Something to Brighten/Lighten your day!
Irish Al
Posts: 6,236
To be honest I'm sick of turning on the radio/tv/reading newspapers telling me how the country and the world is in the shit....so this is the thread to try and brighten everyones day.....you can all add to it....lets try and make people laugh out loud....here are the MAN RULES (and they tell the truth!).....
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the Rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way
11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials….
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.
17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the Rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way
11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials….
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.
17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
I need a coffee!
Post edited by Unknown User on
0
Comments
But he was lost!!!!!!!! :ugeek:
Thanks for the laughs. I too am sick of all the doom and gloom.
:evil:
Kids are Quicker than Adults!!
________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet.'
______________ ___________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
A lad got this reply from a dating agency he was applying to join
"Sorry your application to join our match-making service has been rejected.
You failed question #14: 'What do you like most in a woman?'
'My Dick' was not a suitable answer
Classic
WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up
to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden
shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed
stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
PM me you address again and the SOME day in the future you may open your post and find a little present :twisted:
pfft... i thought it was going to be about solar panels.
Class
> >Prayer
> > The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for
> >answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
> >
> >She said, 'I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible
> >bike wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and
> >the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
> >
> > You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
> >imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
> >
> >She continued,
> >'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him
> >terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.
> >
> >They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire
> >around it to hold it in place.' Again, the men in the congregation squirmed
> >uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on
> >Jim.
> >
> >She continued,
> >'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his
> >scrotum should recover completely.'
> >
> >
> >All the men sighed with relief.
> >
> >The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
> >
> >A man rose and walked to the podium.
> >
> >He said, 'Hi, I'm Jim, and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.
awyeah! pm sent!
> My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
> seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
>
> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told > us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the > big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your > trays
> up, that would be super.'
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
> Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
> 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you > to
> raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
>
> She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
> Princess and I take orders from no one.'
>
> To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
> 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch.'
I stress SOME DAY!!!!
One more and I'm off to bed.
Thought of the day:
"No woman will ever be truly satisfied, because no man will ever have a chocolate penis,that ejaculates money."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
GENIUS!!!
... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
>
LOVED the childre/teacher ones
... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
Why drink that piss!!