Am i depressed?

mdigenakis

When i'm not with friends, family, or my girlfriend, i'm in a state of a constant low. I have a very low opinion of myself, sepite the fact that i've accomplished alot. Just a few minutes ago i was walking around the apartment and i felt a sudden need to drop to my knees and cry. I just broke down. Sharing this information with others dosen't help, in fact, i feel that i should stop sharing it. My girlfriend wants me to talk to her about it, but last night i made her cry describing some of the emotions running through my head. Their are moments when if i had a gun in my hands i would blow my brains across the wall. I fear that these feelings are going to jeopardize my relationship with my girlfriend. This girl has admitted to me that she considers me her soulmate and that she would marry me. I'm very excited about that and i should be happy. instaed i find myself feeling like this. On top of this i feel paranoid around people (including her) that love me. I distrust friends, family, and the women of my dreams. What is wrong with me, i wish this would end. I want to be happy. Any responses, no matter how blunt, woiuld be appreciated. Thanks.

Fifthelement

Yes you are. Go and see your doctor right away.


pm sent

soulsinging

That definitely sounds like depression. You should look into seeing a counselor or psychiatrist. It might not be as simple as being down or something being wrong with your thoughts. There can be chemical imbalances and other things at play. If it's gotten that bad, do something about it sooner rather than later.

mfc2006

pm sent. take care of yourself, mdig!

smithnic

Just by asking the question, you should seek help. Many insurance companies cover visits.

justam

Don't wait for this to get worse before you do something. Call a doctor.

PearlJamaholic

hey at least you have friends and a girlfriend. i'll trade ya!!!

one thing pick a good doctor.....mine made things worse, by saying if i wasnt gonna tell her whats wrong im just wasting her time making appointments...... if i knew what was wrong with myself i wouldnt see a doctor id see a pharmacists.......jeez. i thought you tell them the symptoms and they tell you what you have. always telling me i wasnt 'trying' to get better then id explain that i was and i did what she told me, it just never turned out the way she planned. "meet people with the same interests'...... so i tried out for a few bands, not my fault they didnt think i was the next eddie van halen. i was happier(if i can use that word) going to the movies alone before i started asking people if they wanted to go and getting rejected. before i made the choose to go alone, because of her i had to go to the movies alone knowing no one else wanted to go. made me open up about stuff i never wanted to admit to then basically told me to get lost. thats a real confidence boost. one of the worst things i ever did to get mentally better was see a doctor. i know i should see someone, but im not going through all that again, not worth it.

once your doctor pretty much gives up on you its pretty easy to give up on that idea.

well good luck, its rough out there.

smithnic

PearlJamaholic wrote:

hey at least you have friends and a girlfriend. i'll trade ya!!!

one thing pick a good doctor.....mine made things worse, by saying if i wasnt gonna tell her whats wrong im just wasting her time making appointments...... if i knew what was wrong with myself i wouldnt see a doctor id see a pharmacists.......jeez. i thought you tell them the symptoms and they tell you what you have. always telling me i wasnt 'trying' to get better then id explain that i was and i did what she told me, it just never turned out the way she planned. "meet people with the same interests'...... so i tried out for a few bands, not my fault they didnt think i was the next eddie van halen. i was happier(if i can use that word) going to the movies alone before i started asking people if they wanted to go and getting rejected. before i made the choose to go alone, because of her i had to go to the movies alone knowing no one else wanted to go. made me open up about stuff i never wanted to admit to then basically told me to get lost. thats a real confidence boost. one of the worst things i ever did to get mentally better was see a doctor. i know i should see someone, but im not going through all that again, not worth it.

once your doctor pretty much gives up on you its pretty easy to give up on that idea.

well good luck, its rough out there.

It may just be because I'm in the field, but try a social worker. I know people think immediately that social workers are all about like child welfare and all, but a lot of social workers are clinical and unlike many doctors, take a more caring, sympathetic and real-life approach. I'd try again if I were you. It sure helped me to have the right person helping.

CROJAM95

I wish ya all the best


Good to see you want to be proactive and get help. Also you recognize there are many people who love you....I'm not an expert on this but that seems real IMPORTANT!!


take care

pearljgirl2010

CROJAM95 wrote:

I wish ya all the best

Good to see you want to be proactive and get help. Also you recognize there are many people who love you....I'm not an expert on this but that seems real IMPORTANT!!

take care

I agree...it's so important that you're looking for a positive direction. We all have our down times...the trick is pulling through and getting back to YOU. I've had a very down January and I'm trying to look at the bright side. it's not easy, but it WILL get better...

good luck--you've got friends here too :-)

Gary Carter

maybe you have SAD. are you like this in the spring,summer and fall

mdigenakis

thanks everyone. I'm trying, but i can't afford any professional help. I don't like talking to my girlfriend about this because she speaks so highly of me. This woman is prepared to spend her life with me. Me! I must be doing something right with this life right? I broke down before and it was really pathetic. I cleaned up, coached myself to get up off the floor. I'm still here and i guess that counts for something. Thanks again.

CHANGEinWAVES

please see someone, it's incredible what can be done for depression now.
I didn't realize I had it for years, since I still had times when I was able to "enjoy Life" but those times in between were brutal. Now that I'm taking the steps to get past the depression I feel much better, sure there are days where I feel the same as before but they are few and far in between, and given my current circumstances I think they aren't unheard of.

I understand not have the cash to go to a Dr. but if there is any way you can get to a clinic or make the priority of saving for a Dr. visit, you will be much better in the long run. I can't explain to you how good it actually is to "feel" again.... and feel the good things... not just despair.

I wish you well and if you ever need an ear, I am more than willing.

vedderfan10

So you'd rather die than go see a doctor? Hmmmm....if you care about your girlfriend so much, you would take care of yourself...it's hard to be there for others when you're not there for yourself...

I'm sure there are free mental health resources in your area (check with the NIMH website)...start there...

My own battle with depression started with feelings similar to yours. I didn't care about me, I was more concerned with how my friends were going to react and constantly called myself a moron, or an idiot because I couldn't make the feelings go away...then when suicidal thoughts popped into my head, I genuine believed everyone would be beter off without me...so then I went to my doctor...and I got the help I needed...and then I thought about what a crappy friend I would have been if I hadn't gotten any help and went on withdrawing and feeling miserable all the time. How stressful it was for my husband to know I wasn't well and wasn't doing anything about it...

If your nose was bleeding all the time, you would see a doctor...if you had cancer, you'd see a doctor...

If you are feeling suicidal and you're afraid to let your girlfriend down...think of how much you'd let her down by acting on your thoughts...At least call a crisis line and see if maybe there's some volunteer counselling...

I've been there....and I implore you to get some help...talk to your doctor!

mdigenakis

Vedderfan10 wrote:

So you'd rather die than go see a doctor? Hmmmm....if you care about your girlfriend so much, you would take care of yourself...it's hard to be there for others when you're not there for yourself...

I'm sure there are free mental health resources in your area (check with the NIMH website)...start there...

My own battle with depression started with feelings similar to yours. I didn't care about me, I was more concerned with how my friends were going to react and constantly called myself a moron, or an idiot because I couldn't make the feelings go away...then when suicidal thoughts popped into my head, I genuine believed everyone would be beter off without me...so then I went to my doctor...and I got the help I needed...and then I thought about what a crappy friend I would have been if I hadn't gotten any help and went on withdrawing and feeling miserable all the time. How stressful it was for my husband to know I wasn't well and wasn't doing anything about it...

If your nose was bleeding all the time, you would see a doctor...if you had cancer, you'd see a doctor...



If you are feeling suicidal and you're afraid to let your girlfriend down...think of how much you'd let her down by acting on your thoughts...At least call a crisis line and see if maybe there's some volunteer counselling...

I've been there....and I implore you to get some help...talk to your doctor!

This all sounds very familiar. I made her cry last night when i explained what was going on in my head. That made me feel even worse about myself. I will get better, i have to, if not for my sake, then for hers. I want to be the man she thinks i am. The guy she wants to marry.

pearljgirl2010

[/quote]
This all sounds very familiar. I made her cry last night when i explained what was going on in my head. That made me feel even worse about myself. I will get better, i have to, if not for my sake, then for hers. I want to be the man she thinks i am. The guy she wants to marry.[/quote]


she loves you for YOU....good and bad, and that is who she wants to marry. So what if you broke down--we all break down and have to find a way back up. And, yes, she cried...but that shows that she's concerned-- it's hard when someone you love is hurting and you can't fix them. that's why you need to talk to someone else--a different friend, a trusted teacher/mentor...anyone, and get headed in the right direction.

No one faults you or thinks you're stupid for going through a tough time. Stupid would be letting your ego or whatever get in the way and NOT get help.

you can do it--it's just hard

Obsidian22

Hi mdigenakis, as a woman who is married to a man who suffers every year from SAD I will tell you this. Your girlfriend probably broke down and cried because she feels helpless in the sense that she wished she could make your pain go away. When you see the person you love in pain, you want to make it all better. No questions asked, just give you a smile or something. It hurts seeing your loved one down. Just know that you are loved. She wants you no matter what. You are both communicating your feelings with one another.Never stop communicating with her, that is so crucial in any relationship. I think crying is a release. I t frees your mind and heart of pain or suffering. You don't have to suffer, you know that right. Go talk to a professional, psychologists are fabulous because they do not prescribe meds but give you options, and tools to help you adjust your atttitudes and behaviours. Sometimes being down is just the process to turn yourself around and return to your normal beautiful self. Other thing you might try include diet(more B vitamins B12 and B6 supplements) fresh frutis and veggies, sunlight therapy(tanning beds or lamps). I personally am a registered massage therapist and go get massage once a month for my own sanity and well being. It provides me the space to clear my muddled thought and get my blood flowing throoughout my muscles. It helps release those endorphins and brain chemicals as well. You are in my happy thoughts my fellow PJ friend.

vedderfan10

mdigenakis wrote:

This all sounds very familiar. I made her cry last night when i explained what was going on in my head. That made me feel even worse about myself. I will get better, i have to, if not for my sake, then for hers. I want to be the man she thinks i am. The guy she wants to marry.[/quote]

Depression is NOT your fault. You don't need to have a reason to justify not being depressed. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain... And guilt about anything to do with your depression will only lead to more depression. And you did not make your girlfriend cry...she cried on her own... probably out of concern. But, acting how you think others want you to act only adds more pressure to you...and one day you're not gonna want to pretend anymore...

If you want to be the man she thinks you are, then yeah, talk to your doctor or at least a crisis line worker...maybe involve her...

I also found that excerise REALLY helped...in addition to the meds, therapy, SAD lamp....yoga, running, walking, anything...even walking two or three blocks...try to be active...

You have to be better for you before you can be better for her...

Thoughts_Arrive

If I had a girlfriend and more of a social life with more friends I wouldn't be as shit.
My depression started with my verbally abusive mother, but she can also be okay, major mood swings there.
Listening to music, Pearl Jam especially in recent times dulls the pain for a while.
Oh I'm still Alive, I know it's not a survivor song but I'll put my own meaning to it.

I can offer you no advice as I have not had the balls to take other peoples advice so far therefore making me a hypocrite, but all I can say is hang in there, stay strong, all the best man.

Fifthelement

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

If I had a girlfriend and more of a social life with more friends I wouldn't be as shit.
My depression started with my verbally abusive mother, but she can also be okay, major mood swings there.
Listening to music, Pearl Jam especially in recent times dulls the pain for a while.
Oh I'm still Alive, I know it's not a survivor song but I'll put my own meaning to it.

I can offer you no advice as I have not had the balls to take other peoples advice so far therefore making me a hypocrite, but all I can say is hang in there, stay strong, all the best man.

Sounds like your mother may suffer from bi-polar disorder or depression as well.
Pearl Jam has saved my life quite a few times. It also motivated me to get help when I needed it. Good luck to you. I hope that some day you will decide to get some professional help . . . 'cos it's good that you are "Alive".

Thoughts_Arrive

We all know she does, she has all my life.
Got worse when family members died (her mum, nephew, sister in law, brother, dad).
What can you do.

Fifthelement

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

We all know she does, she has all my life.
Got worse when family members died (her mum, nephew, sister in law, brother, dad).
What can you do.

Nothing! :x Can't help someone who won't help themselves. My mom has suffered from depression most of her life as well, but she refuses to treat it :? I think that she thinks it's weak :roll: Personally, I think she likes to wallow in her misery half the time. Ah, whatever! I'm taking care of myself 'cos I don't want to be like her (depression wise) in another 20 years.

Thoughts_Arrive

My mum isn't educated in that respect to know much about mental illness, she's an old fashioned immigrant.
I don't think she knows she has it.
She just labels people with problems as mental or sick.

Fifthelement

Ah well . . . it is what it is :(

Heineken Helen

mdigenakis wrote:

This all sounds very familiar. I made her cry last night when i explained what was going on in my head. That made me feel even worse about myself. I will get better, i have to, if not for my sake, then for hers. I want to be the man she thinks i am. The guy she wants to marry.

are you ON any medication for anything at the mo? This sounds exactly what I went through before... I came off the pill and gradually got better and within a couple of weeks i was back to normal. It's scary when those thoughts come into your head... especially when you know there are people who love you and who care but you don't know what's wrong. I was lucky that I was able to figure it out myself... but if i didn't god knows how it would have ended up. Please just go and see a doc.

Heineken Helen

also other people mentioned things like going to a social worker or calling a crisis line (the samaritans?). That's free... so don't use money as an excuse... just pick up the phone and call. There are plenty of other professions who are trained to help at times like this... priests are one... just off the top of my head.

kenny olav

Someone very close to me has gone through the same kind of depression you're describing. This person was able to get help from the state and is doing much better now. You might be surprised what kind of services are offered by your state. Medication might be what you need to get your head in order. I used to be skeptical of meds but I've seen them work. It's good that you are talking with us about it, but I think that's also proof that you need to do more. I think you are lucky to have the girlfriend you have, that she help you with your depression, but you need more help. That's my opinion, but seek many opinions, especially professional opinions.

covered in bliss

Site Name: Queens County Mental Health Society, Inc.--Main Office
Site Address: 80-45 Winchester Boulevard, CB49
City/State/Zip: Queens, NY 11427
Borough: Queens
Telephone: 718-479-0030

vedderfan10

There is a line from a song that I find gets truer and truer every time I hear it...

"The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow's denied..."

Very very true, dat....

yellowled24

mdigenakis wrote:

Their are moments when if i had a gun in my hands i would blow my brains across the wall.

Years ago when I wasnt being treated sufficiently for my depression - I was asked this question by a counsellor, "If I gave you a gun and left the room would you use it?"

I said, without hesitating, "Absloutely". And I 100% wouldve too.

Sometimes feeling like you are being forced to feel a certain way makes it worse. If you feel like you SHOULD be happy, it kinda puts an even bigger downer on the fact that you are obviously in need of some help.
Both meds and counselling are great together, just dont try and do one thing or the other...it needs to be both...

Dunno what anyone else has written here, just felt like I should reply asap to your post.

Depression is a shit of an illness/disease and it has the power to absolutely destroy your life...but it IS a battle that can be won, please keep trying.

PM if you need

yellowled24

Heineken Helen wrote:

also other people mentioned things like going to a social worker or calling a crisis line (the samaritans?). That's free... so don't use money as an excuse... just pick up the phone and call. There are plenty of other professions who are trained to help at times like this... priests are one... just off the top of my head.

I have a friend who was having an extremely hard time a few months ago...she had this incessant need to go to an old church with stained glass windows and pray....

She ended up finding some random church in a town and left the car running with her two girls in there, rushed in, and proceeded to cry and swear infront of the Priest....then she grabbed his bible, and flicked thru it trying to find a Psalm to help her, and she started smacking it, over and over, saying, "I cant find it!!"

Then she reaslied she was smacking the bible :shock: