Advice needed

maja

I've been lurking here for God only know how long and never really wrote anything, but right now I desperately need someone to talk to and I thought that maybe someone on here would maybe help.

Two days ago my girlfriend, who previously had been my best friend for years, told me that she's not sure if she hadn't mistaken friendship for love. Then she proceeded to cry, tell me that she loves me but doesn't know ho, that she doesn't want to hurt me and so on. I was devasteded, but told her that I'll accapet everything she does because her friendship is too precious to lose. Yesterday we talked and she said that she loves me and she's just too afraid of the world (you know, nobody knows about us, because she didn't want them to - her parents are very strictly catholic) but she doesn't want to lose me. Today she doesn't answer my messages and when I called her, her mum told me that she was sick and couldn't talk to me. She usually gets very sick when she's nervous and she's been depressed for the past 6 months or so.

I don't know what to do, what to think even... It's my first serious relationship and I do love her more than anything else...

Any thoughts what's going on and what I should do?

Oh, and I'm female if you haven't figured it out.

AmentsChick

AWW...maja! :( I'm so so so sorry. How sad! I don't really know what to tell you....love hurts....I've been there, it sucks. :(

Maybe just try and wait it out...see what happens?

jammergirl

oh man, thats terrible. the best thing you can do is let her know that you are there for her, and that whatever happens she still has you as a friend. she probably just needs some time to process stuff and figure out what she wants. good luck!

_Crazy_Mary_

Hey maja, this has no relevance, but out of curiosity how old are you two?

My advice is that the two of you are better off apart if she's been depressed the last 6 months. That's probably hard to hear and it's easy for me to say when I'm not in the relationship, but don't you see any red flags there? She's been depressed for six months! And, she doesn't want her family to know about the relationship. You should move on and know that it's the best for both of you.

redrock

That's tough maja. I'm sure she loves you, one way or the other. And it is sometimes difficult to make the difference between a love that is a deep friendship or an actual 'relationship'. She's depressed you say.. that doesn't help her in figuring things out. I know it is very hard on you, but just let her know you are there for her (via a text, even if she doesn't answer). She must also be going through a lot of turmoil but maybe her current state of mind doesn't allow her to understand/express her feelings like you may be able to.

Hang in there.

DOSW

_Crazy_Mary_ wrote:

she doesn't want her family to know about the relationship.

But that's not her girlfriend's fault... it's the family's.

redrock

_Crazy_Mary_ wrote:

She's been depressed for six months! And, she doesn't want her family to know about the relationship. You should move on and know that it's the best for both of you.

Depression is a lot more common than one can think. Do you just discard someone you have loved for years because she has been depressed for a few months? What is the cause of this depression? Could it be some family issues that would also make her not tell them about her relationship? Is she caught between the devil and the deep blue sea?

_Crazy_Mary_

DOSW wrote:

But that's not her girlfriend's fault... it's the family's.

you can place blame wherever you want it doesn't change the statement, "nobody knows about us, because she didn't want them to."


maja, if it does end up working out for you and you're both happy, great. But right now I think she needs time to get some issues resolved inside herself.

_Crazy_Mary_

redrock wrote:

Depression is a lot more common than one can think. Do you just discard someone you have loved for years because she has been depressed for a few months? What is the cause of this depression? Could it be some family issues that would also make her not tell them about her relationship? Is she caught between the devil and the deep blue sea?

yes I agree. She needs to resolve her own issues before she gets in a relationship.

DOSW

_Crazy_Mary_ wrote:

you can place blame wherever you want it doesn't change the statement, "nobody knows about us, because she didn't want them to."

Yeah but how can you blame a homosexual person with strict parents for not wanting his or her parents to know? That happens all the time in the homosexual community. I'm saying it shouldn't be a factor in the decision.

maja

We're both 19.

Come to think of to I also don't want her parents to know. Her dad is kind of crazy, he's a complete despot and homophobe. He's always putting her down, telling her she's stupid and she can't do even the simplest task. Actually she's been having attacks of depression every now and then, when anything important is going to happen, like for example exams, because then her dad becomes very hard to bear. And right now we're execting our finals and that combined with constant hiding from everyone isn't helping her mental state.

Thanks or the advice. I've sent her few texts yesterday, but seems that her mobile's turned off.

Heineken Helen

maja wrote:

We're both 19.

Come to think of to I also don't want her parents to know. Her dad is kind of crazy, he's a complete despot and homophobe. He's always putting her down, telling her she's stupid and she can't do even the simplest task. Actually she's been having attacks of depression every now and then, when anything important is going to happen, like for example exams, because then her dad becomes very hard to bear. And right now we're execting our finals and that combined with constant hiding from everyone isn't helping her mental state.

Thanks or the advice. I've sent her few texts yesterday, but seems that her mobile's turned off.

:( that's really sad... she's very lucky to have such an understanding friend like you, whether that's all you're going to be, who knows? As a 19 year old, coming out against your family is a HUGE huge thing to do. I've never been in that position but it must be terrifying. If it's making her sick though, perhaps it's time to simply do it... would she be able to leave her family if it came to that? She really can't keep going on like that. Is she going to hide it for the rest of her life? Never being who she wants to be? In the short term it's going to be very very painful but for long term it really is the only answer to get it over with as soon as possible.

maja

She broke up with me. When my mum saw me crying she immediately knew what happened, she told me they actually knew it almost all along, and that I was silly to be afraid of what they reaction might have been...

I can't imagine how it all will look like now, but at least I don't have to worry about my family's reaction...

Linda

maja wrote:

She broke up with me. When my mum saw me crying she immediately knew what happened, she told me they actually knew it almost all along, and that I was silly to be afraid of what they reaction might have been...

I can't imagine how it all will look like now, but at least I don't have to worry about my family's reaction...

oh maja, i'm so sorry.....

Sian-of-the-dead

maja wrote:

I've been lurking here for God only know how long and never really wrote anything, but right now I desperately need someone to talk to and I thought that maybe someone on here would maybe help.

Two days ago my girlfriend, who previously had been my best friend for years, told me that she's not sure if she hadn't mistaken friendship for love. Then she proceeded to cry, tell me that she loves me but doesn't know ho, that she doesn't want to hurt me and so on. I was devasteded, but told her that I'll accapet everything she does because her friendship is too precious to lose. Yesterday we talked and she said that she loves me and she's just too afraid of the world (you know, nobody knows about us, because she didn't want them to - her parents are very strictly catholic) but she doesn't want to lose me. Today she doesn't answer my messages and when I called her, her mum told me that she was sick and couldn't talk to me. She usually gets very sick when she's nervous and she's been depressed for the past 6 months or so.

I don't know what to do, what to think even... It's my first serious relationship and I do love her more than anything else...

Any thoughts what's going on and what I should do?

Oh, and I'm female if you haven't figured it out.

Oh Maja, i'm sorry. It's a pretty difficult situation to be in. I can see how you're confused and at a loss.
I can't tell you everything's gonna be ok because I don't know as it will but, I can assure you, from my own experience, it's wise to just give it time. I was once in a relationship that my parents didn't approve of (I moved out at a young age without telling them, you should've seen how sick I was the days before and after I admitted what i'd done...). Having my boyfriend and family conflicting and not speaking for 5 years and my Dad not speaking or even wanting to see me for 2 years was pretty rough stuff so I couldn't begin to imagine the stress she's under being from a strict Catholic family and in a same sex relationship that they don't know about. The nerves and depression don't surprise me in the slightest.
From what you've described, she sounds very confused about the whole thing anyway so, hang in there and just be there for her. If you both really think that your friendship is too valuable to waste then just give her space, she obviously needs thinking time and not pressure - not that I believe you're pressuring her. If there is more than friendship it will come back and you'll face whatever her family say, together. If not, then you still have your best friend. Try and stay strong and positive

Heineken Helen

maja wrote:

She broke up with me. When my mum saw me crying she immediately knew what happened, she told me they actually knew it almost all along, and that I was silly to be afraid of what they reaction might have been...

I can't imagine how it all will look like now, but at least I don't have to worry about my family's reaction...

I'm so sorry maja :( and I'm glad your mom's there for ya.

maja

Thank you all. I just hope it gets better, in any way, right now. I just can't stop crying and I hate that...

Heineken Helen

maja wrote:

Thank you all. I just hope it gets better, in any way, right now. I just can't stop crying and I hate that...

I don't know if it's any consolation... but at least you know you've done nothing wrong and that you still have her as a friend

lalalalaaaaaaaa

Not sure if I can give you any specific advice because I could never be in such a situation. But I will say that everyone's first serious relationship is usually difficult, and they usually end with one person being blind-sided like you were. And for that, I believe the only cure is time...it just takes time. Lots of time.

The Champ

I'm a little lost here. So she ended up deciding that in fact she did mistake friendship for lesbianism as you stated may be the case in your initial post?

redrock

The Champ wrote:

I'm a little lost here. So she ended up deciding that in fact she did mistake friendship for lesbianism as you stated may be the case in your initial post?

Don't be so crude. We're talking being friends or being lovers. Not a confusion whether she is a friend or a lesbian.


Sorry to hear you guys broke up Maja. It's hard and you will cry for a while, then things will feel better. It just takes time. One positive thing came out of this though... you found out your parents knew about your relationship and they did not disapprove. They are there for you.

Brain of J.Lo

I'm sorry you got your heart broken!

I'm glad, though, that there is at least one positive and that you have supportive parents. I know your probably in a little too much pain to recognize how great that is right now, but in time you will.

The Champ

redrock wrote:

Don't be so crude. We're talking being friends or being lovers. Not a confusion whether she is a friend or a lesbian.

I apologize if my statement seemed crude, but at that age it's quite common to 'experiment' and explore one's true sexuality, which consequently leads to confusion..

moxie

Life goes on.

maja

I hope it does.

She said she did love me, but as her parents wouldn't approve of it she can't do this any longer. If that was supposed to make me feel better it didn't succeed.