Into the New
whispering hands
Under your skin Posts: 13,527
(disclaimer) This particular chapter of my long being writtten book Ramblings might seem really cruel and sad and deranged but it's due to what I've lived through, every experience molded what I would learn about human nature, and just how much so adults can be just as cutting and mean spirited as grade school and high school kids can be..So if'n ya disagree with any of the things I talk about the last year's incidents, and how I FEEL about all that occured last year to make it such a sad and desperate year for me, then feel free to say so. Please bear with the length, it will be written on many pages, cause alot happened.. I just need to get all this out. ( that and my dog is bored with my exuberant expectations for this new year)
Chapter 23
Into the New
Ok, so here's to the end of this fucked-up-assed year!!!( cheers, clink)This was a pretty fucked up year to say the very least. So meesssseeedddd up in fact, that the only way to tell the story is from Jan-Dec. 2007 was a year of loss, sorrow, stress, craziness, anger, and lessons we all learned. Now that it has finally drawn to a close, I can say, that I feel much stronger as a person. Now I know what I am able to withstand, and maintain my sanity through; some really rough and terrifying realities that seem to rear heir ugliest of heads at the worst times in life (like planning and organizing two funerals in the same year, 1 1/2 months apart, my mother in Oct. and my Uncle -her bro-On the morning after Christmas ). I know that I can stand firm, recalculate my life's plans in an instant, and move on, that losing my mother before I had all the answers I needed from her, wouldn't kill me; it will just forever leave me wondering what happened to her in life to make her so mean and so addicted to every drug known to man. ( she used to take the drugs I kept in store in the barn when I had horses. Pain killers, muscle relaxers, and tranquilizers meant for HORSES, not tiny five foot 108lb drug addicted diabetics, she once od'd on Butephynezol, a hard core pain killer for livestock)!
So then shall we start at the beginning? Now mind this point, for reference later on, my older sis and her BF had this horrible break up On the previous Tg because our Mom bought the house I just inherited and he freaked thinking she [sis] was going to move out of his apt, for the luxuries of a home. My sis lost her job first, in the despair of her break up, she just snapped and lay down to die..almost literally in a few senses. This put immense stress on Mom and I because when my sis ended up HAVING to move in cause of the break up, the deal was split the bills three ways and I'd cover what mom couldn't make. Well when she lost her job Mom freaked out and started taking things out on my sis, by mid Jan, I'd had to beat my own mother down because she wouldn't quit hitting my sister as she lay heart-broken in bed. Mom ended up in the hospital and I in jail. BUT folks I won that war, cause for the first time in her 54 years she got the idea that we were adults now and she couldn't beat us like she could when we were little and defensless.
February hobbled along as well as any month could when supplying time on earth to people as dysfunctional as we are. so this is it for that months.. it just ambled along, mom's hip ( fractured in the fight) healed well and she for once understood the terror we felt as kids, for once she was pleading with me never to hit her again..and when she asked me the first of several times, I told her this.." Mom, I am NOT you.. and I don't go around attacking people cause they disagreed with you, or things didn't go your way. But you had that ass whooping coming to you, and now you know the horrific terror that you raised us in.. We SLEPT on eggs shells, we LIVED on eggshells when we were with you, always fearing the next thing to piss you off. Aren't you glad you were such a grand example of how NOT to be as a person?"
In March, the stress proved too much and I ended losing my job because I could not mentally bor monetarily afford to keep running the 22 miles home and back from work, just to deal with things my sister could have dealt with, except that my mom was a stubborn old lady and because she was mad at Melissa, she was not allowed to help her at all! So I kept having to leave work to LITERALLY keep her alive! ( she was horrible about watching her Blood sugars!) Anyhow due to the fact that I was "sliding" ( That's what I call the depressive bouts of my Bi-Polar disorder) DUE TO THE FACT THAT I'D NOT BEEN ABLE TO AFFORD MY MEDS FOR NEARLY SIX MONTHS..( if you know anything about Bi-Polar people this is very dangerous for us..),I really don't recall alot of March other than I lost my job and blamed it on Mom.
In April I spent the last half of the mont in a mental ward recalibratikng my chemical imbalances, this took nearly a month. by the time I got back out of Ossawattomie, my sis and her BF had made up. Having had to be hospitalized for the first time in six years haunted me for many of the months that followed. I think by the time 07 rolled into its fourth month Mom had no idea how to handle how Melissa and I had turned out thanks to her lack or complete absence of parenting skill. I think that it withered her soul to know that what little good we'd learned in life we'd learned from our dad and step mom. the fact taht she neither believed in abortion nor adoption, cost my sister and I a great deal of our lives; many years were wasted just pissing away the hours in our "Crappy Places".
A "crappy place" is just what it sounds like.. it's the place we go when the "happy places" are unattainable, so we choose much more unhealthy means of escape. (like he fct that i smoked Crack for the first time in my life last year..why? It was a way to escape.. to run and hide nother world not so full off suffering and unrest. stupid I know, never again). So when one is practicing escapism, I call that "going into your crappy place". One thing I learned last year, was that anytime you are perfecting the art of escaping your everyday life, you are missing out on opportunities to make some really great memories!!( one you remember casue you were sober)
May found Mom involved in this really cool church around the corner from our house. For the first time ib ANY of our lives ( mom, sis,and I) we saw a peace snd joy in Mon that hasd NEVER been there before! it wa a totsl trip.. she was like a whole other person. We went with her a few tines and it was so cool we were the only white people there, but that wasn't ANY kind of issue. KNOW AS WELL, that before she attended that church she was predjudiced against black people [which always irked me and mad me mad.] But once she went there, she was so different, so not our mom that we knew.
May and June held no relief OR jobs for Melissa OR I. Instead what June held was a dance card we [sis and I] wished we'd never been handed. On june 12th, we woke up to a horrid crash, Mom wasn't at church, something was wrong.... we flew upstairs to see if she was alright ( she could have insulin reactions that would knock her out cold and seizing in mid stride! She was so brittle a diabetic tht she could be talkikng to you and in mid sentence start just seizing and drooling from lack of sugar). She wasn't. She was on the floor next tlo her bed, covered i her own vomit and feces... the feces trail streamed from all over the bed to the baathroom and bck. She was grey and totally dead weight when she tried to move her. Her blood sugar was so high it wouldn't read on her glucose meter, all it said was *911* which mesnt that it was so high you were supposed to call 911! So we did.The paramedics took one look at her and by-passed all the questions, they just loaded her up tol.d us what hospitl they were taking her to, nd prayking they didn't lose her on the way.
When we got to the hospitl they told us she was suffering frolm Diabetic Kido acidosis, ( REALLY HIGH SUGAR LEVELS TURN TO ACID AND EAT YOUR ETERNL ORGANS!!! ) and that she was in full organ failure. It took them WEEKS to discover taht the kido acidosis was brought on by an anti-biotic resistnt strain of staph infection know as MRSA ( a VERY deadly infection!!!!) So the rest of June was spent with mom in and out of then hospital and hving gone ibto organ failure twice by the first week of July! We almost lost her three times in just June alone!
July was a really depressing month. Instead of following true to the tradition of partying from july 4th to the 6th ( 5th is me b-day), I straight stayed stupid fucked up in my "Crappy Place", drunk nd high on crack..( fucking retarded I know, but what did i have to lose?) I wasn't leaing my crappy place til shit was ok!! Unfortunately, Ok never arrived and so i got burned out and stopped the binge July 12th. I was worthless for a week. After recooping from my stupid stint, I relized that my sister and her BF had bought me two PJ cds for my birthday, and i was so jacked up tht I lost them!! I was so sad.. I'd so waited so long to replace my copies of No Code and Binaural!! And i GOLT them.... then lost them.. I don't even know or rember wether or not I even got to listen to them before I lost them!!
In August, we spent the ebtire month in,out and back in hospitals, I.C.U. units and nursing homes. So they tried home treatment. That was teacherous! We'd JUST found a job!! and mom was so stubborn that she wouldn't sit still through the treatments,and she got all strung out on pain pills again. (we'd had hr stone sober for like 6 years!!!!!!) She got to where she was hallucinating and having reactions left and right from being so high she'd forget to check her sugars!! And she was telling us she had!! Anyhow thank god olur jo was cool casue we missed alot of work becasue of how bad off Mom was!
Sept slammed us like a torrential storm touching land a full force!
By tis timewe'd almost" lost"Mom 4 times! By Sept 24th I'd lost a very vdery dear friend, who shared m love of PJ.. she was such a great person..died of a brain anyurism, walking from Wal-mart tlo her car. Meanwhile Melissa and i were praying that we ddin't "lose" Mom on Melissa's b-day (sept.29th)! Well she didn't do that to us.. thank god!!! Sept revealed taht asx well as Mom racking up bills being sick, we were also two months behind on ALLLLLLLLLLL the household bills. I was forced tlo sell my horse, truck, and horsetailer, to pay the household obligations..I cried so hard for days. She was my relief.. I could go brush Isis and my world seemed that much bettter..she was my OTHER happy place ( PearlJam is the primary happy Place). I wasa so desperately lost without her..My dog took that personally I think.
In Oct. Mom began to decline horriblty ad was hospitalized for the last time. Incidentally the day we heard that Dee has died ( sept.2th), the doctors ha cslled my sister and i away fom work to inform us that Mom had suffered over 21 seperate afflictions fromn June12th to then..all resulting from the MRSA and the K.A. induced orgn failures. We also told Mom tht day that she was in quite teh bad wy and that the doctors were giving her six months. She made it to Oct 17th. TEN months to the day..after Mom's 55th b-day. the rest of Oct is lost in a blurr of survival mode tinting...warped, dark and cut off from the world it seemed
Nov was a numb month, I think i remember bombarding ya'll with this then too.I spent TGin my sister's car loutside of her BF's family's house justbwling.
Not sure exctly why, but it was like shit.. I've spent the last twelve years takikng care of this person and now what do i do? I was so confused, selfish asit seemed I was angry that i'd had to sell my horse, only to have her die a month later! I really needed that way out at that point. That's hard to explian, I'm just a person who needs to be around horses, they're in my blood, always have been; I swear my first word was probably 'horse'! Anyhow, I felt really guilty that I missed he horse more than my mom, and ai felt like a shithead, byt honestly, the horse was more benneficial to me ina mental sense than my mom ever was or knbew how to be! ( sad huh?)
Dec found us n tears over the fact that we were penniless sad and mortally terrified by the fact that we now owned a house, and were responsible for it!!We also inherited a cat..god love'em he's 22lbs!!!! He actually hated us til. Mom died thenhe was all cool, he's a weird cat, but I love him. He reminds me alot of mom, he's very stubborn, doesn't like to be touched or messed with unless its HIS idea,and even then it's on HIS terms! When he's being a little ( or considering), a big punk, we call him debbie..he straightens right up too!!Anyhow like I posted on here afgter Christmas, that swent well, quite well ubtil the next morniing at 7 wm when we got the call that our Uncle Bob had been killed by a drunk driver.. He and our Aunt ahd gotten iknto a fight ad he left, the Witchita police woke her up saking her to g identify her husbnd.She couldn't so they waited til Melissa and I got there. It was him..
aznyhow it is a whole new year now, out of 2007 into 2008!! Hope it's now worse thn the last one!
Chapter 23
Into the New
Ok, so here's to the end of this fucked-up-assed year!!!( cheers, clink)This was a pretty fucked up year to say the very least. So meesssseeedddd up in fact, that the only way to tell the story is from Jan-Dec. 2007 was a year of loss, sorrow, stress, craziness, anger, and lessons we all learned. Now that it has finally drawn to a close, I can say, that I feel much stronger as a person. Now I know what I am able to withstand, and maintain my sanity through; some really rough and terrifying realities that seem to rear heir ugliest of heads at the worst times in life (like planning and organizing two funerals in the same year, 1 1/2 months apart, my mother in Oct. and my Uncle -her bro-On the morning after Christmas ). I know that I can stand firm, recalculate my life's plans in an instant, and move on, that losing my mother before I had all the answers I needed from her, wouldn't kill me; it will just forever leave me wondering what happened to her in life to make her so mean and so addicted to every drug known to man. ( she used to take the drugs I kept in store in the barn when I had horses. Pain killers, muscle relaxers, and tranquilizers meant for HORSES, not tiny five foot 108lb drug addicted diabetics, she once od'd on Butephynezol, a hard core pain killer for livestock)!
So then shall we start at the beginning? Now mind this point, for reference later on, my older sis and her BF had this horrible break up On the previous Tg because our Mom bought the house I just inherited and he freaked thinking she [sis] was going to move out of his apt, for the luxuries of a home. My sis lost her job first, in the despair of her break up, she just snapped and lay down to die..almost literally in a few senses. This put immense stress on Mom and I because when my sis ended up HAVING to move in cause of the break up, the deal was split the bills three ways and I'd cover what mom couldn't make. Well when she lost her job Mom freaked out and started taking things out on my sis, by mid Jan, I'd had to beat my own mother down because she wouldn't quit hitting my sister as she lay heart-broken in bed. Mom ended up in the hospital and I in jail. BUT folks I won that war, cause for the first time in her 54 years she got the idea that we were adults now and she couldn't beat us like she could when we were little and defensless.
February hobbled along as well as any month could when supplying time on earth to people as dysfunctional as we are. so this is it for that months.. it just ambled along, mom's hip ( fractured in the fight) healed well and she for once understood the terror we felt as kids, for once she was pleading with me never to hit her again..and when she asked me the first of several times, I told her this.." Mom, I am NOT you.. and I don't go around attacking people cause they disagreed with you, or things didn't go your way. But you had that ass whooping coming to you, and now you know the horrific terror that you raised us in.. We SLEPT on eggs shells, we LIVED on eggshells when we were with you, always fearing the next thing to piss you off. Aren't you glad you were such a grand example of how NOT to be as a person?"
In March, the stress proved too much and I ended losing my job because I could not mentally bor monetarily afford to keep running the 22 miles home and back from work, just to deal with things my sister could have dealt with, except that my mom was a stubborn old lady and because she was mad at Melissa, she was not allowed to help her at all! So I kept having to leave work to LITERALLY keep her alive! ( she was horrible about watching her Blood sugars!) Anyhow due to the fact that I was "sliding" ( That's what I call the depressive bouts of my Bi-Polar disorder) DUE TO THE FACT THAT I'D NOT BEEN ABLE TO AFFORD MY MEDS FOR NEARLY SIX MONTHS..( if you know anything about Bi-Polar people this is very dangerous for us..),I really don't recall alot of March other than I lost my job and blamed it on Mom.
In April I spent the last half of the mont in a mental ward recalibratikng my chemical imbalances, this took nearly a month. by the time I got back out of Ossawattomie, my sis and her BF had made up. Having had to be hospitalized for the first time in six years haunted me for many of the months that followed. I think by the time 07 rolled into its fourth month Mom had no idea how to handle how Melissa and I had turned out thanks to her lack or complete absence of parenting skill. I think that it withered her soul to know that what little good we'd learned in life we'd learned from our dad and step mom. the fact taht she neither believed in abortion nor adoption, cost my sister and I a great deal of our lives; many years were wasted just pissing away the hours in our "Crappy Places".
A "crappy place" is just what it sounds like.. it's the place we go when the "happy places" are unattainable, so we choose much more unhealthy means of escape. (like he fct that i smoked Crack for the first time in my life last year..why? It was a way to escape.. to run and hide nother world not so full off suffering and unrest. stupid I know, never again). So when one is practicing escapism, I call that "going into your crappy place". One thing I learned last year, was that anytime you are perfecting the art of escaping your everyday life, you are missing out on opportunities to make some really great memories!!( one you remember casue you were sober)
May found Mom involved in this really cool church around the corner from our house. For the first time ib ANY of our lives ( mom, sis,and I) we saw a peace snd joy in Mon that hasd NEVER been there before! it wa a totsl trip.. she was like a whole other person. We went with her a few tines and it was so cool we were the only white people there, but that wasn't ANY kind of issue. KNOW AS WELL, that before she attended that church she was predjudiced against black people [which always irked me and mad me mad.] But once she went there, she was so different, so not our mom that we knew.
May and June held no relief OR jobs for Melissa OR I. Instead what June held was a dance card we [sis and I] wished we'd never been handed. On june 12th, we woke up to a horrid crash, Mom wasn't at church, something was wrong.... we flew upstairs to see if she was alright ( she could have insulin reactions that would knock her out cold and seizing in mid stride! She was so brittle a diabetic tht she could be talkikng to you and in mid sentence start just seizing and drooling from lack of sugar). She wasn't. She was on the floor next tlo her bed, covered i her own vomit and feces... the feces trail streamed from all over the bed to the baathroom and bck. She was grey and totally dead weight when she tried to move her. Her blood sugar was so high it wouldn't read on her glucose meter, all it said was *911* which mesnt that it was so high you were supposed to call 911! So we did.The paramedics took one look at her and by-passed all the questions, they just loaded her up tol.d us what hospitl they were taking her to, nd prayking they didn't lose her on the way.
When we got to the hospitl they told us she was suffering frolm Diabetic Kido acidosis, ( REALLY HIGH SUGAR LEVELS TURN TO ACID AND EAT YOUR ETERNL ORGANS!!! ) and that she was in full organ failure. It took them WEEKS to discover taht the kido acidosis was brought on by an anti-biotic resistnt strain of staph infection know as MRSA ( a VERY deadly infection!!!!) So the rest of June was spent with mom in and out of then hospital and hving gone ibto organ failure twice by the first week of July! We almost lost her three times in just June alone!
July was a really depressing month. Instead of following true to the tradition of partying from july 4th to the 6th ( 5th is me b-day), I straight stayed stupid fucked up in my "Crappy Place", drunk nd high on crack..( fucking retarded I know, but what did i have to lose?) I wasn't leaing my crappy place til shit was ok!! Unfortunately, Ok never arrived and so i got burned out and stopped the binge July 12th. I was worthless for a week. After recooping from my stupid stint, I relized that my sister and her BF had bought me two PJ cds for my birthday, and i was so jacked up tht I lost them!! I was so sad.. I'd so waited so long to replace my copies of No Code and Binaural!! And i GOLT them.... then lost them.. I don't even know or rember wether or not I even got to listen to them before I lost them!!
In August, we spent the ebtire month in,out and back in hospitals, I.C.U. units and nursing homes. So they tried home treatment. That was teacherous! We'd JUST found a job!! and mom was so stubborn that she wouldn't sit still through the treatments,and she got all strung out on pain pills again. (we'd had hr stone sober for like 6 years!!!!!!) She got to where she was hallucinating and having reactions left and right from being so high she'd forget to check her sugars!! And she was telling us she had!! Anyhow thank god olur jo was cool casue we missed alot of work becasue of how bad off Mom was!
Sept slammed us like a torrential storm touching land a full force!
By tis timewe'd almost" lost"Mom 4 times! By Sept 24th I'd lost a very vdery dear friend, who shared m love of PJ.. she was such a great person..died of a brain anyurism, walking from Wal-mart tlo her car. Meanwhile Melissa and i were praying that we ddin't "lose" Mom on Melissa's b-day (sept.29th)! Well she didn't do that to us.. thank god!!! Sept revealed taht asx well as Mom racking up bills being sick, we were also two months behind on ALLLLLLLLLLL the household bills. I was forced tlo sell my horse, truck, and horsetailer, to pay the household obligations..I cried so hard for days. She was my relief.. I could go brush Isis and my world seemed that much bettter..she was my OTHER happy place ( PearlJam is the primary happy Place). I wasa so desperately lost without her..My dog took that personally I think.
In Oct. Mom began to decline horriblty ad was hospitalized for the last time. Incidentally the day we heard that Dee has died ( sept.2th), the doctors ha cslled my sister and i away fom work to inform us that Mom had suffered over 21 seperate afflictions fromn June12th to then..all resulting from the MRSA and the K.A. induced orgn failures. We also told Mom tht day that she was in quite teh bad wy and that the doctors were giving her six months. She made it to Oct 17th. TEN months to the day..after Mom's 55th b-day. the rest of Oct is lost in a blurr of survival mode tinting...warped, dark and cut off from the world it seemed
Nov was a numb month, I think i remember bombarding ya'll with this then too.I spent TGin my sister's car loutside of her BF's family's house justbwling.
Not sure exctly why, but it was like shit.. I've spent the last twelve years takikng care of this person and now what do i do? I was so confused, selfish asit seemed I was angry that i'd had to sell my horse, only to have her die a month later! I really needed that way out at that point. That's hard to explian, I'm just a person who needs to be around horses, they're in my blood, always have been; I swear my first word was probably 'horse'! Anyhow, I felt really guilty that I missed he horse more than my mom, and ai felt like a shithead, byt honestly, the horse was more benneficial to me ina mental sense than my mom ever was or knbew how to be! ( sad huh?)
Dec found us n tears over the fact that we were penniless sad and mortally terrified by the fact that we now owned a house, and were responsible for it!!We also inherited a cat..god love'em he's 22lbs!!!! He actually hated us til. Mom died thenhe was all cool, he's a weird cat, but I love him. He reminds me alot of mom, he's very stubborn, doesn't like to be touched or messed with unless its HIS idea,and even then it's on HIS terms! When he's being a little ( or considering), a big punk, we call him debbie..he straightens right up too!!Anyhow like I posted on here afgter Christmas, that swent well, quite well ubtil the next morniing at 7 wm when we got the call that our Uncle Bob had been killed by a drunk driver.. He and our Aunt ahd gotten iknto a fight ad he left, the Witchita police woke her up saking her to g identify her husbnd.She couldn't so they waited til Melissa and I got there. It was him..
aznyhow it is a whole new year now, out of 2007 into 2008!! Hope it's now worse thn the last one!
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