the story of the beer can....
didem
Posts: 50
My Beer Can
Ok then…
He was not the only one I loved or craved for… Or to go one step further; he was not all the man that I was longing for…not at all..
But..
He had done me… Not in a way you are thinking of probably.. He had done me so much that I nearly have forgotten who I used to be.. I shed a tear.. Not two.. But it went away so abruptly and bitterly leaving me… disappeared on this piece of paper.. disturbed the ink.. scattered it.. almost erased it..only then did I realise how vigorous it was..
And I opened a can just like I have done quite a lot.. I opened it with little effort.. I felt it cold in my hand.. smelled it.. lit its best pal… watched the smoke disappear… couldn’t smoke for a while.. just watched it go.. watched the very last piece of my heart leave my body.. watch my soul dance with the smoke.. “This is what you have chosen” whispered my brain to my hand.. just a stupid asshole.. so I was…
Then I tasted it.. tasted the bitterness of it.. remembered how it used to relax me once.. How I have spent some years with it.. with him.. After the first sip..or the second, I took a deep breathe…gasping for breath… yes.. my soul had already become a burden on my shoulders.. the love that had left me, broken me, swallowed me and vomited me.. this one is for you…
And continued… I really loved that poison.. I was really into it.. Without my can I could never recover…maybe hardly survived this crash… I felt my nerves calm down..sit down again.. I felt my face dry.. I had cried more than enough.. the tear was gone but the salt was there… it was ok.. then my mouth was not dry.. it didn’t hurt any more.. no more.. I opened my eyes.. with effort this time.. lit another pal.. looked at myself in the mirror… though I was sick in my brain and my vein… I looked ok… I looked normal.. not with the eyes of a happy man, but not so unhappy either….
What you have done to me.. you have done to me.. I can’t change a fucking tiny part of it… Remembering every and each word you have sent me, every sentence you have made, every paragraph you wrote in me, I am what you have made me… How I wish to clear that page of you…how I wish to pull the trigger before you killed me.. but the fuck is already gone.. it is already done… I may have another page now.. or I may have none.. what is said today is already there… the tear I shed is still on the word…
And there is still some more in the can…
If it can, does make me sleep… today will be over…
So will you..
The life I am leading.. The love you are leaving.. the woman you are killing… the heart you are squeezing in your hands… WILL END WHEN I THROW OUT THE CAN .
Ok then…
He was not the only one I loved or craved for… Or to go one step further; he was not all the man that I was longing for…not at all..
But..
He had done me… Not in a way you are thinking of probably.. He had done me so much that I nearly have forgotten who I used to be.. I shed a tear.. Not two.. But it went away so abruptly and bitterly leaving me… disappeared on this piece of paper.. disturbed the ink.. scattered it.. almost erased it..only then did I realise how vigorous it was..
And I opened a can just like I have done quite a lot.. I opened it with little effort.. I felt it cold in my hand.. smelled it.. lit its best pal… watched the smoke disappear… couldn’t smoke for a while.. just watched it go.. watched the very last piece of my heart leave my body.. watch my soul dance with the smoke.. “This is what you have chosen” whispered my brain to my hand.. just a stupid asshole.. so I was…
Then I tasted it.. tasted the bitterness of it.. remembered how it used to relax me once.. How I have spent some years with it.. with him.. After the first sip..or the second, I took a deep breathe…gasping for breath… yes.. my soul had already become a burden on my shoulders.. the love that had left me, broken me, swallowed me and vomited me.. this one is for you…
And continued… I really loved that poison.. I was really into it.. Without my can I could never recover…maybe hardly survived this crash… I felt my nerves calm down..sit down again.. I felt my face dry.. I had cried more than enough.. the tear was gone but the salt was there… it was ok.. then my mouth was not dry.. it didn’t hurt any more.. no more.. I opened my eyes.. with effort this time.. lit another pal.. looked at myself in the mirror… though I was sick in my brain and my vein… I looked ok… I looked normal.. not with the eyes of a happy man, but not so unhappy either….
What you have done to me.. you have done to me.. I can’t change a fucking tiny part of it… Remembering every and each word you have sent me, every sentence you have made, every paragraph you wrote in me, I am what you have made me… How I wish to clear that page of you…how I wish to pull the trigger before you killed me.. but the fuck is already gone.. it is already done… I may have another page now.. or I may have none.. what is said today is already there… the tear I shed is still on the word…
And there is still some more in the can…
If it can, does make me sleep… today will be over…
So will you..
The life I am leading.. The love you are leaving.. the woman you are killing… the heart you are squeezing in your hands… WILL END WHEN I THROW OUT THE CAN .
no brain no pain....
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drowning sorrows, love it, hate it... ambiguity to the max
- Antwerp '06, Nijmegen '07, Werchter '07