Of One I Loved.
whispering hands
Under your skin Posts: 13,527
ok pray this doesn't get deleted for being too long..( that's one thing Ed and I share in common: we ramble..so here it is....)
Feel this pain; hot, searing,even detrimental. Feel it?? Hear it; My soul is ripping, my spirit bleeds, and my heart weeps. Wretched and scarred, its battered surface pulsing; forcing out the last drops of compassion, love and dignity. This makes head-way for the stone pillars to be replaced. Each pillar, is one step closer to re-building the walls I once took down, in order to allow you to reside here, in my world with me...
And now.. you as well, have left me all alone, and unsheltered, once more... again..This makes you no different, from those, whom before you, have always been shut out. Somehow I have this determination to further know you; disallowing my hatred of you. Instead, I go on aching, as the mortar seeps, rolls, and then, settles between each stone. Each stone is a memory.
Stone upon stone; with you eternally looking at me...... begging that I not go.. not completely.. you plead your case as the walls tower on.."please do not just 'go away...not wholly'..."So, for you ,my dearest one I build a door....
But soon my dear, I will forget you. I will eventually, be so
full of hate for human kind ( except for the children, for there is hope that their little hearts will remain well cultured. and thus share life..), that heavy moss, Ivy, and decrepit bricks from the wall, shall bury this door. So that when you come to knock upon it -( this door that I built FOR YOU),- my soul will snarl at you, and, just as with all else who try to reach me, I will demand you leave.. beneath heavy, fetid breath. Then, I shall lie back down to continue my commencement of death; I'll die here alone...In this protruding silence.. Prayers unheard, as if unspoken at all. For, it has been painted acrossed every page of this book in which I've written my whiles, that these four walls should be my home, as WELL as my grave.
On that door shall be written, so that all may know:
"This is where Evil rotts. Never loved, forever unknown; overtaken by the purities of Evil Sanctions, she died here alone...Just as on the day she was born-alone"
Now... many shall pass, and bless the day of my departure. But none so- much- more- than- I. It has always ben known to me, that my only Freedomscape was to die. To have escaped the hurt, to solace in a warmth; a hope that MAYBE God, if any, loves me. And perhaps, at least my fears would subside, in the knowledge of this love. KEYWORD: MAYBE.
But...KNOW this... here and now, my dear.. These walls are once again standing... being set; Memory by memory, stone by stone, tear by tear. For now, you may still knock; ask that my voice you may hear...But soon my Wisdom will quicken. So ask me what it is, that you need know, whilst my ignorance still allows me to answer you... I had LOVED you until now, but it will NOT be long before this emotion is sqaushed beneath my loathing distrust, and hatred, towards all other human kind. For, then my stares in your general direction shall remain fixed and stupid; you will then be forever left with the knowledge, that this was all a choice..... and the choice was yours, not mine..For I had predestined a life of love and happiness for us both..But then again, life is a game played by more than just one..and yet, you go on, and I remain behind..forever alone, because you could not face real love......
Feel this pain; hot, searing,even detrimental. Feel it?? Hear it; My soul is ripping, my spirit bleeds, and my heart weeps. Wretched and scarred, its battered surface pulsing; forcing out the last drops of compassion, love and dignity. This makes head-way for the stone pillars to be replaced. Each pillar, is one step closer to re-building the walls I once took down, in order to allow you to reside here, in my world with me...
And now.. you as well, have left me all alone, and unsheltered, once more... again..This makes you no different, from those, whom before you, have always been shut out. Somehow I have this determination to further know you; disallowing my hatred of you. Instead, I go on aching, as the mortar seeps, rolls, and then, settles between each stone. Each stone is a memory.
Stone upon stone; with you eternally looking at me...... begging that I not go.. not completely.. you plead your case as the walls tower on.."please do not just 'go away...not wholly'..."So, for you ,my dearest one I build a door....
But soon my dear, I will forget you. I will eventually, be so
full of hate for human kind ( except for the children, for there is hope that their little hearts will remain well cultured. and thus share life..), that heavy moss, Ivy, and decrepit bricks from the wall, shall bury this door. So that when you come to knock upon it -( this door that I built FOR YOU),- my soul will snarl at you, and, just as with all else who try to reach me, I will demand you leave.. beneath heavy, fetid breath. Then, I shall lie back down to continue my commencement of death; I'll die here alone...In this protruding silence.. Prayers unheard, as if unspoken at all. For, it has been painted acrossed every page of this book in which I've written my whiles, that these four walls should be my home, as WELL as my grave.
On that door shall be written, so that all may know:
"This is where Evil rotts. Never loved, forever unknown; overtaken by the purities of Evil Sanctions, she died here alone...Just as on the day she was born-alone"
Now... many shall pass, and bless the day of my departure. But none so- much- more- than- I. It has always ben known to me, that my only Freedomscape was to die. To have escaped the hurt, to solace in a warmth; a hope that MAYBE God, if any, loves me. And perhaps, at least my fears would subside, in the knowledge of this love. KEYWORD: MAYBE.
But...KNOW this... here and now, my dear.. These walls are once again standing... being set; Memory by memory, stone by stone, tear by tear. For now, you may still knock; ask that my voice you may hear...But soon my Wisdom will quicken. So ask me what it is, that you need know, whilst my ignorance still allows me to answer you... I had LOVED you until now, but it will NOT be long before this emotion is sqaushed beneath my loathing distrust, and hatred, towards all other human kind. For, then my stares in your general direction shall remain fixed and stupid; you will then be forever left with the knowledge, that this was all a choice..... and the choice was yours, not mine..For I had predestined a life of love and happiness for us both..But then again, life is a game played by more than just one..and yet, you go on, and I remain behind..forever alone, because you could not face real love......
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Much love to you.
NOTE: Everything I write in the P,P&M section are intended to be songs, not poetry.
but cause her wall was up before i met her due to someone before me..
in looking back i learned alot about ppl and how ppl hurt each other for selfish
hateful reasons..some is just evil, period..when looking back on things i wonder if i wasted many a years hopefully dreaming/praying these walls before me would crumble so i could be near her..it was always at her convenience..many times i felt like the man in the woods looking for bigfoot
or some elusive animal..showing themselves on their own given time..yet i wonder if i was the stupid one trying so hard to love her my own life gets turned into her own time,wasted away in the wind, hopes and dreams..kinda like to get a crane and knock down a wall sometimes..ive dealt with more than one fuckin wall..gets old i tell ya that..and its not that im being disrespectful to their own sheltering of themselves..to me i felt led on kinda,
ya know..once i showed any kinda loving actions or wanna spend more time with em..up goes the walls..piss me off..
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
wow.. thanks that means alot.. there is soooooooooo much on the inside that I can't even BEGIN to express it all at once.. hence my coming here.. I have loved this band for the last fifteen years because of their openenss. I have always felt that their fans seem to share the beauty of that intellect.( being open enough to welcome another soul to share the spaces on earth that we occupy); together OR alone, for our personal space is a sacred ground.Unfortunately, it's a space not enough people respect. But I appreciate your comments.. and thanks again.