Critique me

walkerlastgen1

I am a songwriter looking to have my lyrical content digested or regurgitated please give me honest crticism.


Drowning in a pool of sorrow
what could be cold enough to take an angel's heart
you can't believe in a better world
it's better if you try and
if you come crashing down I'll come and lift you up

My king wore a crown of thorns not of jewels and gold
the day comes quick when a dollar bill won't save us from the cold
you can't believe in a better world
it's better if you try and
if your not strong enough he'll come ad lift you up

we can achieve a better world, but only if we try and we will be strong enough let's lift eachother up.

melrn

Is it a Christian Rock song?

depopulationINC

walkerlastgen1 wrote:

I am a songwriter looking to have my lyrical content digested or regurgitated please give me honest crticism.


Drowning in a pool of sorrow
what could be cold enough to take an angel's heart
you can't believe in a better world
it's better if you try and
if you come crashing down I'll come and lift you up

My king wore a crown of thorns not of jewels and gold
the day comes quick when a dollar bill won't save us from the cold
you can't believe in a better world
it's better if you try and
if your not strong enough he'll come ad lift you up

we can achieve a better world, but only if we try and we will be strong enough let's lift eachother up.

well, it is insightful, and tells a great story. I like the piece, but I don't know if I like them as lyrics. But, I realize that it is all in rythem/beat and how it is sung.

walkerlastgen1

Not intentionally, it was just one of those songs that kind of rolled out. It certianly carries that tone. It just says that jesus doesn't bless people with ritches, and how this world will suffer if we don't take our eyes off "the prize"and start building eachother up the world will keep crashing down.
Hopefully i can get theese songs posted somehow. The song doesn't sound like a Christian rock song when you hear it. I have a good friend who is a tool freak who loved the song until he caught on to the lyrics.

walkerlastgen1

I probably could have broken it up differently . I'm not used to displaying lyrics this way.

walkerlastgen1

walkerlastgen1 wrote:

I am a songwriter looking to have my lyrical content digested or regurgitated please give me honest crticism.


Drowning in a pool of sorrow
what could be cold enough to take an angel's heart
you can't believe in a better world
it's better if you try and
if you come crashing down I'll come and lift you up

My king wore a crown of thorns not of jewels and gold
the day comes quick when a dollar bill won't save us from the cold
you can't believe in a better world
it's better if you try and
if your not strong enough he'll come ad lift you up

we can achieve a better world, but only if we try and we will be strong enough let's lift eachother up.

And this one

DopeBeastie

i'm looking forward to hearing you play

walkerlastgen1

ditto.... Especially the moving to miami... I'm anxious to see if it sounds like I uh.... picture it?.. I almost wrote that.... oh wait i did! Any way I would have a better chance; it seems, to strum so loud that my songs can be heard in NM.

Ms. Haiku

Between drafts of poems I usually shorten things to keep the stitch tight so to speak:

Drowning in a pool of sorrow
what could be cold enough to take an angel's heart
you can't believe in a better world
it's better if you try and
if you come crashing down I'll come and lift you up

Drowning in cold
that takes an angel's heart
unless you believe in a better world

I don't know what to do with that last line considering what I just wrote.

My king wore a crown of thorns not of jewels and gold
the day comes quick when a dollar bill won't save us from the cold
you can't believe in a better world
it's better if you try and
if your not strong enough he'll come ad lift you up


My king wore a crown of thorns
but dollar bills still invite the cold


I'm lost on that last part considering what I just wrote
Good luck!

DopeBeastie

there is always http://www.usendit.com

it works just fine for sharing tunes. (did i give you my email addy yet?

oh, and Justam, too... if you read this... I'm still waiting to hear you play!)

I don't have "Moving to Miami" recorded yet... but I have a gig on February 18th, and should have a whole new live recording shortly after that.

walkerlastgen1

Ms. Haiku wrote:

Between drafts of poems I usually shorten things to keep the stitch tight so to speak:

Drowning in a pool of sorrow
what could be cold enough to take an angel's heart
you can't believe in a better world
it's better if you try and
if you come crashing down I'll come and lift you up

Drowning in cold
that takes an angel's heart
unless you believe in a better world

I don't know what to do with that last line considering what I just wrote.

My king wore a crown of thorns not of jewels and gold
the day comes quick when a dollar bill won't save us from the cold
you can't believe in a better world
it's better if you try and
if your not strong enough he'll come ad lift you up


My king wore a crown of thorns
but dollar bills still invite the cold


I'm lost on that last part considering what I just wrote
Good luck!

I see what you mean in terms of poetry...but for the song this is the best way to fit that i have found http://www.myspace.com/lastgeneration56