Old Testament Law and George W. Bush (Satire)
ianvomsaal
Suncoast, FL Posts: 1,224
Here's a letter that was written to President Bush in 2004 regarding the Old Testament and a few things that are supposed to be "God's Law" (according to the Bible). This is for all those people that follow the Bible "word for word." This letter was of coarse meant to be very cynical, as it points out how ridiculous the book actually is. Feel free to share with your friends 
Cheers . . .
- Ian
The Bible is just a book - J.R.R. Tolkien writes great fiction too (I really like his "Lord Of The Rings" series).
Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your election victory and for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18.22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how best to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25.44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21.7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Leviticus 15.19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. (Leviticus 1.9) The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35.2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 11.10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?
7. Leviticus 21.20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19.27. How should they die?
9. I know from Leviticus 11.6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean. May I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19.19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24.10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, as we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Leviticus 20.14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Yours truly,
An Inquiring Supporter
P.S. I look forward to your answers because there are a number of other issues that I'd like to get settled as soon as you've enlightened me on these ... Thanks again
Cheers . . .
- Ian
The Bible is just a book - J.R.R. Tolkien writes great fiction too (I really like his "Lord Of The Rings" series).
Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your election victory and for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18.22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how best to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25.44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21.7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Leviticus 15.19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. (Leviticus 1.9) The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35.2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 11.10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?
7. Leviticus 21.20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19.27. How should they die?
9. I know from Leviticus 11.6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean. May I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19.19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24.10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, as we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Leviticus 20.14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Yours truly,
An Inquiring Supporter
P.S. I look forward to your answers because there are a number of other issues that I'd like to get settled as soon as you've enlightened me on these ... Thanks again
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Comments
Some what's up with homosexuality? Anything in the new covenant that says it's a sin?
edit: or an abomination or whatever.
naděje umírá poslední
There are a couple of somewhat vague references in the new testament, but it's definitely open for debate. I don't have time to look them up right now. What I find funny though is how many Christians today (and don't get me wrong, I am very much a Christian), like to pass judgement on others for what THEY consider to be abominations. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that if you are homosexual and you have accepted Jesus Christ into your life, then there is nothing that any naysayer can do to take that away.
When Jesus said "let he who is without sin cast the first stone", that was meant for everyone, including Christians today. We all have our little vices, and God doesn't see one sin as being worse than the other. How embarrassing it must be to look down on others as though you are something above and beyond them, yet in reality you are no better than they are. Anyone, especially any Christian, who tries to put themselves up on a pedastel is sure to fall eventually. That is the biggest problem with the church as a whole today. I've always believed that Christians do more harm to the reputation of Christianity than anyone else ever could.
Is this one of those rare cases where the sequel is better than the original?
If so, will there be a another installment to the franchise? You know, something like .....
The Bible III: Live Long, Die hard! No?
And maybe...... The Bible IV: The New Hope, He Is Your Father. ??????????
Would definitely have to end the franchise with......
The Bible VI: Return Of The Jewdi
Unless of course there was a Bible for the Dinosaurs, then, they could go do a back story franchise, too.
I'm neither homosexual nor have I accepted Jesus Christ into my life.
But I'm glad to read your post. It's nice to read in the midst of all the religious bullshit and bigotry.
naděje umírá poslední
Do you have a link to a credible news source to support and prove your statements?:D:D
Sure.
A couple of my favorite sources that seem to have stood the test of time are:
Romans 6:23
23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in[a] Christ Jesus our Lord.
and of course the always popular:
John 3:16
16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,[a] that whoever BELIEVES in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Not valid or credible news sources.
....have anything from The Onion or WhatReallyHappenedOn911.com?
Hmmmm...I'll have to look further into that.
(supposed to be) a progressive revelation. If you skip the first half of any good book and try to finish it, you will
have a hard time understanding the characters, the plot, and the ending. In the same way, the New Testament
is only completely understood when it is seen as a fulfillment of the events, characters, laws, sacrificial system,
covenants, and promises of the Old Testament.:
But I'll say it again . . .
The Bible is just a book - J.R.R. Tolkien writes great fiction too (I really like his "Lord Of The Rings" series).
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You are exactly right. Infact many of the prophesies and statements made in the Old Testament refer to the coming Messiah. Many of these prophesies Jesus actually fulfilled. So looking at it this way, the Old Testament actually makes the New Testament that much stronger. Of course that's where the whole argument between Jews and Christians comes into play.
I know that many many people feel that the Bible is just a collection of books and letters written by mere men, which in fact it was. However, I do believe that these men, and the men set forth with the task of creating the overall Bible we know today could have been and were inspired by God. That is just my belief. I mean really, I don't see how a God who created the Universe would really have a hard time getting a book written however he wanted it.
As I said, J.R.R. Tolkien writes great FICTION too (I really like his "Lord Of The Rings" series).
"And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories
for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that.
Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grand-
mother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty.
The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again."
That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was" - George Carlin
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Ironically I was just listening to this. That's funny.