Non Omnis Moriar

trinityeliza

Rail me with your diatribe
Superior in your morosity
Reinfected with your words
Right where you want me to be

Fundamental to a wound
Is the ability to heal & scar
Subverted in this pretense
MUCH heavier by far.....

It's evident that you believe
I need reminders of your grip
No concept of where you placed me
What awaits me if I slip?

Promises made in a whisper
Broken by a scream
Ashes of dancing illusion
Burnt by reality

You invade once more thinking you must
Pervasive are the memories
In this you can trust!

Feast at your whim
Savor every bit...
Plenty of what you crave to devour
Drink me down till the taste is gone...

Let it serve to empower

Promises made in a whisper
Broken by a scream
Ashes of dancing illusion
Burnt by reality

EvilToasterElf

Nice Piece

It's odd, sometimes I think the vocabulary made some of the lines spectacular, particularly:

"Fundamental to a wound,
is the ability to heal and scar."

but it seems to detract slightly from the opening stanza. I don't know exactly what advice to give to avoid sounding pretentious, so I guess I will say, it's not always the simplest way of saying something that makes it powerful or profound, although some poets reserve their genius for simplicity, but the most genuine way to say what it is you're feeling most often creates the most powerful atmosphere.

Something like, "ashes of dancing illusion, burnt by reality" sounds very nice, very poetic, but I'm not sure what it means for the poem, or maybe I'm just failing to understand something earlier in the piece.

But despite the criticism, I think this is a great piece, I'm glad you've decided to join us here, and I sincerely hope you choose to come back and share more.

depopulationINC

yes, it is an interesting post.

violet ray

i was going to quote a piece of that, tell you how much i "felt" it...but then i realized i felt like that about the whole thing... you write really well.

trinityeliza

violet ray wrote:

i was going to quote a piece of that, tell you how much i "felt" it...but then i realized i felt like that about the whole thing... you write really well.

thanx again violet.... it's open to interpretation. I won't explain it for EvilToaterElf as I don't wish to take away from whatever it caused to feel...
I will say you must have missed something, and I'm proud of that song.

studio54raveman

Excellent writing,nice word choice,Makes you think about a few things

trinityeliza

once more, thanx!