I hate dating! Who's with me?

_

Why is it that when you're "dating" someone - even if you think you've established that you're not officially dating but just trying to get to know one another - they want to hang out with you ALL the fucking time? (I'm not talking about two people with an established monogamous relationship - I'm talking about someone you've known for a month.) I mean, there are only 7 days in a week. And I had every one of them full before I met you. I need to work, and clean my house, and sleep, and hang out with my family, and hang out with my friends, and hang out with myself, and work some more, and do my taxes, and wash my hair, and etc., etc.... I might even be dating some other people too. Don't give me a hard time if I can't or don't want to hang out with you twice a week, or even once a week.

Also, why do so many guys feel the need to constantly tell you about how good they are at everything and how much they know? Am I the only one who appreciates a humble man?

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel like I need advice, but I'm not yet sure what my question is...

small town beck

What is this dating thing you speak of?

_

small town beck wrote:

What is this dating thing you speak of?

Okay, that made me laugh. Thank you. Obviously I needed that.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Not even sure what dating is. Shagging, yes, I know that one. Going out together, and drinking or spending shitloads of money eating, as an appetite builder for shagging, yes, that too. Staying in and maybe shagging, maybe falling asleep, or maybe even staying in, then falling out over some shit on the TV and getting kicked out of the house in one's socks and walking forty miles back to one's parents in the rain, yes. (Okay, no, but that one was illustrative, to make a rhetorical point.) Dating, now, what the fuck is that? That sounds like the sort of thing John and Yoko did with other wishy washy people, in about 1974.

LikeAnOcean

scb wrote:

Why is it that when you're "dating" someone - even if you think you've established that you're not officially dating but just trying to get to know one another - they want to hang out with you ALL the fucking time? (I'm not talking about two people with an established monogamous relationship - I'm talking about someone you've known for a month.) I mean, there are only 7 days in a week. And I had every one of them full before I met you. I need to work, and clean my house, and sleep, and hang out with my family, and hang out with my friends, and hang out with myself, and work some more, and do my taxes, and wash my hair, and etc., etc.... I might even be dating some other people too. Don't give me a hard time if I can't or don't want to hang out with you twice a week, or even once a week.

Also, why do so many guys feel the need to constantly tell you about how good they are at everything and how much they know? Am I the only one who appreciates a humble man?

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel like I need advice, but I'm not yet sure what my question is...

Thanks for the advice! Should I stop calling her every other day??? ..I am humble though. I usually belittle myself and only ask questions about her.

And yes, a little over a week now into this, and I'm reminded how much I hate dating too.

aNiMaL

Yeah, dating sucks. I'm with ya.

Allie

I'm with you!It's over rated! It's like Jerry Seinfeld said, it's like a job interview! Blech.

lalalalaaaaaaaa

Wash your hair?

C'mon, that's like some excuse Patty Duke would use back in the 50's for chrissake.

Ms. Haiku

Short-term partner has boundary issues?

_

Saturnal wrote:

Wash your hair?

C'mon, that's like some excuse Patty Duke would use back in the 50's for chrissake.

You haven't seen my hair.

GreenTeaDisease

eh I'm starting to feel like I want to do it again, but I only want to date AWESOME people. no more dating for the sake of dating for me.

small town beck

scb wrote:

Okay, that made me laugh. Thank you. Obviously I needed that.

Glad it made you laugh.. and I appreciate the need of a good laugh.

sponger

I gave this chick my phone number a short while back and she wouldn't stop texting, e-mailing, and calling me after that. She'd go, "Call me when you have the time," and then I wouldn't call her, so she'd call me again the very next day.

So I told her that "it's bad" that we are talking all the time as I have things to do. I thought she would just call me less, but she hasn't called back since.

But, I forgot to mention that we never actually went out on a date. I'm sorta busy right now. So, in that sense, my experience is not entirely related to this thread.

_

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

eh I'm starting to feel like I want to do it again, but I only want to date AWESOME people. no more dating for the sake of dating for me.

One of the problems I have with dating, if you define that as casually seeing someone with the option of seeing other people too, is that as soon as you find someone awesome there's a tendency to get serious, thereby ruining your option to date another awesome person should one come along (and they seem to always come along when you're already seeing someone else). So it seems to me like dating someone awesome is a catch-22. I feel like I've spent most of my life saying I wasn't going to get serious and then getting serious right away. (And once I'm in a serious relationship, I tend to stick it out through thick and thin.)

Can't there be some intermediate level where you enjoy someone's company and want to spend time with them and get to know them better but don't want to spend what seems like ALL your time with them or give up your freedom? I've heard of this. But I can never seem to work it out.

This guy tonight, who I've known for about a month, sent me a text message that he wants to get together tomorrow night. I had already told him that I had a lot to do this weekend - housecleaning, unpacking, taxes, work, etc. Now I know that might sound lame, but I'm trying hard to get my life organized so I can be happy. I think that's a reasonable thing to do for myself. So I replied that I don't really have any free time all week, since I have work to do this weekend and already have plans on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I was hoping he would take that at face value and not read into it that I'm blowing him off.

So he called me right away to ask if I'm blowing him off. I was glad he called instead of texting, and I was happy that he was straightforward enough to ask and not just make assumptions. But I felt like he argued with me when I said I still want to hang out with him but am just busy this week. I explained that I had plans this week that I made months ago, and that they were with my mom, and also, again, that it's very important for me to get my house clean and organized and to finish unpacking. (Why do I have to explain myself anyway?)

So he offered to come over and help me clean my house. Now that's extremely thoughtful and I told him I really appreciated the offer but I wouldn't feel good about having him clean my house. (I'm not gonna have some guy I hardly know come and clean my house! That's embarrassing! I only this week even felt comfortable telling him where I live. Plus, I'd never actually get any work done. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy.) But he kept arguing about how that would be a win-win for both of us.

And he made some comment about how there are all these doors he's trying to get through to see me and I just keep closing them on him. (What doors?! Now you're seeing doors?! I'm not closing any doors. There's one door, and it's open, and it's next week!) Then he reiterates something he's told me before about how he's the kind of guy who, when a barrier is placed in front of him, he's determined to knock it down. I said, "Please don't see my goal of accomplishing things that are important to me as a barrier you need to knock down." (Yes, I know - now I'm a crazy feminist bitch. :rolleyes: )

So he went on about how he really likes me and was just trying to work out a plan to see me. I said you CAN see me - NEXT week. He said, "Well, you know, it's just that if I really like someone I MAKE time to see them." Is he trying to CONVICE me that I don't really like him?! I'm aware of the concept that if you really like someone you make time for them. I've had this happen to me in the past with guys I fell head over heels for right away and I stayed out all night just to find some extra time to be with them. But I'm not head over heels for this guy - I just enjoy his company and I'm trying to get to know him. And I've already told him that I hate dating and I'm not looking for a relationship.

Now after all that rambling, I think I've realized what my question is: Does it have to be all or nothing? Is it not enough to like someone enough to go to dinner with them every other week while you get to know them better? Should I just immediately ditch every guy who doesn't have the same effect on me that someone like, say, Eddie Vedder would? Should I just ditch this guy since I only want to hang out once every week or two?

_

sponger wrote:

I gave this chick my phone number a short while back and she wouldn't stop texting, e-mailing, and calling me after that. She'd go, "Call me when you have the time," and then I wouldn't call her, so she'd call me again the very next day.

So I told her that "it's bad" that we are talking all the time as I have things to do. I thought she would just call me less, but she hasn't called back since.

But, I forgot to mention that we never actually went out on a date. I'm sorta busy right now. So, in that sense, my experience is not entirely related to this thread.

I'm happy for him to call and ask me out if he wants to. I just don't want a guilt trip when I say I'm not free this week.

The main reason I stopped dating was because I felt horrible always telling people I didn't have time to go out (or sometimes I just don't feel like being sociable). Got to the point where I didn't even want to call people back. Now I don't even give out my number, I just tell people, "To be honest, although I'm really enjoying your company right now, I know myself well enough to know that I never call people back." I once told a guy, "I like you, so I don't want to add you to the list of people I'm trying to avoid because I feel bad for never having called them back. But I come here a lot so hopefully I'll see you again." (This guy I posted about got my number under somewhat false pretenses.)

aNiMaL

scb wrote:

One of the problems I have with dating, if you define that as casually seeing someone with the option of seeing other people too, is that as soon as you find someone awesome there's a tendency to get serious, thereby ruining your option to date another awesome person should one come along (and they seem to always come along when you're already seeing someone else). So it seems to me like dating someone awesome is a catch-22. I feel like I've spent most of my life saying I wasn't going to get serious and then getting serious right away. (And once I'm in a serious relationship, I tend to stick it out through thick and thin.)

Can't there be some intermediate level where you enjoy someone's company and want to spend time with them and get to know them better but don't want to spend what seems like ALL your time with them or give up your freedom? I've heard of this. But I can never seem to work it out.

This guy tonight, who I've known for about a month, sent me a text message that he wants to get together tomorrow night. I had already told him that I had a lot to do this weekend - housecleaning, unpacking, taxes, work, etc. Now I know that might sound lame, but I'm trying hard to get my life organized so I can be happy. I think that's a reasonable thing to do for myself. So I replied that I don't really have any free time all week, since I have work to do this weekend and already have plans on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I was hoping he would take that at face value and not read into it that I'm blowing him off.

So he called me right away to ask if I'm blowing him off. I was glad he called instead of texting, and I was happy that he was straightforward enough to ask and not just make assumptions. But I felt like he argued with me when I said I still want to hang out with him but am just busy this week. I explained that I had plans this week that I made months ago, and that they were with my mom, and also, again, that it's very important for me to get my house clean and organized and to finish unpacking. (Why do I have to explain myself anyway?)

So he offered to come over and help me clean my house. Now that's extremely thoughtful and I told him I really appreciated the offer but I wouldn't feel good about having him clean my house. (I'm not gonna have some guy I hardly know come and clean my house! That's embarrassing! I only this week even felt comfortable telling him where I live. Plus, I'd never actually get any work done. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy.) But he kept arguing about how that would be a win-win for both of us.

And he made some comment about how there are all these doors he's trying to get through to see me and I just keep closing them on him. (What doors?! Now you're seeing doors?! I'm not closing any doors. There's one door, and it's open, and it's next week!) Then he reiterates something he's told me before about how he's the kind of guy who, when a barrier is placed in front of him, he's determined to knock it down. I said, "Please don't see my goal of accomplishing things that are important to me as a barrier you need to knock down." (Yes, I know - now I'm a crazy feminist bitch. :rolleyes: )

So he went on about how he really likes me and was just trying to work out a plan to see me. I said you CAN see me - NEXT week. He said, "Well, you know, it's just that if I really like someone I MAKE time to see them." Is he trying to CONVICE me that I don't really like him?! I'm aware of the concept that if you really like someone you make time for them. I've had this happen to me in the past with guys I fell head over heels for right away and I stayed out all night just to find some extra time to be with them. But I'm not head over heels for this guy - I just enjoy his company and I'm trying to get to know him. And I've already told him that I hate dating and I'm not looking for a relationship.

Now after all that rambling, I think I've realized what my question is: Does it have to be all or nothing? Is it not enough to like someone enough to go to dinner with them every other week while you get to know them better? Should I just immediately ditch every guy who doesn't have the same effect on me that someone like, say, Eddie Vedder would? Should I just ditch this guy since I only want to hang out once every week or two?

I have so been "that guy."

And he wants you to be at least important enough in your life for you to want to make time to see him on somewhat of a regular basis. Not everyday - but a couple times a week maybe. If you can't - or don't want to - make time to even have a cup of coffee and a conversation with him (at the very least) during a weeks time, then you should most definitely let him go.

This is the real world, not Sex in The City. Most people are actually looking for "the one."

_

aNiMaL wrote:

I have so been "that guy."

And he wants you to be at least important enough in your life for you to want to make time to see him on somewhat of a regular basis. Not everyday - but a couple times a week maybe. If you can't - or don't want to - make time to even have a cup of coffee and a conversation with him (at the very least) during a weeks time, then you should most definitely let him go.

This is the real world, not Sex in The City. Most people are actually looking for "the one."

Good to know, good to know.

I think he could become important enough for me to want to see him more frequently, but right now I feel like no one who's practically a stranger could be important enough for me to change my priorities. (I tend to get into serious relationships with guys I already know.)

What do you think about giving him the ol' friends line? I would like to be friends with him, and he has a lot of female friends so this doesn't seem to be a problem for him.

But you're probably right that I should just squash any hope of a relationship since I'm not really looking for that (and since I'm clearly starting to get irritated). I had previously left having a relationship open as a possibility for the future.

Thanks for the advice.