planes, trains, and autobiographies

walden freeman
walden freeman Posts: 511
edited November 2008 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
we started
by christmas carolling
at local graveyards

moved on
to cartwheeling
down supermarket aisles
bumping into shelves

eventually tried
to sleep so sound
would wake us up

we ended up trying
to make the greatest knot
and in the end found out
they were all tied
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • Bu2
    Bu2 Posts: 1,693
    walden freeman wrote:
    eventually tried
    to sleep so sound
    would wake us up

    I hope you don't mind my saying so, but I found this one verse to be a little awkward when I got to "to sleep so sound" "would wake us up". Because at first I was thinking of sound sleep, or "to sleep soundly". So when I got to "would wake us up" I felt that there was a word missing somewhere. Of course, having read it again, I understand the intent now, but I'm just wondering if a line break in a different place might not help.

    Otherwise, as usual, a beautiful piece of work.
    Feels Good Inc.
  • justam
    justam Posts: 21,415
    Maybe like this so it means both "soundly" and "noise"-->



    to sleep so sound
    it could wake us up
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • walden freeman
    walden freeman Posts: 511
    Yeah Justam got it. I had to negate the adverb and use the adjective in its place to make it work. I hate grammatical errors and such, but hey, most people wouldn't know the difference between an adverb and an adjective anyway. The average person uses adjectives in place of adverbs and doesn't think twice about it and since this is about me and another person who does it constantly, I forgave myself.

    Yeah, I can't get shit like that past other writers though, lol.

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