"seasonal affective disorder" OR just bad associative memories?
DriftingByTheStorm
Posts: 8,684
Maybe this belongs in AET, but i love you guys, so here goes:
I'm a pretty cheerful guy, most all the time.
Even though my outlook on a lot of things is uncommonly glum, my personal disposition remains pretty upbeat. Ofcourse, like a lot of people, i have my fears and moments of self-doubt, but on the whole I tend to be pretty humorous and vibrant...
... that is ...
... until the beginning of August!
I don't know what it is, but it is a phenomenon I have catalogued and reflected on every year since adolescence.
When i was 19 or 20, and i became acutely aware of it, I attributed it to "the start of the school year" ...
... i never went to 4 year school, so I assumed it was a learned physiological process associated with 16 or so years of primary education and it's traditional fall start time.
... I am still not sure what the real cause is ... i guess i am just seeking some opinions and would like some input from others.
To be clear, i am not talking about crazy manic mood swings, or intense suicidal (or any such) thoughts ...
... this is a melancholy haze ...
WOW.
Ironic timing here, sitting at an internet cafe, "Just Like Heaven" by the Cure came on ...
I used to drive around in my car smoking pot and listening to The Cure's Disintegration or Show in late summer ... when the days got a bit cooler, and the sun was still up and warm, but breezy ...
... i have always found some sort of solace in this, but at the same time it makes me wonder if this is a personal memory, or something that others feel as well.
The start of August (not by calendar, just by atmospheric conditions) is a time where i more often get in to this mood of like:
"see all the people at the bar having fun? why aren't i?" or "what could i be doing right now more personaly rewarding? or such ...
i dunno... why would i be assaulted with feelings of personal inadequacy, regret, and insecurity so much more during this time? i don't get it. is it some deep rooted unconscious scream from the part of me that says "why didn't you go to college and learn something, and have fun and be a kid?" or is it something more base and common in the human experience?
Anyone?
I'd keep typing, but i think i got the point across and then some. I'll wait for a response or two.
I'm a pretty cheerful guy, most all the time.
Even though my outlook on a lot of things is uncommonly glum, my personal disposition remains pretty upbeat. Ofcourse, like a lot of people, i have my fears and moments of self-doubt, but on the whole I tend to be pretty humorous and vibrant...
... that is ...
... until the beginning of August!
I don't know what it is, but it is a phenomenon I have catalogued and reflected on every year since adolescence.
When i was 19 or 20, and i became acutely aware of it, I attributed it to "the start of the school year" ...
... i never went to 4 year school, so I assumed it was a learned physiological process associated with 16 or so years of primary education and it's traditional fall start time.
... I am still not sure what the real cause is ... i guess i am just seeking some opinions and would like some input from others.
To be clear, i am not talking about crazy manic mood swings, or intense suicidal (or any such) thoughts ...
... this is a melancholy haze ...
WOW.
Ironic timing here, sitting at an internet cafe, "Just Like Heaven" by the Cure came on ...
I used to drive around in my car smoking pot and listening to The Cure's Disintegration or Show in late summer ... when the days got a bit cooler, and the sun was still up and warm, but breezy ...
... i have always found some sort of solace in this, but at the same time it makes me wonder if this is a personal memory, or something that others feel as well.
The start of August (not by calendar, just by atmospheric conditions) is a time where i more often get in to this mood of like:
"see all the people at the bar having fun? why aren't i?" or "what could i be doing right now more personaly rewarding? or such ...
i dunno... why would i be assaulted with feelings of personal inadequacy, regret, and insecurity so much more during this time? i don't get it. is it some deep rooted unconscious scream from the part of me that says "why didn't you go to college and learn something, and have fun and be a kid?" or is it something more base and common in the human experience?
Anyone?
I'd keep typing, but i think i got the point across and then some. I'll wait for a response or two.
If I was to smile and I held out my hand
If I opened it now would you not understand?
If I opened it now would you not understand?
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
We live in a fast paced world. We don't get a lot of opportunities to relax and enjoy living. The summer races by and we are left with the gloomy winter to continue on our trek through modern society. Worse, it all repeats again next year. We can reflect upon the past years, only to realize the inevitable future.
Drink some wine, it'll help.
Lol. Thanks. I'm headed out to a bar tonight to see Lamb Handler play, and to catch up with an old ex-girlfriend. Weirdness.
I will definately have a drink or four.
Thanks for your broadspectrum analysis.
If I opened it now would you not understand?
Get into your 30's while sitting in a cubicle that may or not face any windows or see any hint of sunlight or darkness or climate change or impending hurricanes or snowstorms or bombs from foreign countries....Drive to that cubicle in the early morning hours before daylight savings time when the earth is still dark and drivers hopefully remember to turn on their headlights because otherwise they are totally fucked and you all know you've seen one or two oddball cars out there on the freeway/highway/thruway/expressway or the odd back road that you drive on to get to work in the morning and there's that oddball car out there with no headlights on and you wonder if it has a driver or even a passenger and then in the winter it's dark when you leave, after you've read that last email and filed that last file and crammed all of tomorrow's work into the deepest, darkest, most out of the way drawer or shelf or corner of your cubicle so that you can go home looking like you finished all your work for the next two years....
Get a job, and you will no longer feel this melancholy in August, unless it's over the fact that school buses and college students and teens now share the road with you on your commute to work.
Save the melancholy for Christmas, like the rest of us adults do. It saves on doctor bills.
Drifting...it's the change in seasons more than anything.
Thumbs up on that late summer cruising...
and reveling in it's loyalty. It's made by forming coalitions
over specific principles, goals, and policies.
http://i36.tinypic.com/66j31x.jpg
(\__/)
( o.O)
(")_(")
Drifting if you seriously have SAD you can get a lot of relief from sitting under a special LED light for an hour or so each day and increasing your Vitamin D intake. It all works on the fact that you are exposed to less sunlight in the Winter months. Anyway, having suffered chronic SAD and depression every winter for a long time, I tried both the LED and the Vitamin D and I'm just coming out of Winter now and I have to say that compared to previous years this one was a walk in the park and I had some heinously shitty things going on too! Anyway, just thought I'd mention it.
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Have you tried, or are you referring to, the Mind-Spa?
http://www.atrendyhome.com/mindspa.html
I haven't tried that no ryan, thanks for the link.
The LED lights for treatment of SAD that I used I actually got from my counsellor who borrowed it from her supervisor who is a psychologist. I confess I've seen them before on the internet but mostly only in America and they were practically impossible to find out about or purchase here in Oz. I was just really lucky that I lucked onto being able to borrow one. And I found it most effective. I'll see if I can find out what it was called.
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Well it was something very similar to this one.
http://www.sadbox.co.uk/apollo-golite-portable-light-therapy-p-103.html?sadboxid=837372f2cc901382e572647aeea0b4fc
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
i've done the cubicle thing plenty of times ... headed back for one in a week or so when i move.
jeanie - thanks for the advice.
i kind've used "SAD" in the title just for contrast.
i'd place money on the root cause of my "disorder" (doubt it's really a disorder) being something more sublte ... some sort of emotional memory tied with the seasons ... i dunno ... hey, maybe it is SAD, though ... i'll check out those links ... whats the fucking worst sitting under a light for an hour could do me? and taking my fred flinstones? doesn't sound half bad.
anyhow.
thanks for all the responses guys.
i wanna rememphasize that i am not a depressed person on average. it's just the early fall that seems to see me become a bit more "pensively reflective" or some such.
anyhow.
i went out last night and had fun.
woo hoo!
If I opened it now would you not understand?
Are you truly not a depressed person or are you pretending to not be depressed?
did you read the post?
i said on early fall days i get somber and pensive.
where did you see me say i pull out a knife and start cutting myself?
i'm not depressed.
i just don't understand why when fall starts, and for a few weeks i get in this wierd funk mood.
???
If I opened it now would you not understand?
No worries!
But I understand this funk of which you speak, it happens to me. I bet you get all excited and frisky and silly when the blossoms come out in spring and the weather warms up too!
Anyway, I'm glad you went out and had fun and yeah, maybe check out the lamps or just get a little more info on SAD, it certainly can't hurt.
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Interestingly, autumn and winter are my favorite seasons. We have beautiful autumns where I live and I love to go snowboarding. I tend to get a bit down during the summer for some reason.
but the illusion of knowledge.
~Daniel Boorstin
Only a life lived for others is worth living.
~Albert Einstein
You have REVERSE Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Look it up!
Anyhow ... i dunno.
maybe it's sad, maybe its memories tied to the seasons, maybe it's a bit of both ...
either way, it's not every day, and it's not debilitating ... i just wondered if anyone else had a similar story.
If I opened it now would you not understand?
I've had SAD, and it usually happens in the bleakness of winter, not in Autumn. If you could use some rejuvenation though (and it definately sounds like you do), get outside. Moreover, EXERCISE. The minute I picked up running, I was cured from SAD every since. Where do you live? If it's in an area with the seasons, get outside for a hike and check out the great colors, nature really does cure. But if even that doesn't help, any sort of exercise will, it releases endorphins which makes you a happier person.
Whoa, buddy...I never asked if you were suicidal (or personality disordered) or implied that you said you were...Just asking a question - I know that a lot of people who are depressed, generally pretend to not be in order to function and live their lives...and eventually they just can't pretend anymore. Besides, being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of or embarassed by (but my bad spelling is!)
But now that you've clarified that its only for a few weeks, it doesn't sound like SAD. Usually, if you have been feeling down and miserable for two weeks or more, that's when it's time to see the GP. Perhaps you have some sort of anxiety disorder, which can cause depressive-like symptoms. Since it starts at the beginning of the school year, and only lasts a few weeks, that sounds more like some form of anxiety.....
yeah but i don't go to school.
thats what i was trying to get at in my original post.
the only "logical" explanation i can come up with ... one based on experience, emotion, and cognitive psych would be that i get depressed around the start of the "school year" because deep down i am guilty about not having gone to college ... i started noticing this feeling right out of highschool (maybe a year or two?) so who knows ... actually when i think about it now ... the first year i noticed it, it was after highschool, but the feeling felt like "deja vu" ... i was upset because it was a sad sort of feeling, but it felt like something i knew i had experienced before ... as the years went on, it became clear that it was an autumn thing ... i do think that part of it is depression over the school year ... perhaps if not regret for schooling i did NOT get, maybe its just emotional memory of how depressing grade and high school were ... like my body is shocked to find itself not back in the boring ass classroom listening to bullshit ... it gets depressed just because it thinks it should be ... ???
... but i don't really think that it the whole answer,
though it could be part.
i think it is part regret, part seasonal change -- i mean, just the way the sun hangs lazy at the end of an early autumn day, with the sound of birds dying down from summer peak levels ... everything is just in remission ... it is kind of a reflective, contemplative, sombre atmosphere ... on the very face of it ... part emotional memory of school years past ... etc.
maybe i'm just overly perceptive to all that?
i dunno.
If I opened it now would you not understand?