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justdannojustdanno Posts: 24
edited April 2006 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
this is my second song. I feel it needs work tell me what you think.
even if you don't like it you can say so.

The way she smiles
drives me wild
laying at night
her image
swaying with the beat
I can't seem to concentrate
Smile, smile, smile

My world incircles
spinning inside itself
in the unsuffarable silence
she's a burning light
in someone else sky

I seem to havew fallen
without a bottom to be found
but i smile anyway
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • justdannojustdanno Posts: 24
    i know it sucks
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    it does not!


    record it and put it on myspace so we can crit the song, not just the lyrics...

    cool?
  • justdannojustdanno Posts: 24
    thank you, i just thought since nobady was responding that maybe it was one to throw away, but maybe i will keep it around, maybe rework it. any way thanks for the positive remark.
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    oh hey, you know what?


    this could be masturbatory, lol...



    smile smile smile
    more more more


    wow. missed that the first time.


    seriously though. lyrics are hard to crit because sometimes it doesn't matter what you SING, it's how you sing it. knowwhatimean?

    (hope i've not offended. i mean none, i promise)
  • justdannojustdanno Posts: 24
    Didn't really mean it to be, but I wrote this in a bar whatch a girl dance.
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    ahh...

    you see de poems... they do not lie ;)


    (just teasin') :D
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