Breaking someone's heart
DOSW
Posts: 2,014
Well I broke someone's heart for the first time in my life yesterday... my girlfriend of 5 months. She's back at home, and I'm here at college (2 hours away) and I just started growing apart from her. She loved me so much, more than anything, but I just wasn't quite on that same level. It hurt. She'd tell me "I love you" and when I'd say it back, it made me cringe because I knew I was lying. I really like her, but I just don't "love" her. It was rough.... she just wasn't right for me, I knew, but she thought I was the perfect guy for her.
So yesterday I told her that being apart wasn't fair to both of us... that seeing each other every other weekend and feeling miserable the rest of the time just isn't how it was supposed to be. So I ended it. We talked for three hours and she cried and cried and cried, and made me cry in turn. She talked about how I was all she had and how without me she wouldn't have anything. I felt horrible. She kept pleading for me to take her back and I just wanted to say "you know what, nevermind, let's stay together" but I just couldn't. I didn't tell her that I didn't love her... I just said that the distance wasn't fair for both of us and there's no way it would ever get easier.
So yeah, now I feel like a piece of shit. I pretty much ruined her life for what's going to be weeks or months. And I know how that feels, which is why it hurts so much for me. Now she's calling me and leaving messages that I should call her. I don't know what to do... I said last night that I'd keep talking to her but I feel like that would just make it harder in the long run. But I don't want to be a liar and go back on my word about talking to her.
Blech. On Election Day of all days... the day I've been looking forward to for months. Kinda puts a damper on the "fired up and ready to go" spirit.
Does anyone have ANY advice? I just need something.
So yesterday I told her that being apart wasn't fair to both of us... that seeing each other every other weekend and feeling miserable the rest of the time just isn't how it was supposed to be. So I ended it. We talked for three hours and she cried and cried and cried, and made me cry in turn. She talked about how I was all she had and how without me she wouldn't have anything. I felt horrible. She kept pleading for me to take her back and I just wanted to say "you know what, nevermind, let's stay together" but I just couldn't. I didn't tell her that I didn't love her... I just said that the distance wasn't fair for both of us and there's no way it would ever get easier.
So yeah, now I feel like a piece of shit. I pretty much ruined her life for what's going to be weeks or months. And I know how that feels, which is why it hurts so much for me. Now she's calling me and leaving messages that I should call her. I don't know what to do... I said last night that I'd keep talking to her but I feel like that would just make it harder in the long run. But I don't want to be a liar and go back on my word about talking to her.
Blech. On Election Day of all days... the day I've been looking forward to for months. Kinda puts a damper on the "fired up and ready to go" spirit.
Does anyone have ANY advice? I just need something.
It's a town full of losers and I'm pulling out of here to win
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If you don't love her, do not get back together with her.
Call her if you want to, but don't go back on it now.
I know it was hard, but now you and she can move on and find someone that is right for you.
P.S. Don't call her, it makes it harder for her. TRUST ME. I was with someone for 2 years, my college boyfriend and my "first love". After he broke my heart he kept calling me and wanted to be "just friends" (not possible)...and it literally tortured me for months...I kept up the hope that maybe he still would come back.
Be prepared for her to not like you for a while (I don't want to say "hate you", but she'll probably feel that way at some point).
If you want to be friends, let her come to you when she's ready to be friends with you. I would advise you not to call her too often, lest you send her mixed signals.
http://www.myspace.com/brain_of_c
Definitely the best solution. She'll move on before you know it.
i dunno. i think it is possible. my boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me because he felt we were growing apart and everything... since then he's still my best friend and we talk all the time even though he's dating a new guy and i'm seeing someone else. i dunno. i think it just depends on the kinda relationship you really have with that person. if there's only the "relationship" part of it and not enough of being friends, i can see how trying to maintain a friendship later is difficult if not impossible. but in my case we just know each other so well and relate to one another better than anyone else and it keeps us close even living far away from each other. just my opinion on the subject.
to the original poster, i would give the girl some time before you call her if you do plan on maintaining a friendship. she's going to need some time for the distinction between being together and being friends to set in. but after that i think you can be friends with her if you want to. just watch the kind of signals you might be giving her, if she is still in love with you.
dude.. your posts make me laugh out loud more than anyone else on here:D they're so concise and to the point.
That may have worked for you...but in this case, considering how upset and heartbroken he said she is I REALLY don't think them hanging out right now would be a good thing. It certainly wasn't for me when I went through it. It took me an entire summer to get over him (of course I did lose 30 lbs that summer!).
She called me 3 times today and left messages crying and saying that she doesn't have anyone to talk to but me and that I should call her back. It's heartbreaking. I don't want to get back together... honestly, I think it would be best if I didn't talk to her for a while, let things settle, and then talk as friends. But I feel like I can't just leave her in the dust without any calls when she calls me crying like this.
It's not like I didn't like being around her... I did... but it got to the point where she started feeling almost like a weight, and I didn't want to see things get any worse. I can't shake the feeling that I ended it prematurely though... that's the worst part. I knew ending it would be inevitable, which is why I did it before things got worse, but still. Ugh.
personally, i would stay away. at most, maybe call once and let her know you care, but that it's for the best that you don't stay in contact, at least for now. you did the RIGHT thing. it may hurt her now, but it would hurt even more down the road, more time invested, yet same outcome. far too many people keep far too many relationships going FAR too long in 'fear' of 'hurting' their partner. no, sorry...wrong. to be blunt, it's b/c they are too pussy to do the right thing, make the tough call, cut em loose. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. now stick with your decision. in the long run, you'll BOTH be happier. and, if you two do still want to be friends later on, cool...if not, cool too.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
Strangely enough, we patched things up after a few months and now we are even closer than before in a lot ways.
But back to the original post: My friend and I loved each other and that's the difference between us and your situation. If you don't love her you've got to let her go
They say every sin is deadly but I believe they may be wrong...I'm guilty of all seven and I don't feel too bad at all
why are you the ONLY person she has? obviously this isn't the case but she wants to make you feel that she's absolutely destitute without you. the thing is you can't guilt someone into loving you. she's gonna be hurt and sad but its not a good idea to back this train up unless thats how you really feel too. which you obviously don't.
believe me.. she's trying to guilt you into loving her. she's just really lost and sad right now and hurting.. but the more hope you give her the longer it takes to really heal. let her cry and moan and complain and then in a couple of weeks let her be angry and then let her move on
hey man not to make light of your situation,
but we're only talking 5 months here.
Bertter now than later.
Can you imagine the pain the both of you would be feeling if it were 5 years ?
That it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive
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what you do is up to you but i think it would be best to tell her to find someone else and not to speak with her for at least mmm....few months or so. it might be harsh tactics but in the end it will be good for her, she will move on with her life and find someone else.
I don't know. She does have friends but she doesn't hang around with them too much since I came into her life. She mostly sits around in her house, miserable, waiting for me to come home from college. Hopefully now that I'm gone she'll be more open to hang out with them eventually... she's said that when she's single, she can be independent, but when she's with someone, it's impossible to be independent... so I'm hoping that she'll learn to be independent now that she's single and have more of a social life.
I think I'm gonna call her after classes are done and let her know that I think it's best we don't talk for a while. That's going to be horrible, but it needs to be done.
I thought I did love her for a while during our relationship. I said "I love you" and I meant it. But then eventually I grew apart from her, but I couldn't just stop saying it when she says it to me first, you know? It's tough.
And yes to your last sentence.
that's just silly i'll never trade my true friends or my music for some ......erm dick hehe, i.e for a boyfriend.
ok, i see now
well these are her issues.. not yours. girls who drop thier friends like bad habits need to see that eventually you will need those friends back. if she can't function without you then she needs a little reality check. she should be independent and standing on her own two feet to even think of being in a relationship. and she needs to learn who she is.
i think its really sweet though that you care so much. its so hard to rip someone's life apart.. and we can all look at it objectively cause we aren't actively going through it. i know you feel wretched but in the long run this is what you want and what you need. plus i'm a firm believer in experiencing and enjoying college to its fullest... otherwise stay home and save your money.
I couldn't agree more. And, I also agree with AllIAm that she's trying to guilt you into loving her. My best advice? GIVE HER ROOM. DON'T TALK TO HER. She'll survive. I did...and I became SOOOOOOOO much stronger afterwards. In all honesty, that breakup was one of best things to happen to me. I grew more that summer and got to analyze what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship.
tis true my love.. its like they say in fight club "what can you truly know about yourself if you've never been in a fight".. well its the same for break ups. overdramatics and "you are the only person i have" would only push you farther away i would imagine. not to mention.. if you are college age.. there will plenty more gents to come and go.. plenty more ladies for you too. but don't ever let yourself be somebody's everything. thats where the unhealthy relationship starts
that's what hurts the most. at least it did for me knowing what i know now.
amen!
but, you did the right thing, to keep progressing with this, you'd end up resenting one another ...
as far as calling you ... you need to create space ... immediately. For the both of you. It's not healty to rehash the same thing over and over and over ... if this is indeed final, start to create some distance. She needs to start to let go and find others to lean on.
My only suggestion next time ... don't blame it on the distance when it wasn't the distance ... it's probably why she's still calling you ... and, you never know when that might spur the "ok, I'll move closer to you" discussion ... be gentle, but, be honest.
"I don't believe in damn curses. Wake up the damn Bambino and have me face him. Maybe I'll drill him in the ass." --- Pedro Martinez
What is her email addy?
Hmmmm......anyway, the one thing I can tell you is, yes you did the right thing. And don't ever forget that.