sinking

depopulationINC

sinking 1

I hold my breathe
With head in hand
Nowhere to go
This is not the way
This was not the plan
The stars move overhead
I stare blankly wondering if they should lead
I wish I new how they could usher me
I need something to follow
Not for the way of finding my passage out
The time for that came
But lies too far in the past
I just need something to hold me in comfort for the demise
Something to ease the calm
A light to focus on while I finish the decline

I reach for that star that once seemed within my grasp
I can feel nothing
No sensation
Just the bitter calm
Perhaps the temperature falling
Perhaps that’s just me going cold
Frozen in memories
Sorting what was real
Even though I could never touch that which I held so dear it seems to comfort
Not too much
But it helps me come to terms with the consequence of the situation
Am I now numb?
Who’s to say?
But I must feel something, or I would not notice the lack of emotion
The fact that I am willing to let all subside

I see a sparkle
A glimpse of what it was like when the sun used to shine
Just a tease
Perhaps not even real
I grasp at straws
I search for something
Anything that points towards a time to heal
But in short time I come to realize what I already know deep inside
If there were a vaccine I would pass it by
Why would one want to feel;
Why would one want that pain upon them once again?
Searching deep I know that one must conquer pain,
Simply to appreciate the elations that have come
That will follow
Is the hope for another blissful day enough?
Is it worth it?
Could I ever come close to enjoying those times again,

Do I want to see sunshine that will leave me pale in contrast to the one that burned
Is there really a point in following through?
It racks my mind
How can one kill something that is already so dead inside
Love not lost is suicide
Times of gore allow character to be revealed
With something lost, knowledge is gained
Gripping reality will drive you insane
Heavy hearts on empty words only create pain
Aiming for nothing brings all to an end
Seeing that all is one bitter day

twin1

This is searching and sad and very thoughtful...even when it hurts, love is always worth it, a lonely sad heart can not be happy, it is much harder and requires alot more energy to hold onto pain and darkness than it does to let go and step into the light...yesterday is gone, we don't know what tomorrow holds, we can choose today and right now

kdpjam

this is its how alot. nice work.

kdpjam

i meant this is how life feels alot of times, for me at least..

depopulationINC

this came from a very morbit point in my life. I wrote this when I was thinking of killing myself. I put serious thought into that for a long time. I came very close. There were still a few people reaching out to me at that point. Many had pretty much given up on me. My close friends and family were still there though. I had a nervous b reakdown where I crashed in shack in northern alberta for 68 hours. I literally never moved. I had prettymuch decided I was done. I remember walking outside and seeing amazing northern lights and a star filled sky. I remember thinking that I knew they were beautiful, but I still couldn't appreciate them. I stared at them for hours, just wanting to feel something. There was a flashlight. I saw it coming. Somebody was coming...perhaps they had found my truck, and sought me out. then it was gone. I sat for several hours wonderring if that had been real. Then looking back at my life and wonderring what else I had imagined. I knew it was all real though. I decided I would end it all. I would jump over the cliff. This was my farewell note. for some reason I changed my mind. I am still uncertain why.

twin1

depopulationINC wrote:

this came from a very morbit point in my life. I wrote this when I was thinking of killing myself. I put serious thought into that for a long time. I came very close. There were still a few people reaching out to me at that point. Many had pretty much given up on me. My close friends and family were still there though. I had a nervous b reakdown where I crashed in shack in northern alberta for 68 hours. I literally never moved. I had prettymuch decided I was done. I remember walking outside and seeing amazing northern lights and a star filled sky. I remember thinking that I knew they were beautiful, but I still couldn't appreciate them. I stared at them for hours, just wanting to feel something. There was a flashlight. I saw it coming. Somebody was coming...perhaps they had found my truck, and sought me out. then it was gone. I sat for several hours wonderring if that had been real. Then looking back at my life and wonderring what else I had imagined. I knew it was all real though. I decided I would end it all. I would jump over the cliff. This was my farewell note. for some reason I changed my mind. I am still uncertain why.

Well I for one am very glad you decided not to end it! We would not be able to see the gift you have with your writing and how it touches and inspires us here. It flows, is heartfelt, and cleverly done. You have a natural talent with it. I think it is a darn lucky soul who has never contemplated suicide in their life. Life can be very difficult sometimes but always worth it to hang in there. There can never be all rainbows but sometimes the storms can make you appreciate the rainbows when they do come - because they will - if you let it happen.