advice - family member w cancer

robowski

My mother-in-law is dying with lung cancer (smoked for 40 years) and I am having a hard time sympathizing with her situation. It's not that I don't like her (i do) - She is only 58 years old and the doctors have given her maybe a month to live. Am I selfish to to feel like she is ruining our families lives?
All I do is either spend my free time at the hospital or trying to comfort my wife and daughter. It seems like we can't ever do anything. I haven't been out of town for months and can't do anything I enjoy anymore (just work and sleep and hospital).My wife and I went out to dinner a few months ago for like two hours and the cellphone rang over and over again. I feel like I'm trapped in a cage because of her mistake (smoking). And i'm jealous of her taking my wife from me and putting my marriage in jeopardy.

I have this anymosity towards her for smoking for all those years and she has no remorse towards the family what so ever - she has been stubborn and short with the whole family. She refuses to accept hospice care for herself and has not been willing to accept her own death (made no peace with god).
Not only that she told the doctors to keep her alive at all costs - she says she would be a vegetable on life support forever if she could.

I see some serious unresolved issues here - this person wants to make her family miserable in a trying time. I am so tired of her treating us this way - we didn't force her to smoke and have been nothing but good to her. The family is having a hard time letting her go and my wife is doing everything possible for her like she can save her or something. My wife is nearing a nervous breakdown from such a heavy burden and I think that if her death is drawn out it will devastate the entire family even more. This is torture to my marriage right now - it has been on eggshells for over a year thanks to her situation. I hope we can survive it - but my wife is constantly becoming more irritable towards me and i have done nothing wrong. I feel like she is taking out her frustration with the lack of support from the rest of her mother's family (they all smoke and have seldom called or even visited).

Sorry to vent - but i needed an outlet. Looking for some advice on how to handle this or just some words of inspiration from friends. All i can do is pray and try to make things work, but everything lately seems to be horrible. I lost my grandmother a few weeks ago and this along with the strain on my marriage is nearly unbearable.



See you in Columbia - June 16th!

Peace
Rob

As you live your life in sometimes quiet desperation, facing adversity and tragedy: if you have hope and love, that mixture helps you overcome that tragedy and go on with the rest of your life.

--Jack Lengyel

josevolution

my mother in law passed away back in december of 07 from lung cancer it does suck but for you to have anger for someone who will die soon ,you come off as very selfish you have every right to be concerned with how you wife is acting but do remember that the person who is suffering is her mother just try to be supportive of your wife and of her mother ,now that my mother in law is no longer here i miss her a ton ....have compassion .......

spankyMP

sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. hang in there. it really does sound like there are some very deep issues there and i am hesitant to comment because they really are very personal issues for you and your family.

what i will say is that a little less than a year ago my mother had a heart attack, she laid on the couch all night and wouldnt let my father call 911, she thought she was just having pain from something else. next day, i get a call at work that this all happened, the ambulance was there, she had to go for emergency surgery and had a pretty serious heart attack and 90% blockage. TURNS OUT THE HEART ATTACK WAS CAUSED BY HER 30 YEARS OF SMOKING. she stayed in the hospital for a week. three weeks later my dad went in the hospital and he was there for about a month, while he was in the hospital my mother was still recovering, all my siblings live further away, so i was the one getting the calls and checking up on them. dad comes home for like three days, goes back to the hospital for another three weeks and while he is there my mother falls in the house and i have to rush her to the emergency room because she is on blood thinners. i was there all night and between work and all of the medical issues it was really taking a toll. i got frustrated, but its family and its not that you "have to" but you just do it. thankfully everyone is fine now, although my mom just told me yesterday that she fell again, ugggggh!!!

hang in there, it sucks now, but you will make it through and belive it or not things like this do sometimes bring people closer. best of luck.

catwoman

I'm so sorry about your situation. I don't think your feelings are unusual. Of course it's frustrating to watch the toll & stress on your wife, and, to top it all off, you're feeling guilty that you're having these feelings. Even though your mother-in-law is refusing hospice, can you talk to one of the hospice counselors? They are trained to talk to family members as well as provide care to the dying person. Maybe you & your wife could go together to talk it out.

spankyMP

josevolution wrote:

my mother in law passed away back in december of 07 from lung cancer it does suck but for you to have anger for someone who will die soon ,you come off as very selfish you have every right to be concerned with how you wife is acting but do remember that the person who is suffering is her mother just try to be supportive of your wife and of her mother ,now that my mother in law is no longer here i miss her a ton ....have compassion .......

i think it is unfair to say he is coming off as selfish. it is a very personal situation that is frustrating and he is saying that it is really putting a strain on his marriage, which is perfectly understandable. in a situation like that you will go through a range of emotions....pain, anger, resentment, grief etc. they all get mixed up together because you are so tired, upset and emotional. i was pissed off that my mother had a heart attack due to smoking, i was telling her to quit when i was a kid and she refused. i was pissed off that she laid in bed all night while her heart was shutting down, but now she is okay. at the time you arent really thinking clearly, you are panicking, you dont sleep well, every time the phone rings you get a pit in your stomach and to top it all off the doctors dont go out of there way to comfort family members or give them a great deal of info. to judge someone for having a difficult time dealing with a VERY DIFFICULT situation in their life is very disrespectful.

to the OP, hang in there, its going to be tough and you will do what you need to do, just continue to be supportive of your wife and i hope you will be able to stick together through this.

spankyMP

catwoman wrote:

I'm so sorry about your situation. I don't think your feelings are unusual. Of course it's frustrating to watch the toll & stress on your wife, and, to top it all off, you're feeling guilty that you're having these feelings. Even though your mother-in-law is refusing hospice, can you talk to one of the hospice counselors? They are trained to talk to family members as well as provide care to the dying person. Maybe you & your wife could go together to talk it out.

my wife is in the nursing field and unfortunately people can refuse any kind of care at any time. its unfortunate, but health care professionals can not treat anyone who refuses care.

catwoman

I think we all have conflicting emotions during difficult times. It's not selfish to have these feelings. It's human to have them. I think it's brave of him to be so honest.

Indian Summer

I work in cancer care, and still to this day don't understand why some people do not want Hospice care. Dying comfortable in your own home away from the hospital is the way I want to go....keep your life support machines away from me!

I understand where you are coming from. Just be supportive to your family. She'll pass and things will get back to normal over time. I think its selfish on your mother-in-laws part to want to drag this out with life support devices.....which won't do much for her anyway. Even if your hooked up to a respirator, if your entire lung is overgrown with cancer, she's still gonna die, may buy her an extra hour or day or so.

Good luck bro, hang in there. Better to vent on here, than blow up at your family and regret it later.

catwoman

spankyMP wrote:

my wife is in the nursing field and unfortunately people can refuse any kind of care at any time. its unfortunate, but health care professionals can not treat anyone who refuses care.

Can't Robowski talk to the hospice workers? I agree that if his mother-in-law is refusing services, there's nothing that they can do.

josevolution

spankyMP wrote:

i think it is unfair to say he is coming off as selfish. it is a very personal situation that is frustrating and he is saying that it is really putting a strain on his marriage, which is perfectly understandable. in a situation like that you will go through a range of emotions....pain, anger, resentment, grief etc. they all get mixed up together because you are so tired, upset and emotional. to judge someone for having a difficult time dealing with a VERY DIFFICULT situation in their life is very disrespectful.

to the OP, hang in there, its going to be tough and you will do what you need to do, just continue to be supportive of your wife and i hope you will be able to stick together through this.

i wen't thru a very similar situation so yeah i shouldn have called him selfish but he did ask for an opinion on that term ,when you are about to losse a family member you have to give your self up to the one's that are most affected by the situation, again i too lost a mother in law to lung cancer but i choose to be supportive in every aspect that was required from me ....peace

bacoj

My mother-in-law passed away from Cancer in 02. I spent a lot of time with my wife and her family but did feel a little trapped and that might be why. I was managing a band at the time and we were set to release our first studio album at a show on Devil's Night. I chose to be at the show for the CD release party and not with my wife and her mother out of state during her last few days. I found out the next day that she had passed and I felt horrible for not being with my wife in such a dificult time. I have never lived that down in my own heart and mind. I had felt the need to get space but in the end the most important thing was to be there whenever you can for anyone, especially your wife, in a time of need. I wasn't and I have to live with that forever. Just my story and view on your situation. I hope things work out for you.

Indian Summer

catwoman wrote:

Can't Robowski talk to the hospice workers? I agree that if his mother-in-law is refusing services, there's nothing that they can do.

He can't do anything unless he's the power of attorney. They legally can't even discuss her situation with them when she's not present.

spankyMP

catwoman wrote:

Can't Robowski talk to the hospice workers? I agree that if his mother-in-law is refusing services, there's nothing that they can do.

absolutely he can speak to them, but do you mean in an attempt for them to coerce her into entering hospice or for him to discuss his feelings? i dont know that a hospice worker would try to "convince" someone to enter when they clearly dont want to. again im sure he can talk to them, but nowadays with HIPAA laws its very hard to get information even for family members. we felt like we needed to go to medical school so we would have the right questions to ask the doctors, because they arent volunteering any information.

many people dont realize problems with our health care system until they get thrust into a difficult situation.

spankyMP

josevolution wrote:

i wen't thru a very similar situation so yeah i shouldn have called him selfish but he did ask for an opinion on that term ,when you are about to losse a family member you have to give your self up to the one's that are most affected by the situation, again i too lost a mother in law to lung cancer but i choose to be supportive in every aspect that was required from me ....peace

i understand completely, which is why after reading the OP i chose not to comment about his specific feelings during his personal situation. i wasn't trying to call you out or anything. no hard feelings.

DocChicago

Your mother-in-law sounds like a miserable person, but she's only going to be around for another month. The best thing to do is suck it up and give up your month in an effort to keep supporting your wife.

josevolution

spankyMP wrote:

i understand completely, which is why after reading the OP i chose not to comment about his specific feelings during his personal situation. i wasn't trying to call you out or anything. no hard feelings.

me neither i hope he can find peace for him and his wife ,so no hard feelings from me, situations like these are so freaking stressfull i feel for the man ......

nowayimfaithfull

understand that 40 years ago things were differant, people were not as educated than. I mean just recently they banned smiking on airplanes, and resturaunts, its been like 2 years. I think back now, I would walk out of a resturaunt now it the person was smoking next to me. It kills me.
If you do not start sympathizing with this situation it may haunt you when its over.
Death sucks, and its your wifes mom, show some sypthany, dont walk onhigher groung, just hope people are learning from it.
good luck

catwoman

spanky (& indian summer) -- I didn't mean for him to talk to the hospice workers about his mother-in-law's care or to try to figure out a way to force her into hospice. I meant for him to talk to hospice about his feelings, and how he could cope with the conflicting feelings that he's having about this situation. Yes, I know HIPAA makes it difficult for family members to get information, but sometimes family members need help themselves. As wonderfully supportive as these posts have been, I think that he may need to talk to a health care professional who has the training to support a family member through this type of crisis. We can certainly all lend a sympathetic ear, but I think the real advice on how he can cope should come from a profesional.

spankyMP

catwoman wrote:

spanky (& indian summer) -- I didn't mean for him to talk to the hospice workers about his mother-in-law's care or to try to figure out a way to force her into hospice. I meant for him to talk to hospice about his feelings, and how he could cope with the conflicting feelings that he's having about this situation. Yes, I know HIPAA makes it difficult for family members to get information, but sometimes family members need help themselves. As wonderfully supportive as these posts have been, I think that he may need to talk to a health care professional who has the training to support a family member through this type of crisis. We can certainly all lend a sympathetic ear, but I think the real advice on how he can cope should come from a profesional.

absolutely, but sometimes its easier to post on a message board then sit down with a stranger face to face and pour out your feelings. especially for us guys. either way he is looking for advice and i have no problem offering some.

writersu

wow. This is is so loaded so I will truly try to condense.

First of all, yes, I understand the stress you feel. I had my father die of lung cancer 14 years ago and then my exhusband's father died a year later of the same thing. Very different endings to the same disease. So, take the breaks from the craziness, drama, sadness and the death when you can so that you can still see the beauty of life and the necessity you are are learning, albeit the difficult way, viewing death first hand and seeing that you need to make every minute count. In every way that may leave you satisfied with your own life. There is beauty among the pain. There always is.

Second, in regard to your mother in law, 2 things come to mind......

1) is to treat her as if she doesn't have cancer all you can. That doesn't mean to treat her coldly, I just mean thay I think that people who are ill are always hearing, "how do you feel?" and it is impossible for them to take a physical or mental break from the disease they suffer, as everyone else in their lives are more able to, so if you can take a little time to ask about the other things she might have loved to do in her life, that will help perhaps.

2) also, bear in mind that this woman has been told when she will die. I cannot wrap my mind around that and it freaks me out like crazy. That would be so hard to deal with. So hard. So, if you can do the taking care of yourself and tried number one as best you can, please try to put yourself in her shoes, and think how it would be to know you were dying. compassion is priceless.

that all said, pm me if you feel comfortable doing so. losing two of the main men in the family a year apart has given me some insight to the reality of what you are going through.

I hope the above helps..........

stargirl69

Don't know if this is related but...My sister had breast cancer 8 years ago.While in hospital she was sharing a room with a woman who had secondary breast cancer and had undergone a double masectomy and full hysterectomy.She was also facing a year of chemotherapy and radiotherapy.The woman was incredibly ill.
The following week while visiting my sister the woman was sitting outside the hospital still hooked up to a portable oxygen and drip.She was drawing on a cigarette like it was giving her life.I was so fucking outraged.
Thousands had been spent on treatment for her recovery but she was arrogant enough to feel it was her right to continue to smoke despite being very ill.
I know smoking is an addiction (blah,blah,blah) but I just felt sick at the thought of what was done for her and by continuing to smoke was just disregarding the treatment that was planned to attempt to save her life.
Surely personal responsibilty has got to kick in at sometime.There's something wrong when all that can be done is being done but a person still continues to flaunt their habits without thinking,"hang on maybe I should rethink this smoking thing".
I'm glad I'm not an oncologist.I would be refusing treatment to people who did not change their cancer risking habits through smoking,diet etc.

Allie

robowski wrote:

My mother-in-law is dying with lung cancer (smoked for 40 years) and I am having a hard time sympathizing with her situation. It's not that I don't like her (i do) - She is only 58 years old and the doctors have given her maybe a month to live. Am I selfish to to feel like she is ruining our families lives?
All I do is either spend my free time at the hospital or trying to comfort my wife and daughter. It seems like we can't ever do anything. I haven't been out of town for months and can't do anything I enjoy anymore (just work and sleep and hospital).My wife and I went out to dinner a few months ago for like two hours and the cellphone rang over and over again. I feel like I'm trapped in a cage because of her mistake (smoking). And i'm jealous of her taking my wife from me and putting my marriage in jeopardy.

I have this anymosity towards her for smoking for all those years and she has no remorse towards the family what so ever - she has been stubborn and short with the whole family. She refuses to accept hospice care for herself and has not been willing to accept her own death (made no peace with god).
Not only that she told the doctors to keep her alive at all costs - she says she would be a vegetable on life support forever if she could.

I see some serious unresolved issues here - this person wants to make her family miserable in a trying time. I am so tired of her treating us this way - we didn't force her to smoke and have been nothing but good to her.

My stepfather died of non-hodgkins lymphoma in a hospice, 10 yrs ago on Thanksgiving day

and my Grandmother died at 80 of lung cancer and emphysema, 5 months after that.

Would you feel less animosity if she had a 'cancer' that wasn't 'her own fault' to have? Would you be mad if she had a car accident?

People didn't know it would cause cancer 40 yrs ago, and it's an addiction.
yI will say this, caretaking is very difficult. My mother broke her leg last summer and I was literally forced to take care of her. And my father had a car accident and he is in a nursing home that I have to go to every week, and help take care of my brother who is also ill. By myself.

It gets difficult and stressful. It is difficult for all family members involved. But some of your animosity, imo, comes off as self absorbed.

The marriage vows include for better or for worse.

I would be so grateful to have a spouse. Who's alive, and healthy. I'm single. I would love to have somebody that could give me a hug at the end of the day and say, baby, it's going to be ok.

PJaddicted

DocChicago wrote:

Your mother-in-law sounds like a miserable person, but she's only going to be around for another month. The best thing to do is suck it up and give up your month in an effort to keep supporting your wife.

I agree with this. She is your wifes mother....no matter how you feel about her, this isn't about you....your wife needs you now and will for a very long time after her mother passes away. You should keep your feelings to yourself while around her family and vent with your own support network, like your parents, friends, siblings. In the last couple of years I have lost no less then a dozen friends and family from that dreaded disease...none of them had lung cancer from smoking...they all just got cancer. It is an awful, horrible painful death....and no one deserves to die that way.

oxc

urbanhippie

It's hard.
My mum was ill about 5 years ago and for a while we thought we were going to lose her. My baby was 6 weeks old and when I was at the hospital I felt guilty for not being with him and when I was at home I felt guilty for not being with my mum. It was crippling and it nearly broke me.
I leaned on my then husband in many ways. I needed both practical and emotional support. I hope that whatever feelings you have for your mother in law, you can be there for your wife and family. It's her that needs you after all. You're not doing this for your mother in law, when alls said and done, she's beyond any help you can give her.
I hope you and your wife find the strength in each other to get through this together. You are the ones that will still be here when its all over.

yellowled24

bacoj wrote:

My mother-in-law passed away from Cancer in 02. I spent a lot of time with my wife and her family but did feel a little trapped and that might be why. I was managing a band at the time and we were set to release our first studio album at a show on Devil's Night. I chose to be at the show for the CD release party and not with my wife and her mother out of state during her last few days. I found out the next day that she had passed and I felt horrible for not being with my wife in such a dificult time. I have never lived that down in my own heart and mind. I had felt the need to get space but in the end the most important thing was to be there whenever you can for anyone, especially your wife, in a time of need. I wasn't and I have to live with that forever. Just my story and view on your situation. I hope things work out for you.

thats rough man :( but theres a lesson in that for everyone isnt there?

APlasticNation

Watch the video G.Edward.Griffin-World.Without.Cancer-The.Story.of.Vitamin.B.17 you can download it through the file sharing programs. You may not believe in this kind of stuff but it is really eye opening and what else is there to lose?

Good Luck

justjoshingu

everyone handles it differently. i understand how you feel. i know you cant tell anyone because they will think poorly of you. the only thing i can say, is dont think of yourself right now how you feel.

think . i am myself in 15 years. how do i feel about the last amount of time i spent with mom. when my grandma died, she had been sick and for her she felt it was a relief she was going to die. but everyone in my moms family started a family war and it took her about a month to actually pass. i just remember thinking "cant she just die so that the family can go away" i knew it was selfish, but it was taking such a huge toll on me and my mom.
the thing that makes everything so tough is the lack of sleep. that puts everyone on edge and makes everything exponentially worse. if you can, just get a good full nights rest. a nice lunch. some time to yourself. and i guarantee you will feel better about your mom.

and dont let anyone tell you what you are feeling isnt normal.
there are many stages of grief. and everyone progresses to them at a different rate or skip some altogether.