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Grieving for my friend

yellowled24yellowled24 Posts: 3,118
edited March 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
On April 7th, it will be ten years since a really good friend of mine was killed in a car accident.
Who else has had to deal with a sudden loss? I was only 15 at the time, and because she was killed in a car accident, I found it harder to come to terms with her passing. I still think of her every day, even though im not so angry anymore, I feel like im still holding onto my grief. Is this what others have felt?
"....and was very surprised to see that he didnt actually have a recipe for anus-ankle soup." - Big Ed
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Comments

  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    I know how you feel. About nine years ago I came back to college after the Christmas holidays to be told that my best friend had died that Christmas day of Cystic Fybrosis. He'd been fine on the last day of term. We'd even exchanged Christmas presents. He got ill and died in the space of a week. It still comes back occasionally.
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,158
    Sorry for your loss and the pain that goes along with it. I, too, have experienced a sudden loss. I don't really want to delve into that too much, but I still grieve over that loss. The anger does go away, but the sadness can still be there. Mainly I try to just remember the good times and focus on the positive impact that person had on my life.
  • yellowled24yellowled24 Posts: 3,118
    markymark550 wrote:
    Sorry for your loss and the pain that goes along with it. I, too, have experienced a sudden loss. I don't really want to delve into that too much, but I still grieve over that loss. The anger does go away, but the sadness can still be there. Mainly I try to just remember the good times and focus on the positive impact that person had on my life.
    I was worried that still feeling sadness and pain over her death was abnormal. I guess, is the illustrious TEN YEARS, you know...like, its the time frame that you SHOULD get over it. My friends dont ever talk about it, so im not sure if anyone else feels like me?
    "....and was very surprised to see that he didnt actually have a recipe for anus-ankle soup." - Big Ed
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    yellowled24 wrote:
    I was worried that still feeling sadness and pain over her death was abnormal. I guess, is the illustrious TEN YEARS, you know...like, its the time frame that you SHOULD get over it. My friends dont ever talk about it, so im not sure if anyone else feels like me?

    There's no time frame. Anyway, I'm not even sure there's such thing as 'getting over it'.. you just learn to channel the feelings positively into the way you live your life.
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,158
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    There's no time frame. Anyway, I'm not even sure there's such thing as 'getting over it'.. you just learn to channel the feelings positively into the way you live your life.
    agreed 100%
  • memememe Posts: 4,695
    yellowled24 wrote:
    On April 7th, it will be ten years since a really good friend of mine was killed in a car accident.
    Who else has had to deal with a sudden loss? I was only 15 at the time, and because she was killed in a car accident, I found it harder to come to terms with her passing. I still think of her every day, even though im not so angry anymore, I feel like im still holding onto my grief. Is this what others have felt?


    I am so sorry.

    Tim O'Brien describes something similar in the last few pages of his "The Things They Carried". In a way, he describes how he coped. I recommend the book.

    She is alive in your soul, obviously. In a way, you are keeping her alive with your love, your memories and your sadness.
    ... and the will to show I will always be better than before.
  • SwanSwan Posts: 350
    yellowled24, Do you have some sort of bi-polar disorder or are you just bored?
    I'm the only Hell Mama ever raised.
  • memememe Posts: 4,695
    Swan wrote:
    yellowled24, Do you have some sort of bi-polar disorder or are you just board?

    uh?
    ... and the will to show I will always be better than before.
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    Swan wrote:
    yellowled24, Do you have some sort of bi-polar disorder or are you just board?

    Yeah, wtf?
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • SwanSwan Posts: 350
    My fault, that should’ve been “bored”. Sorry for the mix-up.
    I'm the only Hell Mama ever raised.
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    Swan wrote:
    My fault, that should’ve been “bored”. Sorry for the mix-up.

    No mix up about board/bored, but why does the OP need to be bipolar just because they're grieving for a lost friend? Do you know what bipolar is?
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • GraySaturdayGraySaturday Posts: 2,878
    I'm so sorry for your loss.. Its very hard, even though its been years, I understand this.. One of my roommates in College was killed suddenly in a car accident over spring break. She was coming home from babysitting and slipped on ice. So tragic. I don't think the pain of these things ever goes away, but hopefully the anger does. I never understand why these things happen. She was such a good person. Your friend is very lucky to have someone like you to carry her memory.
  • kenshuntkenshunt London, Ontario, Canada Posts: 2,863
    Swan wrote:
    yellowled24, Do you have some sort of bi-polar disorder or are you just bored?
    This statement makes no sense to me.
    London 2005
    Toronto 2011 night 2
    Hamilton 2011
    London 2013
  • CateetoCateeto Posts: 377
    April just isn't a good month is it? I lost someone very dear to me April 22nd, 2003 and though he was old and slowly dying, it still hit me too suddenly. I don't think there is a death in the world that is expected... At least not expected in the way we expect most things. My problem with this death in particular were the lies and manipulative ways of my mother surrounding it. This was the most important person in my life and for five or more years before he actually died, she had been holding his death over my head to guilt me into doing things her way. There was a constant fear of this man dying that I could not bear with. Naturally over time I became immune to her threats... As I would call them. When he actually began the dying process, I didn't know any better. I was afraid of the uknown situation going on around me. Worst of all... She was telling me he was dying and then on the other hand, telling me he'd be okay. You can imagine how confused my little mind was back then...

    Anyway... When he did actually die, I went insane for about two years. I didn't like people after that... A death can change a person in a great amount of ways... Sadly, most people are negatively changed from death such as this. I can't let go of that death. I don't know if it's because of how it happened, what my mother did to me (there is a lot more I can't even think to type here), or if it's because the man was so significant in my life, like a real parent. All I know is that it is a death I will never let go of and at first it haunted me in the form of brutal nightmares, messed up thoughts, and complete sorrow... But now it doesn't haunt me and I have grasped it as something of importance.... Remembering my grandfather and allowing him to be part of me.

    All I can tell you is that it is perfectly natural to cry every year... It is perfectly natural to think and hold onto this memory of your friend. Obviously they were important to you and helped mold you to be the person you are today. This is why you are so greatly affected. I can't tell you to not think of their death, because you will. I do. I can tell you to make sure that you smile and think positive when you think of them.

    Why is it that when someone dies they assume that that friendship/relationship is over? Does our heart still yearn for them? If so, how can it be completely done with? As long as you can still feel them somehow, there is no reason to let go. Take everything good from that person and let it shine from you.

    Hope that helps.
    ~Eyes are the windows to the soul~

    http://thriftstorenightmares.blogspot.com/

    http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=599947572

    ~Wild is my love~
  • CateetoCateeto Posts: 377
    Swan wrote:
    yellowled24, Do you have some sort of bi-polar disorder or are you just bored?
    That's quite a rude thing to ask.

    And not appropriate to answer on a board. Do you have advice for her or are you just going to spit out comments that you so thoroughly thought out to be "witty"?
    ~Eyes are the windows to the soul~

    http://thriftstorenightmares.blogspot.com/

    http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=599947572

    ~Wild is my love~
  • TrixieCatTrixieCat Posts: 5,756
    I am so sorry that you are still grieving. It is perfectly normal.
    I hope you are able to find some peace one day.
    Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
    And I don't feel right when you're gone away
  • SwanSwan Posts: 350
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    Do you know what bipolar is?

    yes, i do.
    I'm the only Hell Mama ever raised.
  • libragirllibragirl Posts: 4,632
    I'm sorry about your friend, I know it's hard. A Highschool friend of mine died in a car accident back in 1994 coming back from a concert. Him and his wife were both killed. I think about him a lot and what he could of done with his life.
    These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces, to tell the story, you don't need to say a word.
  • spongersponger Posts: 3,159
    Yes I do remember from Psychology of Death and Dying that the sudden incidents can be more traumatic due to your not being able to prepare yourself.

    The process of dealing with the pain of loss involves several stages. When the loss is expected, you have time to adjust to each stage.

    It sounds like you might benefit from taking an inventory of what states of mind you experienced after the loss, and possibly considering possible options for finding closure.

    If not a proper sense of closure, then maybe you would benefit from relinquishing any feelings of guilt that you might be harboring.

    good luck. I hope things eventually work out for you.
    reigning champion

    http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
  • yellowled24yellowled24 Posts: 3,118
    thankyou all so much for your posts (uh...minus one individual who wasnt much help). This is a really hard time of the year for me, its now only 3 days until the anniversary, and I will be going to her grave to pay my respects and have a chat to her.
    The thing that has made it so difficult, is that we live in a small town, and the car accident was particularly devestating and violent...the car was going about 200km/per hour when it hit the tree and it hit with so much force that the car was split in two and the front end of the car was 50 metres up the road from the back end (which she was in). An these things were blatantly broadcast around our town (amongst other rumours) and trying to grieve for a mate is hard enough without listening to all these details.
    Anyway, I will get through it, as I do every year, but its still nice to know that alot of you care enough to post some advice...
    so thanks again :)
    "....and was very surprised to see that he didnt actually have a recipe for anus-ankle soup." - Big Ed
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