Attention Liberals: Please Breed! Conservatives are outbirthing libs by wide margins.

SuzannePjam

Attention Liberals: Please Breed
Conservatives are outbirthing libs by a wide margin. How soon can you get knocked up?

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Friday, September 29, 2006

Let this be your rallying cry. Let it be your new hot-button topic, a raw naked condomless blog-ready wildfire underground grassroots crusade, your juiciest of incentive programs, your inspired call to hot naked impregnable sperm-a-riffic action.

Because the statistics are ugly, getting uglier: Despite all divine hope and prayer to the contrary, it looks like baby-happy conservatives are outbreeding liberals by a margin of some 20 to 40 percent.

It's a fact. It's a trend. It's an onslaught. It's a dreadful predicament and the reasons for the Republican baby blitz are myriad, having to do with the lethal Christian belief that God really wants big narcotized families and birth control is a sin and, well, what the hell else are social conservatives gonna do with all that oily Halliburton stock and Lockheed Martin profit? Donate to charity? Save the planet? Ha.

It is, as you can imagine, a looming catastrophe. But I am here to help. I am here to inspire the resistance, to propose solutions to this disastrous fertility gap and to help get liberals into the sack sans protection so they may go forth and multiply the number of people who adore "The Daily Show" and read actual books and think Aaron Sorkin is some sort of god.

Let me make the first offer right now: For every concerned well-educated progressive who reads this very column and agrees to have a child or two (instead of the increasingly common liberal alternative of, you know, getting a dog), which they will then lovingly nudge down the path of nuanced free-thinking nondogmatic independence, I shall hereby offer my personal services.

Like, say, babysitting. Free, once a month, so you and the spouse can go catch a movie and some Thai noodles and have public sex in Golden Gate Park, just like the old days. (Note: I am presuming you have HBO and wireless DSL and three kinds of single-malt scotch in your bar and a working hot tub, and I can put the kids to bed at 6 p.m.) Deal?

Or perhaps you'd like some free columnist swag? I have, right here on my desk, a stack of Possum Fur Nipple Warmers from my friends over at the New Zealand Nature Co. They're yours, with proof of liberal sonogram.

I hereby offer you a free lifetime subscription to The Chronicle. Please note: The Chronicle has no idea I am offering this. But I am quite certain they will see the value, especially when they envision the alternative: a future full of Fox media lemmings who only read Christianity Today and Playboy and Forbes. Shudder.

You still really, really want that dog? No problem. We shall start a program: Free rescued Golden Retriever or Labrador with every successful ovum fertilization. Free puppy/baby organic ice-cream socials in the parking lot at regional Whole Foods, once a month. Bonus: I shall even throw in my mad baby-naming skills. You need a stupendous, unique name for your new child? I am here for you. Jarrod. Allegra. Zaya. Rowan. Pomegranate. See? I've got a million of 'em. Well, maybe a hundred. Send me an e-mail. First come, first served. So to speak.


See, I am all about the incentives, all about providing the hot spark for your juicy procreative fire. And apparently we really need the motivation. Because the same census data show that progressives are having fewer babies, also for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that most of us live in big cities and housing costs are insanely growth-prohibitive and it's just too difficult to put the baby's room in the closet with the wireless router and the yoga equipment and the hydroponic, er, "medical" plants.

Not to mention the thing about progressive city dwellers generally possessing higher intelligence, better educations, a more nuanced understanding of the world. Translation: We tend to think that if God wants anything at all, She wants free birth control and fewer warmongering cretins and the wild uncontrolled spread of unconditional nondenominational love of a kind that doesn't necessarily require a diaper and a burp blanket and a college fund. I'm just saying.

I am willing to go even further. Pending the necessary venture capital, I shall open the Mark Morford Summer Camp for Luminous Toddlers. Here is where kids will learn the fine arts of archery, yoga, organic farming, naughty Spanish slang, frat-boy incapacitation techniques, sake classifications, Fox News Neocon Bull-- Detection, how to properly tune a Fender Strat, and how to look at breeding Christian conservatives and laugh and shrug and offer them a drink and a vibrator and a polyamorous weekend in Sonoma.

Why do I offer all this? Because the time is now. The issue is urgent. And because, well, I was wrong. I've always believed that it didn't really matter if conservatives were breeding more than liberals, because (the theory went) most kids invariably rebel against their parents' narrow dogma and hence all those GOP-duped kids would eventually wake up and run from the Dark Side like smart women shun the Catholic Church. Right?

Wrong. Turns out that four out of five kids end up sticking with the same political and religious affiliation as their parents, be they left, right or center. Hence, if the numbers continue as they are, we are on a collision course with a giant oatmealy wall of rashy whitewashed red-state blandness.

I know what you're thinking. Encourage breeding? In this abused, exploited, Bush-torn, Jennifer Aniston world? This is, you can argue, pure anathema to the progressive cause. And you are absolutely right. This is why I suggest another glorious option: adoption.

It's a solution as elegant as it is globally beneficial: We shall import the millions of orphaned foreign babies from China and India and Africa. We shall spread them evenly across the red states like exotic fertilizer and raise them as open-minded and spiritually inquisitive and hugely intelligent with a great eye for design and good sex toys and electric sports cars.

Voilà: Within a couple generations, we will have a class of gorgeous American beings who will effortlessly dazzle and woo the terrified Republican white-bread populace, and they will all interbreed and we shall beautifully mongrelize the gene pool and beat fundamentalist conservative righteousness out of the American bloodstream with the big stick of good sex and divine love and dark almond eyes.

What, too utopian? Too Angelina-Jolie-fever-dream? Fair enough. I am open to more practical solutions. Pouring massive amounts of birth control into the water supply in Kentucky and Utah and Colorado? Free condom-application demonstrations by porn stars with every fill-up of your Chevy pickup in Idaho? A global-warming luxury tax on all new Republican babies especially if conceived while listening to Kenny Chesney or Carrie Underwood? Works for me.

Meantime, preliminary sign-ups for the MMSCLT begin now. Oh, and if you need to become pregnant, I might be able to help with that, too. I have the experience. I know some people. It is, after all, your choice. You know what you have to do. What are you waiting for?

ledvedderman

I'm hoping all the offspring of these conservatives can see through the bullshit and vote the right way. I heard Rush Limbaugh talking about this the other day, that guy makes my fucking skin boil. If he had any idea how many times he goes against his own words every show, he wouldn't be such an arrogant prick

catefrances

SuzannePjam wrote:

Attention Liberals: Please Breed
Conservatives are outbirthing libs by a wide margin. How soon can you get knocked up?

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Friday, September 29, 2006

Let me make the first offer right now: For every concerned well-educated progressive who reads this very column and agrees to have a child or two (instead of the increasingly common liberal alternative of, you know, getting a dog), which they will then lovingly nudge down the path of nuanced free-thinking nondogmatic independence, I shall hereby offer my personal services.

i've had 4 children. i've done my bit.

OutOfBreath

Conservative parents does not make conservative children. Conservatives have always outbred the liberals as they do tend to be more familial and get lots of kids more often.

I should have been conservative if that held, and my sister (my younger siblings are too young to determine) and none of us are very conservative. I am pretty leftish, and she being a bit more centerish. Also, of the 3 kids my parents have that are of an age to decide, only 1 is a pronounced christian, even if my parents are pretty hard-core baptists.

So not worried about that.

Peace
Dan

Abuskedti

ledvedderman wrote:

I'm hoping all the offspring of these conservatives can see through the bullshit and vote the right way. I heard Rush Limbaugh talking about this the other day, that guy makes my fucking skin boil. If he had any idea how many times he goes against his own words every show, he wouldn't be such an arrogant prick

no.. its worse than that .. because he knows

macgyver06

how about we stop with the labels and titles

VictoryGin

Nice article. I'm a bit surprised at the amount of kids that have the same political beliefs as the parents; I would not have thought that. I've felt that if I had a daughter I'd be screwed because she'd be some crazy Republican asshole that flies in the face of feminism. Though if I have a son, I'd think he'd actually turn out to be a good guy, not some misogynist asshole that is so common in our society. Is there a trick involved? I mean look at the Keatons! Alex was certainly not what was expected. I would think you wouldn't want to force anything on anyone, but how do you ensure your kids aren't conservative?

Boom The Cat

Should it really make a difference? You shouldn't politically influence your kids, let them make their own decisions.

floyd1975

My parents used to be liberals (the whole time I was growing up) until I changed them.

Uncle Leo

Boom The Cat wrote:

Should it really make a difference? You shouldn't politically influence your kids, let them make their own decisions.

Parents do not necessarilly influence their kids blatently by saying "we're conservatives and you will be too" though they do that with religion more often then not. But kids WILL be influcenced based on the conversations going on in the home, etc.

VictoryGin

Boom The Cat wrote:

Should it really make a difference? You shouldn't politically influence your kids, let them make their own decisions.

Really? I'd think I'd step in on a child's decision making process if they were considering to bring a gun to school, just like I'd like to step in on that if they were deciding to become a republican. Isn't it a parent's job to influence their child positively? I mean of course they end up making their own decisions, but the influence is usually already there.

PaperPlates

I always figured liberal males had low sperm counts. Now I know it.

hippiemom

zstillings wrote:

My parents used to be liberals (the whole time I was growing up) until I changed them.

Haha! My parents were conservatives until I changed them

Ok, I did change mom many years ago, but I can't take all of the credit for dad ... George W. Bush helped me out a lot there.

Abookamongstthemany

Kabong's parents are staunch conservatives. Mine were just beatbeats/ non-existant...

I think straight-line conservative, habitual church going parents often breed rebelous, anti-authority type children.

DCGARDEN

OR...you wacky liberals could secretly get impregnated by the stud-Republicans of the human race ( like you secretly desire to) -

Sorry ladies...DCGARDEN..is spoken for

Rider

I think it all depends on the parents dedication to education for their kids. If they keep the kids at home watching TV, eating junk food and being scared of the "other" people, there will be more conservative nitwits in the future.

If the kids are raised healthily, i.e. reading, exploring and going on to a good colleges, there will be more liberals.

I think that the obvious failures of the neo-con movement (Iraq, the environment, campaign reform, health care, gas prices, Katrina etc) have done a good job of discrediting that line of thinking. Thanks, Bush and co.!

Jeanwah

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

I think straight-line conservative, habitual church going parents often breed rebelous, anti-authority type children.

Hmm. I grew up strictly Catholic, and although my mom is a Bush-lover, my Dad has always hated the Republicans. All of us kids in my family are smart...we think for ourselves, don't really go to church much anymore, and are liberal. Yet, we still have our faith.

Abookamongstthemany

Jeanwah wrote:

Hmm. I grew up strictly Catholic, and although my mom is a Bush-lover, my Dad has always hated the Republicans. All of us kids in my family are smart...we think for ourselves, don't really go to church much anymore, and are liberal. Yet, we still have our faith.

Yes, faith and liberalism can and do often exist together. The churchgoing, judgemental mentality was what I was refering to.

decides2dream

haha, yikes...although honestly i find it not surprising. i mean, let's face it....catholics are taught not to use birth control, all children are a gift, etc. now sure, many do still wisely choose to use BC, but nonetheless, id' think it would up their numbers.....and probably would hold true for more of the religious, who i would think most are of a more conservative stance. for whatever reason, i do think more liberal-minded individuals choose to have fewer, or no, children.

sorry, not even for the *cause*...my husband and i are remaining childless.

OutOfBreath wrote:

Conservative parents does not make conservative children. Conservatives have always outbred the liberals as they do tend to be more familial and get lots of kids more often.

I should have been conservative if that held, and my sister (my younger siblings are too young to determine) and none of us are very conservative. I am pretty leftish, and she being a bit more centerish. Also, of the 3 kids my parents have that are of an age to decide, only 1 is a pronounced christian, even if my parents are pretty hard-core baptists.

So not worried about that.

Peace
Dan

all good points.
i was raised in a rather strict, religious household.....but politically while overall i think my father was more conservative-leaning, he was a fairly open-minded and feminist thinker for a man of his generation...and my mother has gotten more and more liberal, finally...although most of my family is of a conservative mindset. don't know where me and my sister come from there.

Boom The Cat

VictoryGin wrote:

Really? I'd think I'd step in on a child's decision making process if they were considering to bring a gun to school, just like I'd like to step in on that if they were deciding to become a republican. Isn't it a parent's job to influence their child positively? I mean of course they end up making their own decisions, but the influence is usually already there.

Influence anything you want, I just think influencing Political persuasion is going too far.

hippiemom

Boom The Cat wrote:

Influence anything you want, I just think influencing Political persuasion is going too far.

If my kid comes home and says "Mommy, Joey says that people who don't support the president are bad and shouldn't live here," am I supposed to ignore that? Do I tell my kid "Well that's a perfectly valid viewpoint, dear, and you'll have to make up your own mind," or do I tell her that it's a crock of shit and why?

PaperPlates

hippiemom wrote:

If my kid comes home and says "Mommy, Joey says that people who don't support the president are bad and shouldn't live here," am I supposed to ignore that? Do I tell my kid "Well that's a perfectly valid viewpoint, dear, and you'll have to make up your own mind," or do I tell her that it's a crock of shit and why?

I had a picture in my mind of people like you with little pictures of chavez, fidel, and osama as mobile's in their cribs.

hippiemom

PaperPlates wrote:

I had a picture in my mind of people like you with little pictures of chavez, fidel, and osama as mobile's in their cribs.

Ah, memories! Nothing my girls loved more than snuggling up with their Karl Marx plush toys while we played "Redistribute The Wealth: The Anti-Monopoly Board Game."

PaperPlates

hippiemom wrote:

Ah, memories! Nothing my girls loved more than snuggling up with their Karl Marx plush toys while we played "Redistribute The Wealth: The Anti-Monopoly Board Game."

I knew it!!!!!

Boom The Cat

hippiemom wrote:

If my kid comes home and says "Mommy, Joey says that people who don't support the president are bad and shouldn't live here," am I supposed to ignore that? Do I tell my kid "Well that's a perfectly valid viewpoint, dear, and you'll have to make up your own mind," or do I tell her that it's a crock of shit and why?

Just tell him/her that it's Joeys' perogative and that he should make his own political decisions.

I just think that you shouldn't tell your kid what is politically right and wrong, let them make up their own mind. (Dont be a facist parent )

PaperPlates

Its not that liberals procreate any less. They simply abort most of their pregnancies. Liberal birth control, backfiring on them. Who'da thunk?

old and in the way

PaperPlates wrote:

Its not that liberals procreate any less. They simply abort most of their pregnancies. Liberal birth control, backfiring on them. Who'da thunk?

Good one plates, it does seem that many liberal minded folks are younger, more tuned into themselves and not ready to have children. When they are older and more ready to raise children they start leaning more conservative

Jeanwah

PaperPlates wrote:

Its not that liberals procreate any less. They simply abort most of their pregnancies. Liberal birth control, backfiring on them. Who'da thunk?

Just because liberals believe in pro-choice, doesn't mean they all run out and sign up for abortions, because they don't use birth control. Quite the opposite. Those who are educated are more likely to use birth control, remember. AND, we simply wait longer to have children. It's the growing trend regardless of your political view.

old and in the way wrote:

Good one plates, it does seem that many liberal minded folks are younger, more tuned into themselves and not ready to have children. When they are older and more ready to raise children they start leaning more conservative

Maybe you know some people, but I don't know of anyone who was liberally minded at a younger age, and went conservative as they got older.

rebornFixer

I went through this rebellious phase where I adopted ultra-liberal views in response to my parent's conservatism ... Not deliberately, I think it happened as a form of unconscious resistence. Now, I am much more centrist and pragmatic in my views on most issues ... My dad and I have great political discussions, although I still have more socialist tendencies than he does. He's very much an "every man for themselves" sort, and I am not.

VictoryGin

PaperPlates wrote:

Its not that liberals procreate any less. They simply abort most of their pregnancies. Liberal birth control, backfiring on them. Who'da thunk?

That's funny. I guess you'd be surprised at the amount of religious and/or conservative people who get abortion services. I've seen protestors cross the lines for services, even. And to say that liberals would abort "most" of their pregnancies is just stupid.

PaperPlates

Jeanwah wrote:

Just because liberals believe in pro-choice, doesn't mean they all run out and sign up for abortions, because they don't use birth control. Quite the opposite. Those who are educated are more likely to use birth control, remember. AND, we simply wait longer to have children. It's the growing trend regardless of your political view.


Maybe you know some people, but I don't know of anyone who was liberally minded at a younger age, and went conservative as they got older.

Then you haven't gotten old enough to follow the path and do it yourself, or you're too young to have met enought people. Or you are old and never leave your house.

Id think that many 35-50 year old conservatives were alot more liberal in their views on world affairs and politics, until they got old enough to actually have tasted reality.