Nothing I know...

trinityeliza

Another late night...I just can't sleep
Frightened wakw by the things
Seeping into my creek.

Can I stop the fatal flow?
Can I rage my way through the undertow??

See the water rise around me,..
See me look to it's edge to be free....
I see your calvary surrounding
NO ONE sees what YOU'VE done to me,....

You say there's nothing like it...
wash me with your pain
Immobilized in your river
We'll never be the same.

Can I stop the fatal flow?
Can I rage my way through the undertow??

There's no way to stop--
There's no where to go...
Nothing left to believe in,
Nothing I know...

There's someone in the mirror
It's no one that I know
For me I'll make believe...
To you...
It's,... nothing
To you it's nothing I know

trinityeliza

I'm here looking for constructive critcism!!! If you want to respon publicly that's fine. I also don't mind private messages. I'm trying to sort through over a decade of material!!!

eMMI

I'm just gonna respond publicly cause I dunno how constructive this'll be..

Can I stop the fatal flow?
Can I rage my way through the undertow??

the lines above are the ones that got my attention the first time I whisked through you poem. I think they're really good and I like the fact you used them more than once, nice touch.

when I read the poem again (better this time) I really liked it. I think the water/flood-metaphore is really good.

all in all, I really like this one. it's good.
I guess I've got nothin more to say. nice job!

twin2

"You say there's nothing like it...
wash me with your pain
Immobilized in your river
We'll never be the same.

Can I stop the fatal flow?
Can I rage my way through the undertow??

There's no way to stop--
There's no where to go...
Nothing left to believe in,
Nothing I know..."


Such a feeling of hopelessness. It's well written in my opinion.

studio54raveman

this will make a great song trinity!!!