What to do? (advice please!)

miskin

message pits the place to come for impartial advice!

i've been close friends with a girl for coming up on a year now, but started to feel more strongly for her in the last few months. without saying the exact words, i made my feelings pretty clear, having got jealous a couple of times of her with other guys etc - so i know for a fact she knows or knew the way i felt about her.

at the beginning i was fairly sure she didn't feel the same, and i was a bit arsey towards her really because i was frustrated and things weren't going how i wanted - we regulaly fell out or stopped talking for short periods. i was pretty much acting like a baby.

more recently its got a bit more confusing. our friendship has begun to founder a little bit - we've been stopping talking (and i call it that because theres never a spoken argument) over literally nothing. this last weekend we were at a music festival together with two friends, and the first two days were fine, then inexplicably we hardly spoke for the second half. twice she has also got annoyed suddenly when ive gone off with girls. the first time, i'd met a girl the previous night who seemed into me, so when we were next going out my friend was urging me to go for it, despite me saying i wasnt interested. i didnt understand why she kept trying to convince me to do something i didnt really want. when i eventually did get with the girl, and told her, she suddenly switched out about something else randomly and we had a big fall out.
the next day she texted me saying she didnt want to leave (university) for the summer in this way and could we make up.

then again at the festival, i was fed up of her not speaking to me so decided to go off with a girl i met in the crowd. i told her i'd be back in a bit, and she just snapped 'whatever'.

i don't understand why we have these fallouts over nothing. usually we'd be speaking or texting everyday, but since the festival i haven't heard from her.
shes going travelling for a month soon and im worried if we dont sort this out before then the damage could be lasting.

what should i do? i do care about her a lot, and even if things cant go as far as i might like, the friendship means a lot to me. incidentally, shes not the kind of person its easy to have 'those' kind of conversations with. shes quite shy, and finds things awkward easily and doesn't like to be put on the spot. thats why maybe its so hard to address our issues. saying that, she is genuinely a lovely person and it only seems to be me she ever has 'fallouts' with (and me her), which i dont really understand.

anyone got any ideas?

Fighting Hellfish

well, I think her snapping at you for going off with another girl is a sign that the feeling might be mutual. if she wasn't interested, she'd probably be relieved that you met someone else. It's possible she has the same feelings, and is afraid that if you act on them, it would eventually ruin the firendship.

PJPixie

What bands played at that music festival?

mole1985

eeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr why dont you try talking to her about it? Seems obvious really......

miskin

PJPixie wrote:

What bands played at that music festival?

loads of unknowns plus a few knowns like Alphabeat, Grace Jones... Morcheeba... etc etc. its secret garden party. a smaller intimate festival

polaris

i'm going with ...

she wants you to be her bitch ... be there to boost her ego and make her feel good but she doesn't really care for your happiness ...

i dunno really - hard to say ...

miskin

mole1985 wrote:

eeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr why dont you try talking to her about it? Seems obvious really......

well... at the moment im giving things a few days to cool down. (the festival was only last weekend). But also, shes not a very open person and finds those kinds of conversations really awkward, and she seems to especially hate being put on the spot, so i don't want to put any pressure on her in a way - basically im not sure how to approach a 'conversation'

mole1985

miskin wrote:

well... at the moment im giving things a few days to cool down. (the festival was only last weekend). But also, shes not a very open person and finds those kinds of conversations really awkward, and she seems to especially hate being put on the spot, so i don't want to put any pressure on her in a way - basically im not sure how to approach a 'conversation'

Well i would say you need to do it soon and get everything out in the open before you end up losing a friendship. Make it clear to her your feelings but if she doesn't want anything more you still want to be friends. Apologise for getting moody with her and stress it won't happen again. Hopefully she will do the same. The worst things in these situations is to let things go unsaid on both sides.

Good Luck dude

Black Diamond

miskin wrote:

well... at the moment im giving things a few days to cool down. (the festival was only last weekend). But also, shes not a very open person and finds those kinds of conversations really awkward, and she seems to especially hate being put on the spot, so i don't want to put any pressure on her in a way - basically im not sure how to approach a 'conversation'

Dude, you are in the friend zone.

saveuplife

Well, I'm going with the unconventional approach here.




1. You are both obviously very young.

2. Your relationship doesn't seem to be crazy strong or you would've hooked up by now.


Now, ask yourself this...

1. Are you willing to lose her as a friend? Because if your relationship doesn't work out (which honestly, I have no basis for saying this... but I don't think it will), your friendship will most likely die.

2. Did it ever occur to you that your both being passive aggressive? Why not open up the dialouge. That way, you CAN remain friends if you don't want to try dating. But, be forewarned, you will most likely lose her as a friend in the end.


Here's my advice...

I don't see why you shouldn't just tell her you'd like to date her.

On the friend note, stick with "guy" friends and this type of thing won't happen anymore.


*********P.S. Sorry for being judgemental. But, I'm so f'ing tired of the whole, "we were great friends then we became lovers" deal. One party is "ALWAYS" interested in the other if you are "that" close of male/female friends. When the breakup happens it sux because you not only split appart your immediate relationship with that girl. But, you also make your "other" friends choose between you and her.... which B_L_O_Ws.

you are

i think she likes you, but she's afraid to come right out and say it. it seems she's testing you on some things to see how you'll react. if you really like her, then you'll ignore all other girls right? she may be thinking that now you don't like her, or you're playing mind games with her.....just sit down and tell her how you feel about her. get it out in the open. i think that's what she's waiting for (i don't know her so i can't really say). it really sounds like she's waiting on you to be the man and establish the relationship.

if you don't think it's a good idea to have a relationship with her, then tell her and keep your distance for a while.

miskin

yeah she's still not speaking to me, its now over a week. she sent me a text saying she felt like i was ignoring her and wasnt going to let that stop her having fun. i sent her a long message on facebook trying to break the peace saying she meant a lot to me etc but she hasnt replied yet.

Julien

miskin wrote:

yeah she's still not speaking to me, its now over a week. she sent me a text saying she felt like i was ignoring her and wasnt going to let that stop her having fun. i sent her a long message on facebook trying to break the peace saying she meant a lot to me etc but she hasnt replied yet.

you should call her and try to speak. sending texts and messages through facebook isn't the best way to mae things clear

know1

Ignore her and see what happens - no messages or contact.

miskin

Julien wrote:

you should call her and try to speak. sending texts and messages through facebook isn't the best way to mae things clear

yeah i tried calling her she didn't pick up thats why i sent the text.. eventually she replied to the text but could say all i wanted to her in a text obviously, so sent her one of those private message things on facebook

frank coztansa

You're fucked. You've made it into the friend zone, and thats a horrid awful place to be when you like a girl.