A question for men and women

Thecure

i am very good friends with my ex-girlfriend. we talk alot. yesterday i went out with her and we talked abotu her husband (she actually brought up teh subject as she always does). her and her husband are very different people. they met while she was living overseas in another country wher he lived. She got tired of living there and decided to move back to canada. she believed that they had broken up but he decided to moev to canada to. they planned on getting married if he came. they also had major problems that she agian also brought up with me. so yesterday, we were talking and she asked me when it is time to give up on teh marriage. i have been trying to keep their marriage alive becuase deep down i don't want to be teh person that tells her to leave him. he is a very nice guy an dso is she but together they are not good together, they are too different.

now the 2nd reason that i work hard at keeping their marriage alive is becuase i don't want her to believbe that i am trying to destroy her marriage is becuase i want her back. at the same tiem i think teh best thing fo rher is that she leaves him. what should i do? is it wrong that i work harder to keep their marriage alive than they do? women, how would you feel if yoru best friend who is also your ex-boyfriend tells you to break-up your marriage.

NOyieldingCODE

fuck her sister

DeLukin

If you can look at your friend's marriage objectively and without making it about you and you still think they shouldn't be together then I think you owe it to your friend to tell her the truth. She asked for your advice and you're lying to her by telling her that she should stay in a bad marriage - that might be worse than being the one to convince her to move on. If you can't separate what you want from what's best for her you should tell her that too. She obviously trusts you, so you shouldn't betray that trust by being selfish which, it seems, you're definitely being by lying to her.

saveuplife

Thecure wrote:

i am very good friends with my ex-girlfriend. we talk alot. yesterday i went out with her and we talked abotu her husband (she actually brought up teh subject as she always does). her and her husband are very different people. they met while she was living overseas in another country wher he lived. She got tired of living there and decided to move back to canada. she believed that they had broken up but he decided to moev to canada to. they planned on getting married if he came. they also had major problems that she agian also brought up with me. so yesterday, we were talking and she asked me when it is time to give up on teh marriage. i have been trying to keep their marriage alive becuase deep down i don't want to be teh person that tells her to leave him. he is a very nice guy an dso is she but together they are not good together, they are too different.

now the 2nd reason that i work hard at keeping their marriage alive is becuase i don't want her to believbe that i am trying to destroy her marriage is becuase i want her back. at the same tiem i think teh best thing fo rher is that she leaves him. what should i do? is it wrong that i work harder to keep their marriage alive than they do? women, how would you feel if yoru best friend who is also your ex-boyfriend tells you to break-up your marriage.

Dude, get away from her. She's married. You don't need to remain friends with her. If you really inspect your own mind, I think you may find that YOU still love her and certainly, she looks like she still has feelings for you. But, that doesn't matter. She's married. Walk away and find someone else. Grow up.

My opinion is when you split with someone there is absolutely no need to remain friends. As a matter of fact, I think it's detrimental for both parties. Reason: Whoever you date next will always feel a bit uncomfortable about your relationship with them. And if you are truthful, would you blame them for feeling uncomfortable? It's only right that in your next relationship you devote yourself to making that person feel like they are #1 in your life.

Going one step further, I think it's extremely rare that men ever want to be "good" friends with women, unless they are attracted to them (I know I'm going to get killed for this). Is that superficial of me to say? Yes. Definetly. But, have I seen it over the years? Yes. Almost every guy who is good "friends" with a girl ends up hooking up with her several years later, once she breaks up with someone or is single. I define good "friends" differently from an acquitance (someone who you enjoy's company, but aren't close enough to do things individually with).

Anyway, back to your situation. I would tell your friend to stick it out. Then I would suggest you slowly back away from your "friendship" with her.... for the good of her "marriage".

But, this is just my opinion. Hope things work out.

brainofme

just tell her.
you are good friends, and she asks for your opinion, so i see no problem in telling her that you think their relationship isn't good for her/both of tehm. i mean, if she already mentions problems and asks you when she should stop it, she already kind of seems prepared for an answer like that. and if you don't want her to think that you want her back, just tell her that as well. you are a good friend and want to help her as a good friend, nothing more. but you really should mention that you don't have any other interest, because otherwise her decisions are made with wrong opinions about your intentions in mind.

hope this makes sense...

Thecure

DeLukin wrote:

If you can look at your friend's marriage objectively and without making it about you and you still think they shouldn't be together then I think you owe it to your friend to tell her the truth. She asked for your advice and you're lying to her by telling her that she should stay in a bad marriage - that might be worse than being the one to convince her to move on. If you can't separate what you want from what's best for her you should tell her that too. She obviously trusts you, so you shouldn't betray that trust by being selfish which, it seems, you're definitely being by lying to her.

i am not telling her to stay in a bad marriage what i am doing is giving her the other side. i am making her look at all her options. she is teh alwasy the person who talks abotu divorce i never bring it up. but i think you are right that i am being selfish, i think when i see her this thrusday and if she brings up the discussion agian i will tell her what i think. she is an adult and can make up her own mind. if that means losing a friend so be it.

Sian-of-the-dead

"Keeping their marriage alive" is not your responsiblity. Take a step back dude... it'll only end in tears.

lalalalaaaaaaaa

Thecure wrote:

i have been trying to keep their marriage alive becuase deep down i don't want to be teh person that tells her to leave him. he is a very nice guy an dso is she but together they are not good together, they are too different.

Lying to your friend is a lot worse than telling her the truth about your opinion of her marriage.

And you don't have as much of an effect on her marriage as you think you do. It's HER marriage, not yours.

Thecure

saveuplife wrote:

Dude, get away from her. She's married. You don't need to remain friends with her. If you really inspect your own mind, I think you may find that YOU still love her and certainly, she looks like she still has feelings for you. But, that doesn't matter. She's married. Walk away and find someone else. Grow up.

My opinion is when you split with someone there is absolutely no need to remain friends. As a matter of fact, I think it's detrimental for both parties. Reason: Whoever you date next will always feel a bit uncomfortable about your relationship with them. And if you are truthful, would you blame them for feeling uncomfortable? It's only right that in your next relationship you devote yourself to making that person feel like they are #1 in your life.

Going one step further, I think it's extremely rare that men ever want to be "good" friends with women, unless they are attracted to them (I know I'm going to get killed for this). Is that superficial of me to say? Yes. Definetly. But, have I seen it over the years? Yes. Almost every guy who is good "friends" with a girl ends up hooking up with her several years later, once she breaks up with someone or is single. I define good "friends" differently from an acquitance (someone who you enjoy's company, but aren't close enough to do things individually with).

Anyway, back to your situation. I would tell your friend to stick it out. Then I would suggest you slowly back away from your "friendship" with her.... for the good of her "marriage".

But, this is just my opinion. Hope things work out.

wow! grow up! i have another girlfriend now who i like and try to make feel like they are my #1. me and my friend do have a long history that is true but i have never stood in her way to do anything. i have no interest in getting back with her but i understand what you mean there. i am telling her to stick it out but i am wondering at what point do i speck what i think. as i wrote before she is alwasy the one who brings this up. i never do!

Thecure

Sian-of-the-dead wrote:

"Keeping their marriage alive" is not your responsiblity. Take a step back dude... it'll only end in tears.

that is true, i think i have the jesus complex. i deal everyday with people problems and i think i maybe doing the same here.

CityMouse

I think it's not your responsibility.

saveuplife

Thecure wrote:

wow! grow up! i have another girlfriend now who i like and try to make feel like they are my #1. me and my friend do have a long history that is true but i have never stood in her way to do anything. i have no interest in getting back with her but i understand what you mean there. i am telling her to stick it out but i am wondering at what point do i speck what i think. as i wrote before she is alwasy the one who brings this up. i never do!

How does your girlfriend get along with your ex? Does she like her? Even if she acts like she does on the surface, do you think she may be a bit uncomfortable about your relationship with your ex?

You don't have to respond to those questions. But, think about them. Put yourself in her shoes. Now after you are done doing that. Put yourself in your ex's husband's shoes. Do you think there are any similarities?

As I said, it's just my opinion, but I think you should back off from your relationship with your ex. It seems to me that they already have problems in their relationship. Not to be mean and I can tell you don't mean any harm, but I don't think you are necessarily helping and you may actually be making matters worse. Once again, I can tell you are not meaning to.

myhook

WhatsThisLifeFor wrote:

fuck her sister

I know this obviously doesn't help your situation but god damn is it funny.

OffHeGoes29

I said it once, and I'll say it again.........

There is no such thing as "friends" with the opposite sex. They are just people you want to have sex with or had sex with. I have NEVER heard of a friendship between a man and women where one of them didn't want to hook up. It’s mostly women who say that this isn't true, but they are really naive or in denial. A friend isn't someone you have sex with. (I know I'll catch some shit for this, buts its just my opinion)


Sorry to side track...about your issue........get the hell out of it if you know whats good for you. Chances are her husband hates you, even if you think hes cool about you guys hanging out, hes not. And your current girlfriend may say shes cool with you hanging out with your ex, but shes not. These issues are fucking dangerous. When your "friend" divorces this guy, hes going to think you had something to do with it. Stay the fuck away from it, love and jealousy makes people loose their fucking minds.

From my small amount of experience in life, I have not seen anything good from any of it. Good luck if you deside to become a part of this disaster, you're asking for trouble and drama.

OffHeGoes29

WhatsThisLifeFor wrote:

fuck her sister

I concur.....capital idea

Sian-of-the-dead

Thecure wrote:

that is true, i think i have the jesus complex. i deal everyday with people problems and i think i maybe doing the same here.

Quite possibly. You should explain to your friend that your doing it though. Tell her that you think she needs space to make her own mind up. Let her know that you'll be there for her but that you can't solve her problems.

comebackwoman

Maybe just be up front with her and let her know it's a very awkward position for you to be in and the reasons why. You can't save her marriage and it's not your job. You could just reflect back to her that it sounds like she has a lot of concerns about their relationship and you've noticed that she talks about it a lot with you...and it seems as though she needs to really work this stuff out and come to a decision about what she wants to do about it...ideally by discussing it with her husband.

decides2dream

comebackgirl wrote:

Maybe just be up front with her and let her know it's a very awkward position for you to be in and the reasons why. You can't save her marriage and it's not your job. You could just reflect back to her that it sounds like she has a lot of concerns about their relationship and you've noticed that she talks about it a lot with you...and it seems as though she needs to really work this stuff out and come to a decision about what she wants to do about it...ideally by discussing it with her husband.

best post on the thread, imho of course. ALL of it, but the part i bolded.....EXACTLY! that is what a friend should do/say, period.

comebackwoman

decides2dream wrote:

best post on the thread, imho of course. ALL of it, but the part i bolded.....EXACTLY! that is what a friend should do/say, period.

That's why I love you! Not just for your shiny hair

decides2dream

comebackgirl wrote:

That's why I love you! Not just for your shiny hair

because i agree with you?



seriously, a true friend...exBF or not......would most definitely say what you posted, and absolutely encourage their friend to think long and hard, and hell yes....communicate with their spouse. it seems like a no-brainer, but truthfully, i think communication issues are the *it* of most relationships. sure sex, money, who puts out the garbage, etc....may be the minutiae of it all, but it's the issue of communicating effectively that proves the most difficult, for well....most.

comebackwoman

decides2dream wrote:

because i agree with you?



seriously, a true friend...exBF or not......would most definitely say what you posted, and absolutely encourage their friend to think long and hard, and hell yes....communicate with their spouse. it seems like a no-brainer, but truthfully, i think communication issues are the *it* of most relationships. sure sex, money, who puts out the garbage, etc....may be the minutiae of it all, but it's the issue of communicating effectively that proves the most difficult, for well....most.

of course!

and I agree. I think this would be a difficult position for any friend to be in..ex-boyfriend or not. Most people can probably benefit from someone outside of the relationship lending an ear from time to time...but in the end these things can only be worked out with one's partner.

decides2dream

comebackgirl wrote:

of course!

and I agree. I think this would be a difficult position for any friend to be in..ex-boyfriend or not. Most people can probably benefit from someone outside of the relationship lending an ear from time to time...but in the end these things can only be worked out with one's partner.

so really then, your love is based on self-love.



absolutely. that's the thing. sometimes you need a friend to be objective, just to listen and then tell you hey...wake up! go talk to your SPOUSE about this and figure out what YOU want. it seems so simple, but really...we all need such from time to time.

comebackwoman

decides2dream wrote:

so really then, your love is based on self-love.



absolutely. that's the thing. sometimes you need a friend to be objective, just to listen and then tell you hey...wake up! go talk to your SPOUSE about this and figure out what YOU want. it seems so simple, but really...we all need such from time to time.

well that...and the fact that great minds think alike

I think a lot of us do this in all sorts of relationships. I know I do. I might complain about a co-worker, my mom, etc...and I want someone to listen, but if I go on about it long enough, it usually helps to hear them say "maybe you need to talk to her/him/them about that." That's when I realize that although I've been doing a lot of venting/complaining/etc...I may not be doing much to resolve the situation.

decides2dream

comebackgirl wrote:

well that...and the fact that great minds think alike

I think a lot of us do this in all sorts of relationships. I know I do. I might complain about a co-worker, my mom, etc...and I want someone to listen, but if I go on about it long enough, it usually helps to hear them say "maybe you need to talk to her/him/them about that." That's when I realize that although I've been doing a lot of venting/complaining/etc...I may not be doing much to resolve the situation.

eggsactly.



sometimes we need someone else to point out the obvious to us.

RolandTD20Kdrummer

I can hear it now....

"well my ex-boyfriend suggests we ...."

hahhahaaa

get the fuck out of town...