Anyone else live with a grandparent? Dealing with Alzheimer’s, restlessness and life

musicismylife78musicismylife78 Posts: 6,116
edited February 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
The last 6 months I have been living with my grandfather. We are an extremely close family, we call each other multiple times during the day and as a kid I remember seeing my grandparents not monthly or yearly but every single day, which was great and a memory I will cherish. My grandmother died in 2005 and of course he is still very much dealing with her death as we all are. It was helpful to initially live with him because I didn’t have to pay rent and didn’t have to get a job. I have had a rough time post college figuring out my road, my path in life, so it was almost essential that I stay out here. Everything was paid for. It worked out well.

But since December I have become tired, bored, and sick of living with him. He is 82, in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, and extremely forgetful, and just plain old, as mean as that sounds. He just likes to sit around all day, and watch tv and sleep. Which he is entitled to do, but its boring to me, as a 23 year old, who is so full of life and a zest for life. On top of all that he wants me to stay at his house every night, and seems to be extremely lonely, up to the point of not wanting to sleep at his house alone, and being quite upset if I sleep at my parent’s house for the night, or go out. He seems to be unable to deal with me even leaving the house for a few hours. He has to know exactly where I am and when I am coming back. He even suggested to me that he didn’t want me to leave to volunteer one day, because he was wondering “who was going to take care of him”. It’s just not possible for me to stay with him 24 hours a day. I am my own person, and have my own life to lead; I can’t sit around with him every day for 14 hours. He seems lonely but does nothing to change his situation, he could move closer into town as his house is in the country and my parents and uncle live in the city about 20 minutes away (which is tough for a 80 year old to drive), move into the house next door to my parents which he rents out, and be close to my parents and uncle. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t hang out with his old buddies, and seems unwilling to try new experiences. Its boring. It was fun for awhile living with him, but I just don’t have any fun anymore.

And it’s partly not his fault, as I said, he has Alzheimer’s and evidently what he has been acting like lately is indeed symptoms and effects of Alzheimer’s. He has become almost dependant on ME which is scary, I don’t like that responsibility. I am happy to help the guy out, but I wasn’t staying at his house the last 6 months to be his savior of sorts. Too much responsibility. I am not interested in being his caretaker.

My question for you all, is this. I feel trapped. I want to move out, it seems like my parents think I can move back in once I get a job, for the first few months, but I have been unable to find a job. I am unemployable, without experience. I want to move out of his house, but I have no job, and no apartment. Would it be crazy to get an apartment and pay one months rent, and hope like hell that month that I can obtain a job? I have about one months rent saved up, but beyond that I am pretty much tapped out. It feels like my life is passing me by, and I am stuck here.

It may sound selfish of me, and it shouldn’t come out that way. I love my grandfather, but I also am restless and a typical 23 year old in a quarter life crisis. One who wants to experience life and not baby-sit for a 82 year old. He seems unwilling to think I have a life to lead outside staying at his house, which is incredibly frustrating and annoying. His forgetfulness extends to this, so if I say “I need to go into town and stay the night at my parents, to go check out a concert” he would flip out and forget that I had told him this multiple times over the week that this was my plan.

What do I do? How do I satisfy my own need of independence and a normal life outside him? And how do I do this, in my situation, without job or housing, if I were to move out, which is obviously something I am seriously considering.

Right now, I am at his house, I love the guy, but I am just not into it any more. I would much rather have my own place and be sleeping there right now. Staying at his house has lost its appeal to me.

But what do I do? My job search has been frustrating and upsetting. I feel so lost.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • HinnyHinny Posts: 1,610
    I wouldn't move out until there's a steady stream of income to pay for the rent.

    Working in age rehabilitation, yours is a scenario I come across quite regularly, of this question about wanting to become independent, but saddled with the responsibility and the expectations of being a carer.

    It's much easier said than done, but when this situation comes up, the recommendation from my team is always based on one thing- for any quality care to be provided, the carer must be able to look after him/herself. If may be that quantity has to be sacrificed for quality. That is, better for the two of you to have stints of really good time together, rather than a whole lot of time where you're both negative towards each other.

    In your case, the fact that you don't have any work happening right now- this really should be your central focus, for this is about your own long term future. I don't know the first thing about the American model of aged care, but I presume there are paid support systems in place for people who require care/supervision but are unable to get this from their family for whatever reason.

    As for your sense of independence- I'm not sure how this works, since you don't seem to have a steady stream of income. You mentioned that you've graduated from college, and that you have about a month's rent saved up, and that you're unemployable with no work experience.

    On this last part, have you thought about a full-time volunteering gig? Dunno if camp counselling is available for you, but there's plenty of volunteering options- building houses in 3rd world countries, planting trees, getting involved in community development projects, and the like. This stuff looks brilliant on resumes, gives you time to sort out a long term plan, space away from your grandfather for you two to adopt with the new circumstances, and any guilt you might feel from leaving your grandfather behind will be matched from the sense of purpose you get from doing good for your fellow man.

    Hope that helps.
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  • spongersponger Posts: 3,159
    Tell your grandfather to try meditation. Research has found that people whose brains were ravaged by alzheimer's were still able to function at a relatively normal level by spending at least 1 hour a day in deep meditation.
  • thanks for the response and replies. that helped
  • pjoasisrulepjoasisrule Posts: 3,412
    What do you have a degree in and why are you so unemployable?
    Alpine Valley 2000
    Summerfest 2006

    "Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?" -Lisa Simpson
  • we were the ones that took care of my grandma later in life. it was my mom, me (high school age) and i had two sisters but they didnt contribute (one was older and out of the house, the other one is mentally handicapped). toward the end it was pretty bad, especially when she was put on home dialysis. thing that made it worse was my grandma absolutly hated my mom and thus her kids. and that side of the family thought we were all black sheep. but they "let us" take care of her. my grandma was pretty mean to us most of the time growing up but when we were taking care of her, it tended to be worse. i just remember how hard it was on my mom, and how much her family made it worse.
    we eventually got some help from some of my grandma's friends but one of them was really worthless and ended up pretty much killing her because she refused to do the dialysis right.

    i havent had to deal with alzheimers yet tho. that is my biggest fear for when i get older.

    and dont worry, you'll make it thru
    mean people suck!
    but nice people sw****w

  • i have a degree in sociology. As to why I am unemployable, as the many of us who are experiencing a "quarter life crisis". For definitions consult Garden State, the graduate, elizabethtown, quarterlifecrisis.com

    If you havent been out in the job search lately, I have. And from my experience, alot of people post college have trouble, massive trouble getting that first entry level job. And it boils down to basically one thing. A college graduate will have zero to none of experience. And employers I guess are ignorant of that
  • pjoasisrulepjoasisrule Posts: 3,412
    i have a degree in sociology. As to why I am unemployable, as the many of us who are experiencing a "quarter life crisis". For definitions consult Garden State, the graduate, elizabethtown, quarterlifecrisis.com

    If you havent been out in the job search lately, I have. And from my experience, alot of people post college have trouble, massive trouble getting that first entry level job. And it boils down to basically one thing. A college graduate will have zero to none of experience. And employers I guess are ignorant of that

    I have experienced that and I am still going through it somewhat right now. I am not the best for advice but the only thing I can think of is to get out there and get an internship and get a part time or even full time job doing something that might not necessarily by your career. Sociology is a pretty broad major, you just gotta know what you are going to do with it. Unfortunately college was the best time to decide that but its not like there arent opportunities out there.

    Holy shit, I just looked up some information about the quarter life crisis and I have basically every single characteristic. I am starting to get depressed now that I realized this.
    Alpine Valley 2000
    Summerfest 2006

    "Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?" -Lisa Simpson
  • pjoasisrulepjoasisrule Posts: 3,412
    Thanks to reading this, not only do I think about the problems associated with the quarter life crisis problems but I think about the fact that I have a quarter life crisis.
    Alpine Valley 2000
    Summerfest 2006

    "Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?" -Lisa Simpson
  • edvedder913edvedder913 Posts: 1,810
    I really feel for you. My dad got Alz. when I was about 21. It was horrible. I lived home for a couple of years but it became so stressful. By age 24 I ended up moving out. Looking back I feel sort of guilty leaving my mom with him alone, but I was falling to pieces....and I was engaged and trying to have some sort of "normal" realtionship at the time.

    That disease is one that requires the care of professionals. You, nor no one else in your family should bear the burdens and responsibilities alone. There are facilities that you can find where he can spend the day, etc. They make them take part in activities and work with their motor skills as best as possible.

    Good luck....I know how hard it is. But you too have a life to live.
  • I don't think it's selfish. you are 23, you need to start living your own life. You're grandfather did, now it's your turn. I think it was very nice of you to offer to live with him for a while. I think you should talk to the rest of your family and try to figure out a way for you to begin the process of moving out. My grandmother is like this too- she doesn't have alzheimers but she's always asking me to stay over at her house and lays on guilt trips pretty thick, it makes you feel really bad. It sounds like your parents and other family members live close by- maybe you can start working out a visitation/helping schedule amongst the lot of you, and maybe chip in for nurses or cleaning women for the stuff you can't cover.

    as far as moving out, get a job first. job searches are frustrating and depressing. that's just how they are. We all have to deal with them. keep trying.
  • know1know1 Posts: 6,794
    I think a bigger issue is you "not being able to find a job". If you were out working on a regular basis, you might not feel as trapped. Take a job somewhere and see how that goes.
    The only people we should try to get even with...
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  • You need to know that you're not being selfish. No matter how much you love your grandfather, this is still a huge burden for a 23 yr old to bear. It is very admirable that you care enough about him to do what you've already done. :)

    As far as finding a job goes...yes, job searches suck and they suck worse for some fields than others. I recommend just getting *any* job for the time being, whether it's retail, food service...whatever you can find. It'll make you feel better to have a routine to get into. And it'll help you work toward your goal of moving out.

    Since your family is close (both physically and emotionally), can you guys work out a schedule where you could each be responsible for checking on him periodically? That way, you would know that he was still being cared for, but it wouldn't all fall on your shoulders. I would also try to get him into an assisted living facility. I'm not talking about one of those nursing homes where they just stick all of the old people in their wheelchairs and leave them in the hallway. I think it sounds like he is mentally sound enough to benefit from the social interaction that a place would provide. Also, as someone else mentioned, you could examine adult day care situations (as long as he is safe enough to live alone at night).

    Good luck with everything. It's hard enough to figure out what to do with yourself, let alone while taking care of another person!
  • I also wanted to add, that my first two years out of college I lived with my parents. I had a job and stuff, but my quarterlife crisis was extremely exacerbated just by living with my parents in the suburbs and stuff. I can't imagine what it would be like with GRANDPARENT. I didn't realize that it was the living at home at was the extreme cause of it until after I moved out. Start taking steps to move on, you will feel much better about your life.

    my dad always half-jokingly suggests that I move in with my grandmother. I guess you are a much more giving person than I am- I could never do it.
  • justamjustam Posts: 21,410
    When I was a teenager, I took care of a very, very old woman one day a week so I could pay for my piano lessons. It was such hard work!! She had a beautiful piano to practice on and lived in this huge mansion but...after a while I felt like you. She was heavy. I got tired of having to lift her on and off the toilet...feed her, dress her, SMELL her. Oh man. She was just so old that after a while it was DEPRESSING!!!

    So, I guess, my point is--"Don't feel guilty!!" I think it's hard to take care of and be with a very old unhealthy person for too long. I worked for her for a year and then I had to do something different. Whew.

    I think you should try to find a job and then move. Don't feel bad about it. It sounds like your parents really need to find a better situation for him or hire someone to care for him...or, better yet, maybe they can take responsibility for him instead of you?!!
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • iluvcatsiluvcats Posts: 5,153
    I think you got some good advice here. If you can't find your ideal day time job, I would get a part time job at Target or something til it happens.

    You can have your grand pa evaluated by a social worker or nurse to see if he needs to be put in a nursing home.

    I have my elderly mom living with us for 1 year. She is still able to come upstairs, cook, do her own wash (all at a slow pace, of course.) But does anyone have any recommendations for how to tell her to wash her hair? (She thinks she is still young mentally.) See, in the 1960's, women would go to the "beauty parlor" once a week and get their hair washed and set....well times have changed. Her hair is pretty rank by day 3. She washes it herself, not the salon. It smells up our house literally. It smells like she dumps powder on herself and the odor comes through our vent.
    We put in a new furnace filter with a wild berry air freshener and it already does not work.
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  • justam wrote:
    It sounds like your parents really need to find a better situation for him or hire someone to care for him...or, better yet, maybe they can take responsibility for him instead of you?!!

    really as much as we love our grandparents, if our parents are in the picture, it's really more THEIR responsibility to make sure they're taken care of.

    Also be careful, because you will forever be "the go-to" person for this in your family. my grandmother has 4 grandchildren, but I get called on the most because I'm single and female. it is very common. also keep in mind that to someone your grandfather's age, as a single woman, you don't have much to do except hang out with him. I know that is the way my grandmother thinks. She's always assuming I am very lonely and bored because I live alone.
  • iluvcats wrote:
    I think you got some good advice here. If you can't find your ideal day time job, I would get a part time job at Target or something til it happens.

    You can have your grand pa evaluated by a social worker or nurse to see if he needs to be put in a nursing home.

    I have my elderly mom living with us for 1 year. She is still able to come upstairs, cook, do her own wash (all at a slow pace, of course.) But does anyone have any recommendations for how to tell her to wash her hair? (She thinks she is still young mentally.) See, in the 1960's, women would go to the "beauty parlor" once a week and get their hair washed and set....well times have changed. Her hair is pretty rank by day 3. She washes it herself, not the salon. It smells up our house literally. It smells like she dumps powder on herself and the odor comes through our vent.
    We put in a new furnace filter with a wild berry air freshener and it already does not work.


    My grandma is like that too with the hair washing. She still walks down to the beauty parlor and gets her hair washed and set. it's just not as frequent. whenever my mom visits she tries to take her there to get it done.
    maybe you will need to schedule weekly visits?
    "I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
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