my morning...a story of entrapment
farfromglorified
Posts: 5,696
So the dogs got me up early this morning....apparently eager to complete whatever canine battle royale they started last night. I herded them outside and flopped down into the hammock to have a smoke and watch them chase each other around. Eventually, I crawled back into bed to watch my girlfriend snore and threw tic-tacs into her half-open mouth because I think it's cute that she sucks on them without waking up. But throwing tic-tacs at your comatose girlfriend can only be entertaining for so long, and I realized that I wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep.
I went back downstairs in search of food, disappointed to find nothing but some eggs and a box of pop-tarts that I purchased sometime during the Clinton administration. Realizing that the dogs would be occupied and the girlfriend asleep for at least a few more hours, I decided to venture out and find some food. This was my first mistake.
I left home while it was still dark and headed east towards town, the sun rising in front of me. It was pleasantly warm and I had the windows down, stereo blaring, scaring the deer back into the woods. It felt like it was going to be a good day. No, check that....it felt like it was going be a great day.
I pulled into Weaver Street market downtown, a nice little coop that keeps wide hours and a fresh, albeit sometimes pretentious, stock. I filled up a basket with some fruits, a still-warm loaf of bread, a small brick of sweet-smelling cheese and a good, but not too good, bottle of chardonnay. By the way, if you're eating breakfast without chardonnay, you're not eating breakfast. And, come to think of it, the chardonnay at seven a.m. should have saved me -- good parents don't let their children talk to people who drink at seven a.m., right?
I paid for my food and made my way outside onto the lawn, commonly referred to here ironically as the "town commons" despite the fact the land is owned neither by the town nor the common people. I put out a huge spread, feeling a bit gluttonous but knowing that I'd have plenty to take home to the girlfriend and my roommate, both of whom were missing a glorious morning.
It was then that I heard the voice behind me: "Sir?"
I turned around. That was my second mistake.
Standing over me, but only because I was sitting on the ground, was the most adorable 10 year old girl you've ever seen. Long, dirty blond hair. Big blue eyes. A few freckles, but not too many. Dimples. For god's sake, dimples. And a smile as big and fresh as the piece of cantaloupe still lolling on the blanket in front of me.
"Can I help, you sweetheart", I said? My third mistake.
"Yes you can, sir," she said in a voice that was just a little too polite. As she said that, I noticed the satchel slung over her shoulder, hanging heavily as it was obviously full of something.
"I'm selling cookies to support my girl scout troop. Would you like some?"
Would I??? Of course I would. Are you daft, sweet little girl? Who wouldn't like some girl scout cookies? Furthermore, who could ever say no to this girl? I bet she wasn't even a girl-scout, but rather some kind of fund-raising mercenary with bows.
I was dumbfounded. I knew I was trapped. I knew it was hopeless.
"Of course I would," I said, hoping she'd hand me a box, take my money, and just leave me alone. But then it happened. The worst possible thing. She asked the question that has no answer:
"How many boxes would you like, sir?" she asked. It was then I realized how infinity was discovered.
So, nearly $200 later (thank god I only had cash on me, and not a checkbook), I left Weaver Street market with a half-eaten cantaloupe, a barely touched brick of cheese, a loaf of bread that was now cooled, a bottle of chardonnay minus a glass or two, and enough Thin Mints to solve world hunger.
As the latest victim of these pre-teen demons, I feel it's time to take a stand. We must put a stop to this evil. It's time to change the rules and turn the tables in our favor. First, girl scout cookies should no longer be allowed to be delicious. Secondly, girl scout cookies should no longer be sold by girl scouts, but rather by their fat, bald, slightly demented grandfathers, especially the ones who still wear bike shorts. And they should cost $1,000 per box, ensuring that no one will ever be asked again "how many boxes would you like?"
So here I sit, back home, trying to figure out how to explain the giant pile of girlscout cookies now sitting in my living room to my girlfriend and, eventually, my roommate. But explanations are probably unnecessary. They were probably both girl scouts once too. They know what evil joke I'm now the butt of. Meanwhile, I've already eaten two boxes, destroying any hope I ever had getting back in shape in time for this springs tennis and surf seasons.
Like so many before me, the girl scouts have ruined my life.
So be careful out there. And don't say you haven't been warned. It's that time of year again, and unassuming, cute little girls are now running rampant through your town hawking their death cookies.
But if you can't resist, and if for some crazy reason you actually want to, support your local girl scouts. I know they won't solve global warming and it's unlikely that they'll negotiate a lasting peace between the Israelis and Palestinians, but they might just instill some self-confidence into some girls in a world that too often tells them they shouldn't have it, or worse, don't need it. And those are the girls who grow up to have people like me fall in love with them. And those are the girls who make this world a place worth living in. And those are the girls who make the rest of us look pretty silly in comparison to who they are and what they've become.
http://www.girlscouts.org/
I went back downstairs in search of food, disappointed to find nothing but some eggs and a box of pop-tarts that I purchased sometime during the Clinton administration. Realizing that the dogs would be occupied and the girlfriend asleep for at least a few more hours, I decided to venture out and find some food. This was my first mistake.
I left home while it was still dark and headed east towards town, the sun rising in front of me. It was pleasantly warm and I had the windows down, stereo blaring, scaring the deer back into the woods. It felt like it was going to be a good day. No, check that....it felt like it was going be a great day.
I pulled into Weaver Street market downtown, a nice little coop that keeps wide hours and a fresh, albeit sometimes pretentious, stock. I filled up a basket with some fruits, a still-warm loaf of bread, a small brick of sweet-smelling cheese and a good, but not too good, bottle of chardonnay. By the way, if you're eating breakfast without chardonnay, you're not eating breakfast. And, come to think of it, the chardonnay at seven a.m. should have saved me -- good parents don't let their children talk to people who drink at seven a.m., right?
I paid for my food and made my way outside onto the lawn, commonly referred to here ironically as the "town commons" despite the fact the land is owned neither by the town nor the common people. I put out a huge spread, feeling a bit gluttonous but knowing that I'd have plenty to take home to the girlfriend and my roommate, both of whom were missing a glorious morning.
It was then that I heard the voice behind me: "Sir?"
I turned around. That was my second mistake.
Standing over me, but only because I was sitting on the ground, was the most adorable 10 year old girl you've ever seen. Long, dirty blond hair. Big blue eyes. A few freckles, but not too many. Dimples. For god's sake, dimples. And a smile as big and fresh as the piece of cantaloupe still lolling on the blanket in front of me.
"Can I help, you sweetheart", I said? My third mistake.
"Yes you can, sir," she said in a voice that was just a little too polite. As she said that, I noticed the satchel slung over her shoulder, hanging heavily as it was obviously full of something.
"I'm selling cookies to support my girl scout troop. Would you like some?"
Would I??? Of course I would. Are you daft, sweet little girl? Who wouldn't like some girl scout cookies? Furthermore, who could ever say no to this girl? I bet she wasn't even a girl-scout, but rather some kind of fund-raising mercenary with bows.
I was dumbfounded. I knew I was trapped. I knew it was hopeless.
"Of course I would," I said, hoping she'd hand me a box, take my money, and just leave me alone. But then it happened. The worst possible thing. She asked the question that has no answer:
"How many boxes would you like, sir?" she asked. It was then I realized how infinity was discovered.
So, nearly $200 later (thank god I only had cash on me, and not a checkbook), I left Weaver Street market with a half-eaten cantaloupe, a barely touched brick of cheese, a loaf of bread that was now cooled, a bottle of chardonnay minus a glass or two, and enough Thin Mints to solve world hunger.
As the latest victim of these pre-teen demons, I feel it's time to take a stand. We must put a stop to this evil. It's time to change the rules and turn the tables in our favor. First, girl scout cookies should no longer be allowed to be delicious. Secondly, girl scout cookies should no longer be sold by girl scouts, but rather by their fat, bald, slightly demented grandfathers, especially the ones who still wear bike shorts. And they should cost $1,000 per box, ensuring that no one will ever be asked again "how many boxes would you like?"
So here I sit, back home, trying to figure out how to explain the giant pile of girlscout cookies now sitting in my living room to my girlfriend and, eventually, my roommate. But explanations are probably unnecessary. They were probably both girl scouts once too. They know what evil joke I'm now the butt of. Meanwhile, I've already eaten two boxes, destroying any hope I ever had getting back in shape in time for this springs tennis and surf seasons.
Like so many before me, the girl scouts have ruined my life.
So be careful out there. And don't say you haven't been warned. It's that time of year again, and unassuming, cute little girls are now running rampant through your town hawking their death cookies.
But if you can't resist, and if for some crazy reason you actually want to, support your local girl scouts. I know they won't solve global warming and it's unlikely that they'll negotiate a lasting peace between the Israelis and Palestinians, but they might just instill some self-confidence into some girls in a world that too often tells them they shouldn't have it, or worse, don't need it. And those are the girls who grow up to have people like me fall in love with them. And those are the girls who make this world a place worth living in. And those are the girls who make the rest of us look pretty silly in comparison to who they are and what they've become.
http://www.girlscouts.org/
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
and what ever you do don't buy boy scout popcorn just give them a few bucks to go away it's horrible.
Seriously, you're bringing tears to my eyes! Literally! :rolleyes: Not to mention you're putting both Stephen King AND Judy Blume to shame! All over a subject as mundane and yet as profound as girl scouts! *sigh* :rolleyes:
http://www.myspace.com/illuminatta
Rhinocerous Surprise '08!!!
http://www.myspace.com/illuminatta
Rhinocerous Surprise '08!!!
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength
http://www.myspace.com/illuminatta
Rhinocerous Surprise '08!!!
Did the dogs really come up to your bed and get you up or did you get out of bed on your own free will?
If you wanted to go back to sleep perhaps having a smoke is not the ideal thing to do.
Are eggs and poptarts not good enough for breakfast? Many around the world would disagree.
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength
Great story by the way
http://www.wishlistfoundation.org
Oh my, they dropped the leash.
Morgan Freeman/Clint Eastwood 08' for President!
"Make our day"
I was a girl scout and got ambushed by a couple of girls from another troop one year. I apparently trespassed on their 'turf'. They pushed me in a sticker bush and tore up my order forms. :(
but the illusion of knowledge.
~Daniel Boorstin
Only a life lived for others is worth living.
~Albert Einstein
I was a Girl "Guide" too baraka!
Only we never sold cookies back in the day. I remember doing something called "bob a job" which the scouts did here also, and we ran car washes, and I think we may have sold chocolates once or twice.
Those evil girl scouts that messed with you? I'll help you hunt them down!!
That's just not nice!! :mad: We can challenge them to a bake off our something!!
Mostly our guides, were a fun and sweet bunch. Well except for my cousin, but she was evil in and outside of guides, so I can't really blame the guides for that!!
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Thanks Jeanie! I'm sure karma has paid those meanies a visit by now! I wasn't a brownie, just a girl scout. I have fond memories. Sold a lot of girl scout cookies! My parents never helped out by taking the forms to work, so it was up to me to hit the streets.
but the illusion of knowledge.
~Daniel Boorstin
Only a life lived for others is worth living.
~Albert Einstein
http://www.wishlistfoundation.org
Oh my, they dropped the leash.
Morgan Freeman/Clint Eastwood 08' for President!
"Make our day"
Did she hold a gun to your head?
but the illusion of knowledge.
~Daniel Boorstin
Only a life lived for others is worth living.
~Albert Einstein
Cookie sales are a serious thing to a girl scout! I was never as clever as the one that shook FFG down for $200 worth of cookies, though.
but the illusion of knowledge.
~Daniel Boorstin
Only a life lived for others is worth living.
~Albert Einstein
Yeah, I have fond memories of my guiding days. It was a lot of fun!
I guess fundraising is always a stress. Especially when you're a kid!
I suppose it teaches you to communicate with people though. And to use your assets.
As clearly shown, by the minx that rolled ffg!
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Jeanwah!!! How cool!!
Who can we stitch up first?
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
that and your pillow is gone...
and reveling in it's loyalty. It's made by forming coalitions
over specific principles, goals, and policies.
http://i36.tinypic.com/66j31x.jpg
(\__/)
( o.O)
(")_(")
http://www.wishlistfoundation.org
Oh my, they dropped the leash.
Morgan Freeman/Clint Eastwood 08' for President!
"Make our day"
Yeah, that time of year always stressed me out! Instead of selling 'stuff' for my daughters daycare, we just made a donation.
Hilarious!!! Oh, my GS cookies were just delivered. The little girl was adorable, but I had some self control and only ordered 2 boxes. Thin Mints...yummy!
but the illusion of knowledge.
~Daniel Boorstin
Only a life lived for others is worth living.
~Albert Einstein
Hehe...yes, a gun loaded with cuteness.
No, or at least not for this reason. I buy a shitload of these things every year. I'll eat Thin Mints until it makes me nauseous and then just take the rest into the office.
Hah...her name was Samantha, and I'll never forget her. *sigh*
Good idea!!! I must remember that!
Yes I think the PJ Gabbly Girl Guides could be a powerful lobby group here on the board!!!
So I must know, what's a Thin Mint?
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Well dear, I think you've opened up a whole other can of worms for yourself, judging from the illustrious scouting alumni that you've uncovered!!
Who'd of thunk it?
Samantha might be the least of your troubles!
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
yep girlscouts, where do you think we girls learned how to sell our cookies and pitch tents?
angels share laughter
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Yay prism!!!
Yeah, I think the reason they stopped Bob a Job and the door to door cookie sales here was because of fears for the safety of the girls. Not that I've ever heard of anything bad ever happening to a Girl Guide here.
Strange how we've come to change as a society.
I actually went right back through my guiding badges last year and sewed them all onto a piece of blue cloth, so that I'd always have them together.
And I got all the handbooks sent out too. It was great looking back over to see what I actually had to do to earn my badges.
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Woohoo!! This is soo exciting!! The PJ Girl Scout gang!!
Should have known you'd be one of us!!
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift