Friends and Marriage
saveuplife
Posts: 1,173
As I get older, it's hard to keep up with my friends as much as I use to. Particularly, the one's that are not married are harder to keep in touch with. But, I really try hard to.
Anyway, over Thanksgiving one of my friends wanted to go out Thanksgiving Eve. My wife wanted no part because she wanted to cook our turkey dinner (we were going to our parents the following day). So, I text him around dinner time and let him know I wasn't going to go. He got all pissed at me.
Anyway, today, he emailed me (and a group of my friends) asking what's up with my Christmas party (only about 10 out of 40 invites have committed)? Basically he was trying to put the party down. The party's not for another 3 to 4 weeks. I know he did it because he's still angry at me.
Why do people do this sort of shit? I mean, if my wife didn't want to cook so bad I would have gone out, but she did. I am married. I can't go out independently as frequently like I use to. It really bothers me when friends do this shit. I guess I feel like I'm not a good friend. But, if I went, I'd feel like I wasn't a good husband. It's lose-lose situation. UGH.
Anyway, over Thanksgiving one of my friends wanted to go out Thanksgiving Eve. My wife wanted no part because she wanted to cook our turkey dinner (we were going to our parents the following day). So, I text him around dinner time and let him know I wasn't going to go. He got all pissed at me.
Anyway, today, he emailed me (and a group of my friends) asking what's up with my Christmas party (only about 10 out of 40 invites have committed)? Basically he was trying to put the party down. The party's not for another 3 to 4 weeks. I know he did it because he's still angry at me.
Why do people do this sort of shit? I mean, if my wife didn't want to cook so bad I would have gone out, but she did. I am married. I can't go out independently as frequently like I use to. It really bothers me when friends do this shit. I guess I feel like I'm not a good friend. But, if I went, I'd feel like I wasn't a good husband. It's lose-lose situation. UGH.
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It also depends, on how important friends are to you. And I like the fact that he busted your balls. Everyone should be out on t-giving eve!
2.) Could you have texted him earlier? It sounds like you knew from earlier if your wife had already cooked dinner...maybe that was the highlight of his holiday and finding out last minute might have been disappointing.
He was still petty to send that email, but there might be room for more respect on both sides
So no one catches you?
Btw.... I spoke with my friend... he said something may open up at that bar around the holidays.... I'll let you know.
Anyway, no I wasn't going to cook... just help. She didn't want to go out because she didn't want to go out. To be honest, I really didn't want to either. Also, she did ask earlier in the week if we could do that thanksgiving dinner thing cause we go to our rents on Thanksgiving. So, I committed to her. When he asked me about going out via text, I asked her. She got upset and said we committed to doing dinner and movie and some drinks at home. So, I said I'd take care of it. I text him back and he's responded all pissy.
I don't know, I'm all for busting balls. But, IMO this wasn't just busting balls this was immature shit.
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Part 1: Awesome. Thanks a lot. Let me know what happens.
Part 2: Yeah, people get older and priorities change. I bet he's single and likes to go out a lot. Oh well....sunrise...sunset.
I agree...if you had decided to help with cooking earlier in the week, you should have told your friend that right off the bat. I would be annoyed if someone cancelled at the last minute like that.
Also, like ariel said, maybe he was looking forward to it? Holidays can be stressful, and if you are really looking forward to a night out and then someone bails at the last minute, I can see where he might be annoyed. I don't understand the point of his email though. That was immature.
You say you didn't really want go out, again, you should have told him that from the get-go.
HA! ZIIIING!
I personally have a lot of friends from school that are NOT married. We tend to go out and shop, get coffee, etc. My husband is like, go, have fun.. We also have a couple friends that are married and we go out together with. I do wish that my husband wanted to go out more with friends alone. He doesn't really have a group of friends here. He has a friend here who he lived with in college and he sees him sometimes. He always invites me along, but I try to encourage him to go alone and have some guy time.
I think its very important for both sides to be able to do their own thing occasionally. Just because I'm married doesn't mean I need to be attached to one person and one person only, socially. I think its very healthy for a relationship to have some time apart and its generally healthy for people to have friends of many different types because then you see the world from a broader sense.
okay.. does that make any sense? I'm rambling.
Yea, you are probably right. But, I would've gone if my wife was up for it. She just didn't want any part of it. I figured she'd atleast consider it. But, once I asked her, I knew there was no chance.
Makes complete sense. We do that too. Problem is the balance part. It's not like I haven't seen this guy in a while. I played football and drank with him the Saturday before. So, my thinking was, I'll ask my wife, if she says no, then I'm not going to go. She said no.
That makes perfect sense!
If, by some unfortunate matter, I do get married
I do think it is important that people keep their identities and interests in a relationship.
Ah, okay, I was thinking he was just in the area for the holiday.
Tell him he's acting like your wife. He's probably just lonely, the holidays tend to drive that home for unhappily single folks.
Interesting thread .... because I'm on the other side.
I'm single and most of my friends (nearly all) are married or living in couple. On top of that, they have children or will have one soon (3 of them !!!).
I noticed that I don't feel comfortable being with them during parties or group dinner ... because I don't belong to the same group. I'm single, they are not.
Weird feelings.
Obviously I see them far less than before. We try to go out every once in a while in a bar but it's hard to get everybody at the same time.
Also I stopped proposing group activities like going to concerts, going skiing / hiking because most of the time they can't do it.
Anyway life goes on and I completely understand they have other priorities.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sometimes upset with this situation because I feel more alone. That may be what's your friend is feeling but I think he overeacted somehow.
The thing is, he has a gf. I mean he's single (not married), but he's been seeing this girl for over a year.
As for your situation, I say just try to hang with your friend in different ways (days). For instance, I'm always up for watching football on Sundays. My wife doesn't care, and I like it. But, instead, some of my single friends want to hang on Friday/Saturday nights. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But, if they really want to hang with me, I'm available for just them Sundays during football. My wife goes out all the time on Sundays for lunch or to the mall with her friends too, so she's available to them. It's kinda like an unwritten rule between my wife and I, but our friends don't take advantage of it often.
And it's not like we only do this Sunday, but I'm using Sunday as an example. My advice: try to think of it as if you were married, (when would you be "free"?), ask to hang out with them then and if you do that I bet you're more likely to find that the married person is "free".
My husband always makes me feel like a bad mom if I go out. I work 4 nights a week, so on Saturdays I will go out after work with co-workers and get home around 12 or 1. He makes sure that I'm awake at 7 am when the kids get up instead of letting me sleep in. Also he makes comments like, 'well, if you hadn't been out whoring around, you'd be able to spend quality time with your children.'
Yeah, it's pretty fucked up, but... I still go out every Saturday.
This has nothing to do with being married/single, whatever. You basically cancelled plans with one person because of another person. And at the last minute. That would piss me off too.
If you didn't want to go out, you should have said something. You called around dinner time to cancel? I can almost guarantee he was all pumped up, ready to go, had already eaten, taken care of what he had to for the night so he could hang out, then you call and cancel and he's left sitting there.
Own up and apologize. You bailed on a committment to a friend. He is free to behave like a baby after that, however you will have done the right thing.
I never committed to anything.
He asked me earlier in the day (around 3 via email) and I "may" be able to swing by, I got to check with the wife. I don't get done work until 5, so I couldn't check with her until after. I got home at 5:30 and a text from him was waiting. I spoke with my wife and texted back at 6'ish.
Why would I apologize? What exactly did I do wrong?
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
ps ... i'm guessing your other invitees aren't coming cuz you voted for mccain ...
No worries, I'm having an Obama Inauguration Party too.
The thing is, it's December 1st and I've got 10 people (plus guests) coming out of a little over 40 invites. Only two said they can't come, the rest just have yet to respond, which I can understand due to the fact that the party's almost a month away. By the way, that Evite thing is a major pain in the butt.
My friend's just being an ahole. But, I've got to give him credit, he clearly knows how to ruffle my feathers.
Here's the deal...
In his eyes, your wife clearly made the decision for you and he thinks you don't have a sack. He wanted you to go to your wife and tell her you were going out with him instead of you asking her for permission to go out.
Evites are the worst!! We're having a X-mas party on the 20th and I just decided to BCC everyone instead of go the evite route. If I put everyone on the email without BCC'ing, it would've turned into a cluster fuck chain email that would never end about how people stink like ass and the such. Annnnd if I did an evite, only 5 of the possible 75 people would respond while the other 70 would just look at it. One of my biggest peeves is seeing at the bottom of all the names phrases like "Viewed on 11/28" - oh really?!?!? RESPOND YOU DICK!!
Dude, you are dead on. This guy I'm talking about in this thread, has checked it atleast as often as me and I'm the one throwin the thing. That and the fact that half the people don't get the evite because it goes to junk or spam.
I hate Evites and I'll never use them again (and this is my first time). People don't want to be the first to respond. Once the ball starts rolling people are cool with it, but your blind Cc idea is much better, and probably would get a bigger crowd.
Yeah, I find with the BCC there is no huge chain email and people get back to you personally. And that way you can start a personal conversation with them, and at that point they feel like they have to go. It's a beautiful thing really.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Funny how it is only the single friends that bust balls