postive influences

yellowbird

So, I have a 15 year old son who used to call me a "treehugger" because of my views about the environment, war, etc. We have had many conversations and debates on these subjects and we never could come together on them.

But lately, I have been seeing a change in him. Maybe it's the music he's been listening to (Pink Floyd, Bob Marley, some Pearl Jam and others). Or maybe it's what he is hearing at school...... probably not. Or maybe he is
actually "hearing" me.
Anyway, the other day I'm driving down the road and he's doodling on a napkin. It's this elaborate peace sign. Says he wants it tatooed on his arm someday. His little brother yells out "You're a treehugger!"
And he says "I'm starting to believe they were right all along."
That was so cool to me that I thought I would share it.

I know parents are a large influence on their children, good or bad. But music/media can be a huge influence also. I think it's important to know what your kids are listening to or watching on t.v., etc.

Brisk.

yellowbird wrote:

So, I have a 15 year old son who used to call me a "treehugger" because of my views about the environment, war, etc. We have had many conversations and debates on these subjects and we never could come together on them.

But lately, I have been seeing a change in him. Maybe it's the music he's been listening to (Pink Floyd, Bob Marley, some Pearl Jam and others). Or maybe it's what he is hearing at school...... probably not. Or maybe he is
actually "hearing" me.
Anyway, the other day I'm driving down the road and he's doodling on a napkin. It's this elaborate peace sign. Says he wants it tatooed on his arm someday. His little brother yells out "You're a treehugger!"
And he says "I'm starting to believe they were right all along."
That was so cool to me that I thought I would share it.

I know parents are a large influence on their children, good or bad. But music/media can be a huge influence also. I think it's important to know what your kids are listening to or watching on t.v., etc.

The media is the overall ruler

but good work

butters

don't rule out the weed

Ahnimus

It sounds like you use an authoritative parenting style. Which has proven to be the most effective in most situations. If you love your kids, are involved with their lives, set boundaries and explain stuff to them while allowing them a voice, you should be the greatest influence on their lives. Of course they will be reaching for more and more autonomy in adolescence.

Authoritative parenting

This is characterized by high expectations of compliance to parental rules and directions, an open dialogue about those rules and behaviors, and a child-centered approach characterized by warm, positive affect. Authoritative parents encourage the child to be independent. Authoritative parents are not usually controlling allowing the child to explore more freely. [2] Authoritative parents are strict, demands obedience, but when punishing a child, the parent will always explain his or her motive for their punishment. [3] The resulting children have higher self esteem, independent, and happy.

[edit] Authoritarian parenting

This style is characterized by high expectations of conformity and compliance to parental rules and directions. Authoritarian parents expect much of their child but do not explain the rules at all, unlike the Authoritative parent. [4] Authoritarian parents are most likely to hit a child as a form of punishment instead of grounding a child. [5] The resulting children from this type of parenting lack social competence as the parent generally predicts what the child should do instead of allowing the child to choose by him or herself. [6] The children also rarely take initiatives. They are socially withdrawn and look to others to decide what's right. These children lack spontaneity and lack curiosity. [7]

[edit] Permissive parenting

Permissive parenting is characterized as having few behavioral expectations for the child and is characterized by warm affect. Parents are nurturing and accepting, but non-demanding. This type of parent simply wants the child to like him or her at the end of the day and will do anything the child requests to do. The resulting children are rarely (if ever) punished and are generally immature. [8] The children can not control their impulses and do not accept the responsibility for their own actions. When the child gets in trouble, the child will simply blame someone else even if it was his or her own fault. [9]

[edit] Dismissive

Dismissive parenting, also know as Neglectful or nonconformist parenting, is similar to permissive parenting but the parent does not care much about the child. The parents are generally not involved in their child's life, but will provide basic needs for the child. [10]

[edit] Outcomes

Research into the child behavior outcomes associated with each type of parenting has traditionally shown a strong benefit to authoritative parenting. These children have been shown to have more self-discipline, emotional self-control, more friends and better school performance. However, recent research has identified a number of caveats. First, authoritarian parenting may be more effective in certain contexts and in social groups other than those studied in early research. Secondly, little research has examined the genetic influences that may underlie the findings. For instance, harsh parents may produce harsher children through the mechanism of genetic transmission of these traits. Behavior genetics research is currently examining the influence of genes as they pertain to parenting styles.

An additional criticism of the parenting styles research is that parenting has been shown to be part of a bi-directional relationship between parent and child. Thus, characterizing a parenting style as arising from the parent leaves out the essential influence of the child on the parent-child dyad.

justam

yellowbird wrote:

So, I have a 15 year old son who used to call me a "treehugger" because of my views about the environment, war, etc. We have had many conversations and debates on these subjects and we never could come together on them.

But lately, I have been seeing a change in him. Maybe it's the music he's been listening to (Pink Floyd, Bob Marley, some Pearl Jam and others). Or maybe it's what he is hearing at school...... probably not. Or maybe he is
actually "hearing" me.
Anyway, the other day I'm driving down the road and he's doodling on a napkin. It's this elaborate peace sign. Says he wants it tatooed on his arm someday. His little brother yells out "You're a treehugger!"
And he says "I'm starting to believe they were right all along."
That was so cool to me that I thought I would share it.

I know parents are a large influence on their children, good or bad. But music/media can be a huge influence also. I think it's important to know what your kids are listening to or watching on t.v., etc.

That's a sweet story.

How many children do you have?

yellowbird

justam wrote:

That's a sweet story.

How many children do you have?

two boys

yellowbird

Ahnimus wrote:

It sounds like you use an authoritative parenting style. Which has proven to be the most effective in most situations. If you love your kids, are involved with their lives, set boundaries and explain stuff to them while allowing them a voice, you should be the greatest influence on their lives. Of course they will be reaching for more and more autonomy in adolescence.

thanks for the info. i didn't know i had a "style". can't imagine doing it any other way. it's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it..........

Ahnimus

yellowbird wrote:

thanks for the info. i didn't know i had a "style". can't imagine doing it any other way. it's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it..........

Well, this is catagorized originally by Diana Baumrind (1966), they are prototypical.

http://www.devpsy.org/teaching/parent/baumrind_styles.html

It's good to read some Dev Psych if your interested in trends in human development and what you can try if you run into some difficulties.

catefrances

there's a lot to be said for natural instinct also.

Ahnimus

catefrances wrote:

there's a lot to be said for natural instinct also.

Yea, well "Natural Instinct" is when you take an authoritative approach, your child reacts undesirably and you switch to authoritarian or passive parenting, the child stops throwing a tantrum and now your parenting is reinforced, but later on your child is anti-social, or academically poor or some other thing, and you haven't a clue why. There is a reciprocal interaction between parent-child, husband-wife and other family members, the whole ecosystem is affected by each other, and the way everyone behaves intuitively, or instinctively is as much a result of the reciprocal connections and behaviors of each other, as it is a matter of genes. It only takes one person to throw a tantrum to set everyone else off into a series of tantrums escalating into a totally diminshed family.

I don't know what else can be said about natural instinct.

catefrances

Ahnimus wrote:

Yea, well "Natural Instinct" is when you take an authoritative approach, your child reacts undesirably and you switch to authoritarian or passive parenting, the child stops throwing a tantrum and now your parenting is reinforced, but later on your child is anti-social, or academically poor or some other thing, and you haven't a clue why. There is a reciprocal interaction between parent-child, husband-wife and other family members, the whole ecosystem is affected by each other, and the way everyone behaves intuitively, or instinctively is as much a result of the reciprocal connections and behaviors of each other, as it is a matter of genes. It only takes one person to throw a tantrum to set everyone else off into a series of tantrums escalating into a totally diminshed family.

I don't know what else can be said about natural instinct.

here's how my natural instinct takes over ryan.

my children observe my actions. they listen to my words. i don't require they share my views but i do want them to respect them. if they don't agree then they must support their view. and i shall do the same with mine. if i have to reprimand them then there is always an explanation behind it. if i feel myself 'losing it' then i remove myself from the situation and come back when i am sufficiently able to cope. again i tell my children the reasoning behind my departure. if they are so riled they are beyond comprehending what i am saying then they will asked to remove themselves from the situation. and again when sufficient time has passed we will sit down and discuss what has passed. all povs are taken into consideration.

Ahnimus

catefrances wrote:

here's how my natural instinct takes over ryan.

my children observe my actions. they listen to my words. i don't require they share my views but i do want them to respect them. if they don't agree then they must support their view. and i shall do the same with mine. if i have to reprimand them then there is always an explanation behind it. if i feel myself 'losing it' then i remove myself from the situation and come back when i am sufficiently able to cope. again i tell my children the reasoning behind my departure. if they are so riled they are beyond comprehending what i am saying then they will asked to remove themselves from the situation. and again when sufficient time has passed we will sit down and discuss what has passed. all povs are taken into consideration.

Right, but that doesn't say a thing about natural instinct. The reason Baumrind was able to catagorizing parenting into 3 distinct styles is because people naturally parent differently as a result of reciprocity and the entire state of the ecological system. How you parent "naturally" is not how someone else parents "naturally". So when you say "there is something to be said for natural instinct" you might be giving John Doe the advice to beat the living shit out of his son, because it's what is natural to him.

Jeanie

yellowbird wrote:

So, I have a 15 year old son who used to call me a "treehugger" because of my views about the environment, war, etc. We have had many conversations and debates on these subjects and we never could come together on them.

But lately, I have been seeing a change in him. Maybe it's the music he's been listening to (Pink Floyd, Bob Marley, some Pearl Jam and others). Or maybe it's what he is hearing at school...... probably not. Or maybe he is
actually "hearing" me.
Anyway, the other day I'm driving down the road and he's doodling on a napkin. It's this elaborate peace sign. Says he wants it tatooed on his arm someday. His little brother yells out "You're a treehugger!"
And he says "I'm starting to believe they were right all along."
That was so cool to me that I thought I would share it.

I know parents are a large influence on their children, good or bad. But music/media can be a huge influence also. I think it's important to know what your kids are listening to or watching on t.v., etc.

When I was a kid, way way way back in the day my Mum became a very active "treehugger" type in the community around the time that her divorce was becoming final. And I distinctly recall levelling that exact comment at her in highly scornful tones on more than one occassion. I truly believe that my parents have been both the best and worst influences in my life and I wouldn't want it any other way. But then I'm also aware that I have negatively and positively influenced their lives. tis all a cycle and interconnected. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I myself, 20 odd years later am a self confessed tree hugger too!

angelica

catefrances wrote:

here's how my natural instinct takes over ryan.

my children observe my actions. they listen to my words. i don't require they share my views but i do want them to respect them. if they don't agree then they must support their view. and i shall do the same with mine. if i have to reprimand them then there is always an explanation behind it. if i feel myself 'losing it' then i remove myself from the situation and come back when i am sufficiently able to cope. again i tell my children the reasoning behind my departure. if they are so riled they are beyond comprehending what i am saying then they will asked to remove themselves from the situation. and again when sufficient time has passed we will sit down and discuss what has passed. all povs are taken into consideration.

Great job! You've got great instincts!

catefrances

Ahnimus wrote:

Right, but that doesn't say a thing about natural instinct. The reason Baumrind was able to catagorizing parenting into 3 distinct styles is because people naturally parent differently as a result of reciprocity and the entire state of the ecological system. How you parent "naturally" is not how someone else parents "naturally". So when you say "there is something to be said for natural instinct" you might be giving John Doe the advice to beat the living shit out of his son, because it's what is natural to him.

oh for fucks sake ryan. i explained my natural instinct. 'natural' and societal conformity are not the same. so perhaps using violence is natural for some.

Ahnimus

catefrances wrote:

oh for fucks sake ryan. i explained my natural instinct. 'natural' and societal conformity are not the same. so perhaps using violence is natural for some.

I've been blasted by my friends for picking people apart. But I do relax and forget to think sometimes. Just not on the moving train.

"Politics, current events - reasoned debate and discussion - we can all learn something new."

Catch me on the AET some time.

I must admit my response was affected by another thread, one that really pissed me off today. Please take no offense. I was just trying to have a debate.

catefrances

Ahnimus wrote:

I've been blasted by my friends for picking people apart. But I do relax and forget to think sometimes. Just not on the moving train.

"Politics, current events - reasoned debate and discussion - we can all learn something new."

Catch me on the AET some time.

I must admit my response was affected by another thread, one that really pissed me off today. Please take no offense. I was just trying to have a debate.

i have caught you over on AET.