some late night jokes
The Waiting Trophy Man
Posts: 12,158
"There's a lot of tension in the world. Over the weekend, Pope Benedict apologized to the Muslims. Altar boys, on the other hand, are still waiting for their apology." --David Letterman
"The Pope said those weren't his words. He said he was just quoting a 14th century Byzantine emperor. And today Mel Gibson said, 'Yeah, me too.'." --Jay Leno
"It's rumored in Washington that Condoleezza Rice has a new boyfriend. Allegedly, he's Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. Since he's a diplomat and he visits her at the White House, he has to have a Secret Service code name. Do you know what his Secret Service code name is? 'Captain Kirk.' You know why they call him that? Because he's going where no man has gone before." --Jay Leno
"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her." --Jay Leno
"Al Qaeda leaders have announced they're joining forces with an insurgent group in Algeria to help fight the French. How lame is this group in Algeria if they need help fighting the French?." --Jay Leno
"Terrible traffic gridlock in Manhattan today. I don't know if you know the reason, but it's because dozens of world leaders are in town at the United Nations today. France sent President Jacques Chirac, Canada sent Prime Minister Stephen Harper, and Mexico sent the five guys who aren't already here." --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, President Bush is in town, as well. Earlier today at the public library, President Bush and the First Lady gave a speech on literacy. Apparently, she was for it and he was against it." --Conan O'Brien
"Laura Bush is spending the weekend with Bill Clinton. She is the keynote speaker at the three-day Clinton Global Initiative. President Bush says he's OK with this, but we'll see how he feels when she comes back with her skirt on backwards and without that frozen smile." --Bill Maher
"Why does Robert Novak hate and why me? It's like I publicly revealed some piece of information he didn't want people to know, and ruined his career. And then, kept asserting it was everyone else's fault, but mine. I don't like this bad blood between us, Robert. If you're watching, and I know you're not, I think it's time to bury the hatchet. We need to get together and talk. We'll meet on neutral ground. You're on Fox. I'm on Comedy Central. How about the Food Network? We can work this out because I know that you're a good person deep down in your thing that they replaced your heart with. I see your redeeming qualities. For example, when I see you on television, you generously absorb all light and oxygen. When you leave an area, it stops raining. And I know in the past I've referred to you as a douchebag, but that's not an air of grandeur, that's just mean. I only said those things to you because I sincerely believe you're a terrible person." --Jon Stewart
"The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to build a 700-mile fence along the Mexican border. Apparently, the idea is to keep Mexicans from getting back home." --Conan O'Brien
"Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver." --David Letterman
"The Pope said those weren't his words. He said he was just quoting a 14th century Byzantine emperor. And today Mel Gibson said, 'Yeah, me too.'." --Jay Leno
"It's rumored in Washington that Condoleezza Rice has a new boyfriend. Allegedly, he's Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. Since he's a diplomat and he visits her at the White House, he has to have a Secret Service code name. Do you know what his Secret Service code name is? 'Captain Kirk.' You know why they call him that? Because he's going where no man has gone before." --Jay Leno
"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her." --Jay Leno
"Al Qaeda leaders have announced they're joining forces with an insurgent group in Algeria to help fight the French. How lame is this group in Algeria if they need help fighting the French?." --Jay Leno
"Terrible traffic gridlock in Manhattan today. I don't know if you know the reason, but it's because dozens of world leaders are in town at the United Nations today. France sent President Jacques Chirac, Canada sent Prime Minister Stephen Harper, and Mexico sent the five guys who aren't already here." --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, President Bush is in town, as well. Earlier today at the public library, President Bush and the First Lady gave a speech on literacy. Apparently, she was for it and he was against it." --Conan O'Brien
"Laura Bush is spending the weekend with Bill Clinton. She is the keynote speaker at the three-day Clinton Global Initiative. President Bush says he's OK with this, but we'll see how he feels when she comes back with her skirt on backwards and without that frozen smile." --Bill Maher
"Why does Robert Novak hate and why me? It's like I publicly revealed some piece of information he didn't want people to know, and ruined his career. And then, kept asserting it was everyone else's fault, but mine. I don't like this bad blood between us, Robert. If you're watching, and I know you're not, I think it's time to bury the hatchet. We need to get together and talk. We'll meet on neutral ground. You're on Fox. I'm on Comedy Central. How about the Food Network? We can work this out because I know that you're a good person deep down in your thing that they replaced your heart with. I see your redeeming qualities. For example, when I see you on television, you generously absorb all light and oxygen. When you leave an area, it stops raining. And I know in the past I've referred to you as a douchebag, but that's not an air of grandeur, that's just mean. I only said those things to you because I sincerely believe you're a terrible person." --Jon Stewart
"The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to build a 700-mile fence along the Mexican border. Apparently, the idea is to keep Mexicans from getting back home." --Conan O'Brien
"Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver." --David Letterman
Another habit says it's in love with you
Another habit says its long overdue
Another habit like an unwanted friend
I'm so happy with my righteous self
Another habit says its long overdue
Another habit like an unwanted friend
I'm so happy with my righteous self
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all i have to say is that two of the bussers that work where i work are going home to mexico soon. they worked in the states for three years. they worked two jobs at around 80 hours a week; EVERY WEEK, FOR 3 YEARS,...
they have worked harder than anyone i've ever seen, i've made so much more money because of them, and they are fun to work with. truly, i will miss them dearly. but the crazy thing is that these guys are going home to take a five year vacation and buy a new house, a big house. i think they deserve it.
~Ron Burgundy
'' This weekend Bush and the boys went fishing down in Texas, they didn't catch any fish, but he said he believes they were there. "
something like that...i dont know the exact wording...but it was back when our mission in iraq was for WMD's
remember those days...damn feels like a couple years ago
Another habit says its long overdue
Another habit like an unwanted friend
I'm so happy with my righteous self