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what i might change

walden freemanwalden freeman Posts: 511
edited July 2008 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
i can tell time lies
lies and i watch
my wrists
while ten million moths
dust off these old crops

nothing is permanent forever;
gather the separatists
the raccoons are ready
and waiting in warpaint

i was set up
to be upset:
my bones were stiff and marred by marrow
and i built two rooms:
one for improvement, one for error

keep in mind
i'm out of my mind
and sardonic as
a can of worm-
fed sardines
check your mirror for me

and on your radar, a shadow
at five o'clock . . .
don't come home
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • walden freemanwalden freeman Posts: 511
    FFFFUCK! No "lies" on the first line. Damnit I type these up too fast.
  • SVRDhand13SVRDhand13 Posts: 26,169
    Wow I like that a lot. A REAL lot.

    Please don't be offended by this but I would offer one suggestion:

    "Nothing is permanent forever" is redundant.

    How about "Nothing lasts forever" or "Nothing is permanent"?
    severed hand thirteen
    2006: Gorge 7/23 2008: Hartford 6/27 Beacon 7/1 2009: Spectrum 10/30-31
    2010: Newark 5/18 MSG 5/20-21 2011: PJ20 9/3-4 2012: Made In America 9/2
    2013: Brooklyn 10/18-19 Philly 10/21-22 Hartford 10/25 2014: ACL10/12
    2015: NYC 9/23 2016: Tampa 4/11 Philly 4/28-29 MSG 5/1-2 Fenway 8/5+8/7
    2017: RRHoF 4/7   2018: Fenway 9/2+9/4   2021: Sea Hear Now 9/18 
    2022: MSG 9/11  2024: MSG 9/3-4 Philly 9/7+9/9 Fenway 9/15+9/17
  • walden freemanwalden freeman Posts: 511
    Thank you for the feedback. I think you missed the point of the line though. I was going for a sort of poignant ironic redunancy. Nothing "permanent" is really going to last forever, because everything has to end. So, I'm basically having permanent decry its own definition.

    Glad you enjoyed the piece though.
  • SVRDhand13SVRDhand13 Posts: 26,169
    walden freeman wrote:
    Thank you for the feedback. I think you missed the point of the line though. I was going for a sort of poignant ironic redunancy. Nothing "permanent" is really going to last forever, because everything has to end. So, I'm basically having permanent decry its own definition.

    Glad you enjoyed the piece though.
    Damn you really thought that out. See I love I made that suggestion because now I understand the piece even more.
    severed hand thirteen
    2006: Gorge 7/23 2008: Hartford 6/27 Beacon 7/1 2009: Spectrum 10/30-31
    2010: Newark 5/18 MSG 5/20-21 2011: PJ20 9/3-4 2012: Made In America 9/2
    2013: Brooklyn 10/18-19 Philly 10/21-22 Hartford 10/25 2014: ACL10/12
    2015: NYC 9/23 2016: Tampa 4/11 Philly 4/28-29 MSG 5/1-2 Fenway 8/5+8/7
    2017: RRHoF 4/7   2018: Fenway 9/2+9/4   2021: Sea Hear Now 9/18 
    2022: MSG 9/11  2024: MSG 9/3-4 Philly 9/7+9/9 Fenway 9/15+9/17
  • walden freemanwalden freeman Posts: 511
    What everyone perceives as clever lines are inherently lines that make no sense. In my writing I try not to be as emotional as I try to be in disbelief. I mean, it's easy to contradict everything if you really try to. And, everything in life is going to change eventually. Right?
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