need opinions!

edvedder913

preferably from those who are married or have been married or in a long term relationship, but hey, everyone's allowed an opinion.....

so here goes -

friend from high school has been married 15 years. we only talk about 1-3x a year, but used to be really close. she has 2 kids ages 6 and 11. she is now going through a divorce - found out he had been having an affair for about a year. she comes from a ton of $$, he came from nothing. her family has given him everything he has. this jerk off is going after her as if she had the affair - wants half the house, doesn't want to pay any alimony - is being cheap with child support, hiding income, etc. she alos found out there is mor ethan one girl on the side - but about 3. and she is still saying "i wish i could hate him but i can't". she is devastated b/c for years she felt they had the "perfect" marriage. to her this came totally out of left field.

no onto the other side - my friends over the years have spotted him w/other women. he even financialy screwed over a friend's husband - he was charging him more on his life insurance/car insurance policy and pocketing the difference. so bottom line is this guy had her disillusioned for all these years and is really a dirtbag.

do i tell her about any of this? or do i just let sleeping dogs lie? she is devastated enough as it is, and i don't think i should add to it. especially since it was never me who witnessed anything. but someone told me if i am her friend, i should tell her.

discuss/opinions...

Dissidentman

I think if she knows ALL the facts right now, she can start to put "closure" on the whole messy thing... She may never claim she can hate him, but at least she could realize he wasn't the guy for her.

The Champ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPFIMUevmsg

Get_Right

I understand you need to protect your friend, but someone needs to step up and spill the beans IF its helpful to your friends predictament.

Generally, assinate character as a last resort in a legal dispute-makes you look like the bad guy-but if he engaged in criminal activities, filing a complaint could be used as leverage in the negotiations.

Your friend is probably overwhelmed by emotions and is probably feeling a bit helpless. Her judgement may be clouded by the desire to have this whole thing end. Speak to her lawyer and ask if the information you hold can in any way benefit your friend in the divorce proceedings. If it can, then you need to give it up and tell her its for her own benefit and that she will thank you later. If its not helpful, then you can keep it under wraps.

Thats probably how Id deal with it.

Swan

There’s no reason to tell her any more than she already know, it looks like she has a lot to deal with right now and doesn’t need anything else to deal with.

Steve Dunne

Tell her. Kids and money are involved. Or will be involved. And lawyers will need to be involved at this level.

NothinGBetteRPJMaN

yes tell the lawyer at least. if you dont, and you find out it could have helped, youll feel like shit

Get_Right

Steve Dunne wrote:

Kids and money are involved.

EXACTLY!!!

booomm11

i too got lucky with a rich girl from the burbs. not married but have been together for 5yrs and have a daughter. Damn right. he should be entitled to half, if a woman can do it why not a man? just playin, no if he was cheating on her then he messed that one up bigtime.

markymark550

If the divorce is imminent, and it sounds like it is, all of his affairs and other illegal actions need to be brought to the table. If he's trying to spin it to make it look like your friend is at fault, they had better nail him with every little thing he's done wrong so he can't weasel out of the situation.

westsidepie

Steve Dunne wrote:

Tell her. Kids and money are involved. Or will be involved. And lawyers will need to be involved at this level.

Exactly! Tell the lawyer! The lawyer will take depositions that can be used in the case. This guy sounds like he will do anything to get as much out of the situation as possible. She should not let her feelings for him cloud the fact that he will try to take her for everything he can. She has kids to protect, so she should concentrate on them. He is not going to protect them. This really sounds awful; like those rape trials where the victim is attack and perp is protected.

edvedder913

Get_Right wrote:

I understand you need to protect your friend, but someone needs to step up and spill the beans IF its helpful to your friends predictament.

Generally, assinate character as a last resort in a legal dispute-makes you look like the bad guy-but if he engaged in criminal activities, filing a complaint could be used as leverage in the negotiations.

Your friend is probably overwhelmed by emotions and is probably feeling a bit helpless. Her judgement may be clouded by the desire to have this whole thing end. Speak to her lawyer and ask if the information you hold can in any way benefit your friend in the divorce proceedings. If it can, then you need to give it up and tell her its for her own benefit and that she will thank you later. If its not helpful, then you can keep it under wraps.

Thats probably how Id deal with it.

this is wonderful advice but the main problem is that it was never me - so I do not think these other peopple will want to get involved.

catefrances

edvedder913 wrote:

this is wonderful advice but the main problem is that it was never me - so I do not think these other peopple will want to get involved.

and later on when she finds out what you knew, how do you think she will feel that you kept this info from her? how will you feel knowing that you kept it from her? if it may help then she needs to know.

decides2dream

edvedder913 wrote:

this is wonderful advice but the main problem is that it was never me - so I do not think these other peopple will want to get involved.

exactly.
i personally would NOT repeat third party stories. if these friends want to step up and speak up, that's their choice. if you personally have seen nothing, then i would say nothing.

i DO understand there is children and $$$ involved, but that really doesn't matter if you have unsubstantiated evidence. if the wife already knows of 3 other woemn, i think that's plenty. also, showing what she brought into the marriage and he did not, etc, will be very helpful. beyond that, he IS entitled to a fair share of marital assets, b/c as someone else mentioned, if it were the wife with the lesser income, affairs or not, she still would be entitled. absolutely he has to pony up his fair share of child support, don't know about alimony....that is truly dependent on their individual financial status. however, IF he is hiding income and assets, definitely something else she needs to substantiate.


all the rest of 'this'...really will serve no purpose. merely my 0.02.

appliedlesson

My opinion only - if you didn't see fit to tell her before, why tell her now?

Seems like she could have used that information a long time ago but I don't know what to do now. She's dealing with enough already, will she feel betrayed by you, by these other people that didn't tell her before

Get_Right

edvedder913 wrote:

this is wonderful advice but the main problem is that it was never me - so I do not think these other peopple will want to get involved.

sorry missed that point
find out if they do, or just tell the lawyer who they are and let them do the dirty work

In a perfect world, all her friends should do what they can to protect her interests. Which to me, means getting all the gory details to her lawyer.

edvedder913

Get_Right wrote:

sorry missed that point
find out if they do, or just tell the lawyer who they are and let them do the dirty work

In a perfect world, all her friends should do what they can to protect her interests. Which to me, means getting all the gory details to her lawyer.

true, but not a perfect world. i am the only one that is close to her. and when i mentioned that they were getting a divorce they started to flood me w/the stories of why they never liked her husband. it's not like i knew all along - i just found out too.

i am going to contact them and see if they are willing to go to bat for her. she needs all the help she can get to have the judge see his flawed character. he is making his story so that he is the victim.

Get_Right

edvedder913 wrote:

true, but not a perfect world. i am the only one that is close to her. and when i mentioned that they were getting a divorce they started to flood me w/the stories of why they never liked her husband. it's not like i knew all along - i just found out too.

i am going to contact them and see if they are willing to go to bat for her. she needs all the help she can get to have the judge see his flawed character. he is making his story so that he is the victim.

You are a good friend.

edvedder913

decides2dream wrote:

if the wife already knows of 3 other woemn, i think that's plenty.

however, IF he is hiding income and assets, definitely something else she needs to substantiate.


all the rest of 'this'...really will serve no purpose. merely my 0.02.

the 3 other women will not help her. it has been since he moved out - therefore has no bearing on anything. he was definitely w/1 of them while still married but she has np physical proof.

what he did to my friend's husband was illegal - and he never pressed charges. maybe now it should come out to show what a greedy dirtbag this guy is. it will shed light on the fact that he is after money.

she bought the land their house is on with her own money and her father built them the house at COST - yet he wants 50% of the appraised value for the home - which would force her and her 2 children to have to move. why should he be entitled to all of that and force his children to move from a home that they love? bullshit. it all came from her family and he should respect that - he had the affair - he left his family - the least he can do is allow the children to live the lives in the home they love w/o being a selfish bastard. just b/c it is NY law does NOT make it right or fair.

this whole situation is making me sick.

edvedder913

appliedlesson wrote:

My opinion only - if you didn't see fit to tell her before, why tell her now?

Seems like she could have used that information a long time ago but I don't know what to do now. She's dealing with enough already, will she feel betrayed by you, by these other people that didn't tell her before

i just found out myself....only when i mentioned they were getting a divorce did this dirt come out.

decides2dream

edvedder913 wrote:

the 3 other women will not help her. it has been since he moved out - therefore has no bearing on anything.

what he did to my friend's husband was illegal - and he never pressed charges. maybe now it should come out to show what a greedy dirtbag this guy is. it will shed light on the fact that he is after money.

she bought the land their house is on with her own money and her father built them the house at COST - yet he wants 50% of the appraised value for the home - which would force her and her 2 children to have to move. why should he be entitled to all of that and force his children to move from a home that they love? bullshit. it all came from her family and he should respect that - he had the affair - he left his family - the least he can do is allow the children to live the lives in the home they love w/o being a selfish bastard. just b/c it is NY law does NOT make it right or fair.

this whole situation is making me sick.

aha, i thought the 3 were affairs during the marriage, etc. while sure, they are still 'technically' married....i guess if they are seperated it won't have much affect eh? that's a shame. then i would do as get right suggests and try and get the firends to speak up of the affairs they witnessed, although unless they actually SAW him behaving inapporopriately, might be a difficult thing to *prove* he was having an affair just b/c he was out with other women.

the situation absolutely DOES suck, i agree, and i feel for your friend. however, the law is the law...and scumbag or not, even if ALL was thru her money you KNOW if it were the husband's money, etc, all would still think the wife would be entitled to something. we all know the only way to truly protect premarital assets fully is with a pre-nup. unromantic yes, but if you truly want to be 100% to keep all *your* $$$...tis the only way. hindsight is 20/20 and all that. he is a shit, absolutely...but after 15 years of marriage i would think any spouse is enititled to *something* but that's just me. i would assume he did contribute to some extent monitarily to their life? although of course, no, i don't think their kids should be turned out of their home, etc. i would HOPE that ALL of this stuff would come out in court and rectified. what is truly horrific is the thought that a parent would want to screw over their children for $$$. truly sad. :(

i wish your friend, and her children....the best. i hope for the kids epecially, all this ugliness doesn't hurt them.



anyhoo....i would strongly suggest speaking to your friends to assist and/or the lawyer if you can. i hadn't realized the 3 other women really didn't factor. in that case, absolutely...it IS in your friend's best interest to speak up IF you truly think in some way it could aide her case. it is so, so sad to see marriages end, but especially such long-term marriages...and the poor kids.......:(