planes, trains, and autobiographies
walden freeman
Posts: 511
we started
by christmas carolling
at local graveyards
moved on
to cartwheeling
down supermarket aisles
bumping into shelves
eventually tried
to sleep so sound
would wake us up
we ended up trying
to make the greatest knot
and in the end found out
they were all tied
by christmas carolling
at local graveyards
moved on
to cartwheeling
down supermarket aisles
bumping into shelves
eventually tried
to sleep so sound
would wake us up
we ended up trying
to make the greatest knot
and in the end found out
they were all tied
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
I hope you don't mind my saying so, but I found this one verse to be a little awkward when I got to "to sleep so sound" "would wake us up". Because at first I was thinking of sound sleep, or "to sleep soundly". So when I got to "would wake us up" I felt that there was a word missing somewhere. Of course, having read it again, I understand the intent now, but I'm just wondering if a line break in a different place might not help.
Otherwise, as usual, a beautiful piece of work.
to sleep so sound
it could wake us up
Yeah, I can't get shit like that past other writers though, lol.