Unconditional Love

gobrowns19

When a parent says this to a child laying in bed, getting tucked in at night, it's reassuring, saying 'I will always love you no matter what'. That's always been my understanding of that term, phrase, whatever you want to call it. I have a friend who's parents couldn't be any nicer, but his younger brother still continues to be terrible to them. That and other things got me thinking, can telling a child that you will love them no matter what make them think they can get away with anything and know they will still have a warm loving family? How does a child get to that point?

norm

i can be angry/disappointed etc with my child yet still love him/her....

Stone Is God

gobrowns19 wrote:

When a parent says this to a child laying in bed, getting tucked in at night, it's reassuring, saying 'I will always love you no matter what'. That's always been my understanding of that term, phrase, whatever you want to call it. I have a friend who's parents couldn't be any nicer, but his younger brother still continues to be terrible to them. That and other things got me thinking, can telling a child that you will love them no matter what make them think they can get away with anything and know they will still have a warm loving family? How does a child get to that point?

Loving your child means giving them discpline and teaching them that there is certain way to act twards other people. You have to teach them that there are consequences for the wrong actions/choices in life.

You're job as a parent is to teach them how to be good humans and you can't do that by kissing their ass when they do something wrong. You have to let them know that from the begining.

gobrowns19

cutback wrote:

i can be angry/disappointed etc with my child yet still love him/her....

Yeah, I know, I'm asking more on the part of the child. How do they get to the point where they can call their parents terrible names to their faces and threaten to hit their own siblings? Would that be any different if they knew, or at least thought, that someone might not love them if they did something? Yeah it's a safety net and it makes you feel comfortable, but why would someone take advantage of that?

I think about my friends mom all the time, she is the sweetest person.

Jeanie

I think unconditional love is when you love someone DESPITE the shitful things they do. It's when you don't really have a say in it, you love them anyway.

Kids stuff up for all kinds of reasons and parents get sick and tired of it too, I'm guessing but it doesn't stop them loving their child. Even murderers and rapists have families that love them even though they don't agree with what they've done.

norm

gobrowns19 wrote:

Yeah, I know, I'm asking more on the part of the child. How do they get to the point where they can call their parents terrible names to their faces and threaten to hit their own siblings? Would that be any different if they knew, or at least thought, that someone might not love them if they did something? Yeah it's a safety net and it makes you feel comfortable, but why would someone take advantage of that?

read stone is god's post...i think your answer is there

mnicole22

I love my kids unconditionally. Love is not a reward for good behavior. It is love and it is pure. So I guess my answer is no.

If my kids decide to make horrible choices when they get older, I will do everything in my power to guide them. That is my job. If they continue on with those choices they may lose my support, but never my love.

OffHeGoes29

Does it go both ways? Can a person still love their parents even though they (the parent(s)) did some shitty things when they were growing up?

mnicole22

OffHeGoes29 wrote:

Does it go both ways? Can a person still love their parents even though they (the parent(s)) did some shitty things when they were growing up?

no. thats different. imo

Cosmo

gobrowns19 wrote:

When a parent says this to a child laying in bed, getting tucked in at night, it's reassuring, saying 'I will always love you no matter what'. That's always been my understanding of that term, phrase, whatever you want to call it. I have a friend who's parents couldn't be any nicer, but his younger brother still continues to be terrible to them. That and other things got me thinking, can telling a child that you will love them no matter what make them think they can get away with anything and know they will still have a warm loving family? How does a child get to that point?

...
There are guys who were caught in the act of cutting up a prostitute while on crystal meth after burning down their parent's house from the explosion that was the result of him, blowing up a police car... and the mom and dad still love them.
They can still love the sorry sonovabitch... and want his ass in jail.
...
and to answer your question... The kid gets that way from being a prick.

Jeanie

OffHeGoes29 wrote:

Does it go both ways? Can a person still love their parents even though they (the parent(s)) did some shitty things when they were growing up?

Yep. Absolutely.

gobrowns19

Thanks for the responses. Really the point I was trying to make was would someone act differently if trying to impress someone. I think yeah, but I think that child would have far worse problems trying to impress their parents then they would being loved unconditionally.

Jeremy1012

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzNWAjKiAPY&feature=related

OffHeGoes29

Jeanie wrote:

Yep. Absolutely.

Thats a hard one to figure out.

catefrances

OffHeGoes29 wrote:

Thats a hard one to figure out.

sometimes people we love do shit that makes us not like them. doesnt change the fact that we love them. love is giving and not expecting anything in return. you love because you feel it and cause its what you 'want' to do. there should never be any obligation on either side.

gobrowns19

Jeremy1012 wrote:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzNWAjKiAPY&feature=related

Never really listened to the man but he's definitely true to himself, and that genre is may be the hardest to do that. I do respect the hell out of him.

gobrowns19

catefrances wrote:

sometimes people we love do shit that makes us not like them. doesnt change the fact that we love them. love is giving and not expecting anything in return. you love because you feel it and cause its what you 'want' to do. there should never be any obligation on either side.

This is a very good post, and the type i was looking for. I had a teacher tell me close to the same thing and that's how i've always felt, to love is to give and be happy giving it, where you can't help but give that. It's not how someone can make you feel.

But it's nice to know that that person loves you back too. Like the child returning or reciprocating that to the parent.

Makes me think of the Neil Young song Love and Only Love, off one of my favorite albums of all time- "Love and only love-will endure-hate is everything-you think it is."

Jeanie

OffHeGoes29 wrote:

Thats a hard one to figure out.

Most family interaction and dynamic has its moments.

Some people are able to recognize how it all works and then enjoy the benefit of improved relationships with their family and some aren't.

It's a give and take thing I think.

Sometimes when you're a kid, your parents are just big kids too and they make mistakes. I'm not one to need to flay mine in boiling oil for theirs, they don't do it to me.

I don't know, maybe it just gets easier as you get older or perhaps I have just been lucky? Either way, things were truly shitful for many years and now they are not. I'm just gonna enjoy the happy while I can.

But you're right, it's really difficult to work through and figure out.

sponger

...is critical to the proper development of self-esteem, and a strong sense of self-esteem is the cornerstone of moral decision-making in spite of what the religious right might have to say about that.

The opposite, which is conditional love, promulgates the belief that our self-worth is determined by the approval of others. That is, if our parents base their love on a system of approval and denial, then our self-esteem -being improperly developed- will cause us to seek approval from other sources.

This is the basis for Obedience Theory, which is believed to have been at the heart of the holocaust. That is, non-homocidal german soldiers were able to carry out horrific acts of genocide because they succumbed to their inner desire to obey a "perceived greater authority."

gobrowns19

sponger wrote:

...is critical to the proper development of self-esteem, and a strong sense of self-esteem is the cornerstone of moral decision-making in spite of what the religious right might have to say about that.

The opposite, which is conditional love, promulgates the belief that our self-worth is determined by the approval of others. That is, if our parents base their love on a system of approval and denial, then our self-esteem -being improperly developed- will cause us to seek approval from other sources.

This is the basis for Obedience Theory, which is believed to have been at the heart of the holocaust. That is, non-homocidal german soldiers were able to carry out horrific acts of genocide because they succumbed to their inner desire to obey a "perceived greater authority."

That's very interesting and thought provoking.

AnnaMelinda

Jeanie wrote:

Even murderers and rapists have families that love them even though they don't agree with what they've done.

My nephew is quite a kid.

When he was about 5 we always would frequently have the "i will always love you no matter WHAT" conversation.

He would ask..."what if I killed someone? would you still love me?"

But it gets better....

More than once he asked me..."What if I was Pol Pot?"

"Would you still love me if I was Pol Pot?"

Holy crap.

Now he's 15. We were talking about this a few weeks ago. He asked who Pol Pot was.

Ahhhhhh.. Johnny.