just wondering what you think

lucia

well, to be honest im a bit nervous-iv written poetry for a couple of years, but just for myself, but listening to pearl jam has given me the boost to post some of it and see what respnse i get. so well, here it goes, this ones called "the angels burns".


I know an angel
long ago

She experineced
the darkest
pain
Silently alone
with the rain
Yet still she burns
with fire so bright
and I ask her why

I know an angel
long ago

She laughed
as her heart
cried
The mercy of
dissillusionment
would not veil her eyes
Yet still she burns
with fire so bright
and i ask her why

I know an angel
long ago

Her wings
were broken and
she fell
She tumbled
down with her
tears to hell
Yet still she burns
with fire so bright
and i ask her why

I know an angel
long ago

Who looked at me
and said
I try
to burn bright enough
In hope I'l be
allowed to die
forever she will burn
with fire so bright
behind the smile
she cries

Ali

I like it...

Ms. Haiku

I hope you post more. I liked this poem. You talk about brightness, and isn't that what "Lucia' means?

FinsburyParkCarrots

There's a theme to be explored here: The speaker has a friend who shines abundantly for her friends though she has suffered tragedy in her life and suppresses somewhat her private grief. Could there be ways of exploring further the interrelationship between the speaker and the subject, or ways of describing those moments when the outwardly bubbly subject lets her guard slip and the speaker beholds the roar on the other side of her silence, as it were?

Personally, I'd resist the tropes of the angel with the broken wing, and the reference to tear-behind-the-smile pathos; they're commonplaces in verse and they tend towards sentimentalism.

Thanks for sharing. Hope my suggestions are okay with you.

grooveamatic

There's a quality, warranted repitition here which is pleasing.

lucia

wow, thanks guys. thats really useful feedback here, and reassuring.