soul erosion

spearleaf

here's a poem i wrote a couple months ago, tell me what you think.


soul erosion

there upon the sand, watching seagulls fly,
like life without an end, clouds ran the sky,
everlasting field of blue, runs right through,
feeling like the sea and the seashore too.
wandering soul that walks on yellow floors,
fish rule the waters, but we walk the sands.
and the sun is out in the cold distance,
people watch the sunset in a firm stance.
so seasons pass and there a man stands,
and so he ages there on the sun sands.

and now the old man walks upon the dunes,
age he has and people have come to pass.
so now the sea erodes all your dreams away,
and trees have died too, but there you still stay.

Dreams of Red

honestly i cant believe this hasnt been commented on, and that really makes me wonder..

spearleaf wrote:

like life without an end, clouds ran the sky,
everlasting field of blue, runs right through,
feeling like the sea and the seashore too.
wandering soul that walks on yellow floors,
fish rule the waters, but we walk the sands.
and the sun is out in the cold distance,

i think this poem is amazing, and these lines carry it in my opinion, though the end stanza is strong in its own right. very, very nice Spear... straight through the heart.

FinsburyParkCarrots

If I have any advice to give to you regarding this piece, I would say, try to see if you could break down the crux of feeling in this poem to a few unrhymed lines. Select five of the strongest images in the piece that you think say what you mean to convey, and see if you can impress the poem's themes upon the reader using verbal economy. Could you say what you want in a couple of descriptive images and make us feel what you're after? Many poets have stripped down big poems to two or three lines in pursuit of making their work dance, shine and move the reader/hearer.

However, it's fun to learn poetic form too, I agree! I love to write fourteen line poems.

spearleaf

this is actually my only 14 lined poem and my first attempt at writing one. anyway, thank you both for your comments.

Dreams of Red

yeah no problem, just trying to engage. finsbury knows what he* likes, and it is usually dead on, but sometimes i think the only way to be unconventional effectively is to use old conventions, but in an original way, as opposed to throwing standard convention out the window entirely.. and dont hear me wrong finsbury, i'm all about the unconventional.

i was moved by the poem as is. i think if youre going to change anything, it should be in small doses, like altering a word or so here and there. some poems turn out well, and some dont, and others are in between. i find this one above average, and i'm not a big fan of surgically rearranging a poem into some other kind of poem..

"age he has and people have come to pass.
so now the sea erodes all your dreams away"

i find this lovely.. perhaps i would like to see "your" taken-out here, leave that idea open to the reader.. but really it's how/what the author feels that is on display, so take from this what you may.

OceansDeep

spearleaf wrote:

here's a poem i wrote a couple months ago, tell me what you think.


soul erosion

there upon the sand, watching seagulls fly,
like life without an end, clouds ran the sky,
everlasting field of blue, runs right through,
feeling like the sea and the seashore too.
wandering soul that walks on yellow floors,
fish rule the waters, but we walk the sands.
and the sun is out in the cold distance,
people watch the sunset in a firm stance.
so seasons pass and there a man stands,
and so he ages there on the sun sands.

and now the old man walks upon the dunes,
age he has and people have come to pass.
so now the sea erodes all your dreams away,
and trees have died too, but there you still stay.

dude you should really consider having this published. Do you have any other works? Man I'd love to use these verses in a song...

FinsburyParkCarrots

Dreams of Red wrote:

yeah no problem, just trying to engage. finsbury knows what he* likes, and it is usually dead on, but sometimes i think the only way to be unconventional effectively is to use old conventions, but in an original way, as opposed to throwing standard convention out the window entirely.. and dont hear me wrong finsbury, i'm all about the unconventional.

No, I get you. In fact I agree with you entirely and that's how I go about writing my own stuff. I was just thinking about whether some pruning could make this poem more effective. I like it, though! I only tend to respond to poems I like, in general.