but refuses to spend a dime, even on himself...so for years tried to get him to accept a housekeeper, but he won't, and definitely would not pay for it. also, won't accept a home health aide. did i mention he's always been paranoid? now it's only getting worse. he's been sick, he hasn't been eating, he's probably close to 70 pounds. he's living in filth, can't get around anymore....but refused to go to the hospital, doesn't want outside help....he does however want my husband's brother (who is still working full-time, has a house of his own and is 56) to move in with him in his tiny, gross house and take care of him. he really SHOULD go to the hospital and at the very least get an IV and be nursed back to health, but the last time he went to the hospital, he never 'forgave' my husband and his brother for it. as i've said the man has plenty of $$$...he could afford a housekeeper, a home health aide and still stay in his own home b/c he absolutely refuses to leave....but he won't even go for that. am afraid he may have to be declared legally incompetent to get the care he needs, and it saddens me for my husband and his bro and sis, b/c i KNOW their father will hold it against them all....and he already has accused hubby's bro of stealing some of his money he has hidden all over his house. it is beyond sad. and yes...it just sucks.....b/c how can you help someone when they DON't want to help themselves truly...or only on their impossible terms. he has always been the most selfish, ungenerous and actually a mean father....and now he wants one son to give up his life completely, unnecessarily. he also likes to laud over them all how they will get 'everything' when he dies......but no one really cares about it. far better to be loving and generous while your alive, enjoy and care for your own life too....then just save it all for when you're dead.
well...there really isn't much *point* to all this....hahaha....as i said, just venting. this has been a worr a long time in the making, and will continue to be. i also just feel soooo bad for my husband b/c it is difficult enough to dal with when you've had a loving parentl relationship, and i imagine it's even more difficult b/c they ALL have such conflicted feelinfs, but of course deep down love their dad and want to do right by him, even tho he makes it ridiculously difficult, always has....and always has been so selfish and unloving no matter how much his children tried.
*sighs*
anyhoo...if you made it this far, thanks for reading my semi-incoherent points.....and yes, it's a long hard road ahead.......
anyone with personal experiences, stories they want to share....feel free. i know many face similar difficulties and many far, far worse...
i realize most here don't have elderly parents, but i do know some do. i am sure many of you are facing, or at least thinking about the inevitable and facing caring/assisting elderly parents. i already went thru it once with my father - he was 'elderly' when i was 16 and onwards - we had a huge age difference. my parents were seperated, and me and my oldest sister, but me most especially, took the brunt of responsibility of taking my father to docotr appointments, finding/supervising his home health aides, etc. the only truly "difficult" thing...aside from watching him grow weaker, more ill - more than likely suffering from alzheimers and repercussions of his diabetes.....was when we had to take his driver's license away. THAT was so difficult, and heart-wrenching...b/c that was the first true realization for him and us, of his diminshing abilities and loss of independence. from that point on, he happily accepted all assistance, deferred to our judgement for his best care, and also thankfully he had the $$$ to afford care on his own, in his own home, until the end.
now, my mom is 80 and as many of you may remember over the last year or 2 has had some major health scares....but overall, she is doing really well and most importantly, her mental facilities are still pretty sharp. she too is financially independent and has made sure she always will be, has a health care proxy and all that, lives in a 55+ condo community so lots of people and assitance around tho not an assited living facility, and she does still drive and get around...b/c she still can. again, getting her to stop driving when the time does come may be difficult....but i too think she will overall, gracefully accept things.
so on and on....wtf is my problem? :P my 86 year old father-in-law. just found out yesterday he is NOT doing well on his own at ALL. my husband and him are NOT close, never have been and never will be. bottomline, his dad was a pretty shit father and quite the selfish asshole, but none the less he IS his father, and of course he loves and cares about him. so there is contact, just very limited, which normally is the best for all involved. only his sister has weekely contact, and that is merely by phone. she called up hubby's bro yesterday insisting he go over to the dad's house b/c she says he's definitely losing it, vbeen ill, all sorts of issues. he does go over. the house is disgusting. once again, the man has plenty of $$$, but refuses to spend a dime, even on himself...so for years tried to get him to accept a housekeeper, but he won't, and definitely would not pay for it. also, won't accept a home health aide. did i mention he's always been paranoid? now it's only getting worse. he's been sick, he hasn't been eating, he's probably close to 70 pounds. he's living in filth, can't get around anymore....but refused to go to the hospital, doesn't want outside help....he does however want my husband's brother (who is still working full-time, has a house of his own and is 56) to move in with him in his tiny, gross house and take care of him. he really SHOULD go to the hospital and at the very least get an IV and be nursed back to health, but the last time he went to the hospital, he never 'forgave' my husband and his brother for it. as i've said the man has plenty of $$$...he could afford a housekeeper, a home health aide and still stay in his own home b/c he absolutely refuses to leave....but he won't even go for that. am afraid he may have to be declared legally incompetent to get the care he needs, and it saddens me for my husband and his bro and sis, b/c i KNOW their father will hold it against them all....and he already has accused hubby's bro of stealing some of his money he has hidden all over his house. it is beyond sad. and yes...it just sucks.....b/c how can you help someone when they DON't want to help themselves truly...or only on their impossible terms. he has always been the most selfish, ungenerous and actually a mean father....and now he wants one son to give up his life completely, unnecessarily. he also likes to laud over them all how they will get 'everything' when he dies......but no one really cares about it. far better to be loving and generous while your alive, enjoy and care for your own life too....then just save it all for when you're dead.
well...there really isn't much *point* to all this....hahaha....as i said, just venting. this has been a worr a long time in the making, and will continue to be. i also just feel soooo bad for my husband b/c it is difficult enough to dal with when you've had a loving parentl relationship, and i imagine it's even more difficult b/c they ALL have such conflicted feelinfs, but of course deep down love their dad and want to do right by him, even tho he makes it ridiculously difficult, always has....and always has been so selfish and unloving no matter how much his children tried.
*sighs*
anyhoo...if you made it this far, thanks for reading my semi-incoherent points.....and yes, it's a long hard road ahead.......
anyone with personal experiences, stories they want to share....feel free. i know many face similar difficulties and many far, far worse...
Stay with me...
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
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My maternal grandmother however sounds a lot like your father-in-law. She lived to be 96 and refused to go into a "home". My poor mother (who ended up dying quickly before her mom did) searched all over for a very nice place and spent days upon days, months upon months, trying to make her happy. Nothing was good enough. She was a stubborn and not too easy woman to get along with. What finally happened is she called 911 once too often and the hospital wouldn't release her to go home, only to a care facility. Well, she lasted 1 week there, with numerous calls both ways every day from the facility to my aunt and me, and vice verse, then just quietly died. She had been saying for years that she was ready to go. There is only so much you can do.
It sounds like your father-in-law is just as determined to stay at home. Is there someone he trusts that could mediate? A doctor or family friend? Not that that would do any good.
My thoughts go out to you though, I know it sure isn't easy. Good luck.
It's a tricky thing. We're experiencing a similar situation. My wife's grandmother is 87 years old and up until 6 months ago, was in great health. She was active, still driving herself to see friends & family & had no health issues. She has had a low hemoglobin level for years. One day, her energy just wasn't there. She went to the dr & they admitted her for testing & to receive blood. It's been an up and down rollercoaster ever since. My mother in law has taken over and is consumed by it--that's all she talks about. My wife & I basically spent 3-4 weeks driving back & forth from Waco to Houston in December to help in any way that we could. I was patient and eventually my wife realized that we can't do that financially. We took time off from our jobs & the travel expenses were coming out of our savings at one point.
Sorry to tell the whole story, but there is a point!! ( I hope! )
Anyway, my mother in law is constantly laying guilt trips on us about coming down. We're both in grad school & we wotk full time jobs, so our free time is quite limited. When we do go down there, it's never enough in her eyes. She tries to stall us so we won't leave & we've both had about enough of it.
My mother in law is the medical power of attorney over my wife's g'ma. Mama's (that's what we call her) has been back & forth through the last 6 months---hospital, recovery care facility, home, hospital, facility, etc, etc. there is no end in sight to this & it's wearing her down. We talked to my mother in law last weekend about this when we were there. We told her how we felt. We said that as much as you want your Mom to be "normal" again, it's not going to happen & it's not fair to keep shuttling her back & forth. We said that she had to look out for her Mom's best interest and that may mean a permanent care facility. She didn't say much & she looked angry/annoyed.
When my wife talks to her Mom, that's all they talk about & it breaks my wife's heart. It's so hard when family members are sick. In this case, Mama isn't the one being stubborn, it's my mother in law that is. When dealing with health issues among the family, it's always best to be direct. Sadly, these direct thoughts are not always welcomed & fall on deaf ears.
Sorry to ramble about this....Mama was just re-admitted this morning & it's on my mind.
I sincerely hope in gets better for both of you, decides2dream & patrickredeyes. Thoughts & prayers are with you both.
www.cluthelee.com
www.cluthe.com
Have Home and Community Support come and assess your father-in-law and if he'd declared incompetent to person (and maybe finances) then you husband will be able to make any and all medical decisions. He won't be able to go in to a care home without at PoA in place anyway...if he's not capable of make an informed decision, then with the PoA he won't have to make those decisions...he might also need to be assessed regarding cognitive function in terms of dementia.
I type geriatric psychiatry consults all the time (my job) and this issue ALWAYS comes up....
My father-in-law insists that my husband and I are going to be the ones looking after him because he does't want to be bathed by strangers. I just laugh at him. There's no way we'd be able to take of him. It's a noble intention, but resentment and burn out happen pretty quick. I keep harping that the brother in law needs to set up a power of attorney BEFORE one is needed so that it is already in place. But everyone is afraid to talk about it.
I empthize with everyone in this thread...my elderly great-aunt refused to go into care and we kept her at home as long as possible but she started falling and over medicating...and was ALONE...once she agreed to placement, she made all sorts of friends, was flirting the the old guys, and seemed to really enjoy it there (despite her saying she didn't - we could tell she did)...and when she died there..she didn't die alone...
Anyway, my mom no longer drives but still lives alone (has life alert) and does her own meals, etc. She does have a housekeeper and there are 4 siblings close by but as usual, there is usually one that is more reliable than others and it is me! Whatever. I do get pissed off sometimes because I want the others to see that they are luck y to be able to still be with her and have a fun visit. I also have a mother in law who no longer drives. Like you Dreams, my husband is not extremely close to her but we are the ONLY ones to help her so yeah—we have 2 parents to worry about and help out (only the MIL has to be helped financially) plus 2 kids that are both gonna be in college next year, yada yada yada, so feel like that so-called sandwich generation.
Thanks for the forum to vent here. Makes me realize I need to be more thankful. :oops:
Dreams—have you thought of calling an elderly care organization for advice?
Take care all...
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
my father-in-law, really, is an asshole. :oops: hate to be so blunt, but it's the truth. there are far too many hurtful horror stories, and outside of people with true physical abuse, i've never personally known a parent to treat his children as he has, their entire lives. that alone makes it difficult to 'care' at all....and add in his un-cooperative stance, soooo much worse than it needs to be, but that's how it ALWAYS is with him! :evil:
anyhoo...i think hubby's bro might? already have a PoA, but it may well be limited in many ways, unsure. for YEARS i tried to convince them, and their father, how necessary it is to have a health care proxy, a trust, etc, etc....to protcet himself, his assets (which i think he loves more than ANYthing) and to have his wishes known and followed. sadly, i think there has always been some degree of mental instability his entire life.....always paranoia, always thinking people are against him, trying to harm him, trying to steal from him, etc. it's truly sad and pathetic. he trusts NO one, not any family member, has NO friends and never has. his deceased wife was miserable married to him and died over 20 years ago...so he's basically been living alone, all alone - by choice, all this time. so you bet.....EVERY step of the way is going to be extremely difficult and painful. after all hubby's bro did the other day when alerted to the situation, he was beyond hurt when his dad asked him to get some $$$ (from a can under the couch - one of his numerous stashes) and when he told him how much $$ was there, the father said it was wrong, more was there...and that he stole it. this is how he is, always has been.....so it just makes a bad situation worse.
just great to get it *out there*......and i soooooooooo feel for you patrick, and anyone else going thru this, or facing it in the future. hubby and i always knew this is what it would be like, and being that we both are the youngest of our family, both live the closest to our respective parents still around...always knew much of the brunt of things would fall on our shoulders. thus far, his dad is falling moreso on his bro, but who knows? he's been planning on moving to FLA next year for a long while...his sister is utterly useless. take it one day at a time.
and patrick, i spent a good chunk of my late HS years and early college years, taking my father to the doctor - watched him get a spinal tap! - interviewing and supervising home health aides, etc. no complaints, i'd do it again in a heartbeat....but yea...just not what an 18 year old should be doing or worrying about. thankfully tho, sure...no family is *perfect* and we had our fair share of dysfunction like any other family....but my parents truly were GREAT, you knew you were so loved, wanted, cared for, they did EVERYthing they could for us, taught us well, so generous, etc......it makes it all so 'easy' to want to do the best for them in return.
good luck to us all!
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
scary, isn't it? :?
thankfully, both my mom and his dad DO have the financial independence to afford whatever care they want/need....just in his case, it's actually GETTING hi to spend his $$$ to do so. none of us are in a financial position to do so, and quite frankly, don't want to either. guess i should be glad we don't have to worry about kids of our own on top of it - i feel for ya! and seriously, it makes it soooo much easier, even amongst such difficulties, when the parents are cooperative. if you recall, last year with my mom, LOTs of scares early in the year, taking her to the hospital, etc....but thankfully....even on easter when she wasn't allowed to leave and go to my sister's house, she was truly devasted/disappointed....but she didn't hold it against me when i recommended her following doctor's orders and all.
as to really exploring options...firstly, my husband is the youngest, and his family really follows pecking order, so he doesn't feel 'right' pushing too much. also, his brother has some sort of legal authority to some degree anyway.....and so i think he defers to him usually. quite honestly, since he is not my father, i am always hesitant to get too involved, as i said, it's always been a strained relationship at best....ad honestly, my presnence in the family - having parties, going out for dinner, having him over for dad's day, always sending cards and such - has been the 'most' of them getting together at all. i think it's been years since his sis has seen her father - her husband and her dad don't get along and my hubby and his bro get together with hi 1-2x a year.....and then sporadic visits/check-ups. it's just the most bizarre family and relationships. both brothers are going there saturday to do some repairs, buy groceries for him, etc.....and hope to work from there making an assessment of his needs, getting his doctor involved, etc.
whew.........
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
My Mum and Dad and are both 79 and while Dad's in resonable health Mum's at stage 7 with Alzeimers(the worst stage of the diesease). Up until a week ago Dad was taking care of her at home and doing an awesome job too. I moved back home to help out and I really stuggle watching her fade the away the way she is but Dad just carries on with what he has to do. About two months ago we talked Dad into getting some in home care. A women comes for an 1 1/2 hours 4 times a week to basically keep Mum occupied while Dad can go gets things done, whether it be mow the lawn or do a bit of shopping. But she hurt her back last week and was in alot of pain so she was x-rayed(maybe a cracked rib) and admitted to hospital and hasn't been let out since. Dad can't lift her anyomre so they won't let her go home until she can get up on her own, something I fear she'll never be able to do again as she also has bad arthritis in her knees. So in her best interests we're admitting her to a nursing home today even though she constantly repeats to my Dad "Your not going to put me in a home are you?" its something we have to do in her best interests. Dad's hung in there as long as he could but he just can't do it on his own anymore. She's reached the stage where she needs high level care and as much as he tries he can't provide that. We have a reasonable nursing room for her considering the sort notice we had to find one but we've started to look for a double room so they can live together there in a nice place somewhere.
The big difference with my situation is I have an awesome old man and although he's as stubborn as a mule we can always get him to think about what would be best for Mum for he still loves her very much after 55 years of marriage and that he can't physically move her around on his own anymore.
Good Luck everyone with your situations. It's been the hardest thing I ever had to deal with so far in this life and I dealt with some pretty crappy situation before now.
Decides2, if can get the boys thinking about how this will end if you leave him as is, you'll go a long way to getting them in the right frame of mind to make the right decisions.
he was not a great father, already older when i was born(45ish i think), major gambling issues and was just not into being a dad which most likely comes from him losing a 11 year old son when i was still a baby so i think he feared getting close. so as much as i should be able to forgive him a bit, it's still a real weird relationship.
anyways, he will be turning 73 this easter, just about 2 years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer. he had surgeries for both sides and chemo and radiation... and it all caught up with him in the last 6-8 months. honestly he looked SO bad a month ago, i would not have expected him to make it this far. he went to the hospital and since then was put in a rehab/retirement home but insurance only covers 21 days as long as its doctor recommended.
i just turned in his car yesterday which unlike the OP, i did not find this hard at all. it might be because i was over it since he hasn't driven himself anywhere in over 6 months. i also feel good about it cause even if he was physically able to drive, i really don't think he can give the amount of focus driving needs. i am all for retesting people for drivers licenses not matter what age they are maybe every 2 years with registration or something... i see too many old(and young) people driving that really should not be.
so i am signed onto his bank account and have everything he needs hooked up to auto withdrawl. he has money saved now, but no wheres near enough to live on. he had a major gambling problem and back in november when i was first signed onto his account and looking and the crazy withdrawl history, i confronted him and we had a huge argument about it. he was spending over 2k/month AND borrowing from his wealthy brother when he needed to pay bills. since then he stopped and in 4 months he's banked about 10k!
he doesn't have any kind of assets or anything and his wealthy brother supposedly has arrangements set up for funeral arrangements. but what do i do next? the rehab/retirement home he is in right now costs over 10k/month! i have to get him signed up to medicaid but i really don't know if he will qualify since IMO he makes a fair amount of money, he just never saved it.
as of now, he is doing a lot better. he has become more mentally alert than he has been in months. the nurses and physical therapists say he does not belong in such an intense rehab/retirement home anymore, but some sort of assisted living is strongly suggested.
i know nothing of what to expect. my parents have been divorced for years and my mother is quite a bit more healthy. i just want to find the right facility for him to live in that he can afford in one way or another.
She lives in the town we live in now, but when we move she wants to move back to California to be near my sister. She doesn't want to come with us because she doesn't like Florida. I'm worried about her.
stb
I wish I was able to say all the things I'd like to tonight but mainly I just want D2D and everyone else who's posted in this thread to know that you're not alone in this situation. And it's always stressful and always tough, even in a close-knit family, so it's compounded when family members don't get along. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. You can't possibly do it all. Just by coming into this thread, even if it's only to vent, you're looking for support and that's a positive step.
And when it comes to guilt, a friend of mine told me something years ago that I find very helpful. It takes 2 people to make a guilt trip: a guilt-er and a guilt-ee. Somebody can try to lay a guilt trip on you but you don't have to accept it. Parents have a lot of practice at making their kids feel guilty. They did it to you all the time when you were growing up so they are naturally going to have the advantage. Keep that in mind the next Mom (or whoever) starts in on you. Just my 2 cents.
I'm glad to see this thread because this is a big issue for me. Take care, everyone.
it's such a shame to have to go thru all this, i feel for us ALL. even with loving parental relationships, it's so difficult. i do not look forward to the day when my mom's condo facility is not enough for her, her needing more care, etc. i think most especially b/c my father has been gone 17 years now....the thought of losing my last living parent is a devestating one to imagine. thankfully, she's still in pretty damn fine shape for an 80 year old woman who lives on coffee and cigarettes!
justam - your mom is so young! that's so nice for you, and especially your kids! my parents were soooo much older than me (dad 55, mom 40 when i was born) and they both were the youngest children of their parents...so i had zero grandparents, always the youngest cousin, etc. hell, imost of my first cousins are 50+ now.....closer in age with a great many of the second cousins.
lots of great advice and support..i thank you all! i am sure to revisit this thread to vent in the future....:P hope all feel free to do the same. that alone is a great help.
and this:
Decides2, if can get the boys thinking about how this will end if you leave him as is, you'll go a long way to getting them in the right frame of mind to make the right decisions.
that's exactly what i'm thinking. i haven't even really had a chance to have a conversation with my husband about all this yet, hopefully tomorrow night. he and his bro go over there saturday, so i am hoping to plant some seeds of ideas in his head, help him along and help them make the right decision for their dad, and for themselves. it IS going to be so difficult b/c i know his dad won't want to part with a dime, part with any independence, have any strangers in his home...but at this point, it's a MUST. i am thinking at the very least, he needs a life alert button and a weekly housekeeper. the boys could do weekly shopping for him, etc, if they are willing....but i don't think it's long before a full-time home health aide or a health facility. he will fight it every step of the way, be beligerent and hateful - but it IS in his own best interest, even if he can't see it. i hope the 3 of them have the strength to see it and do what's right for him....and feel good about their choices.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
wow by the time my mom is 86, i'll be pretty old myself. we're only 21 years apart...she could be calling a social worker to go get me!
8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
10/10 - Brad in B'more
yes, it's such a shame. i *think* my bro-in-law already has a PoA, but unsure....definitely hubby will find out this weekend and work from there.
and yes, both my husband and i are the youngest children f our respective families, and both come from much older parents.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
for luvistower, and anyone else going thru all this.
as to my fil....sadly, somehow my husband became the 'bad guy' b/c he tried to get a landscaper for his dad's house, he did get one, his father harassed said landscaper while he was doing his work, fil hired another, cheaper landscaper, and then did not want to pay in full for the original landscaper's services....so even tho he's got plenty of $$$ and this guy did do the work....my husband ended up footing more than half the bill since he hired the guy/arranged everything. :roll: now b/c of that...somehow....my hubby was 'wrong'....and hubby's bday just past, and his dad didn't send a card. it was an absolute message/slight b/c he never forgets. we'll see if we get 'forgotten' on our anniversary next week too. this is the kind of stupid BS, fighting tooth and nail, just trying to meet his needs. he doesn't want a housekeeper, he doesn't want to pay to have groceries delivered, he doesn't want a home health aide.....he just wants his children to do EVERYthing for him, at their own expense and at his whim, or they are all horrible children. and that's merely highlights of this wonderful human being.......
oh, and for awhile his bro was paying all the bills for his dad, etc, hubby and bro alternated doing his grocery shopping/cleaning some......and now his father first tookback the checkbook from his brother b/c he told their sister he thinks they were stealing from him :? :evil: and then for a man who supposedly can't get around or do a blessed thing for himself, he managed to walk up to the bank and take his brother off the bank account. his bro was the ONLY one on any accounts, with an legal cdocuments, etc....so yea...now anything goes down, then what? this is what so annoys me. all his children have tried to do is help, help, help.....try to convince him to spend his own $$$ on himself, stop living such a miserly life, but enjoy what he earned, take care of himself, etc......and he won't. i think he thinks he can take it all with him, why he cares idk, doubt he'd spend it in the afterlife either.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
In the meantime, he is taking care of practical details with my mother-in-law's estate and getting my husband on all the bank accounts and such. I just went through so much of this a year and a half ago when my dad died suddenly and I want to be helpful but sometimes I don't know when I'm being "helpful" and when I'm perceived as "meddling." :?
This is just a tough stage in life. My husband and I have each lost the parent we were closest to and now it seems as though concerns for our surviving parents are always in the back of our minds, wondering if and when something else may go wrong. :(
:( :( :(
i'm so sorry for all you are dealing with.
as to your FIL, quite honestly, from the little you have said...he actually seems to be doing OK. i'd give him the time/space to figure himself out before you jump in too much. sounds like he is already making some wise plans/decisions. just try to be there for him when he needs you....just so he knows he can always reach out.
i lost my dad when i was 23 - 4 months before my wedding......and my husband lost his mother when he was only 20, just a few months after our first date. we both lost our *favorites* early in life. thankfully, while i was always far closer with my dad, i never had a "bad" relationship with my mom - tho we do lock horms from time to time
bottomline, it's so tough......
we also have so much *else* going on in our own lives, concerns of our own, what have you....just another layer of things to worry about, take care of, etc. just have to try and take it one day at a time and try and stay in a healthy/psoitive mindset.
wish you (and everyone) good luck with it all!
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
feeling guilt for not doing enough for my father- not realizing it wasn't about me and what I couldn't face it was about him and what I could and should have been for him. I will never forget saying goodbye long before he passed how awful was that-
then my mom and I was there - moved her to me across country - did it all apartment, hospital stays, nursing home- visiting 2 times daily for years - helping with the fears- imagining being by her side when she passed
A cold week in January (all of our birthday week) my daughter and I came down with an awful stomach bug- missed 2 days to the nursing home-
I found her there in her bed gone on the third day.
I was very angry for awhile I guess at God or the fates or whatever
my experiences have taught me to be all you can for those you love- give- forgive and realize its all out of our hands
hang in there....
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
thanks hun
Peace
"what a long, strange trip it's been"
My heart goes out to all of you dealing with this life changing issue. Hugs to you all.
ox
*May the Peace of the Wilderness be with YOU*
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
— Unknown
Our issue is that for both illnesses, no insurance will pay, even medicare. Wer can't put them in a nursing home 'cuz they say that to be put in one, the person has to be able to recover from whatever they have.
They can't recover from either. So, its self pay. All we could find is $45,000 a year, each! That is the cheap places.
They are allowed 100 days in their life time and my mom already used that up.
She is so bad that she doesn't even know she has a name. She thinks her home is a hospital and we are nurses. She says people are tying her up. Its just crazy.
She is 82, but my dad is 92. He merely forgets. Like, if I am over there and step outside to smoke, he greets me when I come in as if he hasn't seen me in a while.
She is steadily regressing. She is about 3 or 4 years old now.
I am afraid for myself also. They say this is genetic and its happening to people at younger and younger ages.
My (other) grandmother has been in a nursing home under medicare for over 15 years with severe dementia. I know that no one in my family is paying for it, and no one recovers from dementia.
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me