Advice Needed: Helping Your Teen Cope with Loss of Friend

IamMine · February 2009

Hi,

Our 15 years old son recently lost his best friend, Sam, to a snowmobile accident last Saturday night.

He was staying at another friend’s house when he got the news of Sam’s death from Sam's girlfriend and he was brought home at 2am. He took it pretty hard.

Tyler had talked to Sam that day and he wanted Tyler to come over but he had other plans.

It made the news: http://www.myfoxdetroit.com/dpp/news/lo ... g_Accident

Sam was a good kid and always came over here to skateboard and sometimes playing music with Tyler on their guitars.

Sam’s mother requested Tyler to pick out a few songs and a few words for Sam’s eulogy this week. Sam’s brother, who is about a year or two older, wants to give Tyler Sam’s guitar.

It has been really difficult for Tyler, on top of dealing with changes taking place at home – he is very aware of the possibility of losing our house and his father’s layoff.

To be honest, I am not sure exactly how to deal with this to make sure Tyler is okay and what to watch out for, and how to deal with it. I hugged him a lot...

I am not sure if I did the right thing by encouraging him to go to school today. Sam sat next to him in English class and attends two other classes together. I wanted him to be around his friends for comfort.

Has anyone experienced with this (I hope not)…as a parent or a friend?

I don’t want to smother Tyler too much by worrying too much about him. I feel so horrible for Sam’s parents and brother.

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare…

soulsinging · February 2009

Two of my brother's old bandmates hung themselves within a month of each other when he was in college. They were my friends too. I don't remember doing anything about it and I don't know what my brother did. Like you said, him spending time with friends will help. So will just plain time. I don't think there's much else you can do, outside of asking if he wants to talk to someone about it. There are grief counselors, shrinks, probably somebody at the school that will be going around and talking to people, clergy (if he's religious). Don't push the issue, he'll talk when he's ready. And if he does, listen, don't offer advice unless he asks.

IamMine · February 2009

Thank you, soulsinging, for sharing your experience and suggestions.

I'd appreciate it if you removed the first statement.

Thanks.

Heineken Helen · February 2009

Oh please keep a close eye on him... I don't want to flood you with horror stories but boys can be more inclined to bottle these things up rather than talk about it. if he wants to sleep in with you let him, if he wants to talk or cry let him. I suggest you get him counselling as soon as possible and talk about how he can honour his friends life by playing his guitars or talking about him.

soulsinging · February 2009

IamMine wrote:

Thank you, soulsinging, for sharing your experience and suggestions.

I'd appreciate it if you removed the first statement.

Thanks.

You got it. Just keep it in mind. It's a difficult line between suffocating and isolating him. In one sense, he needs to learn within himself how to cope with grief. On the other hand, he also needs to know he can count on you to be there and not judge him when he needs to lean. That's why the most important thing is to keep an eye on him, if he seems upset you can feel him out. But don't push him to talk if he is unwilling, at least not yet. Guys process things differently and he will talk when he's ready, as long as he knows he has an open ear.

Good luck to you all.

IamMine · February 2009

Heineken Helen wrote:

Oh please keep a close eye on him... I don't want to flood you with horror stories but boys can be more inclined to bottle these things up rather than talk about it. if he wants to sleep in with you let him, if he wants to talk or cry let him. I suggest you get him counselling as soon as possible and talk about how he can honour his friends life by playing his guitars or talking about him.

I have emailed his counselor at school and I have told him that if there was anything he needed - like talking to other people at other places, I'd be more than happy to drive him over to talk to them.

He was on emotion roller coast yesterday, crying or just in daze. But he talked to his friends over the phone, so I think that helps.

Thanks for your suggestion, HH.

I thought about that last night but didn't want to push him. I thought it was better that his friends do that at school and then I'd ask him when he gets home today.

IamMine · February 2009

soulsinging wrote:

IamMine wrote:

Thank you, soulsinging, for sharing your experience and suggestions.

I'd appreciate it if you removed the first statement.

Thanks.

You got it. Just keep it in mind. It's a difficult line between suffocating and isolating him. In one sense, he needs to learn within himself how to cope with grief. On the other hand, he also needs to know he can count on you to be there and not judge him when he needs to lean. That's why the most important thing is to keep an eye on him, if he seems upset you can feel him out. But don't push him to talk if he is unwilling, at least not yet. Guys process things differently and he will talk when he's ready, as long as he knows he has an open ear.

Good luck to you all.

Thanks for that...I appreciate that. We haven't pushed him to talk at all, but let him know that we are there for him.

It's hard to watch him going through this, but yes it's important that he learns to cope with grief and not harming himself in the process - whether it is unintentionally or intentionally.

Thanks again!

Heineken Helen · February 2009

IamMine wrote:

I have emailed his counselor at school and I have told him that if there was anything he needed - like talking to other people at other places, I'd be more than happy to drive him over to talk to them.

He was on emotion roller coast yesterday, crying or just in daze. But he talked to his friends over the phone, so I think that helps.

Thanks for your suggestion, HH. I thought about that last night but didn't want to push him. I thought it was better that his friends do that at school and then I'd ask him when he gets home today.

No probs... just make a point of letting him know how much you love him and how important he is to you. Maybe encourage him to invite friends over or go visit some... he will probably open up more to them. Don't smother him but don't let him be alone TOO much with his thoughts either. Teenagers can be so dramatic at times. Maybe give him stuff to do that takes his mind off it temporarily. Also I know a bit about your situation but I don't think it's good that he should have to worry about it. It's good that he's prepared but remind him that everything is going to be ok and mom and dad are on top of it. Kids see their parents as almost superheroes and need to know that they will sort out any problem. That's a comfort that we even bring into adulthood with us :oops:

IamMine · February 2009

Heineken Helen wrote:

No probs... just make a point of letting him know how much you love him and how important he is to you. Maybe encourage him to invite friends over or go visit some... he will probably open up more to them. Don't smother him but don't let him be alone TOO much with his thoughts either. Teenagers can be so dramatic at times. Maybe give him stuff to do that takes his mind off it temporarily. Also I know a bit about your situation but I don't think it's good that he should have to worry about it. It's good that he's prepared but remind him that everything is going to be ok and mom and dad are on top of it. Kids see their parents as almost superheroes and need to know that they will sort out any problem. That's a comfort that we even bring into adulthood with us :oops:

Right, HH. We have told all the kids that things will be O.K. This had been going on since last fall when it became obvious to the kids that things were changing. We have repeatedly told the kids that it's NOT their jobs to worry about those things and they need to be kids. It took a while to convince them, but they understand that we WILL take care of them and they do not need to worry about these things.

It just scared them hearing stories from the media where parents hurt their children or each other in situations like this.

PureandEasy · February 2009

Oh Mel, I'm so sorry about this. I lost a friend when I was fairly young (early 20's) and it's very difficult to deal with. There was a lot of anger and a lot of crying.

I don't really have any advice, other than just watch him closely. As his mother, you know him better than anyone and you will be able to see what his needs are.

Take care. Sorry to hear your other problems as well. I'll keep you all in my thoughts.

Heineken Helen · February 2009

IamMine wrote:

Right, HH. We have told all the kids that things will be O.K. This had been going on since last fall when it became obvious to the kids that things were changing. We have repeatedly told the kids that it's NOT their jobs to worry about those things and they need to be kids. It took a while to convince them, but they understand that we WILL take care of them and they do not need to worry about these things.

It just scared them hearing stories from the media where parents hurt their children or each other in situations like this.

that's cool... sorry, I didn't mean to lecture and I'm sure you're doing a fine job

I just wanted to clarify what you said in your first post.

Anyway, I'm really sorry to hear all this and I hope he comes through all of this ok :oops:

IamMine · February 2009

Heineken Helen wrote:

IamMine wrote:

Right, HH. We have told all the kids that things will be O.K. This had been going on since last fall when it became obvious to the kids that things were changing. We have repeatedly told the kids that it's NOT their jobs to worry about those things and they need to be kids. It took a while to convince them, but they understand that we WILL take care of them and they do not need to worry about these things.

It just scared them hearing stories from the media where parents hurt their children or each other in situations like this.

that's cool... sorry, I didn't mean to lecture and I'm sure you're doing a fine job I just wanted to clarify what you said in your first post.

Anyway, I'm really sorry to hear all this and I hope he comes through all of this ok :oops:

I didn't feel that you were lecturing me at all, HH. I appreciate the inputs and it helps putting things into perceptive. There are times when I am unsure of how I am doing as a parent - am I doing not enough or making mistakes...

Yeah, times are tough for a lot of people but we remind ourselves that we are very fortunate that we have a wonderful system of support - our marriage consists of a great friendship and we are there for each other. The kids do see that... especially now because a lot of their friends' parents are going through either a divorce or fighting each other during difficult times.

Regardless of how things will turn out, we will be fine.

Thanks so much for reading (listening) and offering your support and suggestions/tips! I really appreciate that very much - considering I don't come here as often as I used to.

IamMine · February 2009

Heineken Helen wrote:

Anyway, I'm really sorry to hear all this and I hope he comes through all of this ok :oops:

Me too!

Heineken Helen · February 2009

IamMine wrote:

I didn't feel that you were lecturing me at all, HH. I appreciate the inputs and it helps putting things into perceptive. There are times when I am unsure of how I am doing as a parent - am I doing not enough or making mistakes...

Yeah, times are tough for a lot of people but we remind ourselves that we are very fortunate that we have a wonderful system of support - our marriage consists of a great friendship and we are there for each other. The kids do see that... especially now because a lot of their friends' parents are going through either a divorce or fighting each other during difficult times.

Regardless of how things will turn out, we will be fine.

Thanks so much for reading (listening) and offering your support and suggestions/tips! I really appreciate that very much - considering I don't come here as often as I used to.

I just have to be careful... cos there are a few people who are supersensitive and really don't want an opinion when they ask for it... I know you're not one of them though so I should have known better

It sounds like you two are on top of it then... glad your kids are in a family with a happy marriage... it's almost rare these days :oops: . Once you can make the best of what you have... well that's the main thing and I wish you all the best

since I've no more advice at the mo... but I'm betting you'll get plenty of help and advice from others.

IamMine · February 2009

PureandEasy wrote:

Oh Mel, I'm so sorry about this. I lost a friend when I was fairly young (early 20's) and it's very difficult to deal with. There was a lot of anger and a lot of crying.

I don't really have any advice, other than just watch him closely. As his mother, you know him better than anyone and you will be able to see what his needs are.

Take care. Sorry to hear your other problems as well. I'll keep you all in my thoughts.

Hi there - missed your post up there, oops! I'm running around like a headless chicken today.

I have seen a little of his anger already this morning...but I expected that, considering he didn't sleep well last night. I didn't realize until you pointed out that anger is also part of the grief process because I am sensitive and so is Tyler.

So if he gets angry again and snaps at me like he did this morning, I'll need to be prepared for that and not to take it personally and be more understanding.

You know how Capricorns are.

We do not take harsh criticisms very well.

Thanks, Marsha.

((hugs))

IamMine · February 2009

Heineken Helen wrote:

I just have to be careful... cos there are a few people who are supersensitive and really don't want an opinion when they ask for it... I know you're not one of them though so I should have known better

It sounds like you two are on top of it then... glad your kids are in a family with a happy marriage... it's almost rare these days :oops: . Once you can make the best of what you have... well that's the main thing and I wish you all the best since I've no more advice at the mo... but I'm betting you'll get plenty of help and advice from others.

I completely understand what you mean. I am sensitive, too...but I am also open to what others have to say.

I also knew you here on the board for a long time and knew what kind of a person you are.

Yes, that's definitely it - make the best of what you have!

Nah, we are not getting a lot of help... we've pretty much been on our own but we know that there are help out there that we can seek for.

That's why I came here... it's easier to get inputs from people OUTSIDE, not the inside. You know? I don't mean "easier"... but more like seeing from outside? And also from the PJ community that I was comfortable with.

Heineken Helen · February 2009

IamMine wrote:

Heineken Helen wrote:

I just have to be careful... cos there are a few people who are supersensitive and really don't want an opinion when they ask for it... I know you're not one of them though so I should have known better

It sounds like you two are on top of it then... glad your kids are in a family with a happy marriage... it's almost rare these days :oops: . Once you can make the best of what you have... well that's the main thing and I wish you all the best since I've no more advice at the mo... but I'm betting you'll get plenty of help and advice from others.

I completely understand what you mean. I am sensitive, too...but I am also open to what others have to say.

I also knew you here on the board for a long time and knew what kind of a person you are.

Yes, that's definitely it - make the best of what you have!

Nah, we are not getting a lot of help... we've pretty much been on our own but we know that there are help out there that we can seek for.

That's why I came here... it's easier to get inputs from people OUTSIDE, not the inside. You know? I don't mean "easier"... but more like seeing from outside? And also from the PJ community that I was comfortable with.

oooh sorry, I meant you'd get help and advice here. I know what ya mean though... sometimes people just see something so obvious that you can't see when you're IN the situation... it's definitely a help.

Arcticangel · February 2009

One of my close friends died in a car accident when I was 15. My parents didn't handle it well..so I can speak for their mistakes.
-- Take the time to take your child to the funeral. Yes, you may have to take off from work and it may be rather inconvenient...but it's necessary.
-- Give them time to mourn privately. You knew the kid - but you weren't their friend.
-- Let them talk about it when they're ready - don't force the issue assuming that they just need to talk about it and get it out. Some things need to fester inside for a while.
-- Don't constantly remind them that it's going to "get better." Yes, it will, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it right now - you think you're going to hurt forever. You cannot realistically see anything other than missing this person and feeling sad forever.
-- Be sensitive to things that might be a "trigger". Even the strangest things made me (and still make me) rememeber Sarah.
-- In good time, help your child think of a way to honor their friend.
-- I had nightmares for weeks after Sarah's death - so...I don't know...just kind of watch out for that I suppose.
-- I'm sure you have lost a friend or family member at some point in your life - just because your child is, well, a child, doesn't mean that they feel any different than you did. Think about how you felt.

redrock · February 2009

IamMine wrote:

I didn't realize until you pointed out that anger is also part of the grief process .....

....I'll need to be prepared for that

I'm so sorry for your son - it is so tough losing a friend.

There is plenty of advice here on how to deal with your son's grief and his pain, but the above makes me think that YOU (and hubby?) may find it useful to speak to a grief counsellor to have a better idea of what reactions you can expect from your son and how to prepare yourself for these?

Sian-of-the-dead · February 2009

I know it's not quite the same but when I was 16 my older brother lost his best friend to a car accident. He was also mine and my twin brother's friend but he'd been so close to my older brother for so long that he too, took it really really hard.

I remember my parents telling him about the accident and his friend passing instantly. My brother locked himself in his room and sobbed uncontrollably for hours :( My older brother is only 14 months older than myself so we were at college together when it happened, the atmosphere was horrific - 5 lads from our college, 4 of which were friends of my brother, all died in that accident.

I remember my parents just being there for my brothers and myself. They dealt with our tempers (particularly my older brother - he became very angry) and listened to anything we had to say. My twin brother wasn't at college with us so in that respect it was harder for him; he had no one to grieve with.

My older brother was asked to carry his friend's coffin at the funeral. He'd never done anything like that before so it was insanely daunting for him. I remember my Dad talking to him at length about his experiences of carrying his own brothers coffin and giving my brother advice... I could see that it wasn't easy for my parents either. All of our family took time out for the funeral. My Dad had a very important teaching job at the time but there wasn't a single day that he or my mum, were too busy to listen or be there for us.
When my brother carried the coffin, as he walked past my Dad he was sobbing. My Dad just put his hand on my brother's shoulder and reassured him as he walked past, whispering words of strength to his son.

I'll never forget how supportive my parents were during that very difficult time. I know that to a certain extent they had to glaze over their own heartache to be strong for their grieving children and i'll never forget that. I can honestly say that now, nearly 9 years later, I'm still very proud of the way my parents handled that situation. I also believe that it was the first time our parents saw and treated us as adults. They just let us know that they were there for us all.

Every year, no matter what, I take holiday at work and visit James' grave. My brother doesn't go himself as it's still too emotional but I go on our family's behalf and let our friend that know that we all love him and will never forget him.

My older brother is now 26 and still isn't over the early and sudden death of his friend and probably never will be... be prepared for that. Your son will feel the hurt for a long time. I guess what i'm trying to say is let him grieve. If he gets angry, don't get angry back, remember that he couldn't say goodbye and that will break his heart every single day for a while. Let him cry as much as he needs to and talk to him about his friend when he wants to; don't force it. When he does want to talk, help him remember the times he had with his friend and the reasons why they were friends without being overly positive - that's the last thing he wants to hear about now. Try to avoid the subject of the accident if you can, he won't want to remember his friend in a snow mobile crash. Lastly, any wishes he has, try to adhere to them - try to imagine how confused, hurt and lost you'd feel in the same situation - If he asks for space, give it to him. If he asks for a hug, don't hesitate. Be there for your son on his terms.

I'm very sorry for his loss, I sympathise incedibly and you're all in my thoughts.

~ Sian x

IamMine · February 2009

Arcticangel wrote:

One of my close friends died in a car accident when I was 15. My parents didn't handle it well..so I can speak for their mistakes.
-- Take the time to take your child to the funeral. Yes, you may have to take off from work and it may be rather inconvenient...but it's necessary.
-- Give them time to mourn privately. You knew the kid - but you weren't their friend.
-- Let them talk about it when they're ready - don't force the issue assuming that they just need to talk about it and get it out. Some things need to fester inside for a while.
-- Don't constantly remind them that it's going to "get better." Yes, it will, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it right now - you think you're going to hurt forever. You cannot realistically see anything other than missing this person and feeling sad forever.
-- Be sensitive to things that might be a "trigger". Even the strangest things made me (and still make me) rememeber Sarah.
-- In good time, help your child think of a way to honor their friend.
-- I had nightmares for weeks after Sarah's death - so...I don't know...just kind of watch out for that I suppose.
-- I'm sure you have lost a friend or family member at some point in your life - just because your child is, well, a child, doesn't mean that they feel any different than you did. Think about how you felt.

Thank you, Arcticangel - that means a lot, coming from someone who lost a friend at 15, the same age as our son.

Bobby and I already are prepared to take him to the viewing and the funeral on all three days this week.

Neither of us even said time would heal or that it would get better... we both knew better than that. Bobby lost his mother whom he was very close with three days before Christmas eight years ago. I lost my grandfather at age 11 and he was my hero, someone I loved so much. So thanks for pointing that out - remembering how we felt and what was said.

Thank you so much!

IamMine · February 2009

redrock wrote:

I'm so sorry for your son - it is so tough losing a friend.

There is plenty of advice here on how to deal with your son's grief and his pain, but the above makes me think that YOU (and hubby?) may find it useful to speak to a grief counsellor to have a better idea of what reactions you can expect from your son and how to prepare yourself for these?

Yes, hubby is at the school right now talking to the counselor and also checking on Tyler to make sure he's OK.

I'm sure the counselor will give him some referrals on who else to talk to about the grief process if he's unable to.

Thanks, redrock.

IamMine · February 2009

Sian-of-the-dead wrote:

I know it's not quite the same but when I was 16 my older brother lost his best friend to a car accident. He was also mine and my twin brother's friend but he'd been so close to my older brother for so long that he too, took it really really hard.

I remember my parents telling him about the accident and his friend passing instantly. My brother locked himself in his room and sobbed uncontrollably for hours :( My older brother is only 14 months older than myself so we were at college together when it happened, the atmosphere was horrific - 5 lads from our college, 4 of which were friends of my brother, all died in that accident.

I remember my parents just being there for my brothers and myself. They dealt with our tempers (particularly my older brother - he became very angry) and listened to anything we had to say. My twin brother wasn't at college with us so in that respect it was harder for him; he had no one to grieve with.

My older brother was asked to carry his friend's coffin at the funeral. He'd never done anything like that before so it was insanely daunting for him. I remember my Dad talking to him at length about his experiences of carrying his own brothers coffin and giving my brother advice... I could see that it wasn't easy for my parents either. All of our family took time out for the funeral. My Dad had a very important teaching job at the time but there wasn't a single day that he or my mum, were too busy to listen or be there for us.
When my brother carried the coffin, as he walked past my Dad he was sobbing. My Dad just put his hand on my brother's shoulder and reassured him as he walked past, whispering words of strength to his son.

I'll never forget how supportive my parents were during that very difficult time. I know that to a certain extent they had to glaze over their own heartache to be strong for their grieving children and i'll never forget that. I can honestly say that now, nearly 9 years later, I'm still very proud of the way my parents handled that situation. I also believe that it was the first time our parents saw and treated us as adults. They just let us know that they were there for us all.

Every year, no matter what, I take holiday at work and visit James' grave. My brother doesn't go himself as it's still too emotional but I go on our family's behalf and let our friend that know that we all love him and will never forget him.

My older brother is now 26 and still isn't over the early and sudden death of his friend and probably never will be... be prepared for that. Your son will feel the hurt for a long time. I guess what i'm trying to say is let him grieve. If he gets angry, don't get angry back, remember that he couldn't say goodbye and that will break his heart every single day for a while. Let him cry as much as he needs to and talk to him about his friend when he wants to; don't force it. When he does want to talk, help him remember the times he had with his friend and the reasons why they were friends without being overly positive - that's the last thing he wants to hear about now. Try to avoid the subject of the accident if you can, he won't want to remember his friend in a snow mobile crash. Lastly, any wishes he has, try to adhere to them - try to imagine how confused, hurt and lost you'd feel in the same situation - If he asks for space, give it to him. If he asks for a hug, don't hesitate. Be there for your son on his terms.

I'm very sorry for his loss, I sympathise incedibly and you're all in my thoughts.

~ Sian x

Wow, Sian. :(

You have great parents and a wonderful support system. I am so sorry about your brother and everyone else affected about it.

It made me think of our younger son - he does hang out with Tyler sometimes when Sam was around.

I told hubby that we had to watch out for him too....just because Sam wasn't really his friend, he was affected by it too.

He was asking me yesterday to look up the pattern of depression so that he could watch his older brother. He's 12. He is concerned about his brother and has been staying out of his space, but last night he was waiting for him to go to bed from another room and when he saw Tyler getting in the room, he followed and went to bed.

Thanks for sharing, Sian and I will take what you said to heart and remember when the time comes.

PureandEasy · February 2009

These stories are making me cry.

The one thing is true, he will never completely get over it. It’s hard for someone so young to accept death.

I know my friend who died, the anniversary of his death was just last week and I cried all over again, as I do every year and it has been over 20 years. The pain of his early death still haunts me.

I’ll never forget him. But I do remember the good times. And I think of him often.

I’m sure the school counselor will offer Bobby some good advice on how to deal with it all.

It's so sad.

PJaddicted · February 2009

Mel....I am so sorry to hear the tragic news. I belong to another forum and one of the women on there just lost her cousin to a snowmobile accident two days ago, I come on here....and there's your story too! Just a horrible thing for you to deal with besides your home issues. I am sorry about them too.

When I was 17 my Boyfriends best friend died at a Grateful Dead concert, I had to be the one to tell my BF because he was away at college. It was a very difficult time for our group of friends, but I remember we all comforted each other, being with friends who are all going through the death is important. I didn't have a close relationship with my parents at that time in my life. As a mother I'd say be there for him to talk to, cry on, but let him lead the way, unless you think he is not grieving in a normal way, then I'd get him in to counseling. My brother lost his best friend when he was 15, I didn't live at home then, but was there when my parents told him. He had just left the friend at the mall, and the friend went one way home and my brother the other, the friend ran across the street and was struck by two cars and killed. It was a horrific time for my brother, and it started his lifelong struggle with drugs that continues to this day. Maybe it was just the first excuse he had to do them to deaden his pain....but he also had a horrible relationship with our parents. So be there for your baby.

My heart goes out to you, hugs to you and your family.

gobrowns19 · February 2009

I am very sorry for your friends loss. I can't really give much advice, but someone I played football with in high school was killed in a car crash when I was around the same age. I wasn't really friends with him, but I knew him and it still felt weird.

The two things that bothered me most were people skipping school to see his funeral when they didn't know him at all, [this one recieved a lot of attention in the media], and while you won't be able to help with that, you can help with the next thing.

I believe I was 15 or 16 at this age and just about ready to start driving. Please don't take this time to give your son advice on safe driving, using this unfortunate accident as a real life example. That seems the opposite of what you would want to do, but I still feel a little pissed inside thinking about when I heard my parents say that. It makes your last memory of the person out to be careless, and that's now how I or anyone else would want to be remembered, let alone remember someone else.

I don't know, I guess just take that into consideration.

IamMine · February 2009

I'm sorry Marsha and PJAddicted for the painful memories... you are right, it will stick with one for the rest of his/her life.

Bobby was just saying that he still remembers and thinks of two young girls when he was a teenager that got killed in car accidents. He was just thinking of them last month for no reason.

gobrowns19 - I agree with your assessment on not using this situation for driving safety.

This wasn't the first time an unfortunate situation occurred where safety was compromised. Tyler was driving the tractor when his brother ran after him and got his leg and foot ripped under the tractor.

Not long after that, we had Tyler driving it again not to be afraid and that he was not to blamed for it. We however made sure that no one was running around when the tractor was in use by someone.

I agree that it is unfair to use someone's death as an example but only to point out the importance of safety when driving or operating a machinery. Not an excuse to NOT to drive one for one's fears.

Bobby just returned from the school - he said Tyler was glad to see him. He seemed better after walking around with his dad.

Tyler showed him Sam's locker, not far from his locker.

There was a skylight and Bobby said that the beam from the sun hit Sam's locker, the only locker receiving the direct light, and it was beaming all over the lockers. He said it was beautiful.

There were three large banners with kids signing them on the wall.

The counselor told him he was impressed with how we were handling this and would keep us informed if there were any changes in his behavior in school and would counsel Tyler if needed.

Tyler and his dad will go over Sam's house to see the mother after school to have some privacy before the viewing and the funeral - this is what Tyler wants, by the way.

gobrowns19 - about everyone attending the funeral by skipping the funeral for someone they didn't know.... sigh. that is not cool at all. It's inevitable, I think. There will be a lot of kids attending the funeral, according to Tyler.

Thanks for sharing stories and giving me the tips and suggestions. We will do our best to give Tyler the emotional support he needs and anything else...

((hugs))

Advice Needed: Helping Your Teen Cope with Loss of Friend

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