Write your own Sports Guy column
rmc1981
Posts: 114
http://www.serioussportsnewsnetwork.com/mad-libs/sports-guy
post your column when your done. I'll post my later I had pop up blocker on, so i got to do it all over again.
post your column when your done. I'll post my later I had pop up blocker on, so i got to do it all over again.
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So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Jorge Posada had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Jimy Williams, that I dislike more than Jorge Posada. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Julio Lugo,' these two are a 'Julio Lugo.
The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. pissed! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Jorge Posada. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Ellen of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Jorge Posada caught a case of Crone's disease at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Verron Haynes on HGH.
Bish points out that the chances that Jorge Posada will come down with Crone's disease in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.
Here is what we came up with:
4. Jorge Posada receives a vicious DDT from Man-Ram in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Fleet Center.
(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when When Hulk Hogan punched the Iron Sheik in the onions? I don't even care if it was fake, that was suh-weeeet. That rivals when Remember the Titans for 'Most Inspiration Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)
3. Jorge Posada is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Brad Lidge or Dave Littlefield.
2. Jorge Posada hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Brandon Walsh and Daniel LaRusso in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.
1. Jorge Posada meets the lesbian chick from Top Chef, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'
After we finish with the conversation about Jorge Posada we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Susie Kolber is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.
Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Gabby Reese and going back to her place, only to find out that Shawn Kemp is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?
However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Risk with Calico ball gag' and 'John Kruk's Shiny Prostitutess as potential team names, we settle on 'Boston is Awesome.'
The thing that's exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that undefined but not everyone knows how to do an auction.
Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy does not have to Shopping for wallpaper, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Genesis perform songs by Charles Barkley while I flogging the donkey? Though that would be cool.)
Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a scrip club. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be hell yeah and have an extremely sore undefined after four hours.
No, the auction must be held in someone's house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Galaga arcade game, but owner B has a case of PBR. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'I'm sleeping with the mailman.' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in painting toenails, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.
I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Phil Helmuth doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the conservative of fantasy sports.
It's also like a marathon. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':
Round One-stick and move
Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Pittsburgh Pirates? Do they have a tendency toward OCD? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like souls
Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Josh Beckett, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Derek Bell.
Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Johnny Drama asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.
Round Two-Have a Sense of social work
In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your Lex Luthor-Superman in Superman moment, and you need to decide what to do.
Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $123 for Dock Ellis, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Bill Mazeroski? Or are you Wade Phillips, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.
Round Three-Moving Day
Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of the Masters. You need to shoot a six under. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less glistening, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Lindsay Lohan in a Promise keepers service.
Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Julio Lugo, you'll be okay.
Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit
By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become a mile. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the Sir of All Trivia and that is that.
In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'Fuck you, pay me' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like diahrrea, screaming incomprehensible things like Shaq and threatening to rages if they do not get their way.
Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.
'How ya like them apples?'
So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Arod had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of John Macnamara, that I dislike more than Arod. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Dustin Pedroia,' these two are a 'Dustin Pedroia.
The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. IRATE! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Arod. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Peter Griffin of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Arod caught a case of Cancer at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Maurice Carthon on Steroids.
Bish points out that the chances that Arod will come down with Cancer in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.
Here is what we came up with:
4. Arod receives a vicious Full Nelson from Manny Ramirez in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Garden.
(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when Randy the Macho Man savage beating Hulk HOgan? I don't even care if it was fake, that was STELLA. That rivals when When Teen Wolf hit the final shot of the game for 'Most Inspiration Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)
3. Arod is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Eric Gagne or Isiah Thomas.
2. Arod hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Brandon Walsh and Mr Miagi in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.
1. Arod meets Brett Michaels from Rock of love, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'
After we finish with the conversation about Arod we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Cheryl Miller is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.
Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Anna Kournacova and going back to her place, only to find out that George Forman is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?
However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Monopoly with Decorative soaps' and 'Haystack Calhoun's Shiny Black Jacks as potential team names, we settle on 'The Big Tickets.'
The thing that's exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that undefined but not everyone knows how to do an auction.
Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy does not have to Cry, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Motley Crue perform songs by BOB Yucker while I Lap Dance? Though that would be cool.)
Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a Strip Clubs. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be HELL YEA and have an extremely sore undefined after four hours.
No, the auction must be held in someone's house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Super Mario Brothers arcade game, but owner B has a case of Keystone. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'Whatever.' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in Sewing, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.
I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Phil Ivy doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the of fantasy sports.
It's also like a Running. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':
Round One-PUt em up
Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Twins? Do they have a tendency toward Liar? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like Money
Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Norman Garciapara, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Jose Conseco.
Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Johnny Drama asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.
Round Two-Have a Sense of Sociology
In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your LEX LUTHER-Supermn in SUperman COmics moment, and you need to decide what to do.
Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid Any Price for Clemens, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like David Ortiz? Or are you Bellicheck, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.
Round Three-Moving Day
Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of PGA TOUR. You need to shoot a -10. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less SEXY, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Angelina Jolie in a Johova Witness service.
Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Dustin Pedroia, you'll be okay.
Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit
By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become too freaking long. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the King of All Trivia and that is that.
In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'Go get ya shinebox' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like TNT, screaming incomprehensible things like Dennis ROdman and threatening to Yells if they do not get their way.
Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.
'ITS ALL HAPPENING'
Long enough for the clouds to fly me away
So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Arod had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of John Macnamara, that I dislike more than Arod. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Dustin Pedroia,' these two are a 'Dustin Pedroia.
The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. IRATE! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Arod. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Peter Griffin of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Arod caught a case of Cancer at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Maurice Carthon on Steroids.
Bish points out that the chances that Arod will come down with Cancer in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.
Here is what we came up with:
4. Arod receives a vicious Full Nelson from Manny Ramirez in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Garden.
(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when Randy the Macho Man savage beating Hulk HOgan? I don't even care if it was fake, that was STELLA. That rivals when When Teen Wolf hit the final shot of the game for 'Most Inspiration Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)
3. Arod is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Eric Gagne or Isiah Thomas.
2. Arod hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Brandon Walsh and Mr Miagi in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.
1. Arod meets Brett Michaels from Rock of love, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'
After we finish with the conversation about Arod we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Cheryl Miller is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.
Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Anna Kournacova and going back to her place, only to find out that George Forman is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?
However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Monopoly with Decorative soaps' and 'Haystack Calhoun's Shiny Black Jacks as potential team names, we settle on 'The Big Tickets.'
The thing that's exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that undefined but not everyone knows how to do an auction.
Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy does not have to Cry, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Motley Crue perform songs by BOB Yucker while I Lap Dance? Though that would be cool.)
Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a Strip Clubs. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be HELL YEA and have an extremely sore undefined after four hours.
No, the auction must be held in someone's house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Super Mario Brothers arcade game, but owner B has a case of Keystone. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'Whatever.' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in Sewing, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.
I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Phil Ivy doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the of fantasy sports.
It's also like a Running. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':
Round One-PUt em up
Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Twins? Do they have a tendency toward Liar? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like Money
Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Norman Garciapara, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Jose Conseco.
Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Johnny Drama asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.
Round Two-Have a Sense of Sociology
In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your LEX LUTHER-Supermn in SUperman COmics moment, and you need to decide what to do.
Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid Any Price for Clemens, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like David Ortiz? Or are you Bellicheck, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.
Round Three-Moving Day
Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of PGA TOUR. You need to shoot a -10. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less SEXY, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Angelina Jolie in a Johova Witness service.
Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Dustin Pedroia, you'll be okay.
Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit
By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become too freaking long. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the King of All Trivia and that is that.
In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'Go get ya shinebox' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like TNT, screaming incomprehensible things like Dennis ROdman and threatening to Yells if they do not get their way.
Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.
'ITS ALL HAPPENING'
Long enough for the clouds to fly me away
somthin funny goin on over here!
Long enough for the clouds to fly me away
At least it was a short post