Indifference

Arcticangel

This song SPEAKS to me today like never before.
My ex-boyfriend (and ex-best friend) has a substance abuse problem that has escalated to disturbing levels since we broke up three years ago. He's dropped out of school, hasn't had a job for over a year, is about $20,000 in debt (impressive for a 21 year old), and the drugs and alcohol are really starting to take hold.
Through everything in my life he has always been "my person" the one who I tell everything to - and often the only person who really understands what I'm talking about.
Well, things have taken a turn for the worse, so about two months ago I realized that by being his friend I was enabling his destructive behavior. So I stopped. I haven't spoken to him since then. I have seen him out and about but I make sure to avoid him. I told him was why I was doing this - our other friends support my choice.
Last night we were out with the same group of friends, and he completely freaked out over nothing. I have never been so scared of him before. He was verbally abusing his girlfriend (one of my best and longest friends) - but I took most of the brunt of his words and actions.
Today, for the first time, I'm scared of him. Last night I didn't respond to anything he did. Didn't speak, didn't reply. Nothing. I acted like no big thing. But I'm shaken. I asked my roommate if I was doing the right thing by not letting him know that he's getting to me. She said that I am - and I know she's right. So until he's better...

I will hold the candle, till it burns up my arm
I'll keep takin' punches, until their will grows tired
Oh I will stare the sun down, until my eyes go blind
Hey I won't change direction, and I won't change my mind

how much difference does it make
how much difference does it make..
how much difference...

I'll swallow poison, until I grow immune
I will scream my lungs out till it fills this room


Thanks for letting me vent.
Angie.

DeLukin

Hey, hang in there. When he's ready for help I'm sure he knows you've always been there for him and when he's better he'll remember the pain he caused...

mikejr0005

Hmm, I have an entirely diffrent interputation of the song, but can see how it fits your situation very nicely... Music is a wonderful thing, and can help you through all situations in your life, its always nice to hear about other people who do the same as me.

I am not sure if you were asking for advice, but I'll just tell you somethings I've learned and maybe it will help you.

It seems like you are very close to this person and cared about him very much, but you can't keep bringing yourself down due to his self-distructive behavior. It is not your fault you feel hurt, you should never feel bad for it because its what makes you human, and the fact that you'd care about someone who obviously is lacking care for thierself is a testomony to you.

So you need to keep your head held up high because there is not a damn thing your doing wrong.

Now, my advice is to tell him how bad he is hurting you, how scared you are of him and what he is becoming. Tell him that it can be fixed, but he is heading down a horrible road. He has his whole life ahead of him, he can either waste it, or live it.

Of course, its just my advice, everyone is a individual, and I do not know ya'll..... But its just something to think about. Do whatever makes you happy, if its enduring this with him, then go ahead and you might could help him that way. Drugs and alcohol are dangerous things and can turn people into shells of their former selfs. But its not the end unless they choose it to be.

Kudos to you for being a good friend, and for taking your personal tragedies and turning them into something to learn from. Great song choice and keep your head up.

Arcticangel

Thank you all so much.
Now I would just really like him to stop quoting "Black" to me in his facebook profile..
*shakes head*
Why are some things so hard?

dcfaithful

Hey,
Like it's said above, hang in there. My sister struggled with addiction for most of her life...

I guess my learnings are this:

People do what they want, and when involved in self-destructive and addictive behavior it's hard to break them of their habit. You don't want to leave them aloen entirely to where they are able to do themselves some serious harm because they don't think things through.

I get from this that you really care for this person, and just because he may be at low he could be going through a really tough time. The kid is young, and struggling, and I personally think friends are crucial when you're struggilng, no matter what with...

I believe you are doing the right thing in doing what you need to do to help him as you see fit, but just keep in mind that people aren't around forever...if you don't need to don't disconnect yourself entirely. You and him must both know why you became friends in the first place.

I know this isn't really "advice" but jsut me rambling...I just hope it helps you with your thoughts.

We're all human
We all make mistakes
and we all need love and support from our friends and family.

onawizardonawhale

I've been in the same situation as your friend. It's tough when you care more about someone then they care about themselves. I know I put my family through hell. From my own experience, I wasn't ready to get clean until I was "ready." It didn't matter who I hurt or how much damage I caused. I just knew it was my time to get and stay clean. It just happens. But sadly, for some of us, it never happens.

I've always been a huge Pearl Jam fan, but after I got clean, the music, and especially the lyrics, became more meaningful to me. I can interpret the lyrics differently from day-to-day, from moment-to-moment. I appreciate how the band just "gets it." They have an awareness and an insightful perspective on this crazy world, not to mention kick-ass music! I see them live on every tour, I just don't get there early to tailgate!

So hang in there, and remember you can't change anyone. They have to want to change themselves.

P.S. Listen to "Save You." It's appropriate for this situation!

hitman

i'd go with "life wasted" and just never look back!! he'll sort it out on his own, and if not, he's beyond your help anyway, by the sounds of things.

Thorns2010

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

:( So sorry for you and your friend.

redeye

hang in there, hope it all works out

dimitrispearljam

its about everybodys life,,,we are selfish,,we love ,we crash,,we live,we die....and we try,,and we let it go...and the result is always the same,,,we are just too humans to deal with all....,,,
thats why we all love black lyrics,,,becouse some day ,,,we know,,,,

Sleep.With.Innocence

You've hit the nail on the head with that one. You're act is out of love, no one can negate that notion.

"And the young, they can lose hope cause they cant see beyond today, The wisdom that the old cant give away.
Constant recoil, Sometimes life dont leave you alone." - LBC

STT757

I remember the first time I heard this Song, I was laying in my bedroom one night (15 years ago) alone just listening to this song over and over again. It set the mood for what I was going through.

Tonight I went for a long drive by myself, it's a beautiful night and I had the moonroof open. I brought Vs. with me as I thought I would like to just cruise around blasting it. I went right to Indifference and played it over and over again for a good hour, powerful stuff. Really set the mood so I could work through stuff going through my head, unfortunately it's the same shit I was trying to work through fifteen years ago.

Arcticangel

Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom.
I wish I could say things were better. But.. as a lot of you know with things like this... :(
I haven't spoken to Tony for almost five months now.
I wish I could say that Tony hadn't spoken to me during that time frame.
I got a message from him a few weeks ago telling me about how he cut his wrists a while back because "you abandoned me in my most desperate hour. try to keep that in mind when you drop your next friend...i didn't want to believe you were that kind of person. now i know better."

I still haven't responded.

how much difference does it make...how much difference...

Save You is also so, so appropriate. I wish I could articulate that for him... but he's not ready to save himself yet.
Damn.
That is perfect.

Sleep.With.Innocence

Arcticangel wrote:

Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom.
I wish I could say things were better. But.. as a lot of you know with things like this... :(
I haven't spoken to Tony for almost five months now.
I wish I could say that Tony hadn't spoken to me during that time frame.
I got a message from him a few weeks ago telling me about how he cut his wrists a while back because "you abandoned me in my most desperate hour. try to keep that in mind when you drop your next friend...i didn't want to believe you were that kind of person. now i know better."

I still haven't responded.

how much difference does it make...how much difference...

Save You is also so, so appropriate. I wish I could articulate that for him... but he's not ready to save himself yet.
Damn.
That is perfect.

I can't fathom what you're going through. The emotional burden would be to much for me to handle. You're a very strong human.

"Help me help yourself,... please want me to,... please let me to."

Save you fits well. It's almost scary.

Fifthelement

Hey Arcticangel,

I hope your doing okay. Be strong, you are doing the right thing.

Arcticangel

I got a message from him a few weeks ago telling me about how he cut his wrists a while back because "you abandoned me in my most desperate hour. try to keep that in mind when you drop your next friend...i didn't want to believe you were that kind of person. now i know better."

He has abandoned himself, yet rather than face that fact he's putting the blame on you. You may, for your own sake, want to write him a letter. Tell him what he has meant to you in the past but also tell him that for both your sakes you cannot continue to enable his behaviour and this is why you have chosen to break off contact.

Tell him you wish him well, but until he can get clean and sober there is nothing you can do for him and then ask him not to contact you again until he is.

This advice may be irrelevant at this point but it is sincere. Good luck

dimitrispearljam

Arcticangel wrote:

Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom.
I wish I could say things were better. But.. as a lot of you know with things like this... :(
I haven't spoken to Tony for almost five months now.
I wish I could say that Tony hadn't spoken to me during that time frame.
I got a message from him a few weeks ago telling me about how he cut his wrists a while back because "you abandoned me in my most desperate hour. try to keep that in mind when you drop your next friend...i didn't want to believe you were that kind of person. now i know better."

I still haven't responded.

how much difference does it make...how much difference...

Save You is also so, so appropriate. I wish I could articulate that for him... but he's not ready to save himself yet.
Damn.
That is perfect.

u are so sweet person,,u deserve the best

DreamOfAngels

I'm sure there are a lot of experienced people on this board that can share their advice. I could share my own based on my experience too, but my experience was that "I" needed to "feel" the right thing to do. No one else telling me what they thought I should do ever helped me. I would continue to swirl until I figured it out. PJ music did help me.

I will ask one question though - have you considered finding an al-anon or similar support group for people that currently have, or had, relationships with someone abusing? There are different support groups based on whether it is alcohol or drug or other addiction as you might already know. They can be extremely helpful in many ways. For example, there are other people around you struggling with the same kinds of issues that you can talk with, the steps help teach you boundaries so you can feel okay about not enabling the person, and you can hear from some of the more experienced people about how they have handled specific situations or how they get through it, etc. If it has worked for someone else in the group, give it a try, it might work for you.

I know you don't know me, but I'm more than available to listen and provide support. I will NOT tell you what I think you should do, but instead, listen and maybe ask questions to challenge you so you can decide how to approach situations, etc. PM me if you want.
-K

dimitrispearljam

DreamOfAngels wrote:

I'm sure there are a lot of experienced people on this board that can share their advice. I could share my own based on my experience too, but my experience was that "I" needed to "feel" the right thing to do. No one else telling me what they thought I should do ever helped me. I would continue to swirl until I figured it out. PJ music did help me.

I will ask one question though - have you considered finding an al-anon or similar support group for people that currently have, or had, relationships with someone abusing? There are different support groups based on whether it is alcohol or drug or other addiction as you might already know. They can be extremely helpful in many ways. For example, there are other people around you struggling with the same kinds of issues that you can talk with, the steps help teach you boundaries so you can feel okay about not enabling the person, and you can hear from some of the more experienced people about how they have handled specific situations or how they get through it, etc. If it has worked for someone else in the group, give it a try, it might work for you.

I know you don't know me, but I'm more than available to listen and provide support. I will NOT tell you what I think you should do, but instead, listen and maybe ask questions to challenge you so you can decide how to approach situations, etc. PM me if you want.
-K

pearl jam fans are the best persons in the world