tattle tale I am not
CHANGEinWAVES
Posts: 10,169
When I sat there across the table... she said to me "So Brandi, what are you doing with yourself?"
the table then looked up at me, all 10 faces looking to me for an answer. Some knew... some had just seen me that day for the first time since I was a child. My parents on either side of me looked to me with the same expression wondering what it is I would reveal. What would I say, am I the victim, the sad wife who's husband kept a world of lies from. The woman who's husband chose another woman, who's husband chose drugs... the woman who's husband didn't chose her. Was I that woman... I'd like to think not.
My response was short, and implied nothing on his part. I didn't even mention the divorce openly. Mainly focusing on my new goals. I looked to the faces and knew that wasn't what they wanted to hear, but I am not a tattle tail, nor a gossip. His wrong doings were done to me, and not to be judged by those who knew us. He IS a good man, he just made bad choices. I will not toss him to the wolves of that town only to be torn apart and dismembered. How can he rebuild with his choices following him so closely. I once loved him and still care for him... i can not do that.
Later that day, amongst the well wishers and family... she turned to me (she knew us both, grew up seeing our faces and playing in the streets) and told me I was a good wife, even if I was no longer his wife. She spoke of me protecting him... my response was "how could I not". I was never a personal person, but at those moments I learned what is personal and what is not. His choices and how they hurt me were personal, as were mine.
I walked over to the woman who asked the question earlier in the day, sat beside her and mentioned the divorce. She said she had heard a bit about it... and asked to know more. All that fell from my lips was, "There was issues," I didn't feel the need to disclose more. I don't need to be thought of as HIS victim... I am myself and I have made my choices... in those choices I had decided to ignore the signs that are all to apparent now. How can I make him the blame when I open my eyes and see a marriage takes two people... not one, and so does the demise of a marriage.
the table then looked up at me, all 10 faces looking to me for an answer. Some knew... some had just seen me that day for the first time since I was a child. My parents on either side of me looked to me with the same expression wondering what it is I would reveal. What would I say, am I the victim, the sad wife who's husband kept a world of lies from. The woman who's husband chose another woman, who's husband chose drugs... the woman who's husband didn't chose her. Was I that woman... I'd like to think not.
My response was short, and implied nothing on his part. I didn't even mention the divorce openly. Mainly focusing on my new goals. I looked to the faces and knew that wasn't what they wanted to hear, but I am not a tattle tail, nor a gossip. His wrong doings were done to me, and not to be judged by those who knew us. He IS a good man, he just made bad choices. I will not toss him to the wolves of that town only to be torn apart and dismembered. How can he rebuild with his choices following him so closely. I once loved him and still care for him... i can not do that.
Later that day, amongst the well wishers and family... she turned to me (she knew us both, grew up seeing our faces and playing in the streets) and told me I was a good wife, even if I was no longer his wife. She spoke of me protecting him... my response was "how could I not". I was never a personal person, but at those moments I learned what is personal and what is not. His choices and how they hurt me were personal, as were mine.
I walked over to the woman who asked the question earlier in the day, sat beside her and mentioned the divorce. She said she had heard a bit about it... and asked to know more. All that fell from my lips was, "There was issues," I didn't feel the need to disclose more. I don't need to be thought of as HIS victim... I am myself and I have made my choices... in those choices I had decided to ignore the signs that are all to apparent now. How can I make him the blame when I open my eyes and see a marriage takes two people... not one, and so does the demise of a marriage.
"I'm not present, I'm a drug that makes you dream"
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Just so you know, I admire your strength and integrity in these trying times of your life.
The phone buzzed, I ignored it for awhile distracting myself with a visitor. A visitor who knew me as me... not as his wife, that gave me courage and comfort. Finally, picking up the phone I read her reply... 'I heard and I'm sorry'. It was then I felt the pit in my stomach tighten. She 'heard'!? From who? From where? I had felt so isolated in the matter, but people were talking? My reply asked who from and so on.... her response put me at ease.
When I sent my final reply I mentioned why it had taken so long for me to tell her. What it came down to was I was embarrassed. Embarrassed of divorce, of my failed marriage of MY failure. There are days where I feel this just as I did in the beginning, though it's easier to overcome now.
I am able to withhold the cause, take control of the gossip... but I can not control the shame I often feel inside. The sheer embarrassment I feel when I utter the word divorce. I put my life on hold for a marriage, a marriage that ended and left me without a life of my own. As of this moment divorce defines me but I must not wallow in the definition for long. Each day offers me something new to adhere to myself, something new that makes me...me, not his wife.