late night political jokes
The Waiting Trophy Man
Posts: 12,158
"Twenty-three years ago two men shook hands [on screen: an '83 photo of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein]. No one then could have guessed how closely their fates would be intertwined, or that this week would be kind of a crappy week for both of them. Just days after Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death, Donald Rumsfeld was dealt an even crueler punishment -- irrelevance." --Jon Stewart
"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has resigned. He said he wants to spend more time promoting unnecessary conflicts within his own family." --Jay Leno
"Donald Rumsfeld was known as the architect of the Iraq war. He can feel proud of what he's built, because it's going to last for years and years and years." --Jay Leno
"As a result of this week's election, the new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is now the most powerful woman in the country. After hearing this, Oprah Winfrey said, 'Yeah right.'." --Conan O'Brien
"It has not been a good week for the Republicans. Actually, this election was like a divorce -- they got rejected, insulted and lost the House." --Jay Leno
"You know what GOP stands for? Going Out of Power." --Jay Leno
"It's ironic because Republicans always wanted to appeal to minorities. Now they are one." --Jay Leno
"Big, big win for the Democrats. Senator Hillary Clinton's overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that she will run for president in 2008. In other words, there was some good news for Republicans." --Conan O'Brien
"Today, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, 'I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively--and then I waited three years.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Here in California, the voters overwhelmingly decided they do not want Arnold Schwarzenegger to ever make another movie." --Jay Leno
"The only Republican now with a mandate is Congressman Mark Foley." --Jay Leno
"Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?." --Jay Leno
"Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector." --David Letterman
"You got to give (Rumsfeld) credit though. It might have taken him six years, but he finally came up with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno
"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has resigned. He said he wants to spend more time promoting unnecessary conflicts within his own family." --Jay Leno
"Donald Rumsfeld was known as the architect of the Iraq war. He can feel proud of what he's built, because it's going to last for years and years and years." --Jay Leno
"As a result of this week's election, the new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is now the most powerful woman in the country. After hearing this, Oprah Winfrey said, 'Yeah right.'." --Conan O'Brien
"It has not been a good week for the Republicans. Actually, this election was like a divorce -- they got rejected, insulted and lost the House." --Jay Leno
"You know what GOP stands for? Going Out of Power." --Jay Leno
"It's ironic because Republicans always wanted to appeal to minorities. Now they are one." --Jay Leno
"Big, big win for the Democrats. Senator Hillary Clinton's overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that she will run for president in 2008. In other words, there was some good news for Republicans." --Conan O'Brien
"Today, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, 'I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively--and then I waited three years.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Here in California, the voters overwhelmingly decided they do not want Arnold Schwarzenegger to ever make another movie." --Jay Leno
"The only Republican now with a mandate is Congressman Mark Foley." --Jay Leno
"Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?." --Jay Leno
"Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector." --David Letterman
"You got to give (Rumsfeld) credit though. It might have taken him six years, but he finally came up with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno
Another habit says it's in love with you
Another habit says its long overdue
Another habit like an unwanted friend
I'm so happy with my righteous self
Another habit says its long overdue
Another habit like an unwanted friend
I'm so happy with my righteous self
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"President Bush held a news conference where he vowed to work with the new Democratic majority, which, if true, can mean only one thing: the Democrats have a nuclear bomb." --Amy Poehler
"There were many reports of problems with the voting machines yesterday, especially with touch-screen voting machines. In fact, in Congressman Mark Foley's district, some of the machines were touched inappropriately." --Conan O'Brien
"You know what really gets me, Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. 'Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!' We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq." --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate too early. This is from the guy who put up the 'Mission Accomplished' sign three years ago." --Jay Leno
"How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in." --David Letterman
"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I love doing sequels, but this without any doubt is my favorite sequel." - Arnold Schwarzenegger
Not only does the hair make Tester look sincere and responsible, it makes him the one person in Congress who is literally level-headed. --Bill Maher on John Tester and his crew cut