A close friend's father passed away suddenly....

CHANGEinWAVES

he died in his sleep over night. It was totally unexpected and the whole family is in shock. I want to be there for her, and spent the whole day with them yesterday... though today they did the funeral arrangement so I let them be.

I have not experienced this ,my father in law passed but he had been suffering from prostate cancer so it was not sudden. I don't know what to say or what to do. I was at her house for over 12 hours yesterday... I felt like I was overstaying but when I asked if she wanted me to leave she said she'd just cry if I did.

what are some ways to be of comfort to her?

I also find myself fading in and out when I'm there because her father and mine were the same age and it makes me think about losing him.

I just wanna be there for her and her family since they have always been great to me, I just don't know what to do.

thanks in advance.

JordyWordy

well you're right to leave her alone for the arrangements anyway, no matter how good a friend you are people need time & space for that.

i guess you'll be able to relate some of your experience with her afterwards....some people just close up about this stuff. But if you can get her to do it, let her get some of it out her system, maybe will be good for both of you. comiserations to her. and to you. sudden passings can take some time to take full effect on people. you'll be needed in the long run, not just right now, so bear that in mind.

CHANGEinWAVES

JordyWordy wrote:

. you'll be needed in the long run, not just right now, so bear that in mind.

it's been 28 years I've known her, so I'm not going anywhere now.

thanks for the advice.

Austicman

Get her doing something. Even if its just going for a walk. There's probably an endless line of well wishers there and it can really get to you. She'll see them all at the funeral if they miss her at the house.

wolfbear

Having lost both of my parents suddenly, at different times, it's a fine line. I both appreciated company and at the same time wanted to be alone. Just go with what you feel and take clues from her. She's in shock. Whatever you do it will be appreciated very much. Just being there is great. There is no "right or wrong".

South of Seattle

I dealt with a similar thing with my Brother in-law. He passed away in his sleep and he was in his early 40's. It was definitely difficult. The best thing is to help her stay the course. My sis was vulnerable and basically got scammed out of money by his family during that time. So just be sure to make sure that her mind is right and you're there for her. :idea:

patrickredeyes

Your a good person being there for her. My thoughts and prayers are with you and her family.

Thorns2010

wolfbear wrote:

Having lost both of my parents suddenly, at different times, it's a fine line. I both appreciated company and at the same time wanted to be alone. Just go with what you feel and take clues from her. She's in shock. Whatever you do it will be appreciated very much. Just being there is great. There is no "right or wrong".

Very good advice. I lost my mom last April 25th. And the thing I wanted most from people was to be there and listen to me if I needed to talk.

I didn't expect anyone to say anything or do anything that would make me feel better, because honestly there is nothing that can be done. Just by being there you are doing what you should be. Obviously give her space when it's needed, but just showing you care should be good.

wolfbear

Thorns2010 wrote:

wolfbear wrote:

Having lost both of my parents suddenly, at different times, it's a fine line. I both appreciated company and at the same time wanted to be alone. Just go with what you feel and take clues from her. She's in shock. Whatever you do it will be appreciated very much. Just being there is great. There is no "right or wrong".

Very good advice. I lost my mom last April 25th. And the thing I wanted most from people was to be there and listen to me if I needed to talk.

I didn't expect anyone to say anything or do anything that would make me feel better, because honestly there is nothing that can be done. Just by being there you are doing what you should be. Obviously give her space when it's needed, but just showing you care should be good.

It was funny that when I thought I didn't want people there, it actually was comforting. It's just a very confusing time. That's why I said go with whatever you feel, but try not to be to intrusive.

LONGRD

Thorns2010 wrote:

wolfbear wrote:

Having lost both of my parents suddenly, at different times, it's a fine line. I both appreciated company and at the same time wanted to be alone. Just go with what you feel and take clues from her. She's in shock. Whatever you do it will be appreciated very much. Just being there is great. There is no "right or wrong".

Very good advice. I lost my mom last April 25th. And the thing I wanted most from people was to be there and listen to me if I needed to talk.

I didn't expect anyone to say anything or do anything that would make me feel better, because honestly there is nothing that can be done. Just by being there you are doing what you should be. Obviously give her space when it's needed, but just showing you care should be good.

Sorry to hear that Thorns. My mother means the world to me, I don't even know how I'll react when that day comes.

From my experiences, I usually give them space and catch up with them later. Not knowing too much about the person's parent or grandparent I often talk to them about how they were and the memories they had together.

CHANGEinWAVES

LongRd. wrote:

From my experiences, I usually give them space and catch up with them later. Not knowing too much about the person's parent or grandparent I often talk to them about how they were and the memories they had together.

I knew her father and family very well, I grew up next door to them all my life.

mfc2006

it's a tough thing to try to navigate by yourself, and you are being a great friend. it's a strange feeling when you lose a parent...very hard to describe.

just be yourself. be a friend. be available. if you feel like you're overstaying your welcome, just let her know that you're there if she needs you to come back. you're doing a great job. like some others have said, there's no right or wrong way to handle it. you know your friend, and you'll know what to do. best of luck & sorry for her loss.

pjhawks

the best advice I can give is to make sure you are there after the 1st week or so when the family and freinds go back to normal routines . the hardest thing for me when my dad passed away was going back to the normal grind of work after spending a week or so surrounded by family and freinds. it hit me harder then because i didn't have anyone close around me. think of your friend in the week or two right after they go back to work, call them, email them, etc. it doesn't have to be anything big, just a quick note or comment so they know you are available to talk to, share a beer, etc. if need be. don't force it just let them know you are thinking of them and are available for whatever they might need.

Who Princess

pjhawks wrote:

the best advice I can give is to make sure you are there after the 1st week or so when the family and freinds go back to normal routines . the hardest thing for me when my dad passed away was going back to the normal grind of work after spending a week or so surrounded by family and freinds. it hit me harder then because i didn't have anyone close around me. think of your friend in the week or two right after they go back to work, call them, email them, etc. it doesn't have to be anything big, just a quick note or comment so they know you are available to talk to, share a beer, etc. if need be. don't force it just let them know you are thinking of them and are available for whatever they might need.

I think this is really good, along with many of the things others have said. My dad died unexpectedly a little over a year ago. The few days immediately afterward when I was surrounded by family and friends, many who traveled long distances, are a bit of a blur but I remember it was very comforting to see so many people and realize how much they cared about me and my family. I don't remember a lot of the specifics of what they said other than I was very touched whenever they told me their memories of my dad. As another friend described it, when you are grieving you almost hunger for those reminisces.

But the place where I worked didn't have a very generous leave policy and I had to go back to work the day after my dad's funeral. I had a very stressful job and losing my dad, with whom I had always been very close, was just devastating. Some of the people I worked with were great but many avoided me because they didn't know what to say. Then there were a handful that said things that were absolutely idiotic. I would sit in my cubicle and cry.

I was very grateful for my friends who let me talk and process, trying to make sense of what had happened. I appreciated everything--cards, emails, phone calls. A group of friends from The Who board went in together and sent me flowers about 6 weeks afterward, which really meant a lot.

There is a lot of time before you'll have to think about this but the first anniversary of his death will probably be hard for her too. Many friends called or sent me cards on that day. Try to make sure that she isn't alone then.

But you have been a friend for a long time. I think you know how to feel your way through this. Let her guide you in the beginning. If she wants to talk, listen. She may just want company. Be comfortable with her silence if that's what she needs. Grief is a crazy thing and I don't thing there is a completely "right" way to do it. She will always miss her dad but I hope that eventually it will be less painful.

This has been a hard post for me to write. I wish you the best as you try to be there for your friend. You are a good, caring person to support her and her family.