Someone help me undestand this

Yellow Ledbelly

Damn, I kinda got carried away here, but I would really appreciate some thoughts on this, so hang in there. Ladies might be able to shed more light on this than the dudes, I don't know. Thanks for reading though.

So, my best friend is girl and has been for the last five years or so. Our relationship took off immediately and we talked for hours and hours about some deeply personal things right out of the gate. Since then we had the same kind of relationship, very personal and supportive of each other no matter what the situation. It has truly been the most giving and open relationship of my life.

We typically speak every day, at least on the phone, but most days during the week she comes to my office on her lunch break and we sit around talking and smoking. We never go more than couple of days without some kind of communication and it has always been that way.

Here's the problem though: every now and then she suddenly stops talking to me, answering text messages or having any kind of communication. For example, last week we spent a lot of time together, including a one-on-one four-hour talk Friday night about a lot of deep personal things and then on Saturday she and one of her girl friends came to the house for the evening. Again, we had a great time as always.

Since then:
Sunday: tried to call her and sent a message and got no answer which I didn't mind because she goes to her sisters house a lot on Sunday and hangs out with her and her son.
Monday: She comes to office at lunch ranting about her idiiot boss. As she's leaving she says "I'll talk to you this evening, Love you." Monday night, I try to contact her and get nothing.
Tuesday: More nothing
Wednesday morning: I send her a message and ask her what she is mad about and she replies "I'm not mad. I just haven't felt like talking about work." Fine, but why does that mean I have to be ignored like I don't exist?
Wednesday evening: She assures me everything is fine, she's "just been busy and got a lot of stuff to do at the house." Ok, even though I know she isn't that busy I am used to hearing that excuse and even if she was nobody, I mean nobody is THAT busy
Thursday: I message her in the morning that I would be going to pick up breakfast from work and that is she wants anything to let me know and I would pick her up something, which I often do. Within an hour she asks me to bring her something, which I do, and she says see you at lunch. After that, no more from her. I tried to call a couple of times last night and still nothing.

To me, being ignored for no apparent reason by your closest relation is a big slap in the face and would seem to me to be cause to believe that person is angry for some reason. Am I to believe she has not spoken to a single one of her other friends this whole week? I don't and I won't.
She doesn't understand why it hurts me when she does this and ends up getting angry when I ask her why she is mad.
And always after a few days of blackout she is back like nothing is wrong. I know she is having a rough time at work but I don't understand how ignoring your best friend and treating someone like they don't exist has anything to do with that.

So, what is her deal? Am I wrong to be hurt when she shuts me out all of a sudden?

mfc2006

is it possible that she has developed feelings for you? or you for her? sometimes if that "vibe" is out there, it can change a relationship. maybe she's picked up on that & is trying to sort through it.

Heineken Helen

Close friendships are like relationships and should be treated as such. To be honest, I don't have much time for that kinda crap.... it's ok a couple of times, things really do come up or people go through bad times, I understand that... but REPEATEDLY... I simply have no time for it.

prytocorduroy

Me and my friend have this kind of relationship. Everything is cool, we talk like we're married, then he vanishes for a while. Bounces back acting like nothing's wrong. He's depressed and bipolar though, and I'm sure he's having some kind of split personality problems that he won't tell me about.

Perhaps she has some emotional/mental medical condition she's embarassed of, and is trying to hide it.

Yellow Ledbelly

MFC: Thing is that she has been married for three years and that has been rough at times and there was a time when when thing weren't so good with them that I became somewhat of a target for accusations. In the beginning it seemed like we would be a perfect couple, but I held back for a number of reasons, even though I think we certainly would have gotten together.

Helen: You're right and we do have one of those relationsships. If I didn't love her so much I would have already told her to kiss it because of this kind of behavior, but I won't because I know she cares a lot for me and depends on me a lot...99 percent of the time it is a very special relationship for both of us and I don't doubt that -- even from her point of view -- in the least.

Danny: As for any emotional issues, her problems with trust and being open to people who love her are often topics we discuss. She's has no mental disorder...aside from having been friends with me all this time and then not realizing that it isn't normal for her to act this way.

Now, it pretty much pisses me off that she would ask me to bring her breakfast like nothing is wrong, act like everything is cool and then continue to act the same as she had before.

Indian Summer

you can't be close friends with the opposite sex, unless you're sleeping with them. It just doesn't work in the long run. You can have acquaintances, but not the kind of closeness your talking about.

Yellow Ledbelly

Neither of us have acted any differently recently as far as to give the impression there are some other kind of feelings going one. I can't imagine that she would think I have something more on my mind all of a sudden and I can't imagine that she has suddenly decided I am the guy for her....anything is possible, but I just don't see it.
Although I have never been able to turn her into a PJ fan, she loves "Betterman"...so much so that when we were watching the Bonnaroo dvd last weekend she said repeatedly how much she loves that song, to a point where it seemed like the lyrics really hit home with her...so possibly she is unhappy in her marriage again? There again, the previous issues with the marriage were always open season for our discussions and I often found myself reluctantly in the middle of their problems

Yellow Ledbelly

Indian Summer wrote:

you can't be close friends with the opposite sex, unless you're sleeping with them. It just doesn't work in the long run. You can have acquaintances, but not the kind of closeness your talking about.

Not necessarily so because my oldest friend is also a female...friends since fourth grade and we have never had a single problem. I am her child's godfather, I have visited her and her husband and stayed five days and she and I have even gone to a Rolling Stones concert together while the husband stayed at the house.

And, no, I am not gay. I just happen to be lucky enough to be great friends with two wonderful ladies

mfc2006

Yellow Ledbelly wrote:

MFC: Thing is that she has been married for three years and that has been rough at times and there was a time when when thing weren't so good with them that I became somewhat of a target for accusations. In the beginning it seemed like we would be a perfect couple, but I held back for a number of reasons, even though I think we certainly would have gotten together.

ok---either you didn't mention it or i misread your original post. maybe that's why she's hot-and-cold then. maybe her husband is bothered by how close the two of you are, so she is somewhat flighty & keeping her distance at times?

Yellow Ledbelly

mfc2006 wrote:

Yellow Ledbelly wrote:

MFC: Thing is that she has been married for three years and that has been rough at times and there was a time when when thing weren't so good with them that I became somewhat of a target for accusations. In the beginning it seemed like we would be a perfect couple, but I held back for a number of reasons, even though I think we certainly would have gotten together.

ok---either you didn't mention it or i misread your original post. maybe that's why she's hot-and-cold then. maybe her husband is bothered by how close the two of you are, so she is somewhat flighty & keeping her distance at times?

I did fail to mention that originally. Possibly it is and she doesn't want to tell me because she doesn't want me to be mad at him. He's a good guy and I like him a lot, but we can't really be friends because we have absolutely nothing in common except for her. We are certainly cordial and "buddies" though. He works out of town for two weeks on and two off by the way, but he definitely knows that we spend time together while he is gone. We don't so much when he is home and that is fine because they should spend as much time together as possible, but even when he is home she comes by the office on an almost daily basis and he is certailny aware of that as well.
I must say also that I have always be a bridge between the two of them when they have had problems, trying to make her see how he might have been feeling while also supporting her point of view. There's always to sides to every story, but she doesn't see it when it comes to me when she ignores me like this

sweet adeline

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFWGOKuFyjk

mfc2006

well, that's my best guess. maybe they just need space to work out their differences. if she comes to you, great. if not, just be a friend & let her know that you're available if she needs you. it sounds like a slippery situation, though. if she confides in you as her friend, that's good. but you may need to step back a bit in order for this to run its course.

i'm not saying that it's unusual to hang out with one of your best friends that much---it's just that when it's a friend of the opposite sex & that friend is married, it can get really tricky.

soulsinging

You're clearly in love with her. Nobody gets that wound up about having to go 2-3 days without a deep conversation with someone that's just a friend. It sounds like you spend more time with her than her husband does... she was with you her entire weekend and now you're acting like she's blown you off because for 2 days she was busy at work? She has a husband you know... he gets some time too. You're completely overreacting, and I rather suspect it's because you have feelings for her. I've been in that position... denying that I wanted a girl and swearing we were just friends, but acting like a lovesick, needy fool.

sweet adeline

soulsinging wrote:

You're clearly in love with her. Nobody gets that wound up about having to go 2-3 days without a deep conversation with someone that's just a friend. It sounds like you spend more time with her than her husband does... she was with you her entire weekend and now you're acting like she's blown you off because for 2 days she was busy at work? She has a husband you know... he gets some time too. You're completely overreacting, and I rather suspect it's because you have feelings for her. I've been in that position... denying that I wanted a girl and swearing we were just friends, but acting like a lovesick, needy fool.

true dat.

AllNiteThing

soulsinging wrote:

You're clearly in love with her. Nobody gets that wound up about having to go 2-3 days without a deep conversation with someone that's just a friend. It sounds like you spend more time with her than her husband does... she was with you her entire weekend and now you're acting like she's blown you off because for 2 days she was busy at work? She has a husband you know... he gets some time too. You're completely overreacting, and I rather suspect it's because you have feelings for her. I've been in that position... denying that I wanted a girl and swearing we were just friends, but acting like a lovesick, needy fool.

Ditto.

Who Princess

I was also thinking that you were pretty upset just about a friend ignoring you for a few days. I think you have a lot more at stake here.

AmentsChick

AllNiteThing wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

You're clearly in love with her. Nobody gets that wound up about having to go 2-3 days without a deep conversation with someone that's just a friend. It sounds like you spend more time with her than her husband does... she was with you her entire weekend and now you're acting like she's blown you off because for 2 days she was busy at work? She has a husband you know... he gets some time too. You're completely overreacting, and I rather suspect it's because you have feelings for her. I've been in that position... denying that I wanted a girl and swearing we were just friends, but acting like a lovesick, needy fool.

Ditto.

It's ok...I'm still your friend...despite your acting like a lovesick, needy fool. :P

Yellow Ledbelly

AmentsChick wrote:

AllNiteThing wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

You're clearly in love with her. Nobody gets that wound up about having to go 2-3 days without a deep conversation with someone that's just a friend. It sounds like you spend more time with her than her husband does... she was with you her entire weekend and now you're acting like she's blown you off because for 2 days she was busy at work? She has a husband you know... he gets some time too. You're completely overreacting, and I rather suspect it's because you have feelings for her. I've been in that position... denying that I wanted a girl and swearing we were just friends, but acting like a lovesick, needy fool.

Ditto.

It's ok...I'm still your friend...despite your acting like a lovesick, needy fool. :P

Well thanks for that! I do realize I over-react to it sometimes and I try not to but it seems unnecessary to ignore somebody. My week at work has been as bad as any she has ever had this week too and two of the boys in particular call me a minimum of two or three times every day and I always answer.

SoulSinging -- though he is probably being a bit harsh on me beause of our disagreement on KoL -- may not be totally wrong...maybe I do have more feelings for her and think I missed out on my chance and I have thought about just what my true feelings are quite a bit. I do know that there was no way in hell I would have sought a relationship with her at the time we met and I made a conscious decision not to do so.
I do kinda act like a baby, but its hard for me to understand because I have never had a friend who would shun me for days on end and I never do it to any of mine, even people I don't really like that much. She can do that and sees no problem with it and I am just not made up that way I guess....that's one of the few ways in which we differ I guess.

Yellow Ledbelly

mfc2006 wrote:

well, that's my best guess. maybe they just need space to work out their differences. if she comes to you, great. if not, just be a friend & let her know that you're available if she needs you. it sounds like a slippery situation, though. if she confides in you as her friend, that's good. but you may need to step back a bit in order for this to run its course.

i'm not saying that it's unusual to hang out with one of your best friends that much---it's just that when it's a friend of the opposite sex & that friend is married, it can get really tricky.

You are correct

soulsinging

Yellow Ledbelly wrote:

Well thanks for that! I do realize I over-react to it sometimes and I try not to but it seems unnecessary to ignore somebody. My week at work has been as bad as any she has ever had this week too and two of the boys in particular call me a minimum of two or three times every day and I always answer.

SoulSinging -- though he is probably being a bit harsh on me beause of our disagreement on KoL -- may not be totally wrong...maybe I do have more feelings for her and think I missed out on my chance and I have thought about just what my true feelings are quite a bit. I do know that there was no way in hell I would have sought a relationship with her at the time we met and I made a conscious decision not to do so.
I do kinda act like a baby, but its hard for me to understand because I have never had a friend who would shun me for days on end and I never do it to any of mine, even people I don't really like that much. She can do that and sees no problem with it and I am just not made up that way I guess....that's one of the few ways in which we differ I guess.

Nah, I'm harsh with everybody when it comes to matters of the heart!

I assume by "the boys" you mean friends of yours? You talk to the same people more than once a day? If that's the case, then you're definitely overreacting. That's a lot of time on the phone. This was at most 3 days she went without a long conversation with you. Maybe you're used to more, but there's nothing abnormal about that and it sure as hell doesn't qualify as her "shunning" you. If that was true, then I don't have a single friend in the world and I "shun" all of them. I haven't spoken to my best friend in months because I lost his phone number and haven't gotten around to dropping in on him. It doesn't mean I'm shunning or ignoring, I've just been busy. Same for her... 3 days of her RESPONDING to your incessant calling and texting to tell you she's busy and will get back to you is not ignoring or shunning you. Constantly asking if she's mad at you 1) probably annoys her and 2) is classic infatuated behavior. She's probably either 1) busy and will get back to you if you relax or 2) picked up on the fact that you're acting like an insecure/codependent boyfriend and is trying to keep her distance. In either case, bugging her about it is not going to help.

Yellow Ledbelly

soulsinging wrote:

Yellow Ledbelly wrote:

Well thanks for that! I do realize I over-react to it sometimes and I try not to but it seems unnecessary to ignore somebody. My week at work has been as bad as any she has ever had this week too and two of the boys in particular call me a minimum of two or three times every day and I always answer.

SoulSinging -- though he is probably being a bit harsh on me beause of our disagreement on KoL -- may not be totally wrong...maybe I do have more feelings for her and think I missed out on my chance and I have thought about just what my true feelings are quite a bit. I do know that there was no way in hell I would have sought a relationship with her at the time we met and I made a conscious decision not to do so.
I do kinda act like a baby, but its hard for me to understand because I have never had a friend who would shun me for days on end and I never do it to any of mine, even people I don't really like that much. She can do that and sees no problem with it and I am just not made up that way I guess....that's one of the few ways in which we differ I guess.

Nah, I'm harsh with everybody when it comes to matters of the heart!

I assume by "the boys" you mean friends of yours? You talk to the same people more than once a day? If that's the case, then you're definitely overreacting. That's a lot of time on the phone. This was at most 3 days she went without a long conversation with you. Maybe you're used to more, but there's nothing abnormal about that and it sure as hell doesn't qualify as her "shunning" you. If that was true, then I don't have a single friend in the world and I "shun" all of them. I haven't spoken to my best friend in months because I lost his phone number and haven't gotten around to dropping in on him. It doesn't mean I'm shunning or ignoring, I've just been busy. Same for her... 3 days of her RESPONDING to your incessant calling and texting to tell you she's busy and will get back to you is not ignoring or shunning you. Constantly asking if she's mad at you 1) probably annoys her and 2) is classic infatuated behavior. She's probably either 1) busy and will get back to you if you relax or 2) picked up on the fact that you're acting like an insecure/codependent boyfriend and is trying to keep her distance. In either case, bugging her about it is not going to help.

Yeah, you are about right and I was just joshing you about the KoL thing. I realize I am silly sometimes.
By the boys I do mean friends, but those two generally just call with random thoughts or funny stories. One of them is a bigger gossip than any old woman at the beauty shop. He always says "So you heard any news?"

soulsinging

Yellow Ledbelly wrote:

Yeah, you are about right and I was just joshing you about the KoL thing. I realize I am silly sometimes.
By the boys I do mean friends, but those two generally just call with random thoughts or funny stories. One of them is a bigger gossip than any old woman at the beauty shop. He always says "So you heard any news?"

I hope you're as supportive of him when he comes out as you are of her when she's having bad days at work

Yellow Ledbelly

soulsinging wrote:

Yellow Ledbelly wrote:

Yeah, you are about right and I was just joshing you about the KoL thing. I realize I am silly sometimes.
By the boys I do mean friends, but those two generally just call with random thoughts or funny stories. One of them is a bigger gossip than any old woman at the beauty shop. He always says "So you heard any news?"

I hope you're as supportive of him when he comes out as you are of her when she's having bad days at work

Funny you should say that, because his best friend from childhood was quite obviously a flaming homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that) and he refused to admit it even though everybody in the world knew it was so. The friend married a beautiful girl and after eight years of marriage he left her for a man.
Then and only then would he admit it....he caught major hell for being in denial all those years

Heineken Helen

sorry, I didn't get from your initial post that you're male and she's married. Changes everything... not mainly cos you're male.. but cos she's married! She has marriage commitments that come before you. I don't normally hear from any married friends for a couple of weeks. You can't expect a married friend (male or female) to be as attentive to you as a single friend.

vmfury

Indian Summer wrote:

you can't be close friends with the opposite sex, unless you're sleeping with them. It just doesn't work in the long run. You can have acquaintances, but not the kind of closeness your talking about.

Once upon a time, I disagreed with this ^. Now, I could not agree more. My boyfriend is my best friend and I leave it at that.

Yellow Ledbelly...your friend is married. MAJOR no, no. In my opinion, the two of you are closer than you should be given the fact that she is married. It sounds to me that maybe you feel a little more than you should for her or you would not be so consumed with why she isn't speaking with you much right now. Unless you are equally close with her husband and all of you hang out together, this friendship of yours has catastrophe written all over it. You need to go out and find another girl that you can spend one on one time with who is not committed to someone else.

_

Sounds like a normal friendship to me, except for the part where you're so needy. I have a friend who is sometimes needy like that and it bugs the shit out of me - particularly when he gets upset with me when he thinks I'm blowing him off, and especially because I'm pretty sure he only gets so hurt with me because he likes me (which I know because he's asked me out before). I can't imagine him acting the same way toward his guy friends.

People get busy/stressed/whatever. Sounds like she already gives you more attention than most any married female friend with a stressful job would. Just be happy for that. Also, you can't hardly blame her for accepting when you offered to bring her breakfast, especially if she's been busy at work. Everyone's gotta eat!

Sounds like you have a pretty solid friendship, though, so you must be a great guy! You can bring me breakfast if you want (although I can't promise I'll return your calls afterward).

Thoughts_Arrive

Off he goes/she goes...

Indian Summer

vmfury wrote:

Indian Summer wrote:

you can't be close friends with the opposite sex, unless you're sleeping with them. It just doesn't work in the long run. You can have acquaintances, but not the kind of closeness your talking about.

Once upon a time, I disagreed with this ^. Now, I could not agree more. My boyfriend is my best friend and I leave it at that.

Yeah, it took me a while to realize this, but the older I got the more true it became.