Political jokes
miller8966
Posts: 1,450
If a tree fell in the forest, and a conservative wasn't around, would it still kill the liberal chained to it?
Q. What's green, has 6 holes and smells like REMOVED?
A. Bill Clinton's pool table.
You might be a Liberal if:
You think the rich can get richer off people who have no money.
If you have ever used the phrase "protecting prisoner's rights".
You've ever referred to the Military/Industrial Complex during a
conversation.
You file suit against the mall rent-a-cops for posting signs stating
that your bags are subject to inspection.
You've ever argued that "you can't legislate morality".
Referred to the Founding Fathers as "those aristocratic, chauvinistic,
lily white, slave owning, land stealing oppressors of indigenous
personnel".
You've ever said "But look at all the good Ted Kennedy has done for
this country!"
You've ever stared at a wall and said "Now THAT is definitely man's
inhumanity to man!"
You argue that the only flaw with Marx is that Russia was an agrarian
society.
You've ever called the meter maid a Fascist.
You argue that the Second Amendment only refers to Federally organized
militias.
You view Jane Fonda as a courageous heroine with strong convictions.
After looking at your pay stub you can still say "America is
undertaxed."
You've ever said "We really should call the ACLU about this."
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember.
You believe it because "Dan Rather wouldn't lie about something this
important."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a
tax hike because..."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim of Draconian
budget cuts."
You've ever argued that with just 1 more year of welfare that person
will turn it around and get off drugs.
You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and the poor clerk
at the unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such good
work.
You want government to find alternative energy sources but lobby for the
rights of one Alaskan bird to live in its preferred tree.
You believe our government must do it because Europe does.
You think socialism will catch on once society has evolved.
You've ever stated "How does what he does in his personal life have
any bearing on doing his job?"
And this was all pre-George Bush.
Q. What's green, has 6 holes and smells like REMOVED?
A. Bill Clinton's pool table.
You might be a Liberal if:
You think the rich can get richer off people who have no money.
If you have ever used the phrase "protecting prisoner's rights".
You've ever referred to the Military/Industrial Complex during a
conversation.
You file suit against the mall rent-a-cops for posting signs stating
that your bags are subject to inspection.
You've ever argued that "you can't legislate morality".
Referred to the Founding Fathers as "those aristocratic, chauvinistic,
lily white, slave owning, land stealing oppressors of indigenous
personnel".
You've ever said "But look at all the good Ted Kennedy has done for
this country!"
You've ever stared at a wall and said "Now THAT is definitely man's
inhumanity to man!"
You argue that the only flaw with Marx is that Russia was an agrarian
society.
You've ever called the meter maid a Fascist.
You argue that the Second Amendment only refers to Federally organized
militias.
You view Jane Fonda as a courageous heroine with strong convictions.
After looking at your pay stub you can still say "America is
undertaxed."
You've ever said "We really should call the ACLU about this."
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember.
You believe it because "Dan Rather wouldn't lie about something this
important."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a
tax hike because..."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim of Draconian
budget cuts."
You've ever argued that with just 1 more year of welfare that person
will turn it around and get off drugs.
You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and the poor clerk
at the unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such good
work.
You want government to find alternative energy sources but lobby for the
rights of one Alaskan bird to live in its preferred tree.
You believe our government must do it because Europe does.
You think socialism will catch on once society has evolved.
You've ever stated "How does what he does in his personal life have
any bearing on doing his job?"
And this was all pre-George Bush.
America...the greatest Country in the world.
Post edited by Unknown User on
0
Comments
i thought it was a republican president that coined the term 'military/industrial complex' as well as warn against them?
how simplistic...they get richer off their labor, they have no money b/c they don't get paid enough for that labor
he had a voice that was strong and loud and
i swallowed his facade cos i'm so
eager to identify with
someone above the crowd
someone who seemed to feel the same
someone prepared to lead the way
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?!"
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell.... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margaritaand relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.
They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.. kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar...drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
he had a voice that was strong and loud and
i swallowed his facade cos i'm so
eager to identify with
someone above the crowd
someone who seemed to feel the same
someone prepared to lead the way
That whole bit was brilliant, and I'll tell you why. It was obviously an homage to Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..." routine. Those conservative-slanted "jokes" were unbelievably unfunny. Profoundly sad and lame. Really, really lame, but that's just it! The lameness is what makes the thing great, though. It's a brilliant bit of (probably unintentional) satire. It's great because it's fucking lame, just like Jeff Foxworthy! It's so meta! The guy who wrote that sucks just like Jeff Foxworthy sucks!
Brilliant.