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Need help

Blue11Blue11 Posts: 200
edited May 2006 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Hi all, thanks for stopping by....just wanted to see if people can help me finish this poem...add to it as you see fit...here goes


From these walls I heard
Words that set my heart ablaze
Your lips have spoken of things
I knew would put me in rage
Now I know I am truly dead
My heart unwanted



Looking forward to read some of your replies
" All the stars in the sky, thought you were up in mine
Still I wonder, I wonder......" "Black" tag 09-16-2005 Ottawa

Toronto 2003, Kitchener 2005, Montreal 2005, Ottawa 2005, Toronto II 2006, Albany 2006, Hartford 2006, Camden I 2008, Camden II 2008, Washington, D.C. 2008, Toronto 2009, Chicago I 2009, Columbus 2010, Noblesville, 2010
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • AlessianaAlessiana Posts: 329
    Blue11 wrote:
    Hi all, thanks for stopping by....just wanted to see if people can help me finish this poem...add to it as you see fit...here goes


    From these walls I heard
    Words that set my heart ablaze
    Your lips have spoken of things
    I knew would put me in rage
    Now I know I am truly dead
    My heart unwanted



    Looking forward to read some of your replies

    It's hard to help someone finish if one doesn't know where it should go, or where it needs to end up, so to speak.
    ****

    Aless

    Tell them you love them. Never let the mundane, the unimportant, or worse, the misunderstood, be the final words of parting.

    Tell them.
  • Blue11Blue11 Posts: 200
    Alessiana wrote:
    It's hard to help someone finish if one doesn't know where it should go, or where it needs to end up, so to speak.


    that's very true; and I apologize for that oversight.
    I had started this a while back when someone I thought I was close to told me that things are over....with no signs along the way that things were breaking down...when it finally hit me that it was over, I started writing this. It has been a while since I .....I'm trying to have this piece of work reflect that moment when I got that phone call....does that help?
    " All the stars in the sky, thought you were up in mine
    Still I wonder, I wonder......" "Black" tag 09-16-2005 Ottawa

    Toronto 2003, Kitchener 2005, Montreal 2005, Ottawa 2005, Toronto II 2006, Albany 2006, Hartford 2006, Camden I 2008, Camden II 2008, Washington, D.C. 2008, Toronto 2009, Chicago I 2009, Columbus 2010, Noblesville, 2010
  • AlessianaAlessiana Posts: 329
    Blue11 wrote:
    that's very true; and I apologize for that oversight.
    I had started this a while back when someone I thought I was close to told me that things are over....with no signs along the way that things were breaking down...when it finally hit me that it was over, I started writing this. It has been a while since I .....I'm trying to have this piece of work reflect that moment when I got that phone call....does that help?

    oh my goodness no no don't apologize! i just didn't know what to do. lol

    i mean yes, my head takes your words and plays with them but that's not helping, you know? that's re-writing and no one wants that. and no one would really want to know how i would write the next lines.

    we all have a unique style. mine is... i don't know. contracted.

    but if you really want a suggestion, i would consider dropping that last line.

    "now i know i'm truly dead" is a very powerful phrase. the one that follows dilutes it. in fact, that phrase is strong enough to use as a metaphor for the poem, if you so chose. or to use as a repeating phrase

    and you also mentioned walls... so a room or building or something like that might give you a framework in which to play. maybe everything took place in a room. you can relate feelings to common things

    i dunno, these are just thoughts.
    ****

    Aless

    Tell them you love them. Never let the mundane, the unimportant, or worse, the misunderstood, be the final words of parting.

    Tell them.
  • AlessianaAlessiana Posts: 329
    Blue11 wrote:
    that's very true; and I apologize for that oversight.
    I had started this a while back when someone I thought I was close to told me that things are over....with no signs along the way that things were breaking down...when it finally hit me that it was over, I started writing this. It has been a while since I .....I'm trying to have this piece of work reflect that moment when I got that phone call....does that help?

    oh my goodness no no don't apologize! i just didn't know what to do. lol

    i mean yes, my head takes your words and plays with them but that's not helping, you know? that's re-writing and no one wants that. and no one would really want to know how i would write the next lines.

    we all have a unique style. mine is... i don't know. contracted.

    but if you really want a suggestion, i would consider dropping that last line.

    "now i know i'm truly dead" is a very powerful phrase. the one that follows dilutes it. in fact, that phrase is strong enough to use as a metaphor for the poem, if you so chose. or to use as a repeating phrase

    and you also mentioned walls... so a room or building or something like that might give you a framework in which to play. maybe everything took place in a room. you can relate feelings to common things

    i dunno, these are just thoughts.
    ****

    Aless

    Tell them you love them. Never let the mundane, the unimportant, or worse, the misunderstood, be the final words of parting.

    Tell them.
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