Some of my old stuff..taken the dust off
Kushikushun
Posts: 1,263
I haven't been writing in ages...but I dug up some of my old stuff from when I was 18 / 20. Some have stand the test of time for me. Wondering what you think of it..!
See next messages for the 'writings'...
See next messages for the 'writings'...
Why not be mediocre and be the best at it that you can be?
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wrap it in a white silk scarf,
bury it under a mountain of
yellow sand and built a castle
on top of it.
The castle with have a golden flag
hanging out when I am home.
I take of my boots and ask myself , why the reptile looses his skin
one made of rocks and stone and green trees,
the other wide, purple
the sunlight along the outline of the clouds
touches the dust of both.
The man picks up a dirty cigarette
to warm his vains, his blood, his thoughts.
The wind he touches is a powerfull thing.
That which he doesn't know
he cannot touch.
He is gasping for cold air,
all he feels is smoke lightning up the fire
that was so often misled.
you slide your way through my waters
I move towards you without any relief
but your ignorance denies me
In slow-motion I shake the water of my body
and find there's no wind
And you touch me, softly
and you touch me again
as if you want to push me under, drown me
In slow-motion I tremble, and you close in on me
As I am drowning I feel there's no wind
Only a cold breeze upon me
They don't always get there. I don't know why.
I wish I did, so I could tell you.
The best one, imo, is the one
with the sand castle... because it's so simple.
The last one is pretty cool. Reads like sex
with someone who doesn't love you.
Two worlds paints a pretty picture,
but I don't get the cigarette one, at all.
I just don't understand it. What's misled?
THNAKS very much for your attention! And review!
The thing is I did shorten some of them, because I read them and found that some lines were really tacky. Some of them are quite old and some things just didnt sound right. Probably because I am older now I see things differently. It might be that because of shortening them they now seem weird instead of more compact.
The cigarette one is telling a story of someone without a place to rest his head. I mostly wrote from what came up in my mind. So that one was not written because I was thinking about a homeless person or something I had seen or read. The words used to just come up in my head and I would write them down. So that one is a bit mystifying to me as well...
The last one did come from an experience I had. I still believe that is the strongest one, because I can still feel the frustration when I read it although it happened more than ten years ago.
I think that because now that you're older, you're working on taking out the tackiness that just comes with being a new writer.
For the cigarette piece... maybe just try to get that one point across as subtly as possible. It just needs one little thread to connect it to something "concrete".
The last one you mentioned is the strongest piece for me.
The saddest and lonliest one. That the experience struck you that hard is clear. And that it resonates ten years later... not surprising. Good Capture, there.
I can tell that English isn't your first language in your conversational writing... but I think it might help your poetry, because you aren't so attached to the "big" or "flowery" sounding words... your poetry is more appealing to me because of that.
Thank you so much for these kind words!!