ok-needing some help please?
lucia
Posts: 19
heya. ok well i posted this poem a while ago, thinking i would come back to it to tidy it up, however i am lost and have no idea where to start. just wondering if anyone had some feedback/criticism/improvement/suiggestion etc lol u get the idea ok here it is
And there I go. ..
And there i go
burning dreams
burning lives
that could have been safe
vulnerable yet loved
by a storm
I held the eye
Blinded by the light
of falling tears
crying lost hope
of wants becoming truths
crying lost hope
of belief
in ur delusions.
And there I go. ..
And there i go
burning dreams
burning lives
that could have been safe
vulnerable yet loved
by a storm
I held the eye
Blinded by the light
of falling tears
crying lost hope
of wants becoming truths
crying lost hope
of belief
in ur delusions.
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
I think in the first lines, you've a good opposition of a comforting storm of love against the destructive fire of your emotional intensity. I'd work with those contrasting images to express your powerful feelings, and bring them out to the full. This antithesis could help you show the contrast between what might have been and what happened in the actuality of love's violence. Then the lines that follow might help you explore this theme and bring it closer to our hearts. I feel there's an essence of something really true burgeoning in these lines here.
Thanks for sharing.
And there i go
burning dreams
burning lives
that could have been safe
vulnerable yet loved
by a storm
What I get from this poem is that there is guilt for the actions of the author, when his/her intent was to only love, despite the pain that he or she might unwililngly have afflicted on the loved person.
my take is that vunerable and safe are too opposite to be placed so closely. i think you should try to expand what you mean, here. these lives refered to are in no way safe from a burning storm.
I held the eye
Blinded by the light
of falling tears
crying lost hope
of wants becoming truths
crying lost hope
of belief
in ur delusions.
is this the eye that was blinded by the light of falling tears, you held? i think, in this second part of this poem, you need to really focus on saying what you mean in a manner that is accessible. perhaps if you think deeply about what you want the reader to come away with... which is hopefully an understanding of something (even if that understanding is not your original intent).
The "wants becoming truth" line throws me. Because it appears all the author wanted was love, though the rest of the poem says he/she didn't get what they wanted at all. Answer the logistical problems, and I think you will find a very nice piece.
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