Another Advice Thread, please give your opinions

yellowled24

My husband and I have been friends with a couple for a few years ( my hubby has known the guy for about ten years) and like most couples they have had their ups and downs.
However, recently the wife confided in me that she was unhappy and unsure whether she wanted to stay married, and also that she had been chatting to a guy online. She has been questioning her love for her husband and is feeling regretful that she didnt go out and get drunk alot more than she did before she was married.
She swore me to secrecy, which I did, but I told my husband as we dont keep anything from each other.
My friends husband found a message from this internet guy on his wifes phone and confronted her about it, she said it was a wrong number. The husband has been talking to my husband and is really upset and is worried his wife will leave him.
Today the husband confronted me and wanted to talk it out, see, hes been put on Anti-Depressants because hes so stressed and worried, and he needed to talk about things. I have depression so I was more than willing to help him out and give him some support.
My problem is this...now that ive seen how devestated the husband is about having these troubles, im unsure whether to tell him what I know or to keep my mouth shut. My heart is divided, as I would want to know if my spouse was chatting to another person behind my back and having second thoughts...but then again, I dont want to upset my other friend.
She has said the main reason shes unsure about leaving is she doesnt want to lose their assets and upset the kids. However, she went to a Tarot Reader and they said she will find the love of her life in ten years...and she said she was "happy cause I know I wont be stuck here forever".
What does everyone think?

GraySaturday

wow.. all I have to say is don't get involved.. these sound like problems they need to work out together and maybe with the help of a therapist. I know you're already sorta involved, but I would say, Hey, I want to be here for you, but I am also so and so's friend so I need to honor that friendship and stay mutual to you both, but let me help you find a counselor that you could both speak to.

norm

um, your friend is pretty messed up.....she wants to leave her family to go out and drink? :rolleyes:

and don't get me started on the tarot card thing.....:eek: :rolleyes:

yellowled24

cutback wrote:

um, your friend is pretty messed up.....she wants to leave her family to go out and drink? :rolleyes:

and don't get me started on the tarot card thing.....:eek: :rolleyes:

not just to go out and drink, she was a bit more specific about things like that. They have kids and she works and I think she just needs an outlet I guess. She says she doesnt know if this is all there is to life, because her husband was her "first" if you know what I mean and shes never been with anyone else, she doesnt know if theres something better out there. I know it sounds harsh, im only relaying what she said to me.
The thing that I find hardest is that I KNOW she is interested in this other guy on the internet and she keeps saying how much alike they are and they talk on the phone all the time and she emails him at work all day.
Her husband works away so theres enough of a chance to talk to this other guy while her husband isnt there.

GreenTeaDisease

I didn't get to most of the question because I stuck on the part that you were sworn to secrecy yet told your husband anyway. I'm sorry but you had NO RIGHT to do that. this woman confided in you and you betrayed her.

Cateeto

That's a real tough situation, but the best you can do is stay out of the situation. Be supportive of each part, but don't open a can of worms that might not open. Maybe your friend will come around and decide that she's just going through a hard time. Maybe not. But it is up to her to open up to her husband. It would be best for him to hear it from her.

If she actually does cheat on him though... This may be another call you will have to make.

For now though, I would say just be the friend who listens and supports each side.

Hope that helps.

Cateeto

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

I didn't get to most of the question because I stuck on the part that you were sworn to secrecy yet told your husband anyway. I'm sorry but you had NO RIGHT to do that. this woman confided in you and you betrayed her.

Well wouldn't it be betraying the husband too though if they swore not to ever keep things from one another?

Besides, people usually know that if you're married and you're told a secret, it will most likely go to their other half.

yellowled24

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

I didn't get to most of the question because I stuck on the part that you were sworn to secrecy yet told your husband anyway. I'm sorry but you had NO RIGHT to do that. this woman confided in you and you betrayed her.

Its common knowledge with ALL of the people I know that are coupled or married that you dont keep things from each other. My husband knows everything about me and who says what to me, as I do with him. Thats the part about sharing your lives, we share our LIVES..not have a higher devotion to our friends by keeping a secret from each other. Anyway, my friend knew that I would tell my husband, she meant me not to tell anyone else. She told me yesterday to make sure my husband doesnt tell her husband anything, so she is aware that he would know.
And it isnt really about that anyway, I was asking about my mates.

Vedd Hedd

Stay out of it. Like Gray said, help her find a counselor, and suggest some nice hobbies, but stay out of it.

yellowled24

Cateeto wrote:

That's a real tough situation, but the best you can do is stay out of the situation. Be supportive of each part, but don't open a can of worms that might not open. Maybe your friend will come around and decide that she's just going through a hard time. Maybe not. But it is up to her to open up to her husband. It would be best for him to hear it from her.

If she actually does cheat on him though... This may be another call you will have to make.

For now though, I would say just be the friend who listens and supports each side.

Hope that helps.

Thanks mate...I know thats the wisest thing to do, I guess my problem is I care too much and just want to be there for others. And I think she will end up telling her husband, shes just worried about her house and assets. I aske her about the kids and she said she could quite happily walk away from them, and that she understands how some mums desert their kids. I was just like "Yeah....RIGHT" :eek:

yellowled24

Vedd Hedd wrote:

Stay out of it. Like Gray said, help her find a counselor, and suggest some nice hobbies, but stay out of it.

Does having sex outside the marriage count as a hobby ?

soulsinging

yellowled24 wrote:

she went to a Tarot Reader and they said

i think your friend is a goddamn fool for basing her decision about whether or not she loves her husband from a tarot reader. you should tell her to stop sneaking around behind her husband's back and that you will not lie for her anymore. and then suggest she either come clean or get some marital counseling, preferably both. and that you thought she was too intelligent to buy into some tarot bullshit.

if she refuses and wants so badly to know what sex with another man is like, give her my email (if she's hot).

this is why you don't marry virgins. or date them. ever.

RolandTD20Kdrummer

and at what point do you tell us you're swinging with them?

Vedd Hedd

yellowled24 wrote:

Does having sex outside the marriage count as a hobby ?

Haha....yes, but not the most, um, benefical, to the marriage and all.

Stamp collecting, gardening, making pot holders with those raibow colored looms, something along those lines.

But either way, if you suggest or help, it can come back to you and you may be held responsible for the downfall of a marriage. And kiddies are involved.

Vedd Hedd

RolandTD20Kdrummer wrote:

and at what point do you tell us you're swinging with them?

thats where my thoughts were leading me too when I was first reading it.

hmm....

and soulsinging is right, as well.

yellowled24

soulsinging wrote:

i think your friend is a goddamn fool and you should tell her to stop sneaking around behind her husband's back or you will not lie for her anymore. and then suggest she either come clean or get some counseling, preferably both.

yeah, thats the thing that made me feel so uncomfortable...I was sitting there listening to her husband and I lied for her. He asked me if I knew anything about this supposed "wrong number"and I said no...that she hadnt said anything to me and that she was acting fine around me. I hate lying.

GraySaturday

yellowled24 wrote:

yeah, thats the thing that made me feel so uncomfortable...I was sitting there listening to her husband and I lied for her. He asked me if I knew anything about this supposed "wrong number"and I said no...that she hadnt said anything to me and that she was acting fine around me. I hate lying.

thats why it is best to just stay far far clear of this whole mess.. that way you don't have to lie, or worry about hurting someone. Ignorance is bliss!

yellowled24

RolandTD20Kdrummer wrote:

and at what point do you tell us you're swinging with them?

LMAO

I barely have enough time to keep my husband happy, let alone sharing it with others!!

lalalalaaaaaaaa

I would encourage the wife to do what you think is the right thing for her to do. But I would not tell the husband for her...she should be the one to do it.

soulsinging

yellowled24 wrote:

yeah, thats the thing that made me feel so uncomfortable...I was sitting there listening to her husband and I lied for her. He asked me if I knew anything about this supposed "wrong number"and I said no...that she hadnt said anything to me and that she was acting fine around me. I hate lying.

you don't have to lie. don't go so far as to say she's acting fine. you just deny knowing anything about it and leave it at that. there's a difference between lying for her and keeping her secret. by telling him everything is fine and he shouldn't be suspicious, you are lying and covering for her. you don't need to and shouldn't do that. you can simply tell him you don't know anything about it and then suggest counseling to him.

yellowled24

soulsinging wrote:

you don't have to lie. don't go so far as to say she's acting fine. you just deny knowing anything about it and leave it at that. there's a difference between lying for her and keeping her secret. by telling him everything is fine and he shouldn't be suspicious, you are lying and covering for her. you don't need to and shouldn't do that. you can simply tell him you don't know anything about it and then suggest counseling to him.[
Im trying not to make it sound so difficult, but they have already had counselling about 6 months ago when SHE was being treated for depression.
Arrgh!!
Obviously didnt fucking work!

AmentsChick

Oh nightmare. Considering there are kidlets involved, I really hope they can work things out.

Vedd Hedd

If she has depression then that may explain most of her feelings.

As far as the tarot card reading....sometimes those are like inkblots...

Like, "Hey what does that could look like to you?"

"It looks like me cheating on my husband."

yellowled24

Vedd Hedd wrote:

If she has depression then that may explain most of her feelings.

As far as the tarot card reading....sometimes those are like inkblots...

Like, "Hey what does that could look like to you?"

"It looks like me cheating on my husband."

I agree, like reading tea leaves...
"What do you see, oh noble one?"

I see some tea leaves you dumbarse!

Cateeto

Christ, she finds it easy to walk away from her kids!?

This is sad :(

Still though, as badly as it confuses you, stay a far, far away distance.

Heineken Helen

wow, this is a tough one... I certainly would not tell the husband but I think you should encourage her to do so. I would say 'if you don't tell him, I don't know how much longer I can lie for you', especially if she's just worried about the assets and not the kids :mad: .

anotherclone

I have some friends that are married and going through a rough patch. Each of them was talking to me separately about the other.

I've recenly told both of them that they need to seek counseling because I do not want to be in the middle of their "stuff" because I love them both and its too hard to remain neutral. (I think the wife is seriously fucking up, and I think the husband is in major denial about it.)

I told them that whatever they are saying to me about the other, they need to sit down and say to each other face to face because they aren't doing any good with these covert operations.

I like what Helen said about telling her that you aren't going to continue to lie for her anymore. You're giving her ample warning that you don't like the position you are in.

deadnote

just give em a hug and listen to chasing cars by snow patrol